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O. Henry typing up a player on his fantasy baseball website, “A player who has massive amounts of upside. Just absolutely loving this guy. He can be a cheap number one starter. I’d give my wife’s comb for this guy, and let her be all straggly and shizz. The only thing possibly going against this great, wonderful player is a small thing that likely won’t react negatively to his value and make this whole thing ironic. That thing is the player plays for the New York Mets.”

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“Whoa, how about that Blake Snell deal? What about that Cody Bellinger deal? Can you believe that Matt Chapman deal? This is crazy! Deals be dealin’!” That’s what I would be saying if there were any deals being dealin’. Sadly, the entire sport is being held captive by Scott Boras and “(fill-in team name) is currently not looking at signing any free agents.” The Yankees are one big arm away from having a great team, and instead are like, “Hey, when Rodon can only throw 45 innings, it’s no biggie. We have Luke Weaver.” So, instead of a big signing, we have injury news. Kyle Bradish has a tear in his UCL

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Corbin Burnes was traded to the Orioles, and, only a few days earlier, Peter Angelos sold the Orioles, saying to the new owners, “Treat this team with the respect she deserves. Every part of her. Down to the staples on this contract. By the way, if you don’t need the staples, I usually take them out and save them so I can use them again down the road. Crazy the amount of people that discard perfectly good staples. I have one staple I used on a court document — someone was suing me for back pay — and I used that one staple, like, sixteen more times.”

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The Dodgers have spent more than $1.1 billion this winter with the signings of Yoshinobu Yamamoto, Shohei Ohtani and Tyler Glasnow. Eight teams haven’t spent a million. Is this [watches a butterfly flap out of one’s hand] competitive balance? So, the Mets’ owner Steve Cohen flew to Japan, took him out to dinner and Yamamoto went home with the Dodgers. [searching PornHub for cuckold, seeing a video of Steve Cohen paying the check for Yamamoto’s dinner] Damn, that’s brutal. Yamamoto was also rumored to possibly be on the Giants’ radar, but Yoshinobu saw a news report of a smash and grab at a vape shop in The Castro, and decided against San Francisco. Ouch. As I believe I said before, how about rather than the Dodgers buying free agents, they just get all the free agents and tell us which ones they don’t want. Might be easier that way. 

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This year MLB is taking a different approach. Rather than having different teams, it’s the Dodgers and everyone else. That group of misfits over there sharing a glove? That’s the non-Dodgers. Over here, the boat with everyone else you might remember from All-Star Games and similar fanfare? That’s the Dodgers. Yeah, the boat that says […]

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Winter Meetings? More like Snoozy Meetings! We need more action, which is why I bring you my proposal: Trades are now made with a pitch clock! “Hey, welcome to the Nashville Ramada, the Padres will be discussing Juan Soto trades in the Beige conference room that smells like sausage and onions from last night’s wedding that took place there. Padres will be fielding offers for thirty seconds from each team. Pirates, I see you getting ready to offer one of your two catcher prospects. Don’t do it. No one wants a catcher. Okay, good luck and may the best team named the New York Yankees win!” That’s Rob Manfred adding excitement into the Winter Meetings.

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Emerging from your mother’s basement after six months, “I did it! I won my fantasy baseball league!” It begins to dawn on you that the world no longer looks as you remember it. Where there were once blossoming trees, there’s now decaying branches. Where flowers once sprouted, shriveled vines remained. A tumbleweed blows past. Minutes later, back in your mother’s basement, you’ve painted a face on the tumbleweed and you say to it, “Can you believe I won my league by two points?” After a brief pause, you say, “Do you think I should keep Christian Encarnacion-Strand in an 11-team keeper league with no restrictions? Mr. Tumbleweed, I’m asking you a question.” On a serious note, as many of you know, I started Razzball during the WGA strike of 2007-08, because I was laid off from a job and didn’t have shizz to do. (Since it is invariably asked, I was working with a Zucker brother of Airplane/Naked Gun fame.) This summer with the WGA strike happening again, I was reminded how lucky I am to have this gig, talking about fantasy baseball and just generally goofing off with all of you. Thank you for another great year! (Crazy that those trees were decaying and I still got some freakin’ sap!) Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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Nice to see a team (the Jays) that has to play well actually play well. Feels like a rare thing this final week. It’s been like teams have been taking must-win as a challenge and saying, “Prove it!” Or like a spiteful child saying, “I don’t want to must win, you must win!” Chris Bassitt (7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.60) went out and must-won’d his behind off, and, from what I know of Bassitts and their rear porches, there were some dramatically wide swings and they smelled some other dog’s butts. Maybe that analogy got away from me, but you can’t spell analogy without anal. Hey now! Just opened Chris Bassitt’s player stat page, and you’re never gonna believe this, but what he’s done for the last six years? He’s doing it again! Wild, right? Chris Bassitt has made a career out of being criminally underrated. Look at his stats: 8.4 K/9, 2.7 BB/9, 3.60 ERA, and guess where he ranks for starters on the year on the Player Rater. That’s top 20 starter numbers. He will barely be a top 40 starter in drafts again in 2024. Underrated, always. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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It had been too long since we had a Mets appearance in the lede area. The last time I believe was Brett Baty, who then went oh-for-three months and was sent down. Before that it was Max Scherzer, who was having a HOF career to that point…or maybe it was Justin Verlander, who was also a first ballot guy…or was it Pete Alonso, who has the 2nd lowest BABIP of the last 20 years (.204. There have been 4,105 hitter seasons since 2000 of 450 PAs. Pete Alonso’s BABIP is only better than Aaron Hill’s .196 in 2010). No, no, no there’s no curse. It’s not the Curse of Bill Buckner’s Eternal Soul. This is all random chance. Congrats to Francisco Lindor (4-for-7, 6 RBIs and his 28th, 29th and 30th homer) on a great doubleheader. Here’s to many successful years trying to do anything worthwhile in a Mets uniform. I’m sure it will come very easy. I kid, of course. The Mets feel like the NL East’s answer to the Padres. How many games should they have won vs. how many did they? Maybe an extra 25 games? There’s a parallel universe where the Padres and Mets are meeting in the NLCS. In that parallel universe, ARod is your father. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Elly De La Cruz (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer) hit one of his homers so far in Cleveland, over the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, past the Drew Carey statue, that it went back to Cincy. That home run ball went 467 feet and 119.2 MPH. You don’t have to know about exit velocity to know that 119.2 MPH is not a real number. You hit that sorta number when you’re in the Grand Prix in some far-flung city in the South of France. “Excuse moi, I am Elly De La Cruz’s batted-ball and I wish to know where the Autobahn is because of how fast I travel.” It’s ridiculous. That people are talking about Elly De La Cruz already as a bust is so absurd. Elly De La Bust This! You write off E! for 2024 fantasy at your own risk. Also, in this game (and it was a lot): Candace Bergen’s husband, Luke Maile (3-for-4, 3 RBIs) had the most random slam (6) and legs (2) of the season; TJ Freidl (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 18th, and is one of the hottest bats in the majors, while stacking up to be great 2024 fantasy value; Christian Encarnacion-Strand (1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 12th. More like Christian Encarnacion-Strong! Then on the other side, Bo Naylor (1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 10th. He’s been way more productive in his call-up than either of the “hot” Pirates catcher bats (Endy and Henry — Hendry); Kole Calhoun (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 6th for gingers everywhere; and Andres Gimenez (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 15th for people who still confuse him with Amed Rosario. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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