Yesterday, a Yankees’ beat writer reported that Aaron Judge was referred to Dallas to see a doctor who specializes in thoracic outlet syndrome (TOS). Ya know, the injury that ends careers. This began a series of events that went like this: This is DefCon 1, do you hear me! DefCon1! Cut the red wire! Or cut the green wire! Or cut both wires! I don’t know wires! [staggering around, grabs first can I see, chugs it, realizes it was paint] I welcome the light at the end of the tunnel! But it turned out, Aaron Judge had merely a stress fracture on his rib and would be out for six weeks. Wait, how did this turn into good news? Did that Yankees’ beat writer put out that story about TOS just to scare everyone so massively that when we heard Judge would only be out for six weeks, it was delivered with a 6′ 7″-sized grain of salt and we decided not to tip over cars? Would the cars tipping have to wait until the Knicks won the Championship? Hmm, indeed. So, this opens playing time for Jose Caballero and Anthony Volpe to play at the same time, and Jasson Dominguez once he returns. As for Judge, it sounds like around August for him. Hopefully, or we riot in four to six weeks. A delayed riot. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Going back to March and drafting Cole, Rodon, and Wheeler, and listening to everyone in my league mocking me with, “Do I know I only have two IL slots?”
Slade Cecconi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.92. [starts Slade at home in a juicy matchup] Damn, that sucked. [sits Slade in Yankee Stadium] Sonavabench! Okay, Imma about to become Robert De Niro in Goodfellas asking Karen if she wants some furs down an alleyway but asking Cecconi, Caglianone, and Pasquantino.
Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. Not sure how many people know this, but his father was a Mets fan, so his first name is actually after Shea Stadium. Too bad he’s a Mets fan (full stop), and not also a Razzball fan. We could’ve had Metco Langeliers. Guess it’s better than Citifield Langeliers.
J.T. Ginn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.74. Very bleh standard number five to six starter under the surface. There’s no hidden glory here waiting for me to yell, “Ginn!” i.e., Streamonator.
Jonah Heim – 1-for-4 hit his 3rd homer, because he hits ’em with the Heim!
Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-4 hit his 8th homer. I see a huge rest of the season for him. It’s crystal clear. Though, that could be because I’m viewing my computer screen through a bottle of Crystal Pepsi.
Shota Imanaga – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.74. Gonna start calling him Shota Imma-induce-an-ucler. Wouldn’t be obvious from looking at his walk rate, but Shota’s not commanding his pitches. He’s not missing outside the zone, he’s missing in it. Like he’s the newly appointed Mayor in Meatball City. I wouldn’t drop him, but I also wouldn’t be starting Shota anywhere.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (13) and legs (9), and 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer in a week, as he hits leadoff, which is such an odd choice. He has nearly the worst OBP in the entire lineup. Though, it’s not a profound difference between him and others, and he does have speed. What I’m saying is all the Cubs kinda suck right now, so it’s fine.
Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Happ happens!
Jared Jones – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.82. I wonder if his mom is Jenny Jones. Or if his sister is Jessica Jones. Or if he goes by Mr. Jones when listening to Mr. Jones by the Counting Crows. I have deep thoughts, guys and five girl readers. I gave you a huge Jared Jones breakdown when he was activated. I won’t rehash. It’s in my Jared Jones fantasy. (Scroll down, it starts with Acuña.)
Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Making me long for the days Vlad Jr. is hitting as well as O’Hearn and getting choked up.
Kai-Wei Teng – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, 3.06. Life is a Kai-Wai! I wanna ride it all night long–Hmm, that sounds wrong. Well, it’s too bad the only other option for songs with highway in the title were by Shaboozey, and I ain’t drunk. Any hoo! Teng’s incredibly iffy, due to very wonky command. Tell me, how long you gonna stay here, Joe…
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in a week. He only had three homers in all of May. Maybe he finally figured out if he pulls the ball, as he always does, it’s good in Houston. One of those guys who is capable of being the best player in baseball for a month or two. Yes, I’m a fan.
Justin Wrobleski – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Have you heard that he keeps a checklist of every game with his own breakdown? Like, “Did I keep hitters off balance?” “Did I get ahead?” I like that all pitchers are a little certifiable.
Max Muncy – Him and Ildemaro Vargas collided at the 1st base bag, and it looked like Vargas got the worst of it. Thankfully, most doctors don’t just watch replays and make diagnoses, so we await word.
Ketel Marte – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer. Incredibly, all 11 of his homers have been walk-offs. Or maybe it’s only felt that way.
Ryne Nelson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.60. He had a 2.95 ERA in May. Nice! And 28 Ks in 39 2/3 IP and that was a step backwards in me getting excited about him. He also had 39 baserunners, so that’s good. His underlying numbers are kinda mediocre, but Streamonator says he gets the Marlins next, and I see no reason why not.
Brandon Pfaadt – Optioned to the minors to be stretched out to be a starter. That feels so novel. Stretched out to be a starter? What is this, 2003? Is he going to return and throw a full five innings in one start? Just let him follow a reliever coming out of the pen in the 2nd inning, you jackholes!
Brayan Bello – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.34, and optioned to the minors. Maybe the Red Sox will work on shortening him into a reliever.
Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .295. Made a bet on Grey’s Predictive Market about which Contreras brother was higher on the Player Rater, and I was wrong, picking this one. I had to move $5 from my right pocket to my left.
Trevor Rogers – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.29. So, a part of me thinks that a guy like Rogers was messed up, mechanics-wise, and now that he’s thrown well, he’s fixed and safe to grab. The other part of me just doesn’t want to risk it. What part of me is the moron? A question as old as time. I guess the smartest play is to grab him, if he was dropped, and bench him for his next start to see if he’s really fixed, because we saw how good he can be last year if he’s corrected.
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Thought he was going to be Comeback Player of the Year, which he’s not winning unless it’s just him vs. Nick Castellanos.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.31. His BABIP is .197; his LOB% is 86.7; his HR/9 is 1.07. An emoji grimacing then starts nervously scratching and looking at the Trade Analyzer about selling.
Lucas Giolito – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.86. About two weeks ago, I picked up Giolito in one league, and so far I have yet to start him. Streamonator has him facing the Reds next, and sounds like he’ll be on the bench for one more at least.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I usually keep his blurbs brief because what’s to say, he’s a 10+ year vet who does the same year after year. This year? I can’t believe he’s hitting .174 through two months. His OBP is .262. Is this real life? I feel like the little kid who goes to the dentist and gets his first nitrous. What on earth is happening here? Am I still on earth? Is this hell? I have questions, y’all! Here’s 2025 vs. 2026:
Why did Manny Machado agree to that body switch movie with Nolan Arenado?
Jackson Merrill – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .207. Speaking of Padres who have absolutely collapsed under the weight of beautiful weather and easy access to Tijuana, I wish I never met the Padres this year. Merrill’s May? 2 HRs, 5 SBs. His April was 2 HRs, 5 SBs, so at least he’s consistent.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer. Buxton is nearly a top five outfielder, and almost as valuable as Judge right now. Last year, Buxton was the 7th best outfielder. When you get him next year, drafting him in the top 30, he will get hurt on April 12th, but stay day-to-day for five months, hitting .220 with three homers all year. Sorry, this Magic Eight Ball is really good, and specific.
Kody Clemens – 2-for-4 and his 7th and 8th homer, three homers in the last week. What’s Mike’s son, Boof Piazza, doing? Nothing! Clemens won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here now. So, be wise, be prudent, be hot schmotato.
Michael Massey – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, 3rd homer this week. Will absolutely be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s been schmoldering.
Alex Lange – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.18, and his 2nd save in two games. Zero actual idea what they’re thinking making Lange the closer, but they’ve made Lange the closer, as far as I’m concerned. Grab him!
Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.91. Boy, this guy stinks. I’m usually a fan, but how do I get off this coaster I’m getting seasick?
Jackson Chourio – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. He returned in May with 2 HRs, .266 in 94 ABs. It was a classic slow start. Now, we’re in June (thanks, calendar!) and I’m ready for him to turn it on. Ignite, Ja-Chou! God bless you!
Coleman Crow – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.94. Not sure I agree with what he did, but, when C. Crow knew this start was about to crash and burn, he started singing Tiny Dancer.
David Hamilton – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because Hamilton’s not wasting his shot.
Eric Haase – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in his last five games. In one league I lost Jeffers, I spent a bunch of FAAB to grab Joe Mack and, in another league, I was like, “Whatever, just give me Eric Haase.” Pretty sure I’m doing better in the league where I haase Eric.
Casey Schmitt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. In the most logical area of my brain — let’s call it the cereal-bellum, because that’s where things are cerealiously discussed — and if you offered me Machado for Schmitt, I should say yes to Machado, but it would be very difficult to accept that trade. Bird in the hand and I don’t care what’s in the bush.
Mauricio Dubon – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. So, I guess Mateo isn’t going to be a thing.
Chris Sale – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.23. Lots of dinks, and doinks, and just-under-gloves. Didn’t look anywhere as close to as bad as the line looks. Like a person in a strip club on a Law & Order episode, he got singled to death.
Austin Wynns – Braves acquired him and DFA’d Chadwick Tromp. Hey wait a minute! I’m onto them! From Tromp to Wynns…Next they’re gonna DFA Wynns and sign some guy named like Billy Mirage or Jose Treasureisland.
Love that song. If you’d never seen them, they are one of those bands that, upon hearing them, look exactly as you expect them to lol.