Twins’ Bats Have Target Practice On Garrett’s Crotchet

You ever not roster a guy who gets hit super hard and go on a schadenfreude journey around all your fantasy leagues searching for who rosters a certain guy or are you normal? Yesterday, I saw Garrett Crochet went 1 2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 7.58, and I went league hopping. “Ooh, he has Crochet? Oh, that’s too bad,” but when I said it was ‘too bad’ it was like I was eating a hot fudge sundae with extra sprinkles. “Ooh, that team has Crochet? What a shame,” but when I said, ‘What a shame,’ it was like a cigarette after sex. “Let’s see who has him in this league? The guy who already had the league’s worst ERA? Oh, well, they can’t all be celebratory.” So, Crochet was bad bad. It’s hard to get a lede from being bad. Guys have tried before too! German Marquez used to try once a year. There’s good news and bad news. The good news is you don’t roster Crochet because I told you not to draft him. The bad news is he does seem off, and not just unlucky. I’m not saying he’s a 7.58 ERA pitcher, obviously, but he looks a lot closer to a top 25 starter vs. a top three starter. That’s a step down. Though, assuming he’s healthy, and I would, and just think it’s more mechanics that can be fixed, then this is a solid buy low. Just give his owners a day before offering something, because the people that have him are currently out of the office, due to weeping.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jarren Duran – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer hitting .196. Wanna do a Buy low? Of course you do! Who doesn’t? Here’s a big hint: You should do it before a guy gets hot. Duran’s one example, and here’s another:

Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .200. Two weeks does not make a season. If you have people in your league who think it does, you should exploit their worst tendencies. With that said, Buxton wouldn’t be my first choice for a Buy Low, because his value is almost entirely contingent on him staying on the field. People talking in the comments about dropping Michael Busch like he didn’t just have a 34-homer season? That’s a Buy Low. People saying stuff about Vinnie Pasquantino like he’s cooked (al dente, of course) after two weeks. It just kinda makes zero sense. If you were to look at the top hitters for two random weeks in August, it would look weird, as well. Some of y’all don’t seem to remember Ty Wigginton.

Ryan Jeffers – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .317. Ya know what’s kinda funny? I was looking to stream hitters yesterday and I was like the opposite of a guy in college, saying I absolutely wanted no part in the Twins. Any hoo! Also, in this game, Victor Caratini (1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, 1st homer) was shaken and not stirred one bit facing Crochet, and Ryan Kriedler (1-for-4) hit his 1st. Kriedler, Kriedler, Kriedler, I can’t believe you play.

Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.49. Twins jumped out to a huge lead and Ober cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.

Tatsuya Imai – Hit the IL with a dead arm. Lol:

They have two guys left

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— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) April 13, 2026 at 10:24 AM

J.P. France – Called up by the Astros, and he better wrap himself in three hundred pool noodles.

Mike Burrows – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.55. Speaking of pool noodles, things are going swimmingly in Houston.

Jeremy Pena – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Astros’ womb is polluted like Michelle Pfeiffer’s in Scarface. I guess the Astros will go with Correa at short on most days and that gives Isaac Paredes (2-for-4) everyday ABs.

Josh Naylor – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. “Not sure where the doorstop is, to be honest, but you can just push that body against the door–Hold up! He moved! Josh Naylor is alive!”

George Kirby – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Don’t Kirby your enthusiasm; he’s this good.

Agustin Ramirez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. You mean he’s not a total bust because he wasn’t good for a random 16 games in March/April? Weird.

Connor Norby – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in four games, and I’m really trying to stretch to see a schmotato here, and it’s likely not, but maybe.

Eury Perez – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.40 vs. Grant Holmes – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.32. Elias Sports Bureau said, “The last time two starters both went 4 IP, 3 ER was likely sometime this year maybe, but someone left an orange Shasta on our mainframe computer, and it’s borked.” ERAs be damned, but Eury’s underlying numbers look better than Holmes.

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .173. Just had a weird thought, it’s gonna be fun to remember Swanson ten years after he retires as one of those, “Oh, yeah, remember that guy?” type things. With some time to reflect, we’ll appreciate how silly the name Dansby is.

Javier Assad – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 8.10. Assad committing war crimes to fantasy teams.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Wait, two Schwarbombs off Assad? We need The Hague to figure this one out.

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Did you bet him for NL Cy? I didn’t but I would’ve. Doesn’t that count for something?

CJ Kayfus – Optioned to the minors. DeLauter walked, so Kayfus ran out of town.

Angel Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, and now hitting 2nd. Lordy, I’m super intrigued for Angel, but, if nothing else, he’s a hot schmotato.

Brayan Rocchio – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. On the podcast this week, I forgot Arias was the injured one and said Rocchio, and, honestly, there’s nothing more that needs to be said about Rocchio.

Jordan Walker – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer. More like Walk-On-Water Walker. Thank you for lifting balls and the hearts of millions.

Justin Wrobleski – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.12. Wrobleski’s peripherals are egregiouski. They’re heinouski. They’re deplorableski. They’re not good, guys and five lady readers. Wouldn’t even look at the Streamonator for him.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Ya know how they say All Rise for Judge? It’s super corny. Anyway, Luis Arraez should have people do the same and pretend like he doesn’t know Judge’s celebration.

Jose Caballero – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (6). Sorry, I do this stuff enough to know we got the bouncy balls on Saturday, and, before that, it was a dead ball. Also, in related news, Volpe is roughly three weeks away.

Trent Grisham – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer, as he pinch-hit, because Paul Goldschmidt (1-for-2, 1 run, hitting .250) was hitting leadoff, and then he was pinch-hit for by Ryan McMahon (0-for-2, hitting .108) and I truly believe the Yankees win in spite of Aaron Boone.

Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .224. Since my Sell, he was hitting .136 with zero homers. But, well, now he has two. Don’t mind me, just trying to be a bummer, carry on.

Jordan Romano – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.40. But there’s no one else there to replace him, so the Cheese stays in the picture.

Jake Burger – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. He said, “Tonight, the Burger eats!”

Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Hopefully, you trusted him in Bing Bong. I likely wouldn’t have in most shallower mixed leagues.

Lawrence Butler – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .180, as he hits leadoff and I think he’s hitting leadoff simply because Kotsay realized it was crackers to have Kurtz hit leadoff.

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – Traded to the Orioles for cash. Hope they got a dollar per letter, depending on how much the equipment manager charges. CES should take the job that Mountcastle, who hit the 60-day IL, had, which is to play once every fourth game for 5-7 innings.

Dean Kremer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, as he was called up. Ooh, who is this young prospect? Says here he could be a number five starter, innings eater-type…Hmm, says that in his prospect report from 2018.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Albombso!

Jeremiah Jackson – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Ketel Marte – 2-for-5 and his 3rd and 4th homer. Good for him, but I think it’s more appropriate to ask everyone who didn’t homer off Dean Kremer why.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. I’m just going to write “Arenado is so washed, it’s going to take a pitcher even more washed to give up homers to him” on a post-it by this open window–Nooooo!!! Torenado!

Ryne Nelson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Looked at the Streamonator for his next start, and it’s a little unclear, because Kelly just returned, but Ryne might get the Jays (lowercase yay) or the Shite Sox (yay).

Spencer Horwitz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Of course, Horwitz is heating up, taxes are due tomorrow. (Are they? I don’t know, I registered as a foreign national in the 2000’s.)

Brandon Lowe – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer in two games. You were living right if you had a Pirates hitter facing a “just throw some crap to get us out of this game” Nationals pitcher.

Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.00. His only mistake was the homer to Corange Juice. Hope it was worth the squeeze.

CJ Abrams – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer. I forget where I said it now, but I will repeat it here: Abrams should’ve been a top 20 player drafted and he’s always a 20/30 player. Only problem has been his average and that can easily be .270+ this year.

Jacob Young – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .289, as he hit fifth. Ever wanna call him Jacoby Oung? Just me? Okay.

Cade Cavalli – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.60. Boy, this guy stinks. Sorry, no *pinkie to mouth* Shade Cavalli.

Lenyn Sosa – Traded the Jays. That means the Jays be Putin Vladimir/Lenyn in their lineup. When you promote Eloy and trade for Sosa, the White Sox to World Series pipeline is alive and well-Actually, if you’re acquiring these guys, it means the Jays are trying to make the WS to WS pipeline an infinity loop. When Eloy Jimenez heard this update, he strained his ear. “Huh? Seriously, are you saying something?” That’s Eloy. With Sam Antonacci being called up, Sosa became expendable. ACKSUALLY, Sosa became expendable with Murakami, then again with Acuña, then again with Austin Hays. For whatever reason, the Shite Sox wanted no part of Sosa. Jays should have more playing time for Sosa, at least initially. Like this move for him for AL-Only and 15-team mixed leagues, depending on how playing time shakes out.

Noelvi Marte – Optioned to the minors. In March, Noelvi’s French Bulldog got into his Doritos. When he realized it, it was too late to take him for a walk. He rushed to the window and held the Frenchie’s business side out the two-story window. As the dog squirted, Noelvi turned away as his teammates laughed. Moments after the dog relieved itself, Terry Francona stormed into the clubhouse, covered in one-time snack chips. Screaming, he demanded to know who did this to him. The entire clubhouse remained quiet for Noelvi, then Rece Hinds slowly raised his finger and pointed at him. Or something equally crazy happened that we don’t know about, because for whatever reason, Noelvi was on Francona’s shit list.