Cortes Conquers A’s/Tex

No disrespect to the “explorers” of my youth, who we now teach were brutal conquerors at best and genocidal maniacs at worst, but hey, they got a strait named after them, and we can use their “discoveries” for fun nicknames for sports ballers. The A’s Carlos Cortes, who I’m now calling El Conquistador hit two home runs Friday night enroute to a big A’s win. Cortes, somewhat of a journeyman at 28-years young, hit his first bomb as part of a three homer barrage in the first, where Nick Kurtz hit his fifth, and Tyler Soderstrom hit his third. Cortes’ second was a moonshot in the fifth, and the A’s never looked back! Just the A’s smacking five homers in one of the league’s best pitchers’ parks, no big deal. Consider you conquered Texas. Real life fact from me, I did a report on Hernan Cortes in fourth grade and how he “founded” Mexico by “liberating” the Aztecs, and I drew a picture of him slaughtering natives on the cover of the report that my teacher thought was so good she hung it up. School sure has changed! Back to El Conquistador Carlos, who’s now slashing .339/.403/.625, with four home runs and 11 RBI. The 1.028 OPS also makes me want to conquer myself! Carlos was a BUY, and Grey said, “He had years of 15/.241 in Triple-A as a 26-year-old, and that’s awful. Makes me think once the word is out in the majors on how to get him out, he will be outed.” Not exactly glowing, but that’s what Brent Rooker was basically. Did I mention Mr. Manager continues hitting him in the heart of the lineup, so the trust is there, whether it’s warranted or not. So he could just be a hot little tamale in Tejas right now, but I’d say he’s worth the speculative add in case he’s “unlocked” something real. If you buy today, millions of slain Aztecs could thank you months from now for discovering him.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 6 ER, BB, 3 K, 4 HR. The long ball has always been his kryptonite, but he’s been uncharacteristically bad so far with a 5.79 ERA and nine homers allowed.  Maybe it’s bad luck. Perhaps EVO just needs a little extra virgin. Or maybe a little less virgin? He gets the Yankees next week, which is sort of a revenge game, and he will probably bounce back albeit safely on your bench.

Luis Severino – 6.2 IP, 6 hits, ER, BB, 5 K, 1st win. Allowed just three extra base hits, and this is the same team that kind of crushed him two weeks ago. Stadiums matter y’all! Tejas was also missing Langford, and soon to be missing, probably Seager and Carter. What? I’m just a realist. I keep it real.

Michael Lorenzen – 7.0 IP, 7 hits, ER, 3 K, 2nd win. He pitched 4.2 heroic innings to lead Italy to upset the USA super team in the 2026 World Baseball Classic is what he did. He’s a brave Italian starting pitcher! And in this house, Michael Lorenzen is a hero! End of story!

Freddy Peralta – 5.2 IP, 7 hits, 2 ER, 3 BB, 8 K, 3rd loss. You know your team is in a bad way when they’re blowing good starts like this from your Ace against some of the worst comps in the league. This is how bad teams be bad. They find ways to lose. I know because I have a fantasy team doing the same thing right now. In bad teams’ defense, though. Freddy can’t make it through six innings to save his life.

Antonio Senzatela – 1.2 IP, 1.2 K, SV (2). I don’t know for sure if he played for team Italia in the WBC, but based on that name alone, he probably could have.

Brett Baty – 2-for-4, run, 2 RBI. This was a Baty call. Like the call you make to schedule your first couples counseling session. Do you think I should invite Dianna? No, Mike. With Lindor headed to IL, Baty should play every day on this sad, sad team.

Drew Rasmussen – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, BB, 6 K, 2nd win. Dwew’s had one bad start in Pittsburgh, but maybe the ‘Burgh is that good this year? I think they were in first at the end of April last year? Or was that the year before? I’m saying it’s a long season. You hear me, Mets? No team has ever lost 12 in a row and made the postseason. The Pirates were in first last April. Things happen!

Bryan Baker – 1.0 IP, SV (5). Shoutout to Trevor Martin for giving up the home run to make this save chance possible. People seem reluctant to just own Baker. Is it the two blown saves in a week? Is it Mr. Manager Cash’s inability to set a clear-cut guy? Is it Edwin Uceta’s impending return? He needs to be owned, Baker is cookin’.

Taj Bradley – 6.1 IP, 7 hits, 6 ER, 3 BB, 3 K, 4 HR. First start allowing more than two runs and the first homers he’s allowed all year. They were shots too. Junior must know him well cause he owned him Friday. Regression fairies think you have too much screen time. You try to explain to them the difference between good screen and bad screen, big screen and little screen, but no luck. They downloaded an app to monitor your screen time and had Anthropic put together a whole slideshow presentation. You can watch it on this screen, and this screen, and get updates on your smart watch. Regression fairies think you need a screen break, and they will destroy your ratios.

Junior Caminero – 2-for-3, 2 HR (8), 3 RBI, and Jonathan Aranda was 2-for-4, 2 HR (6). Twin dongers from the Rays’ Jays. Had a brief moment of panic, that pang of drafting regret a few weeks ago when Junior had just one dong. I remembered they’re not playing home games in that wittle baby bawlpawk anymore, they’re back at the Trop, and thought, oh, no, I made a huge mistake. But then I saw him do this, and I felt better. That had to be 460 feet. That’s now four home runs in the past week for Junior, and six during his nine game hitting streak. I guess power like this plays anywhere. Also, those Devil Rays throwback unis are absolute fire.

Brooks Lee – 3-for-4, HR (4). You know you’re old when you’re talking about Devil Rays throwbacks. Brooks has four homers slashing .296/.356/.556 in the past two weeks. Are the Twinks still good? I haven’t been paying attention.

Gavin Williams – 6.0 IP, 7 hits, 6 ER, 2 BB, 4 K, 4th win. Charmed season for Gav, methinks, didn’t pitch particularly well and still got the win. I mean the velo was there, but the location wasn’t. Didn’t really matter as the Guards put up seven runs in three innings and G-Dubs got an all expenses paid trip to the Ivictory coast. If he can get the walks and homers under control, those are a lot of ifs and buts for April, he could be a real contender for some awards.

Daniel Schneemann – 2-for-4, HR (3), RBI. The Schnee! He was a BUY! So, upon further research, I realize they call him the Snowman because it’s the literal translation for Schneemann in Deutsch. He’s hitting .441 in the past two weeks with four bombs and 10 RBIs, and he’s a hot little potato right now, but hopefully not too hot! He keeps this up, he could make me melt. *cat purr*

Angel Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 HR (5), 4 RBI, slashing .284/.329/.541. He looked like he was in some danger of losing playing time, but this should buy him a couple more days. Last time I told you how the film Angels in the Outfield features three now Oscar winners, but did you also know most of the film was filmed at Oakland Coliseum and not Angel Stadium? Also, they used film making techniques to make the stadium more crowded than it actually was, which they still do at Angels game even today!

Max Scherzer – 2.1 IP, 6 hits, 7 ER, 3 BB, 0 K, 3 HR. He’s just one strikeout away from 3500 and couldn’t get there. That’s a big oof. If I’m ever an aging hall of famer (there’s still time!), please don’t let me go out like this. I mean, his wife and kids must be unbearable, I guess, but just go into broadcasting? Or actually radio. Max got a face for radio. It’s in the eyes, really. As for Max and his 9.64 ERA, still one K from history and he gets Boston next week and if there was ever a bounce back start…

Kazuma Okamoto – 2-for-4, HR (4) and Jesus Sanchez 1-for-3, HR (3). I think they’re doing 2-for-1 bodies down at the mad science facility. You need to cut their limbs off first, they’re not going to take them as-is, but at $25 for the pair, it’s worth the work an–wait, Kazuma and Sanchez moved! They’re alive!

Brayan Bello – 3.1 IP, 13 hits, 8 ER, BB BB, 2 K, 5 HR, 3rd loss. This seems to be a career ending start for me, at least his fantasy career. But maybe I’m just in my feelings. Just remember the strength of this Boston team is their pitching and defense.

Brandon Young – 5.2 IP, 7 hits, 3 ER, BB, 5 K, 2nd win. Seriously, start anyone against the Red Sux. What’s the worst that could happen? This is not a very good baseball team, you guys. Sawx actually hit him pretty hard, but it doesn’t really matter when you’re terrible. Young gets the Astros next week. Pick him up if you hate yourself.

Wilyer Abreu – 2-for-4, HR (4). I know we’re saying Abreu is the one bright spot in Boston’s lineup but Wilyer believe this was his first extra base hit since April 5th?

Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-5, 3 runs, HR (8), raised his batting average to .207 with 37 strikeouts. OK, fine, I guess I have to wake up and live another day. Fine. Why is it so hard though?

Adley Rutschman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 HR (3), 6 RBI, slashing .349/.417/.698. It’s Adley ball. Whether or not you believe in Adley or not or just prefer his sister the O’s are a much better baseball team when he’s in the line up. It’s the 1.050 OPS for me. Now if only he’d play more than twice a week. Also, how do I get a job with those hours?

Dylan Beavers – 3-for-5, HR (2). It was an O’sffensive ExlO’sion! Samuel Basallo was 4-for-5, with a HR (4) and Coby Mayo (2-for-5, HR (3)) also homered while Taylor Ward had four hits as the O’s made bird food out of the Red Sox, scoring 10 runs with 20 hits. TWENTY! Sweet sassy molassy! Beavers is interesting cause he’s got wood to chuck, and I’ve got a gnawing suspicion he’s probably the only one not owned. The O’s hit so many home runs off Brayan Bello they ran out of fireworks and were unable to give Coby Mayo’s blast the fanfare show it deserved. And that is my favorite stat of 2026 so far.

Grant Holmes – 6.0 IP, 7 hits, 3 ER, 3 BB, 4 K, 2nd win. You got me, Holmes! The Bravos have a middling pitcher you can ride to 12+ wins every year, and this year, he seems more middling than usual, but the facts remain. It doesn’t hurt he looks like Kenny Powers, either, who once said, “I am the man who has the ball, and I am the man who can throw it faster than [expletive deleted]. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world.” Yessir. Hear that, Holmes? Words to live by. Anyway, Grant gets the Tigers next week, and I could see considering the prospect of maybe thinking about mulling over the possibility of contemplating whether or not I should review the option of potentially picking him up. I still don’t know for sure, though!

Andrew Painter – 5.2 IP, 9 hits, 5 ER, 2 BB, K. Well, this guy just fell off radars fast, but that could be the fading Phillies. Remember, it’s April. Five more months of torture. Andrew still got a whole town to paint Philly red. Or just the corners at least. He gets the Giants next week and I could see a rebound there!

Trea Turner – 1-for-3, HR (3), Bryce Harper also homered (6). See, things are already looking up for the geezers! It’s the speedy ones that age a lot faster in beisbol years. My beloved Treat Urner, I miss you. It seems like just yesterday we were slamming the Dodgers for buying mercenaries for a championship. Little didn’t we know then how much worse it would get.

Ronald Acuna Jr.  – 1-for-3, HR (2). Tildaddy says if you’re gonna vape it better be menthol! Didn’t raise no [expletive deleted]! What is Captain Crunch flavor? No.

Munetaka Murakami – 1-for-3 HR (11). He don’t gotta dance, HE MAKE MUNE MOVES! His fifth homer in the past week and seventh in 10 days. Sure, the Ks are high, and the swing and misses are alarming, but also, shut up, nerd! He hits absolute piss missiles. Mune has almost more home runs than the Red Sox entire team, and his league leading 11 homers (ELEVEN) tied Paul Konerko for most in White Sox history in March/April. Let’s watch it from another angle. Spectacular, give me 14 more of them right now. I think I have a new favorite player.

Brady House – 1-for-4, HR (3), 2 RBI. I would play “Brady House” with my sisters when we were little, and we’d all pretend to be Gisele and dress up for Sunday game day, shop, and do runway. This is how I thought kids played football until I was probably about 9 years old. As for House the player, the fact that he’s still batting third in this lineup that’s producing runs says a lot about the Nats confidence in him. So I’d be watching him closer than the Euphoria season three premiere, which is what I think a show would look like if all my creepiest dreams came to fruition. Surprised Sydney hasn’t played Brady House yet.

Yusei Kikuchi – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 5 ER, 2 BB, 5 K. For as lucky as Jose Soriano has been, Kikuchi seems cursed. Yusei the strikeouts are still there, Lisa Loeb? So why don’t you Stay confident in Kikuchi. I will! The 32/13 K/BB is nice, and the BABIP is high and the 3.72 FIP suggests some positive regression (pos regs) is coming? He gets the White Sox next week, and that sounds positive-ish!

George Kirby – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, BB, 2 K, 2nd win. I confuse him and Gilbert. Which one do I want to own again? I know both, but which one am I buying low on? Must be Gilbert because George is rocking a 2.97 ERA, 1.04 WHIP with 29 strikeouts. Take me to Dreamland, Kirby!

Josh Naylor – 1-for-3, 2 runs, HR (3), slashing .198/.278/.313. Naylor!? I hardly kno–wait, not with that slash. I ain’t that desperate.

Will Warren – 6.0 IP, 7 hits, 2 ER, BB, 6 K, 3rd win. I Will Warren you that this Astros team was a scary start for Will, but I take heed of your warnings and completely ignore them. I’m so aloof like that. WWs (can I call him Dub Dubs?) got three wins and a 2.59 ERA, 1.15 WHIP, and the 37/7 K/BB makes me want to dance around the Palace of Versailles like an Olivia Rodrigo music video. Yeah, I stalk him on the internet but only a little. The hardest part is deciding which young Yankee stud starting pitcher is your favorite.

Lance McCullers Jr. – 5.0 IP, 6 hits, 5 ER, 4 BB, 3 K. Looking back at Lance’s 2026 breakout 7.0 inning, 9 K gem and seeing that it was against the Red Sux it all sort of makes sense now. He gets the O’s next week, and you don’t want no part of that, Dewey.

Yainer Diaz – 2-for-4, HR (2), 2 RBI. Most importantly, he’s got a four game hitting streak with the bomb since I dropped him. But don’t worry, the catcher I added is 0-for-12 since then. You know my team’s in a bad way when actually I care who my catcher is.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, RBI. Left the game with lower leg tightness. I get the same tightness in my pants when I watch Giancarlo mash. :smirk: I only mention this for the Jasson Dominguez truthers, but sounds like he’s just day-to-day.

Ben Rice – 2-for-5, 3 runs,  HR (9), 2 RBI, slashing .316/.450/.747. Ryan McMahon (2) and Jose Caballero (2) also homered. Uncle Ben bowls it like white on rice! Or Rice on white? The 1.211 OPS has got me drooling like I’m in line watching them build my rice bowl at Chipotle. Two types of meat means double meat without actually ordering it. Boy math! Also, those eagle-eyed readers will notice he homered off a lefty! How could Mr. Manager B(aF)oone allow such a thing!? He’s now slugging .833 against lefties, and in 28 at bats. He’s on pace for 50 homers in case you care. It’s almost like the Yankees are actually OP, they just need to stop playing Ryan McMahon and Randal Grichuk.

Jazz Chisholm, Jr. – 3-for-4, HR (2), 4 RBI. Unlike the Fenway gimme he hit Thursday, this was an actual big boy homer, but still just barely. He finally got his average above .200, but oh boy, the skating has been rough. Grey told you to SELL, and now just might be your best chance. This game also featured one of the worst ABS challenges you are likely to see all year. I laughed out loud at the 360 zoom there. LOL. Anyway, this slash, that ABS challenge, and all that Jazz scares me, and the 50-50 tracker has got a long way to go.

Framber Valdez – 4.1 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 5 BB, 4 K. Framber Alert! At least it wasn’t eight earned runs.

Andrew Abbott – 4.0 IP, 6 hits, 5 ER, 2 BB, 4 K. You were supposed to be the boring, reliable starter. Those ratios would make the Rockies bullpen blush.

Eugenio Suarez – Headed to the IL with an oblique injury (it’s unclear!). JJ Bleday is the expected call-up as he’s been incredibly hot slashing .345/.461/.667 with six homers. Noelvi Marte could also be an option but he’s dead to me.

Kenley Jansen – 0.2 IP, 2 hits, 2 ER, K, BS, L. Rip. Skull. F to pay respects. You call that a blown save, Tony Santillan, Kenley says hold my beer. Are the blown saves always so common this early in the year. The answer is yes. You just forget about them by September.

Nathaniel Lowe– 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 HR (2), 3 RBI. The game winning walk off home run! Don’t call him Nate! Nathaniel played the hero Friday crushing his second homer of the game in place of the injured Eugenio, and he’s already halfway to surpassing his homer total. And the crowd goes absolutely bonkers! But, for really, look at all those empty seats! This is a first place team on a Friday night by the way. Those tickets can’t be more than $10. Couple skyline dogs? Some beers. A few laughs? Sounds like a good time to me, but I suppose there are probably much better options for Cincinnati night life. As for Lowe, why do teams keep casting him off when all he does is produce?

Matt McLain – 2-for-4, 2 HR (2), 4 RBI. If we bring him to the back of Skyline by the dumpster, they say they can grind the flesh into the chili and–wait, Matt McLain moved! He’s alive! He’s actually got a five game hitting streak batting over .300 in the stretch. If someone gave up on him, you could probably do worse at second. Jazz has entered the chat.

Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-3, HR (3). Javier Baez (2), Kerry Carpenter (6) also homered. Speaking of giving up, Tork is one of the streakiest hitters in the biz, and after finally launching his first dong on Wednesday, he hit a walk-off home run Thursday, and followed it up with this second deck bomb Friday night. That’s three homers in three days if you don’t follow math good, and I’d grab him while he’s piping hot like a Matt McClain meat chili dog!

Riley Greene – 2-for-5, HR (3). Two homers during his six game hitting streak. His owner was complaining to me he has no power, as I’m sitting on Jazz, and, Jac and FTJ, and a whole bunch of hemorrhoids. It ain’t easy being me–err, I mean Greene.

Corbin Martin – 1.0 IP, K, SV (1). Ben Brown was the BUY seems like the obvious choice at closer. But may I interest you in this other C. Martin no one has ever heard of? He could close!

Adrian Houser – 4.0 IP, 11 hits 8 ER, BB 3 K. I believed they prefer to be called Unhousered. Or is it Unroofied? Will it help him get unroofied.

Sandy Alcantara – 6.0 IP, 9 hits, 3 ER, BB, 4 K, 2nd W, ERA at 3.05. That’s two wins in 50 IP.

Liam Hicks – 1-for-4, HR (5), 3 RBI. Agustin lost his muchness, but we got another catcher for you to obsess over.  Marlins beisbol. Get hooked!

Emmet Sheehan – 6.1 IP, 4 hits, ER, BB, 10 K, lowered his ERA to 4.78 ERA. OK, that’s more like it. I’m in love with the shape of you when you pitch like this, Sheehan. Wait, it’s Sheehan not Sheeran. Sorry, I was thinking out loud, but Emmet’s potential on this Dodgers team gives me Shivers. Or as I like to call them, The A Team. Drafting Dodgers starters, no matter what are Bad Habits I just can’t break. Definitely Emmet’s best start to date, and he did it against a surging Cubs team. He should keep it rolling against the Cards next week. Perfect!

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-3, HR (6), 4 RBI. Walk off home run! Electric! In LA too?! Dans be good like that! With the finger guns at the end? That’s a winner winner Swanson chicken dinner for you, chat. Poggers! Are the Cubs, maybe, possibly a wagon, y’all?

Hyeseong Kim – 2-for-3, SB (5). I remain intrigued by his team and his speed. He’s literally hitting .500 over the past week. That could translate to 10+ runs in the right Dodger week. It’s boy math!

Tanner Scott – 0.2 IP, 2 hits, 2 ER. Well, there he is. I drafted this guy high last year all season, and you think you can grab him off waivers and he’ll just run away with this gig unscathed? I don’t think so. Sorry, but notatallsorry. You thought you knew ball? This is Tanner Scott, and this is what its like rostering him. Pain. We now share that together.

Brandon Woodruff – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 3 K, L. He’s been mostly underwhelming but not quite bad. More of a midruff. And trust me, when you’re expecting full frontal a midruff is not gonna cut it. The Brewers also refuse to pitch him over 75 pitches, which is sure to be an infuriating storyline all season long.

Konnor Griffin – 3-for-4, HR (1), 3 RBI. BIRTHDAY BOY! Are the Bucs a wagon, y’all? I think I told you last week your buy low opportunity was closing. Slamming shut even. Or maybe it was the week before? Or maybe I just wanted to tell you. Either way, I knew it was coming. Praise me!

Paul Skenes – 7.0 IP, 1 hits, 0 ER, 7 K, 4th win. Skenesy looked unreal last night. Vintage PS in Cy Young form, folks. The splinkler was splinking! Ten whiffs, 29% CSW. Just untouchable. He took a perfect game into the seventh, which I fully jinxed by yelling out loud “Skenes got a no-no going through seven!” to only my caked-in-dust bobbleheads in my basement. Sorry Livvy. Can I still get that autograph? They asked him what a perfecto would have meant to him, and he said, “Would have been pretty cool,” which is the most Paul Skenes answer ever. He’s now lowered his ERA to 2.48 ERA, after a disaster opening day, and his career ERA sits at 2.01. Swoons. He is the man who has the ball and he is the man who can throw it faster than [expletive deleted]. So that is why he is better than everyone in the world.

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!