*places an order on Amazon for a megaphone, goes with the free shipping option, waits three to five days, sits outside the door for shipment, begins to rain, yells for Cougs to hand me an umbrella, shakes head annoyed when she hands me a drink umbrella, on the fifth day, the megaphone arrives, opens box, groans, heads out to CVS for some batteries for my new megaphone, buys batteries, unable to wait any longer, places batteries in megaphone while inside the CVS, grimaces at feedback, then cackles into megaphone for ten minutes straight until escorted out of the store*  I am ordering megaphones to laugh into because it’s so hilarious I am writing an overrated post for Vladimir Guerrero Jr.  Can we all agree that at least 30% of the people drafting Vlad “The Mini Impaler” are doing it because they have so much FOMO after Ronald Acuña Jr. last year?  Maybe even 50% or more are drafting Impaler Jr. due to FOMO.  Even ESPN and Yahoo are ranking Vlad for that FOMO factor.  Yo, Yahoo and ESPN, you can’t make up for Mr. Bungling Acuña last year with your ranking for VGJ this year.  You just can’t.  By the way, I wanna see a show on MTV called The FOMO Factor hosted by Ludacris, and it’s the worst show ever but everyone on the show feared it was going to be the best show.  Anyway, what can we expect from Vladimir Guerrero Jr. for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Couple of sells before the words to ring the till’s bells.  If you want an ad-free experience, click here.  Join a Razzball League, they’re filling up, but they need youse, so stop being afraid of success!  Finally, Rudy released his War Room, you need to subscribe to our tools to get it.  Not to toot Rudy’s horn — ew! — but it is what we both use in all our drafts.  I’m basically crediting it with our Tout Wars wins.  It is leaps and bounds better than our online War Room.  It is indispensable in NFBC leagues.  You can get access to the War Room via the Easter Egg hidden in the middle of the Stream-o-Nator page.  You have to subscribe, though.  Speaking of NFBC, sign up to take on Rudy or I or Ralph or MattTruss.  League’s start drafting March 4th.  Wait, there’s a more detailed intro:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What an absolute trip this offseason has been, huh?  Emphasis on ‘has been,’ and hyphenated.  And trip as in “catch one’s foot on something and stumble or fall or other Macy Gray lyrics.”  And ‘trip’ might actually be a misspelling of ‘drip.’  To recap, what an absolute drip this offseason has-been, huh?  Players have already reported and Manny Machado is only now signing and Bryce Harper still hasn’t, said the man who likes to point out the obvious.  Obvious Man continued, “I need oxygen to breathe.”  Shut up, Obvious Man!  Yesterday, the Padres signed Manny Machado to a 10-year, $300 million contract.  We should’ve seen this coming all along.  After all, San Diego is the world’s most languid city.  Also, remember all those people saying Machado would sign with the White Sox, due to Yonder Alonso signing there and being his brother-in-law?  I mean, a guy doesn’t want to be with his in-laws? No kidding!

Now Machado will be in the cozy position of hitting between Ian Kinsler and Eric Hosmer.  Does he just prefer to hit in garbage lineups?  Was Balty-more (how I say it) not bad enough for him?  What an absolute shizzshow this 1st round has become.  In the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball, I’ve moved Machado down to another tier as the 2nd tier in the top 10 becomes increasingly barren.  “Acuña or Trea Turner or die,” as my bumper sticker I’m manufacturing says.  Petco isn’t the ‘terrible’ park everyone has made it out to be in past years, i.e. Petco isn’t for the birds and is not a dog of a park or–Fill in your own damn animal pun!  It’s still makes me shudder hard at thinking of hitting in front of Hosmer, but, as previously mentioned on the aforementioned tip, hitting in the Orioles’ lineup wasn’t amazing either and Machado did fine for many years.  I did lower his projections in the top 10, and I’m now way more tentative on him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw for fantasy baseball this offseason:

PSYCH!  Before getting into the post, we have an announcement:

Razzball Introduces An Ad-Free Option

I know, I know, I know, but you love seeing ads for “Kate Hudson Beauty Secrets” that then lead you to a free Amazon gift card which is actually an Eastern European man living in Nigeria who managed to clone your DNA from your IP address and just slept with your wife using the Amazon Gift Card Clone, who goes by the name, Tommy.  I love those ads too!  They are terrific!  However, and this is going to come as a shock to some of you, there’s people who don’t appreciate the IP clone illegal download software ads that sleep with your wife.  I know, shocker!  For those people, Razzball is introducing an ad-free option.  As Rudy tells me, direct people to the Tools Subscription page and they can figure it out from there.  I have my doubts, but what better way to prove me wrong?  The ad-free subscription runs for 250 days — a Jewish calendar year! — and is only for one sport.  There is now a Log In in the top menu for people too, so if you’re a subscriber, there’s no more need to email Rudy or I asking, “Hey, I bought the subscriptions and I can’t figure out where to log in?  Is it at the log in page?”  Wait until we introduce the “Grey comes to your house and just operates your computer for you” option.  Anyway, here’s the roundup:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Before I get into our 1st schmohawk post (I’m including you, because without you there’s no me; wanna hug? I’m kidding, don’t touch me), a quick remembrance.  One loyal Razzball Reader, Simply Fred, kept a running tally of how many times I nailed my schmohawk posts.  I think at last tally I was 25 for 27 over the last five years.  Something like that.  The point is I don’t know the number, because around Christmas time of this year, we lost Simply Fred.  He passed suddenly around the holidays.  He was one of our most loyal readers, and he will be missed, especially around the time of the yearly of the schmohawk posts.  In his honor, MattTruss, who runs our Razzball Commenter Leagues, is changing the championship trophy of the ECFBL league that Simply Fred was a part of to the Fred Barker Memorial Trophy, a worthy gesture for a worthy man.  Any hoo!  Jose Ramirez is a schmohawk.  This is so freakin’ obvious to me that it almost makes me question myself, because literally no one else is saying this about Jose Ramirez.  Could I really be the only one that recognizes how obvious this is?  I feel like Queen Isabella when she used cover her giant bosoms with bras that were hand-painted with round globes and Spanish men would be like, “She ain’t flat, but the earth is, so her luscious breasts are factually incorrect.”  Thankfully, Christopher Columbus recognized the beauty of Isabella’s chest, raised his mast and sailed west.  Anyway, what can we expect from Jose Ramirez for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The best 2019 fantasy baseball team is a misnomer.  Thankfully, none of us know what misnomer means.  Sounds to me like someone tentatively wants to date the Travelocity Gnome’s daughter, “Miss Gnome, er, you wanna grab some boba and chill?”  Miss Gnome brushes back her hair and bats her eyelashes that are almost as long as her two-and-half foot body, “I’d love to,” but her voice is high-pitched, which is a turn-off, so you cancel plans with her repeatedly until she gets the hint.  Sorry, Miss Gnome, I like my women’s voices low like their stature.  Any hoo!   So the title is a bit of a superlative.  What was I gonna say, “The Mostly Kinda Good Fantasy Baseball Team?”  You’ll get over your scoffing; I have faith in you.  This is the best 2019 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2019 fantasy baseball and top 500 for 2019 fantasy baseball.  Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different, but equally terrific… Well, one of the twenty-five would only be sorta terrific, but it would be really hard to tell which one that is.  If I took Adalberto Mondesi in the 2nd round, everything after would change.  If I took Javier Baez in the 1st round, everything after would change.  I’ve previously gone over my 2019 fantasy baseball draft prep for the first few rounds and pitchers pairings.  For this exercise, I’m taking Trea Turner first, because, well, people complain I always did this post by taking Mike Trout first, so I’m switching it up, like when you combover right instead of left.  Until pick 100, I’m taking one guy somewhere in every fifteen picks.  It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted Scherzer and deGrom in the first two rounds and I was able to take Bryce Harper in the 2nd round (which is very likely), but since Treat Urner and him are in my first 14 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both.  Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken.  People tend to look at team need over value.  So for this exercise, once I get to pick #101, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks.  Finally, because there is so much latitude in the last 300, I gave myself free reign to fill up my team.  Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward.  Or reach around, if you’re feeling frisky.  It should still be my ideal team… Or not.  Let’s see, shall we?  Bee tee dubya, this team is a 12-team, 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues (go sign up).  Anyway, here’s the best 2019 fantasy baseball team:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Here’s a post that’s gonna make you wanna slap ya mama and tell her Don Magic Juan sends his best.  The other day I told you how to draft your pitchers for 2019 fantasy baseball.  I laid it out to you nice and simple (if you have a degree in “What The Hell Is Grey Talking About?” Not a PhD, mind you.  Just a BS.)  Today, we forget all that jabberwocky on the who-ha and get down to business old school-style (which means if you don’t comprehend, I will hit you over the head with a baseball bat signed by Joe Clark.)  What I’m hoping to lay out to you is who do you draft 2nd if you’ve drafted so and so first.  I think it might be helpful to go through pairings for your 5 outfielders, all your middle and corner infielders too.  I’m not sure I’ll have the time or patience to do them.  We’ll see!  Or not.  Your choice.  (Actually, my choice.)  For easy reference, the royal we will be using the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2019 fantasy baseball and the beginning of the top 100 for 2019 fantasy baseball.  I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5, MI, CI, 5 OF, 1 Utility, 1 Catcher league, similar to our Razzball Commenter Leagues. (Sign up for multiple leagues, and beat the heck out of your frenemies or make new frenemies!)  Anyway, here’s some pairings for the first two rounds of 2019 fantasy baseball drafts:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The intro for Yahoo’s 2019 fantasy baseball rankings reminds of a Dear John letter written by your ex-wife.  Only your name is Kevin and she accidentally writes “John,” and doesn’t have a chance to proofread it because she’s bedding down your best friend.  Read for yourself:

Sure, guys and five girl readers, “You’ll find your familiar Trouts’, the Betts’, the Martinez’, but questions remain.”

Huh?

Yeah, I have questions that, uh, remain.  How many Trouts have they ranked?  The Betts’?  Did they rank his entire family?  The Martinez’?  Is that like World War Z, but instead it’s, “An Apostrophe Z?”

“When should the first pitcher go off the board, and should there be more than one?”

Said like Ron Burgundy, “That’s not English.”  Should there be more than one?  Are Yahoo leagues this year one-pitcher leagues?  I’m so confused.  Did 100 monkeys with 100 typewriters, who only read Bleacher Report, write up this intro?

“Enough talk though.  Let’s jump into the rankings!”

Ha!  Was there enough talk?  I’ve written more in this intro than they wrote.  With that level of effort, they don’t even deserve this evisceration, but… *sharpens nails that look like the 108-year-old Asian man in the Guinness Book of World Records* …here goes nothing.  For this post, I will be looking at the consensus Yahoo 2019 fantasy baseball rankings vs. my own 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Our 2019 Razzball leagues are in full signup mode. Today, I’m in dress-down mode.  Casually coming for you in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but slippers and a multicolored housecoat that’s half open so you can see the family jewels while I apply my Ambi.  Here’s what Grey thinks about you (repeat 17x).  I’m about to blow my top as I let my aggravation Michael Bublé over.  If you’re clutching pearls like Barbara Bush’s hologram, you’re better off looking at cute pet pics on Instagram, because I’m sharpening my pointer fingers, i.e., the fingers that I use to type!  I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children!  See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids.  Like a baller!  A shot caller!  An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!”  Now let’s open a window and defenestrate ESPN’s 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.  To the tune of Ice Cube’s No Vaseline:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Fantasy Baseball War Room is back!  I’m not saying the Fantasy Baseball War Room is back, as in, is a butt.  So, if Sir Mix-A-Lot is reading, I’m truly sorry for the confusion.  Our Fantasy Baseball War Room is one part draft tool, one part fantasy team evaluator, one part fantasy junkie’s s’s and g’s tool, one part holy, two parts smokes, three parts… How many parts is that so far?  Cause it’s only really seven parts total.  I think there’s one part kill-your-day-with-this-war-room-thing-a-maboob-as-a-pinwheel-spins in there too.  Essentially, this helps you practice building a fantasy baseball team.

If you’re unfamiliar with our Fantasy Baseball War Room, it’s a draft tool to help you track where you are at any moment in a draft.  It shows you if you have too many steals, homers… Or if your ERA or WHIP are too low.  Or too high.  Or if your lamb is still rare or should be turned (results vary on lamb).  If you’ve already drafted a team, go into the War Room, enter your team and it shows you exactly how stacked/dreadful the team is.  If you want to practice mocking for your Razzball Commenter League, do that too.  (Fantrax waived $80 fees for us, so go join some Razzball Commenter Leagues!)  If you’re in the middle of a draft, you can filter which guys are left that have the most home runs according to my projections.  Or the most steals, or the most runs or the most whatever (only applicable if “Whatever” is a category in your league).  If you’re in a bind, go into a Warm Room and take a shvitz.  Ah…That’s better!  There might be some bugs in our Fantasy Baseball War Room, just comment here and we’ll look into fixes.  The default projections are mine from the 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.  Also, Rudy’s projections are now up!  They can be found at my ranking page that I just linked to or here:  hitter projections and pitcher projections.  There, you’ll see rankings for every conceivable league (OBP, OPS, Holds, etc).  Anyway, here’s the step by step instructions on how to use the Fantasy Baseball War Room:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you’re like me most days, you’re sitting in your car beneath an underpass and writing ALF fan fiction, but today we have a different type of fantasy for you to engage in.  No, not your fantasy where it’s you and that girl from high school in a tub of Alphabet Soup and you write her a love letter on her back in noodles!  This is a fantasy baseball fantasy!  Because you know what would be really cool?  If you could join a fantasy baseball league that was against, like, 1000 other fantasy baseball teams.  But not a 1000-person league, where people are trying to figure out who the back-up third baseman is on the Single-A Astros affiliate, the Corpus Christi Amscrayers.  No, this is a 12-person league designed so you compete against eleven other people in your league, then 75 other leagues of twelve.  That would be cool.  Oh, wait, we’ve done that.  It’s called the Razzball Commenter Leagues, and they’re back, and you don’t even have to be a commenter to join it!  For a limited time only, get your loved one a fantasy baseball league!  That’s right, your hearts go pitter-patter or you’re dead on the inside (my condolences).  Since back in June when you abandoned your fantasy baseball team because it was totally sucking and you returned to your cubbyhole of leftover Chinese food and Teddy Grahams, you’ve longed for this day.  As Bob Marley sang, this is your redemption song, mon.  Or womon, for our five girl readers.  It’s time again to join some fantasy baseball leagues!

Please, blog, may I have some more?