Marcell Ozuna was traded to the Cards, because the Marlins only had him under control until the end of 2019, and the Marlins are playing for 2022.  Then, in 2023, the Marlins will be playing for 2042.  Seriously, what the eff are the Marlins doing?  I understand trying to get younger, but they’re trading guys who are young.  It’s not like they’re moving Martin Prado.  Maybe having a guy who discarded women when they reached the age of 22 isn’t the best idea to run a club.  Jeter continues to view 27-year-olds as ancient.  Hey, Jeter, you’re not unloading Minka Kelly here, you’re unloading Jessica Biel.  With the extra Wild Card, I’ll never understand slashing an entire team.  Before the selling spree, the Marlins were literally two players away from a Wild Card berth.  Now, they’re five years away.  Madness, man, madness.  Any hoo!  Marcell Ozuna averaged 413 feet on his home runs last year, because OZUNA strong.  If you overlay his home runs last year with his new park, he keeps his 37 homers and gains an extra one.  It’s more or less a push in the Busch.  OZUNA love Busch, it is OZUNA favorite type of hedge, much better hedge than saying someone will be president next year without saying a name.  For 2018, I’ll give Ozuna the projections of 101/35/106/.278/1 in 607 ABs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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First off, what a boring-ass team to sign Shohei Otani.  At best, the Angels are the Mets of SoCal.  Pissed off Mets fan, “I’m supposably assuming youse are talking like the Yanks are the best team of New York?”  Well, I wasn’t saying it was the Nets, Jets, Giants or Bills.   The Yankees just traded for Giancarlo, the Mets are looking at re-signing Neil Walker.  Point, set, match.  (Here’s my Giancarlo Stanton 2018 fantasy after his trade; it’s super erotic.)  The Angels are so pathetic they decided to change their name to the Los Angeles Angels.  I’m sorry, but that’s just sad.  That’s like marrying a woman who has a kid, who is a Jr., and you decide to take his father’s first name, so you can be his new Sr.  Angels, you are not L.A.’s senior!  Have you heard anyone in Anaheim complaining about the fires of Los Angeles?  No?  That’s because they’re 40 minutes away without traffic, and there’s always traffic!  Okay, blood’s boiling in my ulcer, I need to calm down.  Let’s do the jump, and get back at it about Shohei Otani.  Anyway, here’s what I think of Shohei Otani for 2018 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
   

When I heard about the trade of Giancarlo Stanton to the Yankees, I went to Best Buy to secure an overhead projector so I could overlay my Powerpoint presentations of Marlins Park aka Hard Rock Stadium aka The Stadium That A Psychedelic Unicorn Vomited Up with his new park to see how many home runs Giancarlo was going to gain or lose from the stadium change.  However, when I arrived at Best Buy, I was told they didn’t have any overhead projectors, all they had were sales people in blue polos who didn’t know the difference between one computer from another except for the price.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
   

Legit, nothing happened for about five weeks since the end of the season.  Literally.  I went into such a vegetative state, a farmer, in overalls, walked by me, poked my eye and said, “This spud won’t be ready for a few more weeks.”  Then I thought about how much a farmer is like a pimp.  You don’t see them much, except when with their hoes.  They work rain and shine and they hate the movie, Food, Inc.  Okay, maybe they’re not that similar.  Then I went back into my vegetative state.  During the offseason, I’m like a landlocked Delaware.  Any hoo!  We have some offseason moves to speak on — Choir at black church, “Speak!”  Dee Gordon was traded to the Mariners because Jerry Dipoto got a call from his mother that went like this, “How many titles did Theo Epstein have by the time he was your age?”  Jerry Dipoto put down the phone, turned to a mirror and yelled, “You’re better than this!”  The Mariners have tried this whole center field SAGNOF gambit before:  Jarrod Dyson, Chone Figgins.  All a play to get back to the days of wine and roses and Ichiros?  Maybe.  Trading for a guy turning 30 in April who relies on his legs seems to be a meh move — mehve? — but we’re here for the fantasy.  Last year, Gordon stole a league-high 60 bags, though Hamilton had an award-winning musical.  Gordon’s line drive rate was up year over year, but he did have a PEDs suspension, so not much to learn there.  His batted ball profile is eerily similar for the last few years, and I see no reason why anything would change in 2018.  He’s going to be playing center field now, which should make for some interesting relay throws involving the entire outfield, but that won’t affect Gordon’s hitting.  For 2018, I’l give him the projections 108/2/36/.292/54 in 633 ABs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2018 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
   

Yesterday….yesterday….yesterday….
All my fantasy baseball championship titles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though one is here to stay *sung in a very fast voice* oh, crap, nope, because I didn’t draft Daniel Murphy because he didn’t believe in the lifestyle of a gay,
Oh, why didn’t I believe in Murphy like he didn’t believe in a…gay…gay…gay.
Suddenly!  David Price’s arm is not half of what it used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, it’s Giancarlo’s groin that I made of plaster of Paris to admire and it just exploded in paste on me…Suddenly!
Why the season had to go, I don’t know, it wouldn’t say… because it can’t talk, it’s a baseball season that ended yesterday…yesterday…yesterday!
Fantasy Baseball was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a mother’s basement to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday…day…day.

*sniffles*  Here, take a tissue.  You have to excuse me, I don’t have any clean ones.  What will we do for the next few months without an update on a Mets’ pitcher elbow?  Will Rougned Odor reveal he was accidentally batting while crossing his eyes and that’s why he barely hit .200?  What will we do without a James Paxton injury update?  WHAT?  WILL?  WE?  DO?  Prepare for next season, of course.  But, first, let’s bask in the last day of the season.  Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
   

Oh, I get it, it was a C lineup for a team whose B lineup ain’t an A lineup.  Understood, my dude, don’t be rude.  *smacks face*  No more rhyming and I mean it!  Anyone want a peanut?  But yesterday showed the flashes of greatness from Carlos Carrasco — 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 3.29, and notched 200 IP for the first time in his career — that he is constantly hinting at, and I don’t want to end a sentence with at — dah!  If only he’d stop with the hinting.  Paint the corners — great!  Paint a picture of an ace — super!  But we’re not playing Pictionary here, stop with the hints!  He’s 30 years old already.  At what point is it no longer what he can do and rather this is who he is?  No question mark actually.  This is it methinks, I said dressed like a leprechaun.  Some amazing starts, some lackluster starts, some random DL stint, some of the parts is greater than whole.  Yes, I know I spelled sum wrong, don’t make me go back there!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
   

I had a thought, 30 years ago there was one source for all information, the encyclopedia.  If they wanted to make up information, there was no internet to double check anything.  *blows dust off an old book, opens Encyclopedia Britannica, turns to Korean War page*  “In 1950-something, Carlos Correa tried to unite the Correan peninsula under Communist rool.”  Now there might be too much information, but 30 years ago, you’d shrug and be like, “I guess you spell rule ‘rool,’ and rad on Correa.  Hey, look, it says here Columbus invented the mammogram.”  Any hoo!  Yesterday, Correa went 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer.  He’s going to be a tough guy to peg for 2018 fantasy.  His power this year is actually solid when you consider he missed six weeks.  The lack of steals is disturbing though, if a lack of a fantasy category can be disturbing.  I know he’s fast, he knows he’s fast, but the Astros just refuse to let him run.  Three attempts all year is pathetic.  If he’s a lock for 29 HR, 2 SBs and .290 next year, it’s great, but it’s not 2nd round great.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
   

*fumbles with an envelope, Hillary Swank stands next to me, watching on, embarrassed for me*  And the Teoscar goes to…Teoscar Hernandez!  Hillary Swank leans into the microphone, “Well, he was the only one nominated.”  Ugh, totally unnecessary Swank!  I should’ve pointed out how she was checking out Hugh Jackman’s wife the entire time on stage.  I picked up Teoscar before yesterday’s game for the runs because he was leading off, I never expected such a windfall of gorge.  He went 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homer in only his 73rd at-bat.  That’s 20 hits total for him, with seven going gonzo.  This is better than Million Dollar Baby!  Yeah, I hope Hillary Swank’s Google alerts are going bizzonkers today.  Not ready to announce my love for Teoscar for next year, I am more of an IFP Spirit Awards guy, but you have to grab Teoscar for these final days.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
   

I am a winner who’s probably gonna win again.  Giancarlo, forgive me!  Giancarlo, forgive me!  So many swings I don’t understand.  Sometimes I need to stream Tommy Milone.  Mitch don’t kill my vibe!  Mitch don’t kill my vibe!  I can feel your energy while Judge hits homers two planets away.  I got my drink, I got my music.  I would share it, but today I’m yelling.  Mitch don’t kill my vibe!  Mitch don’t kill my vibe! (repeat 2x)  Yesterday, Mitch Haniger (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 15th and 16th homers, and now has 4 homers in the last nine games.  He even has a steal, and his run game got the whole world talkin’.  King Kunta.  Oops, wrong Kendrick Lamar song.  If you need help this final week, grab this *itch.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
   

Let’s see, all rise for the Judge.  Can I get a witness for Judge?  Judge, jury and executioner of fastballs.  This is one Judge who should never see the bench.  There’s a ten from the East German for Judge!  Well, you can be the Judge of that, not really tho.  You can Judge a book by how hard he knocks the cover off the ball.  And, of course, five minutes to Judge Mollywhopper.  All right, all right, enough.  Yesterday, Aaron Judge went 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with his 47th and 48th homer, as he hits .281.  I don’t want to have to bring out the caps, but he’s a ROOKIE.  *inserts meme of white guy blinking*  He has the rookie record for walks, within one of the rookie record for home runs and the first player with 200 Ks and a .262+ average in baseball history.  I looked through the last 120 years of baseball for a comparable year, and I found Mike Schmidt’s best year and a not-yet-white Sammy Sosa.  So, a Phillie hero and vitiligo.  In the 2nd half, Judge ‘only’ has 18 homers, and increased his K-rate to 32.9% from 29.8, only hitting .213.  In 2018, there’s going to be huge risk and reward when drafting Judge.  I’d be shocked if he falls further than the top 15 overall, so you’re gonna have to gamble that he won’t hit 40 HRs with a .240, and be essentially Khris Davis.  Either way, it’s gonna be tough to Judge.  Ugh.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
   
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