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“Please welcome to the stage, De La Cruz, the Spanish-language De La Soul cover band, and their smash hit, “Sábados.” De La Cruz sings, “Sábados es a Sábados, Sábados es a Sábados, Sábados es a Sábados, Sábados es a Sábados…” A kid squints, unsure if he’s in the right place. He asks the kid next to him in Spanglish, “Hola, amigo, I thought es concerto was about Elly De La Cruz?” The kids says back, “Sorry, I only English and Spanish, separately.” So, Elly De La Cruz and Oneil Cruz don’t just share a last name. They look like the zygote split at exactly six foot, five inches. They are the Big John Studd and Hulk Hogan locked-up, forehead-to-forehead, throwing 107 MPH bullets to first and hitting 120 MPH lasers into the bleachers. Elly De La Cruz and Oneil Cruz are both 40/40 threats with contact issues. If Elly De La Cruz is called-up within a few weeks, they’ll likely both be drafted within a round of each other next year. They are the Wonder Twin Powers. Regarding Elly De La Cruz and when he’ll be called up, I figured later this year, but I could be wrong (would be the first time), and I don’t want all of you to miss out. My figuring had a lot to do with Christian Encarnacion-Strand is much older and should be promoted first, then De La Cruz would be called up, but it doesn’t need happen to like that. They’re both ready, and De La Cruz might be younger, but is actually better. De La Cruz could be a top 50 overall player the rest of the way, and absolutely should be stashed. He’s definitely ready for his walkup music: Meany, meany, meany, meany (Decir que?), Meany, meany, meany, meany (Decir que?) Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Wistfully, “This guy has such great health.” That’s Royce Lewis looking at Byron Buxton. Royce Lewis is the Merely A Flesh Wound Guy. Royce Lewis has been injured so much he actually knows the difference between physical and occupational therapy. In fact, when Lewis is watching a basketball game that is going to OT, he hops out of his wheelchair, grabs crutches and yells, “It’s time to see Sheila!” So, do you have *looks at watch* six years for Royce Lewis to break out? For those who don’t know the bare minimum about Lewis, he was the meow’s cat, missed two years with injury, then came back and was hitting everything in the minors, then, due to that ferocious bat, he was called up. This was last year. Then he hurt himself and missed another year. Lieutenant Dan has had less issues with his legs. Royce Lewis has torn his ACL so many times that he thinks an “ACL” is Roman for 150 knee injuries. He can’t be roamin’ because his legs are made of taffy and rubber bands. “I wish they used cherry.” That’s Royce chewing on the creamsicle taffy holding together his knee. Is he back to hitting again in the minors? Yup, and here we are again. He has 30/30/.270 type tools, also see: the young Buxton comp. He has the 2nd best projections for all hitter rookies on our Prospectonator (check out #1). Lewis is a can’t miss fantasy superstar if he can miss just one injury. Word on the street that Lewis can’t walk down without hurting himself is he could be called up as soon as he’s eligible on May 29th. Grab him now, before he chews through the rest of the creamsicle taffy. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Standing in front of the Reds’ GM office, whistling as I push a mop past the open door. Cleaning up a pile of spaghetti and chili that someone dropped earlier that day in their rush to get to the cafeteria to get a new plate of spaghetti and chili. I say to myself in a low whisper, “Hmm, I’m just a janitor for the Reds. Living my best life. Been a lifelong Cincy guy. What a shame someone dropped this beautiful spaghetti and chili. Just a real shame. I’m not pretending to be a janitor so I can overhear when the Reds’ GM calls up a new prospect. That’s silly to even consider. It wasn’t me, early this morning, breaking into the building to spill spaghetti and chili in the most opportune spot so I could carry out this ruse. Not me. That’s just very silly.” I carefully sidestep the pile of spaghetti-chili, and lean my ear towards the GM. Drats! He’s calling up…Skyline?! For more spaghetti and chili?! Oh, these people are incorrigible! So, I don’t know who the next Reds’ prospect will be called up. My guess is it’s Christian Encanracion-Strand, but we don’t need to worry about that, we have one already called up, Matt McLain, who sounds like a pro athlete, only not for baseball. For like bowling. Does he wanna bowl with Mookie Betts? Speaking of Betts, no, I won’t compare him to Betts, but McLain does have power and speed. Cincy plays so well for power too, that you almost have to be a negative to not take advantage of Great American Smallpark. While McLain’s power can produce 15-ish homers, the speed is even better. He could go 12/20 in only four months of the season, and has solid contact. I’d grab him in all leagues. Oh, wait a second, someone just called the GM about a pickup, let’s listen in…Oh, forget it, it was David Bell asking if someone could pick up the spaghetti and chili in the hallway, and put it on a plate for him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Welcome to CES, the biggest electronics trade show in the world! In year’s past, I’ve debuted many different mind-altering products, and that was just the year I showed up with peyote! You might remember our booth from last year where we debuted the first Ay-I. It was AI, but it added a thick Italian accent to all its answers.“What is Death Valley?” “Ay-I suppose it’s-a desert! But it could be anywhere me and my buddies did an impromptu burial-ay-oh!” Then there was the year I debuted my chopsticks that attached to the end of fingers so you could get to the bottom of any snack bag! Pringles, you no longer defeat me! Then there was the year I debuted giant leafs. Now, instead of picking up after your dog, you just camouflage it! All ingenious products, to be sure, but this year we have something that’s only available in minors. Naïveté to believe in Santa? No! Christian Encarnacion-Strand! Maybe I’ll be shocked, like after sticking my finger in this plug, but I think there’s only one big minor league promotion left, bat-wise, and it’s CES. Maybe it will be Elly De La Cruz, but, because of his age, I think Cincy drags their heels with him. Maybe I’m wrong on that. Would love to be! If Cincy wasn’t so good as a park, CES’s insanely low walk rate might bother me. It doesn’t because he’s going to hit for so much power. He could be a top 20 overall power bat when he’s called up. There’s a chance here for a guy who hits 25+ homers in only three-quarters of the season. It might come with a .240 or lower average, but the power is going to be special. I’ve already stashed him in a few leagues, because it feels like it’s only a matter of time, and I know he’s a winner! Like that year I debuted pill compartments, but for clothes! (This seriously is a good idea. Hit me up on my mobile and let’s chat about emerging markets.) Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Ding Dong ain’t got shizz on me!” That’s a famous quote from Denzel Washington after my autocorrect gets done with it. See, my autocorrect keeps changing Nick Senzel to Nick Denzel, and I’ve tired of ducking changing it. I called AppleCare and asked them how to change my autocorrect settings to “Not stupid” and they laughed, then, when they were done laughing, I asked again and they said, “Oh, you’re serious?” Ding Dong ain’t got shizz on me with how serious I am! No, this isn’t the star of Antone Disher, and it’s Antwone Fisher! This isn’t Robbin Carter, and it’s Ruben Carter! The Boner Collector? Why does my autocorrect even know that word?! I’ve never in my life typed such a thing! So, Nick Senzel aka Nick Denzel was once a top prospect. That ship sailed so long ago it’s reached its destination already at: Port U-A-Bust. He’s sipping Mai Tais with Garrett Hampson and Bubba Starling, but the DJ just announced there’s one final dance, because he’s playing Last Dance by Donna Summer, not Michael Jordan’s The Last Dance, and Senzel is the only one going to the dance floor to move his hips. Hopefully, he doesn’t hurt himself! He is capable of a nice combo of power and speed and never struck out much, so he could hit .280. Can he stay on the field? I have my doubts, but I could see adding him in all leagues. He is after all a two-time Oskar winner. Damn it, autocorrect! Oscar is the more common spelling! Why would you change that? Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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“Are the Cubs stupid? We come back after the break to answer that very important question and many more.” The anchor takes off his earpiece and says, “Yes, they are stupid. They’ve kept down Matt Mervis and Christopher Morel for so long now for what reason? Is there a reason? Well…?” Then, he realizes he’s not an anchor, but instead he’s a fantasy baseball owner of Matt Mervis and Christopher Morel, and he’s not wearing pants and he’s sitting in his mother’s basement and he’s doing a ‘newscast’ to his cat, Pajamas Higgins, who was the Cubs’ first baseman last year for 38 games, though he’s better known as P.J. As I said last year, “I did a google for Matt Mervis and his ETA and I found he’s going to be promoted to the Cubs in 2022. Very cool, let’s see how he did. Let me do another google for us. Hmm, I’m not seeing any stats for Matt Mervis with the Cubs. The Cubs must’ve had some great 1st basemen for the last year.” And that’s me quoting me! Same story, different year! Matt Mervis is a 25-homer guy in the majors tomorrow with no change in approach. He’s not young, so, ya know, he should already be in the majors, if the Cubs didn’t want to waste him for no reason. At 25 years old, it would be easy to write him off, but he was a college guy who lost 2020. I asked Itch if Mervis was going to be Tork 2.0, and he said he hoped not, then asked for my GPS coordinates to send a drone. Itch also added that Mervis has more reps against good arms and he keeps getting better. Sounds like he should be Never Nervous Matt Mervis. He reminds me of every super late cornerman that is rostered in every league. 25/.260 guys have value, and he should’ve been up already. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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“When will it all click?” is an amorphous thing. Could it be immediately? Cody Bellinger was immediate; Fernando Tatis Jr. was pretty immediate; Juan Soto was immediate. Now that I list these immediate guys, I’m beginning to wonder if success too fast is bad for the player. Like the child actor of baseball. Do you want to put your hands on your cheeks with aftershave, and scream after being left alone when you’re 12, or do you want to Culkin in your late-30’s on Succession? Fighting for success is better? I don’t know, but you can’t put a time on anyone’s breakout. Shohei Ohtani was in the league for a few leagues, drafted around 220th overall that preseason, then he broke out. We’re seeing something similar this year with Jarred Kelenic. Could the same be true of Josh Lowe? This is a guy who we’ve been touting since 2019, when he went 18/30 in Double-A. Then he followed that with 22/26 and we were all convinced he was going to arrive — and arrive he did! — but with a yawn. He started the year with the Rays last year, but was quickly sent down, and went 14/25 in the minors, and people started whispering the dreaded Quad-A label. And these people weren’t even in a library! The problem at every stop was his strikeouts would Bialystock & Bloom and he couldn’t produce, but not this year. Finally, Josh Lowe doesn’t seem like the low man of Lowes, but more like the Lowe man. He’s cut his strikeouts by a huge margin and, if he’s hitting for power, and running like he always did without the Ks? Then the Josh Lowe bar is high. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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As a fantasy baseball ‘pert, I have a responsibility to give you the most likely to help you lede buy each week. This is not that. This is irresponsible. This is walking into the theater of Razzball and screaming fire, then, as everyone screams and runs out, slowly, and methodically eating everyone’s left-behind popcorn. By the by, what do you call the snacks in the theater when going to see a Kirk Cameron movie with your church group? Left Behind popcorn. Any hoo! I am choosing to be irresponsible because the upside is too great. Gavin Stone needs to be stashed now. You missed out on Kris Bubic? Shucks. You didn’t get Drey Jameson? Oh poo. You failed to acquire Bryce da Elder? Shame on you. Well, you have one more chance (until Brandon Pfaadt is called up). That’s grabbing Gavin Stone. I’m so shocked he hasn’t been called up yet that I thought that between me writing this for the Patreon on Wednesday and posting this on Friday, he might be called up. He’s a 10+ K/9, low-3 BB/9, and the Dodgers’ number two in the making. Here’s what Itch’s said, “(Stone’s) coming off a preposterous season covering three levels with a 1.48 ERA and 1.12 WHIP. Change-up dominant arms with plus command can cruise through the minors and get corrected at the highest level, but Stone has enough fastball and enough slider to tunnel with that killer cambio. Most importantly, he’s a good pitcher. Knows what he’s doing out there. He struck out a lot of guys but realizes you don’t have to strike everyone out. His best skill as a pro has probably been home run suppression, which I tend to think is generally underrated. He’s allowed ten of them in 212.2 professional innings. Ten? I’ve dreamt of punching Grey more times just in the past minute.” What the heck? Grab Stone now, before he skips away. (Clever? Methinks so!) Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*nudges the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell, and it doesn’t move* “Oh my God, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell is dead!”
“I’m not dead, you idiot. I’m hungover. Could you please stop screaming?”
“Woo hoo! The Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell is alive!”
“Jesus Christ.”

So, welcome back to another Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell, or as I like to call it, “Pick up this player in your league if he’s available because he’s rostered in less than 50% of leagues, but only if you’re carrying a player who is worse than him” and “Trade away this player who is rostered in more than 50% of leagues, but only if you’re getting a fair price.” You can see why I went with Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell instead.

Our first fantasy baseball lede buy is coming to you straight from a little area of my brain labeled, “Only Think About Wonderful In This Area.” What, you don’t label parts of your brain? Oh, too bad. I took a seminar on memory at a Ramada Inn in Parsippany, New Jersey, where I learned this. That and don’t bite into a donut and put it back on the tray. Those are the only two things I remember from that seminar. So, now it’s time to get down to business…Crap, are you thirsty? I feel so parched. Like I just traveled through the desert on camel while smoking a pack of Camels. Just let me get a drink and then we will start up. Inserts seven quarters into a soda machine, while deciding between Jimmy Sprite and this other guy. Finally, I select Oscar Colas. Then, I listen for the clink of the can down the chute, then remove Colas from the slot. Feeling the heft in my hand and I crack him open to the wonderfully pleasant sound of ahhhhh. Sips a little at first, as I go over his minor league numbers: 14 homers in Double-A; two homers in Triple-A in only seven games with a steal; hit .306 in Double-A and .387 in that week in AAA; reads what Itch has to say, “He hit 23 home runs in 127 games across three levels last year, batting above .300 at every stop. Chicago has been tough on hitters the past few seasons, but Colas has enough thump to threaten 20-plus bombs if he gets the gig early, and I’d like to thump Grey with my fist.” Wow, what a soda machine this is! Oscar Colas got the job, and I’m all-in on him until we see him actually struggle somewhere, because we have not seen that once. I need Colas everywhere and so should you. Stay thirsty, my friends, and remember, Andrew Benintendi is the un-Colas. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?