….but I just can’t help myself. Baseball is almost upon us, Grey is creating literary gold, and I get to write about guys that play with tiny white balls. It’s good to be back. Anyways, in this weekly piece, I’ll highlight one player and see if I’m bearish or bullish on their prospects going forward. For those who are new, bear or bull is an expression used in the stock market to convey optimism or pessimism. A bull attacks with its horns in an upward motion, while a bear swipes its claws downward. Hence, being bullish is good because value goes up, while being bearish is bad because value goes down. As I was scrolling through the rankings (Razzball and FantasyPros), one player immediately jumped out to me: Eugenio Suarez.Please, blog, may I have some more?
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At this point in the season, it’s like a tag line for a bad horror film, no one is safe. Narrator, “This fall, in a theater near you, Jamie Lee Curtis, the world’s hottest cougar. A cougar so hot when she enters any room, a DJ plays, “Stray Cat Strut,” but the people in the room replace cat with cougar.” Unsuspecting person, whistling, “I’m just going to open this random closet over here while this ominous music plays. No, I’m not going to turn on a light first, that would be silly.” Unsuspecting person opens the closet door and Jamie Lee Curtis jumps out, “Boo!” “Boo as in you want to be my boo, because you are so hot for a 70-year-old. How about me, you and the diner waitress who calls me sugar get a motel room?” Jamie Lee Curtis shakes her head and walks away as people sing Stray Cougar Strut. Narrator returns, “No one is safe, and everyone wants to sleep with the 70-year-old Jamie Lee Curtis, because she is so hot. Has she had work done?” No one is safe on fantasy teams either. In the Sells, I’ll get to dropping, but this is about picking up (and not just 70-year-old women). There’s a good chance I go all-in on Daniel Palka this offseason. Of course, before going all-in, it’s important to get consent first. I learned this the hard way with Giancarlo. This post is just about what he can do over the next week. That would be best informed by what he’s done over the last week: 4 HRs and hitting .375. As I tell Jamie Lee Curtis in my daydreams, giddy up, sexy, we’re going for a ride! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jeff McNeil sounds Irish, but, to me, he’s Polish’d. He’s old, for sure — or fer sure, if you’re a millennial — and seems to have received a bad rep because he’s older. As a Cougar Hunter, I can attest that, like wine and women who attend bingo competitions at churches, prospects aren’t done at the age of 26. Sure, we’d prefer players hitting 20 homers at the age of 19 like Sexy Dr. Pepper or doing the breakdancing worm on top of their N’s like Acuña, but all prospects are not the same. You have to subtract at least two years from McNeil’s age just because he’s on the Mets and they spent that time trying to figure out how to sell tickets to a Jose Reyes/David Wright reunion on the left side of the diamond. The Reyes/Wright reunion is like if ABC reunited a sitcom and everyone loved the super sweet dad, who they thought was dead, let’s call him David Goodman, but reunited him with a piece of garbage, let’s call him Jose Roseanne. The Wright part is fine, there’s fond memories, but the Reyes’ part they can leave in the dumpster. So, McNeil took longer to tap his power, so what? He can still have four to six years of productivity, because he looks ready to go now. I’m pumped for him in 2019, but this is about this year, and I’d absolutely grab him. Dude’s got so much Polish about to call him Jeff McNeilski. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
How does Franmil Reyes have such quick hand-eye coordination for a big guy? Of course, it’s due to his 20/20 over 20/20 vision. Franmil’s two-upping your vision! Franmil Reyes isn’t just a big-time power hitter, he’s also the winner of the 1st Annual Kyle Blanks Look-A-Like Pageant. You might remember Franmil’s now famous answer to the question, “California is going through a world-record drought, what would you do to solve this dilemma if you had one afternoon to spend with your doppelgänger, Kyle Blanks?” Franmil took his time, then answered, “I’d go to the tallest peak in the Rockies with Mr. Blanks and we’d make snow angels, melting more snowflakes than Fox News and that water would roll into California. I.e., This is my Fran-friction!” I lifted myself from my Furby beanbag and cheered in my man cave. Bless you, Franmil! Bless you, child! Also bless his power. His batting average will come down some with a larger sample size, but there is no larger sample size than this 7-foot, 450-pound behemoth when it comes to dongs. Sounded better in my head! If you need power, I’d grab Franmil in all leagues. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You remember in Austin Powers when he gets his golf cart stuck in the tunnel and tries to make a u-turn and just goes back and forth unable to turn. That’s how I feel going between Tyler White and Tyler O’Neill. “Tyler O’Neill just homered…” *backs up golf cart* “Tyler White just homered…” *reverses golf cart* “O’Neill now!” *tries to turn wheel* “White does it again!” *gets out of golf cart and tries to move it manually, but have overestimated strength* “O’Neill with a round tripper!” *sighs, gets back in golf cart and checks Facebook menchies, overcome with helplessness of decisions* I do not know which Tyler I would go with anymore. Every day this week it has switched, sometimes it’s switched in the same day. Tyler White is top four slugging percentage in the majors leagues when sorting by 100 plate appearances, but just as soon as you say that Tyler O’Neill will go and do something. White is likely in a platoon, but when Ozuna returns, O’Neill will have same problems. I’d own both, but White is my favorite…*sees O’Neill hit a homer, reverses golf cart* Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Alex Trebek, “The $500 clue is, ‘Now.'” “The time I pooped my pants on national TV.” “Sorry, that’s not correct. Susan?” “What is now? Like now? Now now? What kinda answer is now?” “Sorry, we can only accept your first question, ‘What is now?’ and that is incorrect. Grey, you buzzed in last because you were on your phone picking up a streamer for tomorrow. The answer is, ‘Now,’ your question is…” “What is the time to pick up Eloy Jimenez?” “That is correct. You control the board.” “Okay, I’ll take ‘Uber/Lyft for $500.” “Your neighbor uses this World War II pun when describing them.” “What is Taxis of Evil?” “Right again!” Any hoo! As Alex Trebek illustrated in the most roundabout way, now is the time to pick up Eloy Jimenez if you have room. He is absolutely tearing the cover off the ball in Triple-A like he’s putting the finishing touches on his Roy Hobbs Halloween costume — 11 HRs, .345 in 37 games. I mean, over-the-internet friend, he’s 21 and doing that? He’s going to be special. Only question now that ends in a period is will the White Sox call him up when rosters expand in September. My guess is they do and he starts the year with the club next April. He’s going to be a star with little Jeopardy. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know that expression, “If you’re alive long enough, you will see a time when Samoans are skinny, petite men who request silver dollar-sized coconuts to cover their nipples.” You don’t know it? That’s because I just made it up! You’ve been TRICK’D! It’s my spinoff of Punk’d with your host The Amazing Johnathan. The expression’s sentiments I just made up are accurate, however (as far as I’m concerned, and, sadly, this isn’t a democracy, and I’m the one that matters). The expression’s root is from the actual expression, “If you live long enough, you’ll experience everything.” This feels especially apt today because we’ve gone from wanting to own Miguel Sano, to cursing Miguel Sano, back to wanting to own him again. What’s next? A skinny Miguel Sano requesting smaller coconuts to cover his nipples! Okay, maybe not immediately, but if we live long enough! I don’t have any great hopes for Miguel Sano, but he’s owned in 30% of leagues and that seems low for even him. There’s not a ton of guys who can hit 15 homers from now until the end of the season; Sano’s on that list. Will it happen? I don’t know, maybe if we live long enough. Circular logic is your friend because it too can cover your nipples. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Michael Conforto is a Buy. A Mets hitter. Long pause. Hearing Dominick the Donkey on the radio. Realizing that pause was until Christmas. “Hey, chingedy ching, hee haw, hee haw. It’s Conforto, the fantasy baseball Buy donkey. The Italian Christmas Fantasy Baseball Buy Donkey. He plays for the Mets and you know what this means? The label on the inside of his uni says they’re made in Queens.” In the beginning of the season, Conforto looked like he was working with three-quarters of his ability. So, who’s he, Confor? Julius Caesar never came, saw and Confor’d, right? The lawyers didn’t Confor with the judge before sentencing Conforto to three months of terrible hitting. Confor the lousy hitting, stay for the fear of success? Yes, but no. What I think we’re going to hear this offseason is Conforto is going to say the first few months of the season, his shoulder was still bothering him, but, by the 2nd half, that started to ease. On our last 7 day Player Rater, Conforto is top 15, and could be in store for a solid 2nd half if his injury is finally healed. Now get the Italian Christmas Fantasy Baseball Buy Donkey! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Nick Williams was a popular preseason breakout target. Or tar-jay, if a soccer mom is reading. Targot, if you just returned from Target. Targo, if you’re eating escargot after going to Target. Tarshouldget, if Target doesn’t carry your size. Tarheel, if you stepped into tar then into Target. Tarnishes, obviously means your Target carries knishes, so you must be in Brooklyn, and it’s ironic. Tarte tatin, you’re wearing a hat made of slow roasted apples on your head in a Target. Whatever Target applies, wanna know why Williams was a popular preseason pick? C’mon, sit on my lap and I’ll tell ya. Metaphorically! Get off my lap, you weirdo! *sprays Lysol on legs* Really wish you didn’t touch my legs. So, Nick Williams had 15 HRs, 5 SBs and a .280 average in his last year of Triple-A, in only 78 games (!). He’s still only 24 years old. I know, he failed to live up to hype last year. OR DID HE?! Ooh, you heard of reversible umbrellas? That was a reversal question. Not similar at all. He only played in 83 games last year, a sloppy prorater would say he could’ve had 24 homers last year and hit .288. Maybe he doesn’t fully break out until next year (yes, he will be a sleeper), but he’s been hot in the last week, and on pace for another 24-homer season and has lowered his Ks. Plus, you don’t need to go to Target to buy him! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I want to transport you back to Jason Heyward‘s first career MLB at-bat. They called him The J-Hey Kid. Bobby Cox called the then-20-year-old a future Hall of Famer. Reggie Jackson said of the sound of the ball off Heyward’s bat, “Everyone’s hits sound like they’re ‘in AM’ and Heyward’s hits sound like they’re in stereo.” No one questioned why Reggie Jackson was commenting on a then-Atlanta Braves outfielder. Darryl Strawberry said Heyward reminded him of himself before his career was derided by drugs. Nothing ominous there; don’t read into that at all. Then-president Obama said, “Heyward’s legacy will be maintained as well as my own,” and the accolades flowed. Then, in his first at-bat, he homered. He won Rookie of the Month accolades in both April and May. Was selected, as a rookie, to the All-Star Game and now you better not let anyone ever hear you compare Heyward’s rookie exploits to Acuña or you will get popped in the mouth. Well, that was an abrupt reversal. This year, at the age of 28, he has five homers and zero steals while hitting .287. He’s a different hitter. Brucely, until this year, he hadn’t been a hitter for five years, but more of a defensive specialist. He’s hitting .410 in the last week with a homer and I could see grabbing him for average and runs as he’s now The J-Okay Kid. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?