Please see our player page for Kenley Jansen to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

If you said you loved Kevin Kline in the role of Cole Tucker, you wouldn’t be wrong.  What can’t Kevin Kline do?  Yo, Kevin Kline, wanna be my father?  “Sir, this is a Cheesecake Factory and that’s James, our short-order cook, not Kevin Kline.”  I’m crazy for rookie bats.  As crazy as I am for rookie bats, I’m tepid on rookie arms.  I don’t dislike them, but roofies are real and dangerous.  Rookie bats, however…*places nose right above a stick of butter, inhales deeply*  So, the Pirates called up Cole Tucker.  He’s the sexiest Pittsburgh shortstop since….uh Jack Wilson wasn’t very sexy…uh…Jordy Mercer God no…Erik Gonzalez bleh…Arky Vaughan!  Arky took no crap, quitting for three years at one point because he got sore at Leo Durocher for talking to the press about a teammate.  And Arky still made the Hall of Fame!  Of course, he had to wait 33 years after his death.  Any hoo!  Besides Cole Tucker sounding like he wears Vineyard Vines, what do we know about Tucker?  He has 30-steal speed.  Love that.  Where else are we finding that?  That alone is reason to grab him in every league.  Yes, every league.  Next up, he made swing adjustments and is more a 17-homer hitter than the under-5 homer guy he showed before this year.  In 18 spring at-bats, he hit two homers.  In 57 Triple-A at-bats, he hit three homers.  In his first career at-bat with the Pirates, he homered.  For power, I’m going to start saying Triple-A is samesies with the majors.  We’ll see if my new approach pans out!  So, 17/30/.250 while also taking a walk?  I told you every league.  The Ghost of Arky Vaughan can eat a D!  (If the site suddenly goes down for three years, we know why.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

While Grey was off gallivanting in Jackson’s Hole sipping hot toddies and drafting his AL-Only team from heated chair lifts, I spent my day at a shady Illinois car dealership drafting my AL-Only team in that same league while getting fleeced on a used car. After I spent $35 on The Messiah, Adalberto Mondesi, Grey cracked, “I hope you get a better deal on that car than you got on Mondesi!” Oh real funny, Grey! That’s rich coming from the guy who spent $10 on Bryce Harper in an AL-Only league!

Nevertheless, my AL team took a turn for the worse when the car dealer tried to tack a $399 “Dealer Inventory Fee” onto the negotiated sale price. And that’s the story of how I spent $3 on Daniel Mengden and $1 on Chad Pinder in the all-important late stages of an AL-Only auction with the titans of the industry. Fortunately, our friend Scott White of CBS gave ya boy Donkey Teeth one more shot at the glory-hole in the NL-Only version of the same league. And this time, I wouldn’t be preoccupied disputing undisclosed dealer inventory fees while being stuck with auto-nominated Chad Pinders. Anyway, here’s my 12-team NL-Only team and the tale of how I left Grey lusting after my Wong, again:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Our 2019 Razzball leagues are in full signup mode. Today, I’m in dress-down mode.  Casually coming for you in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but slippers and a multicolored housecoat that’s half open so you can see the family jewels while I apply my Ambi.  Here’s what Grey thinks about you (repeat 17x).  I’m about to blow my top as I let my aggravation Michael Bublé over.  If you’re clutching pearls like Barbara Bush’s hologram, you’re better off looking at cute pet pics on Instagram, because I’m sharpening my pointer fingers, i.e., the fingers that I use to type!  I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children!  See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids.  Like a baller!  A shot caller!  An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!”  Now let’s open a window and defenestrate ESPN’s 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.  To the tune of Ice Cube’s No Vaseline:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

One word about this top 100 for 2019 fantasy baseball, before I give you another 5,000 words.  I’m going to avoid repeating myself from the position rankings in the 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.  If you want to know my in-depth feelings about a player, then you need to go to his positional page, i.e., the top 20 1st basemen for 2019 fantasy baseball, the top 20 outfielders for 2019 fantasy baseball, the top 20 Gucci handbags for 2019– Ah, I almost got you.  This post is meant to give you an idea where guys from different positions are in relation to each other.  Since this post is only the top 100, there’s more players where this came from.  471 more, to be very exact.  Next up, there will be a top 500 that will go to 571.  Then, after that, there will be a top 7,500 that will go to 8,602, then a top 25,000 that will go to 28,765, then a top 600,000 that will go to 892,121, until we end up with a top kajillion in April that will go to a kajillion and one.  Or maybe I’ll stop at the top 500.  Yeah, that makes sense.  Not to get all biblical on you, but this is the gospel.  Print it out and take it to Mt. Sinai and it will say, “Win your 2019 fantasy baseball league, young prematurely balding man.”  Projections were done by me and a crack team of 100 monkeys fighting amongst themselves because there were only 99 typewriters.  Somebody please buy Ling-Ling his own typewriter!  Also, the online Fantasy Baseball War Room is, uh, online.  It might be a little wonky still, but working out kinks.  Anyway, here’s the top 100 for 2019 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to part two of my four-part #2EarlyMocks draft series. If you’re looking for part one you can find it here: 2EarlyMock Draft Part 1. In part one, we covered the sexy rounds — one through seven. Not too many risks or reaches in those rounds, you grab your studs and stars and reap the rewards. But in rounds eight through 14 is where owners are starting to take risks and grab their sleepers, rookies and potential bounce back players. I’ll be comparing the draft position of these players during this draft to their cumulative ADP on Fantasy Pros. This cumulative ADP includes the 288 players from ESPN’s ADP, the 999 players from Fantrax’s ADP plus data from CBS, Yahoo, RT Sports and NFBC draft results. Let’s get right into it:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Mets outfielder/grandfather Jay Bruce hit his second home run in the past three days last night, a 3-run shot that put the game out of reach and he finished the night 2-for-5, with his eighth home run and four runs batted in. When Jay has-a-day at Fenway that calls for the throwback “Bruuuuuuuuce!” Despite battling injuries all year long, the veteran is now batting .270 with four home runs and 12 RBI in September and he’s getting hot at just the right time for his team and fantasy owners. The Mets have won seven games in a row, you guys! That’s right, that same Mets team that won just five games in June are 7-3 over their last 10 games! Why do you care? Well, Bruce’s mighty power bat could be a big reason why! There was also a rat in the dugout and on the field at ‘Family Friendly’ Fenway Friday night, and I’m inclined to say the New York Mess probably brought the plague with them, but at least no one has hand foot and mouth disease…yet. Barring him catching the black plague, Bruce might catch fire in the next couple days because that’s what Jay Bruce does, so I’m telling you now that all the signs are there for the beginning of an absolute tear and maybe you should grab him before that happens. It’s easy to forget he hit 37 home runs between New York and Cleveland last year. I’m not saying he gets to 30 home runs, or even 20, but the Mets are hot, Jay sits in the heart of this line up and one of a few players capable of a 5+ homer week. He was a BUY and he’s available in over 75% of leagues and the team is Queens in a fantasy gold mine right now. I can’t believe I’m saying that, what a wild season!

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The story of German Marquez isn’t one they tell you in your parochial schools.  It’s an ugly story punctuated with cowardice and the worst atrocities in history.  You’d think if a family emigrated from 1940’s Germany they would’ve had the common decency to not name their child German.   Also, his father claiming to be an appliance repairman who specializes in ovens is disgusting.  The last straw was when his family tried to claim sauerkraut was good in tacos.  Shame on you!  What’s less shameful is how he’s pitched in the 2nd half.  He now has a 2.64 ERA in the 2nd half in 68 1/3 IP, and his peripherals on the year are gorgeous — 10.2 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 3.21 xFIP.  He’s doing it with newfound success in his slider, which he throws 15% of the time. That slider is top 15 in the majors, and is supported with a 95 MPH fastball.  In other words, this breakout appears real.  Last night, he went 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.94, and I see no reason to not start him in any matchup, even in Coors.  Or Löwenbräu as he calls it.  Disgraceful!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Everyone is so sad at the Shohei Ohtani news that he needs Tommy John surgery.  People being sad at this has me gobsmacked.  He had elbow problems when he signed with the Angels, then a Grade 1 sprain of his UCL became a partial tear in June.  He threw a whopping 25 IP the previous year.  Were people really ostrich’ing their heads into the sand to the point where they didn’t see the writing on the wall?  Of course, he needs Tommy John surgery.  How is this awful news?  It was awful news for Angels fans when we first heard of the elbow issues.  It’s not awful news now.  It’s actually great news because he has a chance to be healthy again in 2020, instead of becoming Garrett Richards, Tyler Skaggs, Matt Shoemaker and every other pitcher the Angels shoved towards PRP injections rather than getting them healthy.  Did people really think pitching a guy was the answer to a torn UCL?  Seriously, people thought this?  Sad news that people are surprised by the least surprising thing since finding out taco diarrhea burns.  This would be like a memo coming out of Nike headquarters that says something like, “This Kaepernick thing is great for business, who cares about the politics?”  You mean a company is trying to sell products?  Get out of here!  You want seriously sad news?  Ohtani and the Angels haven’t decided he will have Tommy John surgery yet.  That’s sad!  Maybe they’ll just let him be a hitter as he was yesterday (4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (17, 18) and legs (7) and mouth-to-mouth’d a baby chick back to life).  A torn UCL hasn’t looked that good since LiAngelo Ball tried to get paid twice from selling one ripped jersey in China.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The September roster expansion this year was a bit of a dud.  No Eloy Jimenez and no Vladimir Guerrero Jr.  It’s too bad what’s best for baseball and these young players is not what is also best for their teams.  Their rewards and our rewards are not aligned.  It’s like going into the supermarket for pluots and they tell you, “It’s pluot season.  Pluots are best this time of year.  You want to eat dem pluots now so they slobber down your chin like you’re a human St. Bernard.  So, we’re putting our pluots into liquid nitrogen to freeze them until mid-April of next year, and we will serve you pluots once their service time allows us to keep them an extra year.”  However, the Nationals are working on a different schedule apparently because they are calling up Victor Robles, i.e., to the Victor goes the spoiled pluots.  Where will Victor Robles play?  Haven’t a clue, Colonel Mustard.  Bryce Harper (1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer yesterday) goes to right and Robles plays center while Adam’s Eaton the pine?  Adam’s Eaton up time while Bryce goes to the bench because the Nationals know Harper is not in their future plans?  Robles just plays periodically unless something goes completely sideways and the Nats will pass ‘o Robles.  On Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects, Robles is about as high a player can be who isn’t A) Not being called up this year.  B) Not already called up.  C) There’s no C.  To give you an idea of Robles’ profile, think Starling Marte without knowing his upside.  I will call you No Ceiling Marte.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday’s Nationals/Phils game tested my ulcer and said, “Mmm, acidic.” Starting off the calamity, Pat Neshek went 1/3 IP, 2 ER, and the blown save, ERA at 2.08.  Okay, if you’re a closer, you have to get the job done, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — why the eff can’t Kapler let him start an inning in a one-run game?  He let Tommy Hunter walk the lead-off man, then Neshek came in to allow a blast to Anthony Rendon (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer).  Up next in the closerousel is…Hector Neris!  Kapler’s already ruined him once, so that gives you an idea of how long it takes for the Phillies’ closerousel to spin, about four months.  Then, Justin Miller came on to close the game for the Nationals.  But oh no, we will nearly blow!  Miller went 1/3 IP, 1 ER and was promptly pulled for…wait for it…oh, this is good…Greg Holland!  Who entered the game with a 6.09 ERA and has been so bad, he got chased out of St. Louie.  Yo, are Davey Martinez and Gabe Kapler running a lemonade stand?  Because I’m getting a real sour face.  In Washington, it’s likely Koda Glover or Ryan Madson’s turn next, but Holland’s got two lips, so he’s as good as anyone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?