Please see our player page for Alek Manoah to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

Just once
Can we figure out what we keep doin’ wrong
Why our players never last for very long
What are we doin’ wrong?
Just once
Can we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
We could just get to it
I know I just got back India but what did the Fantasy Baseball Overlord do to it
Hmm hmm
Just once

*sobbing uncontrollably* Make the magic last for just one night. Just once–Jesus effin’ Christmas tree lights up in October what are we doing? This is not right!? Ozzie Albies? Seriously? A fractured foot? Ozzie Albies’s feet should only be discussed on some weird subreddit. Ess oh BEEEEE! So, Orlando Arcia should see more playing time while Albies is out, my guess is for at least six weeks. I hate this. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

To try to appeal more to teenage boys, the Rangers should install a giant lotion bottle in center field, and each time Marcus Semien homers, it explodes with lotion onto the fans in the bleachers. Yesterday, there would be a lot of facials from Semien, as he went 7-for-8, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a triple slam (4, 5, 6) and double legs (9, 10). Halleberrylujah. That might actually be the single greatest day ever. Could Semien be coming out of his early-season funk like Jason Biggs once came out of a tube sock? Okay, those other words were likely avoidable. Is Semien about to explode? Again, avoidable! Is Semien about to explode in a good way in all his glory, whole and pulsating. Okay, more very avoidable words! Here’s what I thought on our Youtube channel. Click that and click subscribe so I can feed my children (Ted, a dog).

Before you say, this rooster, Grey, is caca-cuckoo crazy. Entering yesterday’s games, he had an expected batting average of .201, and one of the worst exit velocities in the major. Everything across the board on his page is saying he really was this bad. Not unlucky. Could he turn it all around? Does Marcus Semien sound like a bath towel that you tell your mom you got paste on? Yes and yes! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The doubleheader in the Bronx started with Ohtani taking on Nestor. The hype, the excitement, the mustache! It was all there. Then the nightcap, what could it do to top such intrigue?! What, I scream at my ceiling. The nightcap ended up being a very stiff shot of Jameson. Did I do that, right? I haven’t drank in, like, ten years, I forget the terminology sometimes. Jameson Taillon took a perfect game into the 8th inning, ending the game with the line — 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at…What’s his ERA? Go ahead. Guess! You know him! Let’s hear your best guesses! Please, indulge me! Imagine dopey guesses as little chocolate truffles. Roll them in cocoa powder and pop them into my mouth for my consumption. WRONG! He’s got a 2.30 ERA. You were two runs off. At least! No? Then you’re rostering him. So, Taillon is doing it with pinpoint control — 5 BBs in 58 2/3 IP — and that’s coming with almost identical stats from previous years minus some Ks. Elite command can carry a guy pretty far. Maybe not as far as a 2.30 ERA in 170+ IP, but won’t be much worse than 3.50 if he holds that kind of command. That Jameson can scotch tape together a lot fantasy staffs if you’re looking to Taillon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

They say he’s the greatest Orioles catcher ever. They say the greatest catcher prospect since Yogi Berra. They are talking about Matt Wieters. “They” are Keith Law. He’s not the only one. I went back to the 2009 prospect guys to see what people were saying about Matt Wieters and found, “Has the power of Mark Teixeira,” and “a bat so potent he could be a two-time batting champion and one of the game’s biggest stars in almost two years.” Okay, I lied, those are all Keith Law quotes! Good for baseball that Wieters wasn’t its biggest star. Others were just as complimentary to Wieters with Kevin Goldstein, who got a job with the Astros and now the Twins said, “Wieters, Chris Tillman and Brian Matusz are can’t miss.” They had great things to say about Matt LaPorta too. Who? Not sure, I think Matt LaPorta is French for doormat. From that draft alone, there was no mention of Madison Bumgarner, Giancarlo, Freddie Freeman, Josh Donaldson, or even Travis d’Arnaud, all guys drafted after Wieters and LaPorta. Why mention any of this? Just tamping down Adley Rutschman enthusiasm with this hype-cleaver. That’s my Tamp-ax! Wait, maybe it’s not a good idea to say that. So, this is a weird way to start a post where I say I’d absolutely pick up Adley Rutschman in every league. Killing enthusiasm with my Tampax. Yikes, need to stop saying that. The Tampax (this is not a sponsored post, by the way) is simply to stop up hype that Rutschman will be a top five catcher as soon as he’s called up. I don’t think he will, but he could be. Think 15 HRs and .280 for four months. It’s irrelevant what he was even doing in the minors. He was ready two years ago. He’s worth adding in all leagues if you’re struggling at catcher, Tampax be damned. Period. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s gonna be May! [insert Justin Trousersnake GIF]. I wish writing this stuff was as easy as being in a boy band. If only I had been born with small pores and the ability to dance! Instead, I got this weird gene that keeps my feet locked on the floor, which also ruined any potential careers in basketball, rock climbing, or being a high wire trapeze artist. Apparently, I got the gene for spotting semi-useful fantasy pitchers as well. Thanks, mom! That’s my recognition of Mother’s Day — Mom, you were the one who gifted me this ability to stare at numbers and make sense of them. In another life, I could be that guy in the Matrix who stares at code all day and sees “blonde, red head…” and so on. But in this life, I’m 20 years beyond the production of Garden State and still wondering how people in the aughts thought The Shins were going to change music forever. Good job Hollywood! ENYWHEY. Let’s see what I can do for your fantasy teams this week!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

First, let’s stop to address our five female readers. Google analytics says there’s two mothers, and one is my mom — hi Mom! — and the other mother is one of our frequent commenter’s moms making sure I don’t use any naughty words. I’ll let you decide which commenter it is. Happy Mother’s Day to you, our lone mother unrelated to me. Hopefully your son was as filthy, in a good way, to you as George Kirby. So, this is what it’s like being in a league with Prospect Itch. Rookie is called up, I go to the waiver wire, Itch already has said rookie player and I grumble like Lisa Simpson. Rinse and repeat. This weekend’s grumbles were accompanied by me looking for Royce Lewis, Jarren Duran and George Kirby. In Friday’s Buy column, I went over Duran and Lewis (great comedy duo, by the way), but I was too optimistic on both, since Duran’s already been sent down and Lewis might not be far behind. That brings us back to George Kirby (6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks). His stuff: a triple-digit speedball that sits 102. Weird, I sit 101, but I’m talking traffic and on a freeway. Here’s Itch’s breakdown of Kirby, “His off-speed stuff is less impressive, but his double-plus command makes everything play up and turns the fastball into multiple pitches. If you know you can hit the inside corner or the outside corner to hitters from both sides of the plate, that soon factors into your thinking as two different pitches, strategically speaking. He’s 6’4” 215 lbs and puts it together in a smooth, athletic delivery that should help him stay healthy, in theory. His outcomes have been stellar at every stop so far. And here’s hoping Grey gets punched in the head.” What? C’mon, man! So, I tried to grab Kirby in every league. The command should help the avoidance of roofies, and the upside is real and it’s spectacular. Yesterday’s start made a patient team look dumb. Even the Prospectonator (projections for every rookie) is optimistic, and it’s never optimistic. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Jesse Winker was a .300 hitter. The Mariners made Jesse Winker a .180 hitter. The Mariners took the two best prospects in baseball and made them .175 hitters. I don’t want to overstate how good Cristian Javier looked, because he looked excellent, but I want it to be clearly stated, the Mariners have poisoned bats. Not like The Riddler plotting in Gotham after The Batman. Like literally holding noodles they think are bats, and never making contact to find out they’re actually holding dry capellini. With that said, Cristian Javier (5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.96) looks so good, man and five womans. Not as efficient as I would like (87 pitches with one out in the 6th). Pairing a 96 MPH 4-seamer with an 80 MPH slider that just breaks from righties way outside. Not as many swings and misses as one would like, but no chance for the Mariners on so many pitches. Throw out an Adam Frazier ten-pitch at-bat to start the game, and he would’ve easily made it through the 6th. Javier looks every bit like a starter for every fantasy league, and not just when facing the poisoned, capellini bats of the M’s. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

While I may have taken some liberties with the spelling of the last name, can anyone tell me (without Googling) where my title comes from? I’ll give you a hint. The movie includes John Wick, Sodapop Curtis and Johnny Castle. But for now, let’s discuss Tylor Megill. Through five starts he is averaging 20 points […]

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sun beating down across a desert landscape. Sweat beading from my forehead. I lift a thermos to my face and spray my face with liquid to freshen myself. “I think I just sprayed my face with urine,” I say to no one, because no one is around. A mirage from the sand rises; it’s Pegasus. The horsey with wings kneels in front of me so I can get on. Pegasus turns to me and says, “I need to get you to an internet cafe so you can put Ronald Acuña Jr. in your lineup.” Thank you, Pegasus! Thank you, Ronald Acuña Jr.! Thank you, Tildaddy! Okay, now I’m just singing that crappy Alanis song, Thank you. I really needed Acuña (1-for-5, 1st and 2nd steal, hitting leadoff). Now stay on the field, Tildaddy says it’s October! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?