“Alexa, for Amazon Prime Day can you order me Clorox? Thank you, Alexa. Now can you order me clips to hold my mouth and eyes open? Thanks, Alexa! Now can you order me a large man to pour the bleach into my mouth and eyes while shoving me into my oven? Oh, and Alexa, if you can get German Marquez to do it, that would be so appropriate!” German yesterday? Guten tagged! Here’s a visual metaphor for you: A German U-boat filled with men, one toilet and only Taco Bell to eat for a blitzkrieg of runs. Marquez is driving me insane but he is not an Uber ally, because he is dead to me. Goodbye, Nazi In Exile, enjoy your long walks along the Chilean coast and your alpaca farm where you shave little German helmets on your animals. After 2 2/3 IP, 11 ER, ERA up to 5.12, I will never draft you again or any Rockies pitcher. I should’ve learned my lesson from Jon Gray last year! (Though, he’s been okay this year — shut up, Contrary Grey!) In my deeper leagues, where I have no choice, I’ll still be sadly starting Marquez in away games. *sees his next start is in Yankee Stadium* Lowercase yay! He might be Deutschland but I’m Dunceland for owning him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Nathan Eovaldi to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
The Jurickson store called and they’re out of you so please report back to your nearest Jurickson store, because the A’s called up Franklin Barreto, who was named PCL Player of the Month. I just want to see Barreto on top of a Caprese salad, and then I’m going to dream I’m in Tuscany with Diane Lane and will hang a Do Not Disturb sign from my door for three whole minutes. “Diane, did you enjoy that as much as I did?” “I’ve never been satisfied. Can I call you Hugh Jack-in-the-Box?” “I’d be honored.” Then we return from Tuscany and get bogged down in bills…stress…PTA meetings, but we’d always have three minutes in Tuscany to remember fondly. In June, Franklin Burrata collected nine homers, three lasagnas and 13 doubles, and he hit .387 with 32 RBIs. His overall minors numbers were 65/12/48/.296/13 in 277 ABs. He’s now on his 3rd call-up to the majors, and each time his Ks have skyrocketed like the fireworks that Diane saw in her eyes after our three minutes. Franklin Barreto will be the A’s regular second baseman moving forward, and Bob Melvin is excited to see what he can do. I’m with Bob! Which is what I say in every south Florida massage parlor, after explaining I want Lui-Sue to pretend she’s Diane Lane. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s America’s birthday! That means baseball, fireworks, and processed meat products. It’s been a rocky week for many closers. The Star Spangled Banner plays in my head as I recap the bombs these folks gave up.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Absolutely brutal news about Tyler Skaggs. Makes you remember how silly this fantasy baseball thing is in the grand scheme of things. Counterpoint: everything is serious — politics, work, sickness, and, yes, death — so maybe the silliness of fantasy baseball is the point. Perhaps Skaggs’s passing can bring some perspective. Remember, it’s not the end of the world if you drafted Giancarlo and you trail in all power categories. It’s enjoying the ride, because it’s often much quicker than anyone expects. Now, I’m just going to leave some white space as a moment of silence.
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Good lord — Curt Schilling and his bloody sock are looking up from hell at the starting pitching landscape and just cackling. There are so many injured SPs this week that I’m going to just give you three solid recommended adds at the bottom of this article. Otherwise, I’d end up recommending Jordan Zimmermann and Homer Bailey. Who would ever add them to their team in a two week period? Me. I did that.
Wait — is Curt Schilling dead?
*wavy lines indicating a dream sequence* It’s the winter of 2019. And I’m wearing pants. Okay, that’s not realistic, but it’s a dream sequence, so I’m going to go with it! Crap, I have to do my rankings. Quick, rank Gregory Polanco in the top 40 outfielders overall, because you like how he hit more fly balls last year than previous years and think 23 homers is repeatable with maybe more. Also, he’s got some 10-15 steal-speed! But, since this is a very realistic dream other than the whole pants thing, someone, who you can’t remember now, told you Polanco won’t be back until June. Better check the news reports, even though that’s rather boring for a dream sequence. Yup, Polanco’s not due back until June. Frantically, by any man’s measure but calmly by yours, move Polanco all the way down so you’ll never draft him. Now fall into a kiddie pool so you wake to think you had a wet dream. *wavy lines* Whoa, that dream was crazy in its mundaneness! So, here we are on April 23rd and Grey doesn’t freakin’ own Polanco because reports in March were saying he wouldn’t be back until a much later date. *bites stress doll’s head off* I’m good. Thanks. Yes, I would own Polanco in every league; he can be a top 40 outfielder. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 2 runs, which was better than Jesus Aguilar’s entire season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If you said you loved Kevin Kline in the role of Cole Tucker, you wouldn’t be wrong. What can’t Kevin Kline do? Yo, Kevin Kline, wanna be my father? “Sir, this is a Cheesecake Factory and that’s James, our short-order cook, not Kevin Kline.” I’m crazy for rookie bats. As crazy as I am for rookie bats, I’m tepid on rookie arms. I don’t dislike them, but roofies are real and dangerous. Rookie bats, however…*places nose right above a stick of butter, inhales deeply* So, the Pirates called up Cole Tucker. He’s the sexiest Pittsburgh shortstop since….uh Jack Wilson wasn’t very sexy…uh…Jordy Mercer God no…Erik Gonzalez bleh…Arky Vaughan! Arky took no crap, quitting for three years at one point because he got sore at Leo Durocher for talking to the press about a teammate. And Arky still made the Hall of Fame! Of course, he had to wait 33 years after his death. Any hoo! Besides Cole Tucker sounding like he wears Vineyard Vines, what do we know about Tucker? He has 30-steal speed. Love that. Where else are we finding that? That alone is reason to grab him in every league. Yes, every league. Next up, he made swing adjustments and is more a 17-homer hitter than the under-5 homer guy he showed before this year. In 18 spring at-bats, he hit two homers. In 57 Triple-A at-bats, he hit three homers. In his first career at-bat with the Pirates, he homered. For power, I’m going to start saying Triple-A is samesies with the majors. We’ll see if my new approach pans out! So, 17/30/.250 while also taking a walk? I told you every league. The Ghost of Arky Vaughan can eat a D! (If the site suddenly goes down for three years, we know why.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Arodys Vizcaino is out for the year. Backdate that to spring training when he was having arm issues. He needed to have his labrum fixed worse than an overworked gymnast. Filling in for him is the dumpster fire that is A.J. Minter. I’ve got a wild idea, hey, Braves, how about you sign Craig Kimbrel with the money you robbed from Albies? Here’s Albies agent before the signing, “Albies, sure you want to take this deal?” Albies replied, “Why are you asking, Al B. Sure?” Then they stared at each other for five minutes until Albies had enough and signed. The Braves’ bullpen is such a disarray of WUT, I don’t even know who their setup man is. I guess it’s the guy working the docks in The Wire, but it could be the guy whose name was Riddle, but, due to poor penmanship, became Biddle. A millennial just broke down my door and said, “It’s penpersonship.” My bad! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey Albright threw two innings on opening day. Sweat, and other mysterious bodily fluids, dripped from Grey’s brow; he was gassed. Albright didn’t wait for Rudy to call to the pen, Grey signaled himself for the lefty, Donkey Teeth, to enter the fold. Fantasy Master Lothario is still knocking some of the spring rust off, just like Chis Sale, so you’re stuck with Donkey Teeth telling you tales of Paul Goldschmidt’s monster 4-for-5 night with 3 homers & 5 RBIs in only the second game of his Cardinals career. Truth be told, Dan Pants will be back to take over this column next Friday, since Friday is slinging night for Grey, Cougs, and Donkey Teeth. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
This draft is a crock pot vs. a microwave. A love sesh vs. a ‘hold the moan.’ A nature hike vs. “I’m gonna sit in the car as we drive past some mountains.” Guys and five girl readers, it’s a slow draft. This slow draft took about eighteen days, 3 hours, four minutes and–okay, only a lunatic counts seconds. Not almost 18 days of straight drafting, mind you. I don’t need to ice my clicky finger. It’s five minutes of drafting, twelve hours of waiting. It does allow you to second-guess your picks. Actually, more like triple-guess. (Who are we kidding, you quadruple-guess, fiveruple-guess, sextruple-guess, ochocinco-guess your picks.) For those not in the know, it’s a weekly, 15-team, two-catcher league that lasts for 50 rounds and there’s no waivers. Anyway, here’s my NFBC draft recap:Please, blog, may I have some more?