Domingo Santana (1-for-5 with a grand slam) is already in beast mode. That beast is a dingo, emphasis on ding, as in dinger, and you can’t spell Domingo without dong, but this dingo eats dongs not babies, and I’ve got smoke coming out my ears….We have real baseball! Then, tomorrow we won’t have real baseball again for a week. MLB is so crackers it’s staying at the Ritz by the water, Cheez-it, Mary and Joseph! “Happy Opening Day two days later,” said the Time Zone to the Baseball Fan. I can’t wait to see how Mike Fiers (3 IP, 5 ER) and Marco Gonzales (6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks) react to pitching in a game, then taking a 56-hour plane flight home to pitch again in a week. Their combined 89 MPH fastballs are gonna have some jet lag. Hopefully, their elbows won’t. The Stream-o-Nator wasn’t thrilled with either pitcher, and neither was great. Yes, the Stream-o-Nator is back! The only real takeaway I have from these games is the A’s are at least thinking similarly to me, and that Ramon Laureano (0-for-5, 3 Ks) is the best man for the A’s leadoff job. I’ll toast to that! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
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A Loch Ness Monster waits nervously in a doctor’s office. He turns to his left to a unicorn. “What brought you in here?” “I was having a weird pang behind my horn for a few weeks while in Candyland, and I went for an MRI when they found a growth.” The unicorn chokes back its fears, finishing, “I’m having a biopsy. You?” The Loch Ness Monster hands the unicorn a tissue, then, through tears, “I’ve been pooping this tar-like substance, and they’re not sure…what…it…is.” As the the two of them sob uncontrollably, they look across the receptionist area to Vladimir Guerrero Jr. The unicorn fights through tears and asks, “Why are you at the National Institute of Made-Up Injuries and Diseases?” “The Jays said I had an oblique injury to delay my free agency.” So, Vlad Guerrero Jr. has an oblique injury, which, honestly, is likely a real injury, but doesn’t sound serious. Maybe it is just an aching venient injury. Who knows. I’ve been saying for a while that I’m not drafting Vlad, due to his ADP, and wrote a Vladimir Guerrero Jr. schmohawk, so this doesn’t affect me a ton. Nor his MLB ETA. He wasn’t starting the year with the Jays either way. I haven’t changed his projections or ranking in my top 20 3rd basemen, though there have been a bunch of changes in my rankings, so let’s get to it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Moment of silence for the White Sox. Their gambit failed and now they’re stuck with every top free agent’s in-laws. Their clubhouse chemistry is gonna be like Meet the Fockers but more Dominican. Meet the Focktinez! “That’s my cat, Señor Mal Suerte. He uses el bano all by lonesome.” That’s Yonder Alonso. Bryce Harper’s dad eyes Señor Mal Suerte, then replies to Yonder, “You can milk anything with nipples. Even Yolmer Sanchez.” Any hoo! Bryce Harper finally signed with the Phillies. Halleberrylujah! It’s not even Easter and baseball season has already risen! Bryce Harper returns to the City of Brotherly Love, where he first visited with the Phillies’ front office six months ago. “We want you to be a Philadelphia Phillie.” “I want $330 million.” “Okay.” Then six months later, “You’ve got a deal!” Harper and Boras drive one hard bargain. They accept the first deal they’re given, but nearly a half year after they’re given it. Bryce Harper’s gonna love playing in Philly. They have the best fans in the world. They’ve already announced May 1st is Rain Batteries On Bryce’s Head Day. A crowd favorite, for sure. I don’t think this changes anything about my preseason projections for him, tee bee aitch. I always assumed he’d end up in Philly, New York or with the White Sox, because, brucely, those were the only three teams ever serious about him. Maybe the Giants, but let’s just be glad that didn’t happen. In my top 20 for 2019 fantasy baseball, I kept his projections. Only difference now will be if Gabe Kapler and Bryce’s dad get into an arm wrestling fight, and Daddy Harper wins and Bryce is randomly benched for Scott Kingery. Also, I updated the top 80 outfielders and top 100 outfielders for Roman Quinn and Nick Williams, respectively, and my War Room has been updated. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
What an absolute trip this offseason has been, huh? Emphasis on ‘has been,’ and hyphenated. And trip as in “catch one’s foot on something and stumble or fall or other Macy Gray lyrics.” And ‘trip’ might actually be a misspelling of ‘drip.’ To recap, what an absolute drip this offseason has-been, huh? Players have already reported and Manny Machado is only now signing and Bryce Harper still hasn’t, said the man who likes to point out the obvious. Obvious Man continued, “I need oxygen to breathe.” Shut up, Obvious Man! Yesterday, the Padres signed Manny Machado to a 10-year, $300 million contract. We should’ve seen this coming all along. After all, San Diego is the world’s most languid city. Also, remember all those people saying Machado would sign with the White Sox, due to Yonder Alonso signing there and being his brother-in-law? I mean, a guy doesn’t want to be with his in-laws? No kidding!
Now Machado will be in the cozy position of hitting between Ian Kinsler and Eric Hosmer. Does he just prefer to hit in garbage lineups? Was Balty-more (how I say it) not bad enough for him? What an absolute shizzshow this 1st round has become. In the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball, I’ve moved Machado down to another tier as the 2nd tier in the top 10 becomes increasingly barren. “Acuña or Trea Turner or die,” as my bumper sticker I’m manufacturing says. Petco isn’t the ‘terrible’ park everyone has made it out to be in past years, i.e. Petco isn’t for the birds and is not a dog of a park or–Fill in your own damn animal pun! It’s still makes me shudder hard at thinking of hitting in front of Hosmer, but, as previously mentioned on the aforementioned tip, hitting in the Orioles’ lineup wasn’t amazing either and Machado did fine for many years. I did lower his projections in the top 10, and I’m now way more tentative on him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw for fantasy baseball this offseason:
PSYCH! Before getting into the post, we have an announcement:
Razzball Introduces An Ad-Free Option
I know, I know, I know, but you love seeing ads for “Kate Hudson Beauty Secrets” that then lead you to a free Amazon gift card which is actually an Eastern European man living in Nigeria who managed to clone your DNA from your IP address and just slept with your wife using the Amazon Gift Card Clone, who goes by the name, Tommy. I love those ads too! They are terrific! However, and this is going to come as a shock to some of you, there’s people who don’t appreciate the IP clone illegal download software ads that sleep with your wife. I know, shocker! For those people, Razzball is introducing an ad-free option. As Rudy tells me, direct people to the Tools Subscription page and they can figure it out from there. I have my doubts, but what better way to prove me wrong? The ad-free subscription runs for 250 days — a Jewish calendar year! — and is only for one sport. There is now a Log In in the top menu for people too, so if you’re a subscriber, there’s no more need to email Rudy or I asking, “Hey, I bought the subscriptions and I can’t figure out where to log in? Is it at the log in page?” Wait until we introduce the “Grey comes to your house and just operates your computer for you” option. Anyway, here’s the roundup:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I was waiting for Manny Machado or Bryce Harper to sign before dropping the last bit of offseason signings before the rankings that start on Monday, but apparently the Phillies only have $300 million for each, and they want $325-plus respectively, so we need to go forward with the news without Machado and Bryce. The last bit of big news was Yusei Kikuchi signing with the Mariners. He reminds me of every other Japanese pitcher, but not in a raycess way. He reminds me of Miles Mikolas too, who was only Asian after being reborn. It’s something about Asian pitchers, and non-Asian pitchers who go to Asia and return; they exercise some serious control. Maybe it’s the culture. I had a robot watch Gung Ho 15,000 times to tell me what it thinks and now the robot is speaking super-racist. Yo, robot, why are you so culturally inappropriate? “I have no culture of my own, so I adopt yours. And I kill puppies.” AHHH!!! ROBOT MURDERER!!! RUN!!! Or roll your swivel chair towards a door if running is too much for you. Kikuchi, which is going to be fun for me to say this year, comes with a lot less fanfare than Ohtani, but I do think he can be better than him, pitching-wise, in his first full season. Ohtani is a unicorn in Babe Ruth’s body, we all know this. Kikuchi reminds me of Mikolas and Ryu and others in that mold. He’s a decent strikeout guy, but won’t blow people away, while also having impeccable command. I’m definitely looking to draft him this year, then passing him up every other year when he fails to throw 130 IP in consecutive seasons because the Japanese also completely overwork their starters. In fact (Grey’s got more!), the Mariners have already said Kikuchi will only throw an inning or so every fifth or sixth start to try to preemptively avoid the inevitable arm injury that befalls every Japanese starter. For 2019, I’ll give Kikuchi projections of 9-7/3.67/1.18/136 in 151 IP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The trade of Yasiel Puig, Matt Kemp, Alex Wood to the Reds means one thing, the Dodgers are signing Manny Machado or Bryce Harper. I’m kidding, in the non-funny way. Maybe it means that, but I kinda hope it doesn’t, so Muncy, Pederson and others have room to play. Not sure why the Dodgers rehired Dave Roberts, but I’m impressed the Dodgers realized that Dave Roberts had zero capacity for managing a team. “What’s he doing?” “I don’t know.” That’s two Dodgers execs watching Dave Roberts juggle three VHS copies of the movie Platoon. “I don’t think he understands what we meant when we asked him to juggle platoons.” “Yeah.” “So, we should trade Puig?” “Maybe trade like five guys.” “Okay.” So, Puig goes back to the Reds, but they’re no longer an island nation in the Caribbean. Now, they’re in Ohio. In five years, people will be like, “I forgot Puig played for the Reds for three months.” Yes, I think he’ll likely be traded in July. Either way, he will get everyday at-bats and should get a nice boost in fantasy value. The Reds were surprising solid last year on offense, and I see no reason why that would end. For 2019, I’ll give Yasiel Puig projections 73/27/83/.273/11 in 502 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Winter Meetings called it quits this week, and that was perhaps the worst Winter Meetings on record. Was it because it was in Vegas? Maybe there were a bunch more trades, but they all “stayed” in Vegas. The Mariners kept busy gathering veterans who will never play for them, as they grabbed Edwin Encarnacion from the Indians for Carlos Santana. You remember Santana, he was the last vet that the M’s traded for that won’t play for them. If the Mariners are trading for vets who won’t actually play for them, they should grab Harold Baines so he can’t go into the Hall of Fame, because last time I checked active players aren’t allowed into the Hall. Or why bother sticking with baseball players. C’mon, Mariners, trade for Michael Jordan or Big Show or Turtle from Entourage. It’s not like you have any expectation of them donning an M’s uniform. So, the assumption is that Edwin will go to the Rays to bury their recently acquired Yandy Diaz. You’d think a guy with guns like Yandy Diaz would be doing the burying. If you don’t know what I mean, see the picture below. If I don’t bring out the Crisco and apply the shortening, this post will be longer than The Fountainhead, so let’s just say you know Encarnacion, whether he’s on the Rays or Mariners. For my Encarnacion projections I am assuming he’ll be on the Rays, and putting him at 78/33/91/.241/2 in 523 ABs, and I already gave you my Carlos Santana projections after his last trade, but am upping him slightly to 74/24/84/.232/2 in 563 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Cardinals acquired Paul Goldschmidt for Luke Weaver, Carson Kelly and Andrew Young. Or as they’re known in St. Louis, “Giggle, giggle, WUT.” I’ll go over the “Giggle, giggle WUT” part of the trade after the lede jump. As for Goldschmidt, Au Shizz was “aw shizz” until the beginning of June last year, as he hit .144 in May. However, Au Shizz’s BABIP in May was .186, and his strikeouts boomed to 31.5%, because he was in an extended slump. He still ended the season more valuable (33/7/.290) than, say, Freddie Freeman who played 162 games (23/10/.309). Au Shizz still feels pretty risk-free, like you getting to the airport four hours before your flight. At least less risky than your November charity pledge to go “condom free” or dressing as Jar Jar Binks for a Star Wars convention. For 2019, I’m giving Au Shizz the projections of 102/30/105/.284/8 in 574 ABs. He also scrambles up the Cards’ infield a bit. Carpenter picks up his tools and screws Gyorko out of a 3rd base job, and Jedd’s on the wrong side of the Wong 2nd base platoon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
How Mets are the Mets Mets’ing when they hire Robinson Cano‘s old agent to be their GM, then immediately go out and trade for an aging slugger, coming off his worst season, who is owed $100 million (minus $20 mil M’s are taking) over the next five years and is 36 years old? Is that just so Mets or what? This feels like collusion to me. I’m not reporting them to Robert Manfred or Robert Mueller, because I used to be a CAA client, Brodie’s old agency, and just maybe the Mets will hire me now. C’mon, Bruhdee, I can catch. I mean, I think I can, how hard is it? Any hoo! The real piece is obviously Edwin Diaz, but I will get to him after the lede jump. Last year in a suspension-shortened season, Cano hit ten homers and .303. Too bad about that suspension since it tarnishes his legacy, which was previously “Guy who never hustles.” You got the title back, Machado! Until Cano doesn’t hit .280 and 20+ homers over the course of a full season, I will think he can. We haven’t reached that point in his life cycle yet. Of course, it could begin this year. We shall see! Or not. Your choice. I don’t have a ton of love for Cano in fantasy, because 20+ homers and counting stats can be had for cheaper. For 2019, I’ll give Robinson Cano projections of 84/24/92/.286/1 in 588 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Have you heard? The Mariners are rebuilding. Cool, but haven’t they been rebuilding for the last fifteen years? Also, is it the wisest decision to tell other teams you’re throwing in the towel in November? Is that like when you’re a girl and you make a vision board that says you’re going to get a boyfriend and you do? Or is it more like a guy who throws a PBR into a fountain and makes a wish to get laid? A girl can find a boyfriend if she’s available. A guy needs more than optimism, otherwise he’s going home with his hand. Guess what I’m saying is the Mariners are a bunch of jerkoffs. With that said, they traded James Paxton to the Yankees for Justus Sheffield and some other prospects. I will get to the prospects on the other side of the ‘Anyway,’ for now it’s Paxton, who I do love, but how surprising is it that he’s 30 years old already? Surprising, right? Last year was the first time he threw more than 160 innings in a year. Walter Johnson, you are not. You’re not even Josh Johnson. His numbers, as always, were spectacular — 11.7 K/9 (4th in majors), 2.4 BB/9, 3.02 xFIP (4th). By the by, in his best career year for innings, he didn’t even qualify for those stats in the leaderboard. I had to sort down to 160 IP. Meh, 150 insanely good innings is better than 200 innings from an Orioles starter. Speedball guys don’t age great, but his velocity was still 95 MPH on average last year, which has been his norm, and he had the third best cutter in the majors (8.2), and the top 5 don’t have anywhere near his fastball. Corey Kluber, for unstints, had 16 wins above average on his cutter, and had a -7 fastball. Paxton had a 11.6 on his fastball. We’re talking elite stuff, obviously. The move to Yankee Stadium and AL East will deflate him a bit, but he can pitch anywhere. For 2019, I’ll give James Paxton the projections of 14-7/3.64/1.12/206 in 179 IP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?