Open Up and Buy AH, because owning Aaron Hicks is Nothin’ But A Good Time!  Also, a good time is searching any girl’s name from Rock of Love with your parental controls turned off.  Okay, I have a few Bee Tee Dubs here.  Unless you have a child, you don’t set parental controls on your TV.  You can filter what you see without magically stumbling on porn.  The internet though?  You need parental controls on it, no matter if you’re home, at work, 12 years old, 64 years old, at school or on the john.  You can Google something as innocuous as “cucumber” with no parental controls and all hell breaks loose in your search results.  “Oh em gee, I just wanted a recipe for a cucumber salad!”  Bee tee dubya II, we’re due for a terrible 80’s hair band renaissance.  Someone needs to do a cover of a Poison song.  Bee tee dubya III, there is no bee tee dubya III.  Bee tee dubya IV, I have this nugget in my brain that says, even though I was only 14 years old, I knew how awful Poison was at the time.  Like, when they did Your Mama Don’t Dance, a big part of me knew they were absolutely terrible, even then.  Any hoo!  Hey, any hoo’s initials are Aaron Hicks.  Coinkydink?  Thinks not.  He’s on a 162-game pace of 25 HRs, 15 SBs and a .280 average.  Of course, that doesn’t matter.  We just want a hot player at this point, and, on our 7-day Player Rater, he’s near top 75, and should be owned everywhere.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hi, do you have a second to talk about Dinelson Lamet? Seven innings pitched and seven strikeouts last night, what da f? He’s gangbusters when he wants to be, then he leaves us hanging with a multi earned run seizure once a month. Not cool man. Anyway, I’m from the church of quality DFS arms. You could throw a dart and pick anyone from tonight’s terrible slate of pitching, but since Lamet confirmed that there are some semi-reliable guys still around, Jacob Faria ($8,100) is your winner today. He threw 8 K’s across 6.1 innings last time he was in Toronto, and against a Blue Jays team that has hit .217 all week, hallelujah, praise Father Faria all night long. Here’s who else I like for this fine Wednesday:

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Please, blog, may I have some more?

Allow me to paint a visual metaphor.  A vetaphor.  The entire league’s pitching is cornered on the grounds of a wildlife preserve.  A tiger, we’ll call him Blister, stalks towards the league’s pitching.  There’s no way out, but the league attempts to urinate on Blister to keep him away.  Then, out of nowhere, Nat Gio, dressed as Lord Beasley, a world famous butterfly collector from Gilligan’s Island, rides his Eddie Bauer jeep into Blister’s den, and befriends the beast, saying, “I slay pussy,” then off everyone’s look, “…cats.”  Yesterday, Gio Gonzalez had yet another great start — 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.49.  I’d love to be a fly on the wall when Gio hears people talking about the new baseball and how offense is up.  Maybe he’s the one pitcher who likes a tightly-sewn baseball.  Up until this year, he must’ve been like, “Geez, is this ball going to unravel when I throw it?”  Of course, his outlook for 2018 fantasy doesn’t look anywhere near as optimistic.  Besides his ERA, there’s nothing promising in his peripherals.  He has left 85.7% of men on base.  That’s more than a wife with a headache.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

First, a story.  There was a young boy named Donkey Dong Jr. who worked at the barrel station of Niagara Falls.  He would rent barrels to tourists who wanted to go over the waterfalls in a barrel that was deemed to flimsy to hold wine in Napa Valley.  Then, one day, Robert Juiced Manfred showed up at his barrel station with a truck filled with baseballs that he was bringing back over the border from Guatemala.  See, he drove north from Guatemala, and Waze had him detour through Canada and back into the U.S.–Nevertheless!  R.J. Manfred stopped for some pop, and Donkey Dong Jr. said, “You’ve come to the right place,” and grabbed a barrel with his hands, swung it as hard as he could and hit every baseball in that truck 5,000 feet right back to Guatemala.  For pop, Donkey Dong Jr. said, “I love to barrel up.”  Fin.  So, Joey Gallo was the lead buy in an April Buy column.  Don’t like to double up on guys in a year, but here we are because you people are slow as molasses dripping down Robert De Niro’s face in Awakenings.  Gallo has 50-homer power, and is currently in some kind of zone not seen since McGwire stopped sticking needles into pre-peach-tinted Sammy Sosa.  How is he not owned in 50% of leagues?  Don’t answer, grab him!   Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

50 days left in the season! (Give or take, depending on when this goes up).  If you’re in an yearly league with no chance of winning….well it’s time for Football! Semi-seriously though, keep trying, setting your line-ups, and don’t just give up…that’s what I want to say, but I can’t lie to you and why would I? You need a consistent narrator, and that’s me to a T (At least that’s what my creative writing teachers always said…unless you’re chuck Palahniuk, in which case don’t believe anything the narrator says and know there’s going to be multiple disgusting parts that will haunt your dreams).

So if you’re not winning, you’re not winning.  I’m not going to fault you for checking your team less and less, or leaving guys on the DL in your lineup, or benching starters; I would like to request, on behalf of the teams still competing, you check in and set a lineup once a week, but no one is forcing you. A good way to avoid this is to join a keeper league, because even if you’re team stinks, there’s always trades and screwing over your friends/internet friends/strangers and now that we live in a time where haters seem to be everywhere, why not?  Me, though? I got nothin’ but love for ya.

The Football Razzball Commenter Leagues are now open to join! Compete against your favorite writers and other readers for free, with a chance for multiple prizes!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Today Dr. Easy and I are taking a deep dive into the Razzball Season-to-Date Player Rater, the good ol’ STD PR. We’re focusing on the dollar-per-game ($/G) category, looking for surprisingly good (or bad!) hitters who might (or not!) offer you value in the short term on days when they’re in the starting lineup. Many of these players are likely to be available off the waiver wire in your roto leagues, or you could look to play them in DFS line-ups. It probably doesn’t need to be said, but Imma say it anyway: obviously, don’t just take these rankings at face value for batty calls and DFS starts; check out match-ups and recent performance.

First, a word on how this works. The $ category is absolutely key as an overall ranking of players, but it tends to overlook players who haven’t played all that much. This could be due to injury or platoon or call-up situations. For example, on the STD PR, Mr. Mike Trout is 43rd out of all hitters when sorted by $, because he has only 275 plate appearances; but when sorted by $/G, he is 1st. He offers the most value per game, overall. Similar deal with Freddie Freeman: 73rd of hitters when ranked by $ (because of his 269 plate appearances this season), but 8th when ranked by $/G. We set the STD PR to show us hitters who have a minimum of 50 plate appearances, then sorted by $/G. Trout and Freeman’s rankings probably won’t raise any eyebrows, so let’s see if we can find some who will titillate your “I didn’t know that!” muscle along with your facial hair (includes beards, peach fuzz and Grey mustache wannabes).

Next, before we proceed, just a quick note: despite the name, “$/G” is not dollars divided by number of games. See the FAQs on the Player Rater page for a full explanation. And lastly, all stats lobbed at you are up to date as of Wednesday. So check for changes early and often.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Here we are halfway through the season – still a small sample size of games in the grand scheme of things, but I’m finally willing to admit that some of this year’s most surprising breakout hitters may continue to help fantasy teams as the season progresses. Just looking at the All Star starting lineups, each team has several pretty huge surprises (unless you correctly predicted back in April that Ryan Zimmerman, Zack Cozart, Justin Smoak, and Corey Dickerson would all be starting). In the outfield, I certainly didn’t see Marcell Ozuna and Aaron Judge getting the starting nod.

With all of these guys, I feel like the tendency from a fantasy perspective would be to sell high while you can, and avoid trading for them at all costs when their value is sky-high (and if you own any of them and you can, say, get a king’s ransom for Aaron Judge in a re-draft league, go for it). But if you find yourself on the other side, getting offered a guy like Ozuna by an owner who you suspect might be desperate to sell him when his value is as high as possible, making a deal to add a perceived over-performer may not be the craziest thing in the world.

Last year, I traded for Daniel Murphy right around this time of year, even though I knew I was getting a player who was most likely at the peak of a career year. But I knew that even if his batting average came down substantially (amazingly, it didn’t) and the power evaporated somewhat (it did, to about the extent I expected), he would still be a huge asset to my team in terms of helping me in a couple categories that would, and did, lead me to gain a few points in the standings. It never feels good to buy high on a player, but I don’t like to discount it as an option if I feel it might ultimately help my team over the long haul – especially in very deep leagues where you know the waiver wire pickings are always going to fall into the slim-to-none category. And speaking of slim pickings on the waiver wire, let’s get to some names who might be relevant in AL and NL-only leagues.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Michael Taylor and Keon Broxton are pizza delivery men.  And–Yes, two of them delivering one pizza.  Okay, and you answer the door naked.”  Jim Bowden squints, considering it.  “Can I be riding a Segway?”  “Sure, sure.”  “And you’re saying it’s not erotic?”  “Not traditionally.”  That was a pitch for a Showtime After Dark movie called The Bowden Fluffers.  Before they’re through, they will also pitch it to Skinemax, Spike and NatGeo TV.  Sadly, no one will bite on the Fluffers, pardon the phrasing.  They will say they want to work with Michael Taylor and Keon Broxton again in the future, and rightfully so.  Brucely, I was shocked they were both under 50% owned in ESPN leagues.  I’d usually go on to say something snide here about ESPN leagues, but I get the feeling that we’re thisclose to every fantasy site closing its doors and opening its own video chatroom.  Who would’ve guessed twenty years in the future all journalism professors would be Max Headroom?  Any hoo!  I’m off-off topic.  Taylor has 11 HRs and nine SBs and hitting around .275, and Broxton has 13 HRs and 14 SBs and hitting around .250.  If these numbers don’t immediately grab you like an angry sock puppet that needs its coffee, then you don’t know fantasy value.  On our Player Rater, Broxton is the 24th best outfielder and Taylor the 46th best, i.e., they should be owned in 100% of leagues.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yankees called up their 3B prospect, Miguel Andujar (3-for-4, 4 RBIs, and a steal), to fill-in for DL’d Matt Holliday.  That reminds me of Joaquin Andujar, and now I’m sad.  Gone too soon.  RIP, Joaquin.  “I always thought you’d kill someone before life killed you.”  That’s my eulogy to him.  Any hoo!  I watched some game film on Andujar (while chewing on an unlit cigar, because that’s how scouts do it, right?), and he reminds me of so many Dominican players that take the Roberto Clemente/Vlad Guerrero approach.  Old adage goes:  You can’t walk your way off the island.  We should have a glossary term for these type of hitters.  Please suggest in the comments.  Any hoo, Part 2:  Still Hoo’ing, Andujar is raw, swings at a lot and makes contact, sometimes to his detriment.  He could DH or see time at 3B, but will need to hit to stick.  Could be a deep league power bat if he hits and Headley is benched indefinitely or Holliday stays out a while.  Maybe Andujar will be so lucky that Girardi gets one more wish filled this year and looks at Andujar, saying, “Now, you be the Judge.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Happy Black Friday!  Oops, sorry, I mean Happy African-American Friday!  As I type this, I’m being trampled at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  “There’s enough Scrub Daddys for everyone!”  The Diamondbacks got a head start on Black Friday sales on Wednesday when they traded Jean Segura, Mitch Haniger and Zac Curtis to the Mariners for Taijuan Walker and Ketel Marte.  What’s that old axiom, if you don’t know who the sucker is at the table, you’re the sucker.  Mariners, you’re the sucker.  If anyone forgot that the Diamondbacks fired Dave Stewart immediately following the end of the season, this was a reminder.  If Stewart were still there, the Diamondbacks would’ve traded Greinke for Todd Walker.  As Dave Stewart would say after reading that, “I’m not mad at ya.”  Don’t love the move to Chase Field for Walker, but the NL West makes that medicine go down a little easier, chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cher-ee!  Walker had a 8 K/9 and 2.5 BB/9 last year in 134 1/3 IP.  That goes up to 8.5 in the NL West and he’s pretending to yawn as he puts his arm around a low to mid-3 ERA.  The only thing that’s stopping you from nodding your head like a plus-size Pez is that Walker hasn’t done it yet.  He’s only 24 years old, not doing it yet isn’t a great excuse for never doing it.  For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 12-11/3.44/1.18/153 in 160 IP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?