Close your extraneous browser windows right now–Not this one! This is not extraneous. How dare you, sir. Okay, now that the other browser windows are closed, open your fantasy team window. The team that’s hurting for offense and wouldn’t mind a top 10 outfielder. Yes, that team. Great, now go to waivers–Are you signed in? God damn it! Sign yourself in! Your password is Belle&Sebastian#1Fan. Okay, now that you’re signed in, go to waivers and grab Jarred Kelenic, he’s being promoted this Thursday. So, what to expect? Everything? Does that work for you? He’s already a 1st ballot “I can’t believe the Mets traded him away” Guy and he hasn’t played one MLB game. He could be 25/10/.290 this year. That obviously might be pie-in-the-sky-hopes, but that’s what we’re looking at in the range of possibilities. That’s otherwise known as “What you would’ve gave Haniger’s left nut to get from George Springer.” Realistically, we might see 17/7/.270. I’ll guess we’ll see, since Kelenic is coming in two days, but who’s counting? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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It’s in the 40’s today in Chicago, which isn’t that surprising unless you’ve run out of conversation topics, at which point you get to put on your Actor’s Studio cap and conjure the last remaining bits of charisma left in your pandemic-addled psyche. Can Polar Vortices be mild? Can I have my climate change like most children enjoy their salsa? Hitters mostly suck in the cold weather, people. They suck. With all of the issues surrounding new balls with those high seams, and the Grim Reaper of baseball injuries touching players more than Oasis sang the word “Maybe,” everyone’s batting average is garbage juice. We’re talking a full .011 under league average. I’ve read some analysis that by the end of the year, we’ll be pretty close to the league average that usually sits around .250. I agree with this assessment.

This means you need to find some players who have depressed batting averages, dig into the numbers, and find guys who have been unlucky, check out their projections across several systems….or you can use Razzball’s Buysellatops tool and have more time to spend with your two large adult sons, perhaps having a catch in the backyard. Maybe you could have your family out on the back patio for a grill, where you hover over your Egg, while your large adult sons stare at their phones, and your partner frowns at the garden, muttering about idle hands.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Everywhere,” Grey said, the same way he starts every conversation with me. He had switched to coconut pearls in place of boba in his daily tea. His brain had become clearer with the addition of the Omega-3, and no longer did he believe Bud Black to be a rational and sensible manager. But his opinions on Midsommar? He’d been tweeting them at all hours of the night.

I entered his office. It was cleaner than usual. The Bartolo Bobblehead sat happily on his desk, sparkling and clean. Grey gestured for me to sit on his therapy couch, and I took a seat.

“Everywhere, we have a new staff member I’d like you to train,” Grey started, pulling a sip of coconut pearls from his morning tea. He rolled them in his mouth for a minute, as if waiting for another arrival. I heard a whirring sound, like a wind tunnel. I wondered if Donkey Teeth had been airing out Razzball Headquarters again after JKJ microwaved fish in the lunch room.

The whirring sound increased, and after a minute of watching Grey swish the coconut pearls in his mouth, a Roomba arrived at the office. On top of it, attached in electrical tape and dried hot glue, was a picture of me.

“Everywhere, meet the Blairbot,” Grey said. “Not only is he great at cleaning, he’ll be taking over the pitching rankings starting next week.” Grey picked up a handful of marbles and tossed them on the floor. The Blairbot raced forward, trying to vacuum the marbles, succeeding on some of them but knocking others around the room. One landed in front of Grey, and he picked it up. Grey chuckled to himself. “Jon Gray. Fitting.” He put the marble in his pocket. “Blairbot, write up Jon Gray!”

The Roomba continued whirring, turning circles while chasing marbles. Soon it became apparent: Grey was calling me “Blairbot.” I stood, prepared to promote a Rockies pitcher. I heard a beeping noise, and the smell of microwaved fish hit my nose. It was going to be a long day.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well folks, we got one of the munniest Mondays so far this season and it looks like only 6 games are scheduled and the pitching looks to be pretty mediocre at best. Last week we had a Matz-o Monday which didn’t work out so well unfortunately but I did tout Maeda to a reader instead of Houser (Never Houser btw) so hopefully, he took the suggestion and played Maeda which turned out good if he did. Hopefully, you have been employing some different tactics this year as I have seen winners and have been doing some myself of some different stacks this year. So far since offense has been a little depressed this year full stacks are becoming dicier to play and you need to be diversifying your lineups a little more and entertaining playing a 3/2/2 stack and getting those key guys in your lineup.

Let’s start off another great week with a pitcher that has had quite the turnaround so far this year Alex Wood ($8,900). Wood has had quite the resurgence this season so far and has pitched really well allowing 2 runs or less in every start so far this season (4 starts). Wood relies on 3 pitches to keep hitters off balance a sinker slider combo and a changeup. The slider is a relatively new pitch for Wood and has been very effective striking out 18 of his 22 batters with his wipeout slider pitch. Wood commands all three pitches very nicely using them all fairly equally. Wood’s chase rate is top tier. Also, his barrel% indicates not a lot of hard hits are being hit off of Wood. In fact, there have been only 2 barreled-up hits out of 58 batted balls. Wood faces the Rangers today who fare much worse against left-handed pitching than right-handed pitching in all the major categories (.298 OBP, .380 SLG, .678 OPS) Look for Wood to go 7 INN 1 ER and have 7 K’s. You will certainly take that on this slate today.

New to FanDuel? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well, be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays. Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Happy Mother’s Day to all the baby’s mamas, mamas, mamas, baby mamas, mamas. Much respect to the mothers. Without my emergence from my mother’s vagina, I wouldn’t be able to bestow on you my fantasy baseball ‘pertness. We are one people and everyone has popped out of a mother’s vagina at one point, unless you’re an alien — I’m looking at you, Andrelton! — and with our emergence from our mother’s vagina — or that Cesarean stuff that I don’t fully understand — I say we should all live together, loving each other, and never speaking of Luis Castillo again, cause he sucks. Yesterday, the Jays called up Nate Pearson (2 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, 5 walks) and he couldn’t find the plate, obviously. There was one inning there where it felt like I aged ten years, and I was still younger than Nelson Cruz. Nate Pearson shouldn’t be judged on one start. His stuff is as electric as any I’ve seen recently. Won’t mean it’s without some ups and downs, but a potential 10+ K/9 plays everywhere. He will need to rein in his control to be effective for the shallowest leagues. Far from an easy matchup against the Astros, though one of the easier outs Kyle Tucker (2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .188) was the bulk of the damage. I hope that Mother Tucker’s happy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Another week, another No-Hitter. Or Two. This time from an unlikely candidate in Wade Miley. Good for him, but what is slightly troublesome here, is the fact that he threw it against the Indians. This gives the Indians the dubious distinction of being one of eighteen teams in history to be No-Hit twice in the same season and there are still nearly five months of baseball left! Third times the charm? Let’s hope not for their sake. John Means threw the other No-No which was a dropped third strike away from a Perfect Game, he has looked phenomenal this year. Something not many Orioles pitchers have been able to say for quite some time.

In other notable news, Sean Manaea flirted with a Perfect Game the same night as Miley which was eventually broken up by the Rays in the eighth inning. Also, Jacob deGrom was scratched in his first start of the week with an inflamed lat muscle, which is something to keep an eye on.

After a little more than a month’s worth of baseball in the books I think one thing is certain. This is going to be the year of the pitcher. There have been four No-Hitters, more strikeouts and offense is down across the entire league. Does some of this have to do with April weather? Sure, but the real “issue” depending on how you look at it is, the MLB’s doctoring of baseballs for the third time in four years. At least this time they admitted they were doing it. We expected offense to be down, but to what degree? Week by week we’re finding out just what degree that is. And for the sake of this weekly post alone, it’s made for some riveting writing I will say that. With that said my weekly No-No pick of the week is…(drum roll please)… Shane Bieber! Revenge time! Now let’s get goin.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Happy Mother’s Day! If you are a mother reading this, I just wanted to wish you a wonderful day and appreciate all you do. I know I wouldn’t who I am without the guidance of my mom. And I know my household would be a disaster without the leadership of my wife and mother of two.

OK, so with the important stuff out of the way, let’s talk some baseball. With the weather heating up, we are finally seeing some players who were ice cold in April starting to find their groove at the plate. That’s right, we are looking at you DJ LeMahieu and Ozzie Albies. Top 5 second basemen entering the season, you left millions of fantasy owners nearly bald as they were pulling out their hair watching you look like Freddie Patak at the plate.

Meanwhile, some players who I was hesitant to rank at the start of the season continue to produce, such as Ryan McMahon and Garrett Hampson of the Rockies. I’m still waiting for the bubble to burst, but that is because years of expectations for these two have always left me shaking my head wondering why I kept having them on my teams. Guess the secret for them to produce was for me to finally dump them from my teams. So all you McMahon and Hampson owners, you’re welcome. I expect you owners to post kind words about me now.

Enough small talk. Let’s get to the rankings and discuss who’s hot and who’s not.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 5 wasn’t as good as Week 4, but I’m far from disappointed. The only real blunder was Jakob Junis, and he didn’t even start! He was strangely removed from the rotation and proceeded to get blown up in a bullpen role. That means you guys probably didn’t stream him anyway, which means we’ll take the win! The rest of the streamers picked up numerous quality starts, and I’m very pleased with how risky many of those picks looked. I feel way more confident about these streamers, though, so let’s go ahead and start riding the wave!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We had our first brutally bad week last Sunday. Basically, everything I told you to do was wrong. I said to roster Mahle and Jaiver over Scherzer. I told you guys to roster the Tigers vs Kluber. Well Mad Max pitched a complete game and struck out pretty much everyone and Kluber pitched 7 crafty innings with a enough K’s to have a big day shutting down Detroit who is the worst offense in baseball (I tell you now right). I could say something about PROCESS over RESULTS which is absolutely true but you have your process (hopefully, wait you guys have a process right?). You come here for some +EV plays boost your lineups and I failed you, badly. Its bound to happen, but not like this.

Seriously, its a good learning experience. Don’t listen to a word I say. Ok, for real, seriously, we are up overall if you’ve used good contest entry strategy and bankroll management. So, lets just pick up the pieces and get ready to get that money today. I wont say “lets go!” because its been so played out by the Topshot bros and many other “bros”. We need something though to get us amped up for this week, lets fu*#ing go baby! Much better.

New to FanDuel? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well, be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays. Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?