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Welcome, prematurely balding men and five women who are married to PBMs and decided if you can’t beat them, join them! Make yourself comfortable, this is gonna be a long post. Here, enjoy some coffee. Oops, you just drank rat poison. I should’ve used different mugs. Don’t worry, it can’t be worse than rostering Jonathan India in the 1st half. Oh, you rostered him, and that’s why you drank the poison? Now, I’m following! Hey, I’m supposed to be leading! *does a teapot with both hands on hips and shakes head* Before we get into the top 100 for the 2nd half of 2022 fantasy baseball, let’s just be glad our 18-year-old selves can’t see us now, we’d get beat up! But our twelve-year-old selves would think we’re the coolest! So, as with all of the other 2022 fantasy baseball rankings, slop this up with a grain of salt. If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade that outfielder for that 2nd baseman. Also, things change in fantasy baseball. Daily. I could put Aaron Judge number one, and he could pull a–Well, we won’t even mention an injury with the top players after we lost Tatis this preseason. As I say about the Giancarlo underwear I bought off eBay, why soil a good thing? This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued. It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache. This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take their first half and combine it with the 2nd half. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today. So while Juan Soto did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because, well, we have to believe in miracles — my 12-year-old self would want that, and to sleep with Cher. 12-year-old Grey loved Cher. The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; these are their projections for the 2nd half of 2022. I also liberally used our rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. That’s right, we have a Player Rater that tells you what players will do. It’s like that camera from The Twilight Zone. Welcome to the future! Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2022:

1. Aaron Judge – How I arrived at the conclusion to rank Aaron Judge first was when I went through every player in the major leagues, stacked them on top of each other, then placed Judge next to them and weighed them, mentally. Clearly, not physically. I could lift two, maybe three players, but not 1,300. Plus, when you consider minors leaguers, c’mon. How jacked up do I appear in our Youtube videos, that you should subscribe to, and that’s a deadly segue, like the Segway the Segway inventor was driving when he went over a cliff. Also, I thought about Judge vs. every other player in a trade and can’t imagine wanting anyone else more. He’s at the top of the Player Rater, and it’s not particularly close. Outdistancing the field by the same as the number five guy is above the number fifteen guy. Doubt this is how the top 100 looks next year, but, for right now, there’s no one above Aaron Judge, though, if dunks are a category in your league, check out Oneil Cruz. Projections: 48/23/54/.285/4 in 261 ABs

2. Trea Turner – I’m gonna start calling him Trea 3000. Explanation:  Outkast is better as a whole, this is true. Undeniable, but neither Andre 3000 or Big Boi are guest spotters. They’re legit on their own. This isn’t EPMD trying to be solo artists. Together, Outkast is better, but separate, they’re solid. One is better without the other, Andre 3000. So, Trea 3000, because Trea can stand on his own, due to his speed. But can Juan Soto aka Juan Boi stand on his own? Been thinking about this forever. Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever.  Projections: 41/12/45/.294/15 in 271 ABs

3. Shohei Ohtani – How long ago was it that I was calling people who liked this guy, Ohstanis? 18 months? Add an extra zero because I’ve done a 180. He’s not of this world. Not to get too profound (like always!) but I think Ohtani is going to spark a whole new type of baseball in ten to fifteen years. Kids right now who used to be told, “Pick one: hitting or pitching.” Are now being told that again, because coaches are old school, and pick their butt with the same finger they put chew in their mouth, but there’s gotta be a bunch of kids out there who want to be Ohtani — The Ohwantis — and are continuing to hit and pitch past the usual age, and a few will make it to the majors in a decade. Baseball keeps changing, and that’s my random prediction for how it will look in ten to fifteen years. A bunch of kids in the Ohtani mold. The Ohfunguys. Projections: 34/17/39/.277/6 in 221 ABs; 5-2/3.09/1.11/79 in 66 IP

4. Jose RamirezJose Ramirez looks like Ronnie Belliard mixed with a copy of Ted Williams’s The Science of Hitting. Projections: 43/16/51/.265/12 in 263 ABs

5. Kyle Tucker – Sounding like a fantasy baseball Pitbull, Tucker was nicknamed Mr. H2H this year and he’s exactly that. Just incredibly consistent from game to game, from week to week. Projections: 40/15/45/.272/13 in 254 ABs

6. Rafael Devers – Kept moving Devers up, and nearly ranked in the top three overall. It’s so rare in today’s game to find a 35-homer, .320 hitter with neutral luck. Pound for pound just a chef’s kiss from the most eastern Maine port to the the most western Bangor. Am I worried about his back issue? Not particularly, but that I’m mentioning it has him below Tucker. Projections: 44/17/47/.318/2 in 277 ABs

7. Corbin Burnes – Previously, I’ve said, “My 2nd half rankings depart from my 1st half rankings in one major way, I give more credence to top pitchers. A few reasons A) Pitchers get hurt and are risky, but, at this point in the season, we know which pitchers are healthy and pitching well. B) A top pitcher can make a huge difference still, whereas an upside flyer on a pitcher isn’t as valuable. I.e., if your ratios need help, a flyer on someone like Nick Lodolo is only going to get you so far, whereas Burnes can make a difference in the final months. C) There’s no C.” And that’s me quoting me! As long as Burnes stays healthy, and betting on a pitcher to stay healthy is like betting on public perception recognizing Phil Collins as the greatest singer/songwriter of all-time, but here we are. Projections: 7-2/2.37/0.91/110 in 85 IP

8. Gerrit Cole – Also, (continuing on from my Burnes blurb), in the beginning of the season, you draft a guy like Cole, then grab McClanahan, Manoah and Nestor late, and you’re sitting on too much pitching. Now? You know what you need. If your ace Berrios draft pick didn’t work out well — Did it? I forget. — you need pitching, and a top pitcher is worth grabbing in a trade. Projections: 8-2/2.88/1.01/116 in 90 IP

9. Sandy Alcantara – Two words for you: Rick Porcello. Four words for you: Rick Porcello, Cy Young. Fifteen words for you: I don’t think this Sandy season should be compared to the Rick Porcello, Cy Young. Hmm, I expressed that in a weird way. Projections: 6-1/2.41/0.94/83 in 91 IP

10. Yordan Alvarez – “If Captain Woo Cubano returns from the break with rubber bands in his beard, can we pause the season and induct him straight into the Hall of Fame?” Me on the phone with Apple Care. So, this might be slightly optimistic on Captain Woo, because he’s on the IL with a hand injury, but everything I’ve read says the Astros were using the break to give him extra rest and he’ll be ready to rock as soon as the games resume.  Projections: 40/16/46/.288 in 228 ABs

11. Ronald Acuña Jr. – Watching Go West’s video for King of Wishful Thinking, waiting to see myself ranking Acuña this high. Tildaddy shows up in Go West’s video! Projections: 47/13/38/.284/17 in 263 ABs

12. Mookie Betts – Mookie Best is on pace for a 40/14/.280 season, which would be a new best Best season. Projections: 52/13/40/.280/6 in 251 ABs

13. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Super bummed to see Cake Batter’s Launch Angle is back down to pre-2021 levels, and why his power is lagging. By the way, Super Bum is another good nickname for Vlad Jr. Projections: 39/16/49/.291/1 in 255 ABs

14. Bo Bichette – Boba never failed me in real life, but Boba Chette has let me down for fantasy. Prayers up for my team where I thought I was being cute drafting Boba and Straw. Still think we can get a huge 2nd half for Bichette, though I am writing this while hungry and Boba sounds amazing. Projections: 48/12/37/.271/10 in 271 ABs

15. Juan Soto – Nothing he did in the 1st half warrants this ranking, but nothing in Sexy Dr. Pepper’s 1st half warranted his inclusion last year, and he ended up the runner-up to Bryce Harper for NL MVP. One can pray the sizzle is Sodastream’d back into Sexy Dr. Pepper to get out the fizzle. Projections: 41/16/36/.284/5 in 231 ABs

16. Shane McClanahan – I could link you to my preseason Shane McClanahan sleeper, but isn’t it more fun if I simply allude to it? Projections: 6-3/2.67/0.95/92 in 79 IP

17. Max Scherzer – In the 2nd half, you could put Scherzer, and McClanahan in a hat and pull them out in any order, and that would be the order they should be ranked. Yes, you need a very big hat.  No, I don’t know where to find that big of a hat. Stop with the semantics! Hatmantics? Projections: 6-1/2.31/0.90/93 in 75 IP

18. Luis Robert – I’m so petrified of missing the big LouBob breakout — the LouBazinga! — that I keep ranking him a skosh higher than he likely should be. Projections: 37/12/39/.286/10 in 257 ABs

19. Pete Alonso – He’s giving us so much wonderful, and I *grabbing you by your shirt* want more! Projections: 37/18/46/.264/1 in 269 ABs

20. Freddie Freeman – Please let the Dodgers and Braves meet in the playoffs just so Freeman can act out Romeo and Juliet, playing both parts, and drinking hemlock at first base. Projections: 46/12/50/.291/3 in 266 ABs

21. Julio Rodriguez – “As July turnio’ed to Julio, I sat in my Barcalounger, eating my fake-cheddar-topped popcorn dreaming of Julio Rodriguez walking in that door to tell me he traded himself to all my fantasy teams.” Sorry! Was starting my Jul-Rod fan-fiction. Projections: 40/12/31/.269/12 in 254 ABs

22. Jazz Chisholm – This feels a tad aggressive, but Tad Aggressive was the frat name of your worst friend in college, and Jazz is capable of a 15/15 half, which is incredibly valuable. Projections: 33/12/36/.251/12 in 231 ABs

23. Austin Riley – Riley’s great, but dude is kinda boring, right? This guy really needs a nickname. And some pizzazz. From the owner and founder of Rizzazzball! Projections: 37/17/42/.274 in 261 ABs

24. Dansby Swanson – I knew the Braves’ hitters would be good again this year! Which is why I drafted Acuña, Albies and Olson. Fine, the wrong Braves hitters. Does my sadness make you happy? Forget schadenfreude, more like shame-on-you-freude! Projections: 40/12/36/.272/10 in 264 ABs

25. Justin Verlander – No idea if Verlander is going to be shortened up in the 2nd half to manage his innings, but I wouldn’t be shocked. Speaking of shortened up, ‘Stros is the worst abbreviation ever, it’s the same number of keystrokes. Projections: 6-2/2.31/0.94/81 in 74 IP

26. Tim Anderson – One of the biggest early differences between the Rest of the Season Player Rater and this ranking. That means…? No, I’m honestly asking. Projections: 44/10/31/.296/10 in 281 ABs

27. Manny Machado – For every guy, I look at the team’s depth chart to get an idea where they’re batting primarily, and I was looking at the Padres’ depth chart and saw Nabil Crismatt, and all I can think is that sounds like something Mork from Ork would’ve said. Projections: 35/13/41/.268/6 in 253 ABs

28. Paul Goldschmidt – You thought this guy was AU as shizz, but he’s still doing his thang and is old enough to say “thang.” Projections: 41/14/47/.291/3 in 251 ABs

29. Francisco Lindor – If I were named Francisco, I think I’d go by Cisco, and tell everyone I’m the son of the founder of Sysco, the terrible cafeteria food company, not the computer company, and I’d clarify it that way every time I introduced myself.  Projections: 40/12/44/.245/7 in 251 ABs

30. Giancarlo Stanton – “Giancarlo is our Dick Allen” is going to be my graduate thesis for the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston. Projections: 31/18/45/.253/1 in 231 ABs

31. Fernando Tatis Jr. – Imagine if you will, a time, not that far in the future, and a place, on our teams, Fun the Jewels will be on our fantasy teams.  Projections: 31/12/30/.286/14 in 200 ABs

32. Bobby Witt Jr. – Something I haven’t mentioned much. I have Witt in so many leagues (with Jul-Rod) and I almost feel like not mentioning how invested I am, so not to jinx me. Much like Jul-Rod, you cannot overestimate how important hitters are who are five-category cats. The Five Cat Cats is a swing band that plays everyone’s hits. Projections: 33/11/36/.247/11 in 254 ABs

33. Starling Marte – ACKSUALLY he’s been better than I thought he would be, and not at all in the way I thought he would be better, if he were being better. I’m talking in riddles now. Explanation: If you told me Marte would exceed my expectations, I would’ve expected crazy steals again. Instead, he’s just been a pace car with 20/20/.290 on the front bumper. Projections: 42/10/36/.283/10 in 241 ABs

34. Aaron Nola – What would be this guy’s ERA if he played in Miami, or *prayer hands emoji* Baltimore? 1.50 ERA? 1.00 even? His stuff is so good, but, like an anti-Wawa, just such an inconvenience on homers allowed. Projections: 5-3/2.95/0.96/99 in 85 IP

35. Brandon Woodruff – I say take these rankings with a grain of salt, and, like any fantasy sports ‘pert I withhold the right to change my mind at any time, but, barring an injury, these early starters are more or less ranked close to how they will be for next year’s rankings. (There was six hedges in that one sentence. Ha.) Projections: 6-2/2.88/0.98/94 in 76 IP

36. Jacob deGrom – Selfishly, the Mets prolly only want deGrom for the playoffs, but with an opt-out after 2022, I’d think he’d want back sooner and to shove through. His health is the number one reason on whether I’d want him, and the last reason, and all thousand reasons in-between. Projections: 5-1/1.93/0.77/86 in 59 IP

37. Nolan Arenado – Due to goofing about some shizz or another getting blown out a window after every Arenado homer, I don’t really get to talk much about him. So, I’ve written my Arenado notes on this loose-leaf paper, but first I’m going to haphazardly put it by this open window–NOOO!!! Torenado! Projections: 34/15/45/.279 in 251 ABs

38. Mike Trout – Hit the IL on Monday, so I lowered him just yesterday, but it sounds like he should be back right after the break. Did I just say, “break?” Uh-oh, jinxeroo! Obviously if Trout’s injury is worse than being reported, he falls out of the top 100, but only after it gets reported. That’s Schrodinger’s IL stint. Projections: 31/13/31/.269/1 in 209 ABs

39. Anthony Rizzo – R to the Anking for R to the Izzo! Projections: 33/15/37/.233/3 in 241 ABs

40. Edwin Diaz – See no SAGNOF, hear no SAGNOF, trade for no SAGNOF, unless you need SAGNOF!  Projections: 3-1/2.34/1.02/54, 19 saves in 33 IP

41. Emmanuel Clase – We got rando closer number two…going once…going twice…Uh, are you gonna bid? You were bidding telepathically? What’s wrong with you? Are you answering telepathically too? Okay, one thing on the closers, they are forever changing, and if you need a closer, Clase or any of these top closers, are worth the same as an ace. And, if you don’t need a closer, they’re worth nothing. For unstints, if you’re up by 25 saves in your leauge, trade these schmohawks away. Projections: 2-1/2.64/0.93/38, 18 saves in 34 IP

42. Josh Hader – Similar situation as starters, at this point in the year, you either need SAGNOF or don’t. On a side note on Hader’s recent struggles, he struggled last July too, and was great after the break, and his “struggles” are in quotes because they were only for the last five innings! Closers go sideways real fast though, so I did lower Hader in the last few days, below the two closers above him. Projections: 2-2/2.64/0.93/49, 17 saves in 28 IP

43. Byron Buxton – I could be wrong, but I think this is the first time Buxton’s ever made the top 100 for the 2nd half. Not because he doesn’t have the talent, but I don’t think he’s ever been healthy before heading into the break or at least not healthy enough to trust for a top 100 2nd half ranking. I’m being 100% serious. Projections: 33/14/29/.241/3 in 209 ABs

44. Adolis Garcia – In this Friday’s Buy/Sell, I will include Adolis, because I have to. He’s everyone’s number one Sell, which means I will be going against all common perceptions with him, or kowtowing to the masses while reading my Marxist pamphlets. From this ranking, I think you know where I stand. Projections: 34/14/41/.245/10 in 279 ABs

45. Cedric Mullins – Just realized Mullins is only 5’8″. We’re the exact same! Well, aside from me being 5’7″ and not being a professional athlete. My man, we are simpatico! Projections: 38/8/30/266/15 in 284 ABs

46. George Springer – I’ll be the first to admit to being wrong. I don’t think I’m wrong on Springer. A major red flag is a falling strikeout rate and BABIP. It’s what happens when guys get older. They have better eyes, but can’t do as much with the pitches. See, literally any great aging hitter: Pujols, Miggy, Votto. (This year Miggy’s BABIP is crazy high, but it was trending down for years.) A falling BABIP is basically death for an aging hitter. Maybe Springer has one last year of being good, and I’m a year early for the bottom dropping out, but Springer’s getting by now on good vibes and bad farts. Projections: 34/12/29/.251/5 in 214 ABs

47. Teoscar Hernandez – Could rank him in the top 10, top 20, top 50, top 100, top 200, top 250 and all of them would be right. Absolutely no idea what to expect. Teoscar’s career is being directed by M. Night. Projections: 32/12/37/.257/2 in 232 ABs

48. Ty France – None of these rankings are meant signify how I will be ranking next year, except maybe the top starters, but there are some clues. France’s ranking is a clue, stow him in keepers like you’re a Pink Panther gathering dead ants. Projections: 36/10/39/.294 in 246 ABs

49. Jose Altuve – If you saw Altuve enter a restaurant, would you, A) Offer him a high chair. B) Ask him if his parents will be joining him. C) There’s no C. A small side note about my slander on his height, it’s much funnier if you think about how I am only a half inch taller than him. Projections: 37/13/27/.271/5 in 261 ABs

50. Robbie Ray  – Extreme Guy from Deliverance voice, “Let me see your pants, boy.” Ray is the best bet for a huge buy low on pitchers. Speaking of which, this Friday I’ll have an All-Star Break Buy/Sell where I go over some Buys and Sells for guys who are rostered vs. just under 50% owned. Projections: 6-2/3.24/1.09/95 in 84 IP

51. Kyle Schwarber – The Schammer hears someone talk about June Gloom and he laughs hysterically for five minutes, then hits a home run. Projections: 40/16/46/.219/3 in 241 ABs

52. Trevor Story – I don’t know this for a fact, but I think Trevor Story’s accumulated all his season’s stats in the span of ten games. Projections: 37/13/39/.229/8 in 255 ABs

53. Tommy Edman – Two years of Edman — Edmen? — and he looks exactly the same as he’s always looked, which really makes me want to punch January Grey for not ranking Edman higher in the preseason. I loved him, drafted him in a bunch of leagues, and somehow I appear lukewarm on him in the preseason. Just me being dumb while doing dumb stuff. As for his slight tick back recently, meh, he wasn’t ever a top 15 guy overall. Natural Ed’s and flows. Projections: 42/5/28/.263/16 in 268 ABs

54. J.D. Martinez – Just Dong next to Edman is a giant flashing light that these rankings mean nothing more than a guide. If you need steals, Edman is more valuable than maybe ten guys in front of him, and if you don’t need steals, Just Dong is ahead of him. Your team needs >>>>> Any rankings. Projections: 36/13/40/.283 in 254 ABs

55. Alek Manoah – My “I brake for Alek Mommah” t-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt. Projections: 6-4/3.03/1.01/87 in 82 IP

56. Max Fried – I’ll save most of my victory laps for the end of the season (ha, yea, sure, Grey), but I just wanted to say it’s very hard to find top starters in this post who I didn’t like in the preseason. To just grab a few above a couple below: Sandy, McClanahananananananan, Nola, Manoah, Fried, Cease and Musgrove were all starters who I not only like, but you could’ve easily drafted in every league. Projections: 6-3/3.17/1.04/81 in 84 IP

57. Zack Wheeler – You could’ve drafted Wheeler too, but I, like most, was out on him because he supposedly had a preseason injury. If you just went with Wheeler, Rodon, Kershaw, Verlander and Luis Castillo because of preseason injury discounts, you have pants grapes the size of watermelons, and a kick-ass rotation. Projections: 6-4/3.19/1.04/86 in 80 IP

58. Dylan Cease –  Carpe Cease, as they say in Latin America.  Projections: 5-4/3.06/1.19/98 in 79 IP

59. Joe Musgrove – I’m still big-time Team Sell Musgrove. I honestly might be the manager and bus driver for Team Sell Musgrove. Projections: 5-4/3.31/1.09/81 in 83 IP

60. C.J. Cron – Against all my better judgement I ranked Curtis Jackson incredibly high. There’s a reason why he was always a corner man ranked around 150 overall. He’s a 30-homer, .275 hitter. Not bad, but to expect him to keep doing what he did in the 1st half, seems foolish by half for Curtis Jackson, so call him Quarter. Projections: 32/12/38/.277 in 251 ABs

61. Jose Abreu – This is a little sub-tier of 1st basemen that you want (as long as they’re hitting for power). Projections: 34/14/39/.262 in 270 ABs

62. Randy Arozarena – Hadn’t realized how similar The Rice Bowl’s stats were to Edman. Pretty wild how Cash is Mr. Manager with all the smarty-pants ideas about how to win, let he continues to let Randy run into outs on the basepaths. Good for his fantasy value with steals, but he’s a terrible baserunner. Projections: 31/10/34/.261/9 in 257 ABs

63. Marcus Semien – After a down bad 1st month-plus, Semien’s really shot up! On one hand, he’s still been only about as good as Eric Haase over the last month on the 30-day Player Rater. On the other hand, Semien’s…ewwww… Projections: 34/8/31/.241/10 in 276 ABs

64. Corey Seager – Yo, seriously, should someone check on the Rangers’ humidor to make sure it’s not turned too high? Seager went from a .290 hitter to .245.  Projections: 31/12/33/.251/1 in 255 ABs

65. Josh Bell – Sometimes I’ll go up to a Ring doorbell and ask, “Do you know Josh?” By the way, Bell’s been better than Soto so far this year. Also, I’m suddenly sobbing. Projections: 28/10/30/.283 in 254 ABs

66. Kevin Gausman – This guy has been the most unlucky pitcher maybe ever*. *I’m only remembering about 18 months back**. **Okay, anyone who’s been hit by a comebacker in that time is technically more unlucky***. ***Which also includes Gausman, so once again he’s the most unlucky. Projections: 5-2/3.41/1.09/81 in 74 IP

67. Lucas Giolito – Went to see how low Giolito was on the Player Rater, and got to around 250th overall, when I decided my time was better spent thinking about how Giolito could be much better in the 2nd half. Okay, that’s easy, because I don’t think he can be worse. Also, I talk more about Giolito in the video — don’t forget to subscribe! Projections: 6-4/3.57/1.14/96 in 82 IP

68. Matt Olson – No matter how much you plan and research, you’re still at the whims of the Fantasy Baseball Overlord on a few key coin flips. No one is 100% right. I liked Olson and Alonso. Leagues where I got Alonso, I’m doing well. Leagues where I got “a Olson?” I wish I misspelled it. Projections: 30/12/35/.257 in 258 ABs

69. Ryan Mountcastle – Someone screenshot my NFBC team where I drafted Mountcastle in November of last year super early (I think I took him around 70th overall), and they were razzing me. Hey, I’m not above it, but it did show more how clueless that person was for slandering my Mountcastle pick. A) It was before the Baltimore Orioles moved their fences back and out of Baltimore. B) Mountcastle is around this valuable on the Player Rater, so far from a bad pick. Not even the worst pick of that draft.  C) There’s no C. Projections: 31/12/34/.261/2 in 241 ABs

70. Clayton Kershaw – After my first pass of the top 100, I left off Kershaw, because I worry about his innings (or injuries), but I had a moment of clarity like all good fantasy baseball ‘perts and realized I’ve been worried about Kershaw’s innings (or injuries) for the last five years, and that hasn’t stopped him (except when it has). Plus, I would take him over the next starter on the board. Projections: 4-1/2.41/0.94/64 in 59 IP

71. Christian Yelich –  What’s interesting in a pedantic, kinda uninteresting way. Yelich and Bellinger were next to each in the preseason, and my thoughts then were Yelich can be more productive but is boring as public radio, but Bellinger has more upside and downside. I was pretty accurate, except now we know Bellinger is just broke. Projections: 37/9/30/.251/7 in 246 ABs

72. Cristian Javier – I just gave you a Cristian Javier fantasy not that long ago. I wrote that while trying 57 varieties of Heinz. Projections: 5-2/3.37/1.06/82 in 67 IP

73. Kris Bryant – Battled myself in a game of Battleship on whether or not Bryant deserved to be ranked in the top 100. Eventually, I sunk my Bryantship, then called a Seal crew to rescue him. A guy capable of 20 homers in a half in Coors is worth the gamble. Projections: 31/11/33/.290/2 in 213 ABs

74. Willy Adames – I nearly left off Willy — sings, “Detachable Penis” — but while I was writing this I saw he led shortstops in homers, so, yeah, that gets on the list. Projections: 31/13/33/.221/2 in 238 ABs

75. Rowdy Tellez – Polar opposite of Cron. I wanted to rank Tellez even higher, but tried to remain realistic, and ranked him here. “He’s just awesome.” That’s me reading a Tellez-trator. Projections: 33/13/38/.259 in 246 ABs

76. Jeremy Pena – A lot of these rankings are not indicative of what next year’s rankings will be, and Pena’s ranking here is no different. If he bombs out in the 2nd half, he might be around 150th overall next year. If he does even better in the 2nd half? He might be above this. If he simply repeats his 1st half? Well, then this is indicative of next year. Projections: 32/9/27/.273/5 in 237 ABs

77. Xander Bogaerts –  This is a good reminder that there will be a Buy/Sell this Friday with players who are rostered in more than 50% of leagues. I wonder where Bogaerts will fall. Hmm… Projections: 36/10/29/.279/2 in 259 ABs

78. Gleyber Torres – Yankees are having one of those years where even Scott Brosius is decent–I mean, Diner-Falafel, Hicks and Donaldson, especially a guy like Gleyber. Projections: 28/10/29/.271/3 in 219 ABs

79. Carlos Rodon – If I had any faith in Rodon staying healthy the rest of the year, I prolly would’ve ranked him up by Wheeler. If there was somewhere to bet Rodon will lose two miles per hour in September, I would place that bet.  Projections: 4-2/3.65/1.12/77 in 63 IP

80. Willson Contreras –  We got a…*balloons fall from ceiling, streamers shoot out, pulls from waistband a t-shirt gun, fires a t-shirt into my beanbag outfitted in a Giancarlo jersey*…catcher! Projections:  29/10/28/.260/2 in 209 ABs

81. Shane Bieber – Weird to be ranking pitchers I don’t actively like in the top 100. In the preseason, I do it, but it’s with huge caveats, “This guy is being drafted before this, don’t draft him.” Here, there’s no such caveats, except, I guess, what I’m saying here. Projections: 5-3/3.61/1.18/82 in 81 IP

82. Tony Gonsolin – A guy with “ex” in front of ‘pert would prolly tell you Gonsolin shouldn’t even be ranked in the top 100, because of the inevitable 2nd half collapse, but there should’ve been a collapse for the last two months, so who knows if it’ll ever come. Projections: 5-3/3.77/1.08/72 in 76 IP

83. Logan Gilbert – After Kirby was sent down for a brief break, I’m kinda expecting the same from Gilbert. Kinda lousy part about having young pitchers, at a certain point they’re all gonna have mysterious injuries that shut them down, when guys like Mike Minor seem more worthwhile. Projections: 5-2/3.17/1.19/60 in 57 IP

84. Jorge Polanco – Bounced around a bit before ending up here with Jo-Po, which sounds like a hobo talking about jail. Projections: 31/11/34/.261/3 in 258 ABs

85. Framber Valdez – Just gave you a Framber Valdez fantasy, and this post is going on the same length of a Tolstoy novel, and nearly as incomprehensible, so moving on. Projections: 6-2/3.34/1.16/68 in 73 IP

86. Miles Mikolas – If you’re curious, I hope you’re not a cat! Bam! High five me! No? Prolly for the best. If you’re curious, I had Lance Lynn here, but his last two outings got him booted, and I’m kinda laughing that I ranked Miles Mikolas and his barely goofy-low K/9 in the top 100. For what it’s Cronenworth, I did consider Strider (IP), Nestor Cortes (can he keep this up), Julio Urias (I don’t like him), Frankie Montas (injury), Logan Webb (feels due for the opposite kind of regression as all other Giants starters) and many other starters. Just can’t expect all starters to be listed in a top 100. Projections: 6-2/3.07/1.06/71 in 89 IP

87. Tommy Pham –  This ranking is for everyone who’s ever sent a threatening email to two leaguemates after they made a bad trade. Projections: 34/9/28/.245/7 in 249 ABs

88. Bryce Harper – He’s due back mid-August, and there’s roughly 100 plate appearances in a month, and he walks a decent amount, so that cuts his at-bats, and I don’t know how much time we’re going to see from Bryce. You googling = Me googling = Our knowledge of Harper’s return. Projections: 23/10/24/.294/4 in 120 ABs

89. Austin Hays – Word about the rankings in general. Hays could be worth this spot for the 2nd half, or not even worth a top 300 spot. Like you during a 3 AM bathroom break, these are very fluid. Projections: 29/10/33/.271/3 in 259 ABs

90. Andres Gimenez – Here’s something about doing rankings. You rank someone like Pham and his 9/7 projection and then you start looking around and you’re like,”Well, Andres Gimenez should have projections close to that, so I have to rank him,” then you’re like, “Hmm, Whit Merrifield might have 12 steals and four homers, and that’s a total of 16, and 9/7 is sixteen, so…” and, before you know you’ve ranked 400 guys in your top 100. Projections: 26/9/33/.274/7 in 229 ABs

91. Eloy Jimenez – Had him a little bit higher originally, but in the last week when he seemed to hurt himself by literally walking, I moved him down. If a guy gets hurt walking into the gym, it’s not great. Thinking about the poor schnooks who had Tyler O’Neill and Eloy for their 1st half, and wondering if they’e enjoying Donkey Teeth’s fantasy football rankings. Projections: 30/12/35/.261 in 221 ABs

92. Nick Castellanos – This is a super sad area of the top 100, huh? If you had Tyler O’Neill, Eloy, Castellanos, and Walsh and are still reading fantasy baseball content, bless you, at least all your bad luck is focused on one area of your life. The Greek God of Hard Contact became The Greek God of No Hard Contact this year, also known as Nick Markakis. Oh my God! Are they starring in a Vice Versa remake out of the back of a Greek diner? Souvlaki! More like souv-lacking! Projections: 30/10/34/.273/2 in 277 ABs

93. Ian Happ – This guy is the only player all year to show actual improvement on batting average. I don’t know if this is a fact, but it seems like it. Projections: 31/8/32/.278/5 in 237 ABs

94. Alejandro Kirk – We got a…*balloons fall from ceiling, streamers shoot out, pulls from waistband a t-shirt gun, fires a t-shirt into my beanbag outfitted in a Giancarlo jersey*…another catcher! Projections: 30/10/37/.297 in 223 ABs

95. Luis Arraez – This guy’s sailing higher than anyone ever on Four-Twenty. That’s as in 0420, the box score for his stat line every game. Projections: 39/2/21/.346/2 in 256 ABs

96. Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – Was a very late addition to the top 100 along with Nimmo and Franmil when Wander, Tyler O’Neill and Bryan Reynolds got bounced. So, Lou-Gu-Ju, wasn’t just a Pokemon-sounding guy we liked in the preseason, we liked him because he was great in the 2nd half last year, so hopefully he repeats that. Projections: 27/10/37/.279/1 in 216 ABs

97. Michael Harris II – Walking out of a theater that’s playing Michael Harris I, “That stinks, I hope they never make another one.” Then, they go and make Michael Harris II and it exceeds the original almost as much as Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit exceeded its original. Projections: 25/7/28/.274/6 in 229 ABs

98. Brandon Nimmo – You found Nimmo! (In the rankings.) Projections: 41/6/28/.278/4 in 271 ABs

99. Franmil Reyes – “That $54 Vending Machine Steak is gonna eat!” Me looking at Franmil on my fantasy team page. Trying to find another random guy who could hit 20 homers in the 2nd half? Look no further. Well, a little further, but you’re almost done. Projections: 29/15/37/.244/1 in 228 ABs

100. Ramon Laureano – I had Jarren Duran ranked here originally, but I don’t even know if Duran will have a starting job by August. That does bring up one point worth making: These rankings are merely a jumping off point. A 7500-word jumping off point! Duran could steals 20 bags in the 2nd half, or be a bench guy by August 1st. I’d put Jose Miranda above Duran if a fantasy team’s needs are different, and Miranda isn’t ranked here either. Whereas Laureano, is actually ranked here! Laureano at least feels safe and productive, which is either exactly what you want, or not at all. These guys are all dependent on team needs. Projections: 32/9/24/.251/7 in 239 ABs

101. Vinnie Pasquantino – You know who he reminds me of? I’ll give you a hint: Vinnie Pasquantino of the Stromboli Crime Family. Old heads will know who I’m talking about. Grab the bat, leave the cannoli. Projections: 27/12/34/.237 in 247 ABs

102. Corbin Carroll – This isn’t just Carroll. This is Esteury Ruiz, Nolan Jones, Jarred KelenicJo Adell or a host of other prospects. This ranking is whoever is called up. Like Corbin and Grayson, in a split second, they could be called up and be worth a top 100 pick. You need to evaluate how much risk you can handle on your bench. Likely a guy like Andrew Benintendi, who isn’t ranked here, will be worth more than Carroll and others, but what fun is ending with a name like Benintendi? A Benintending? Now, Benintendi on the Mets…Interesting. Projections: upside/upside/upside/upside/upside

103. Whoever Helps You Win – Don’t get tied to projections and rankings and “I drafted this guy in the 4th round this year.” Yeah, we all hate Jonathan India, not just you. The worst thing you can do at this stage is hold onto players just because of what they could do vs. what they are doing. What they are doing is what wins championships and that’s what excites the ladies in your daydreams and your daydreams are real to you.