The Reds are paying Ke’Bryan Hayes through 2029. I will now snort-laugh for the next ten minutes and, afterwards, I will take a long-awaited siesta. Doing a quick google, “Has any team ever said to a player, ‘Nah, homey, you are awful, we’re gonna make you a fielding coach?” Google responds, “Using the colloquial ‘homey’ was made popular in the 1990’s with the In Living Color sketch, Homey Don’t Play That.” Damn, Google AI is so helpful. So, it’s nice that Hayes broke his glove in rubbing a lotion on it that was brewed by a wizard, who concocted a potion of Sprite, a rattail and the hair from Tom Emanski’s head, but Edwin Arroyo should not be in the minors. I know, what about Noelvi Marte? I think he’s been passed over. At 22, Arroyo is tearing up Triple-A with excellent contact (sub-15 K%) and hitting for power (9 HRs) and speed (8 SBs) in only five weeks of baseball (174 ABs). He was a shortstop, but he’s recently been moved to third base to get reps. It’s not long before he’s called up to replace Ke’Bryan Hayes, who has a great future as a fielding coach. Too bad that wizard couldn’t make him a great hitter, but they couldn’t get a chicken bone for a different potion from Wade Boggs. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Keibert Ruiz – He has a 48/11/.248 career line. Looks like a bad Aaron Judge season. Only Ruiz has done it in 1945 plate appearances.
Gavin Sheets – “Hello Sharks! Today, I bring you Holy Sheets, the revolutionary new company that cuts eye-holes out of sheets for every Halloween when you want to dress as a ghost or if you just want to scare someone out of house so you can squat.”
Josh Bell – Holy Sheets is also what I said when I saw how many 1st basemen did well on the 7-day Player Rater last week.
Paul Goldschmidt – There’s R% numbers on all of our tools, that’s how much a guy is rostered, and I saw Au Shizz was at 2% rostered and I gots me some sads. I did some blues in my feels. He got old and is no longer rostered anywhere. Welp, aging happens to us all, except me thanks to a portrait I have in my attic. Thank you, Dorian Grey!
Kyle Manzardo – ‘Member the Ed Lover and Dr. Dre (no, the other one) starring movie, Who’s the Man? with an all-star cast of rappers and comedians? No, you don’t because you haven’t obsessed about nonsense for the last 30 years. Snooty but fair! Well, who’s the Manz? Guy with a lot of power left in the tank.
Brayan Rocchio – Now in 2nd place for the under 75% rostered and most valuable on the Player Rater. Can’t catch the Win Vulture, Ashby.
Ezequiel Duran – True story that is incredibly boring (you’ve been warned), for the last few years I’ve always drafted Ezequiel Duran in draft and hold leagues because he has a lot of eligibility, which comes in handy when you’re hit by injuries, but this year I didn’t because he was so bad last year. Told you, very interesting!
Taylor Walls – You want schmotatoes? Then you can’t fight hot bats, no matter how awful they may actually be in the big picture.
J.P. Crawford – Kinda wonder what happens with Jaxxon Pridge Crawford when Brendon Donovan returns, but cross that that Pridge when we come to it.
Colt Emerson – Just gave you my Colt Emerson fantasy. It was written while going number one.
Miguel Andujar – To think, Yankees could’ve traded Miguel Andujar for Shohei, according to @SteinbrennerGotUsWhenNoOneUsDoes on X.
Nolan Arenado – First, Goldschmidt, and now Arenado. Who’s next, Kris Bryant? Anthony Rendon? Redfin broker of the month, Alex Kirilloff?!
A.J. Ewing – Giving you Ewing and here’s Henry Bolte too, but both are over 90% rostered, so technically not eligible for this post, but I make the rules and break them so natch!
Nick Morabito – Here’s what I said earlier this week, “Called up by the Mets to replace Austin Slater. Morabito has big speed and seems like he can’t hit his way out of a paper bag, so I guess NL-Only for a chance he gets opps to steal. Looks like a defense replacement and pinch-runner, and maybe the occasional start vs. lefties. I love this aggressiveness from the Mets, but I also don’t get why they signed all those vet scrubs, scrubs who can’t get no love, to begin with.” And that’s me quoting me vaguely paraphrasing TLC!
Cedric Mullins – He’s been hot (as most in this post), but I also like to look at each player’s season-long stats, so I open Mullins’s player page and ha, woof, that is bad. He’s become a neutral .180 hitter.
Harrison Bader – He’s not hitting much better than Mullins, but Bader’s closer to a neutral .240 hitter.
Tristan Peters – He’s got a brother who’s a real cracker. His name is Triscuit.
Ryan Vilade – It’s funny to look at players’ stats and how many different ways a guy can be valuable. Cedric Mullins? Power/speed/zero average. Vilade? Zero power, zero speed, average.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – Going off what I was saying for Vilade, Lou-Gu-Ju is a little bit of everything, and should likely just be rostered vs. “being a hot bat.”
Jake Bauers – Even more so than Lou-Gu-Ju in regards to should likely just be rostered. Bauers is a good game away from being a top 10 1st baseman!
Mike Yastrzemski – Do you know how baseball-brained you have to be to spell Yastrzemski correct without using any outside resources? I still occasionally spell brain as brian, but Yastrzemski? No problem! I have literal baseball seams on my Brian!
Zac Gallen – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Boston Robotics.
J.T. Ginn – This is also a Streamonator call. “I was just wondering if you have any single robots.”
Fernando Cruz – I accidentally spelled his name Cernando Fruz and I snorted. It’s the small pleasures. Like not having Shit-the-Bednar to avoid his Shit-the-Bednar’ings. Ya know what I don’t understand, why did everyone think Bednar would go from Pittsburgh, where he was a mess, to the Yankees and just become great? Could be Camilo Doval too, I suppose, if Bednar gets a “break,” but if you forgot how Bednar was on the Pirates, let me remind you how similarly terrible Doval was on the Giants.
Grant Taylor – This week we have a very special SAGNOF part of the program where I give you middle relievers who should be the closers, and maybe are! Speaking of which: Bryan Hudson.
Trevor Megill – JKJ opened my eyes in his Bullpen Report for how good Megill’s been since he was replaced, and Uribe, well, I knew he hasn’t been good. Change starts with you and me so let’s change the Brewers’ closer! [intern whispers in ear] Hmm, hearing that a change of closers doesn’t start with me or you.
Bryan Abreu – Has finally settled from his early season struggles, and has been getting saves. Hey, also, by the by, what happened to Hader? Dude’s been rehabbing for three months?
Keaton Winn – No idea what’s going on with Vitello and his sun-fried brain for his bullpen tactics of “just using guys,” but maybe Winn will be the next guy they try.
Cole Winn – If you put Cole Winn on the ballot in West Virginia, he’d get 50% of the vote without campaigning. Skip Schumaker has tried everyone in Texas as the closer, who can’t strikeout anyone. Maybe now he tries someone who can. Do it for Cole Winn, do it for West Virginia, do it for the future of energy.
SELL
Munetaka Murakami – I still love Murakami. Please, don’t yell at me. I am not saying Murakami is tradeable for his draft day price. No, you got a deal on his draft day price. If you cannot get a much better price in a trade now, then you should not trade him. I am merely saying 3rd basemen are an eye dropper’s worth of BBQ sauce into a glass of water, then spread onto chicken. They are weak sauce. Arenado is a top 10 3rd baseman and he’s available in so many leagues he’s in this column! So, you trade Murakami for a great starter and pick up Arenado. It’s a fall-off from Murakami to Arenado but Arenado plus Starter? Depends on the starter. Why even trade Murakami though? Well, in the last ten years (excluding 2020), there’s been one hitter with Murakami’s K% and hit higher than .247 (Javier Baez in 2021). Murakami hits .150 vs. breaking pitches. It took me seven seconds to come up with an attack plan. When do MLB pitchers stop throwing him fastballs? When that happens, I fear Murakami might be crashing back to earth. I wouldn’t trade Murakami for a bottle of Ben Gay with extra Ben, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
