Let’s see, if Tyler O’Neill is Kelly Leak, then Coach Walter Matheny is curmudgeonly happy. “Lean into the pitch, Whomever is the Cards catcher while Molina and Kelly are out!” If in this reboot T. O’Neill is playing Kelly, who’s playing the girl’s role on the Cards? Hmm, only one it could be is Tommy Herr. Come out of retirement! By the by, this movie? Doesn’t hold up at all. Don’t ever watch it again. Remember what you can and move on. Any hoo! Tyler O’Neill (2-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .368) hit yet another homer — his third in three games — and he’s capable of hitting 30 homers. Not over the whole year, like if we’re backtracking, I mean from today forward. Not sure if the Cards play him, sometimes Walter Matheny appears drunk, but I would grab O’Neill for power. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Howie Kendrick is out for multiple 10-day DLs with a ruptured Achilles injury. Look at it this way, if Achilles couldn’t come right back from an Achilles injury, how would Kendrick? He can’t, he’s out for the year. Enter stage left, Juan Soto. True story, as I was listening to Prospector Ralph and Lance Broetc. discuss the top 25 prospects for fantasy baseball (clickbait!), every time Ralph would say Juan Soto I’d think he was asking Lance if he wanted soda. I kept wanting to say, just give him a Dr. Pepper and stop asking if he’s thirsty! I don’t drink Soto, because it makes me burp, but I’ll tell you what? I’ve found a special appreciation for La Croix. Give me flavored seltzer or give me death, as Alan Hale Jr. once said. Any hoo! Love, love, lurve what the Nats did. If you have a guy that’s going to be a superstar? You call him up! H to the hockey sticks with an E in between! If the Blue Jays don’t call up Vlad soon, I will call them the BJs for the rest of eternity. Ralph has gone over Juan Soto so many times, that it’s silly to reiterate. Literally, he just wrote a Juan Soto fantasy. If you’re really lazy and you have wheels on your barcalounger so you can get around, the most succinct is Soto could be a 35/12/.300 hitter during his peak and is 19 years old with extra fizz. You can expect this year something similar to Bryce Harper’s rookie year — 20/15/.270. If your eyes don’t bug out on that, you’ve lost feeling in your eyes. Get them checked. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
How good is Vladimir Guerrero Jr.? The Blue Jays are now saying they’d like to see how he deals with failure. He’s so good, he’s never failed! He will be up by mid-June. The Jays can longer hold him down anymore without concocting fake reasons. Very soon you’re going to read this from me: “Vlad, the Mini Impaler, just jacked another homer to go with his .320 average. Aren’t you glad you listened to me and grabbed him back in mid-May? You didn’t grab him? Aw, shucks, you did a hashtag fail on that one, didn’t you? It’s all right, there should be another generational talent up in five years. I hear Bartolo Colon’s got 17 sons — one could be up soon and light the world on fire, or at least put the world in a microwave, open the door 30 seconds before the world is fully heated and eat it.” And that’s me quoting future me! So, do you wanna be the guy (or girl who can totally hang with the guys), saying, “Damn, Grey, you’re handsome AF but your witticisms cut deep sometimes.” Or do you want to read my wound-salting barbs and think, “I’m so glad I own Vlad. Now who is this Bartolo Colon Jr. he’s talking about? I should comment calling him Bartolo Semi-Colon and totally make Grey cackle!” Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Starling Marte hit the DL with an oblique injury, which apparently opened up space for Austin Meadows to be called up. Okay, I wanna be happy. I do. C**nt Hurdle seemed to do the right thing, Spike Lee. However, I wanna mitch and boan about one thing. The Pirates had to trade for Corey Dickerson to clog the outfield? Dickerson screams DH. Literally, he wakes at night screaming, “DH!” He has David Ortourettiz’s. Marte has already said he doesn’t think he’ll be out more than a week or two, so where’s Meadows going? Back to the minors? The Pirates have been doing The Running Man in place for years now, maybe you call up your 1st round pick who has 1,626 minor league at-bats! Here’s what Prospector Ralph said in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, “The skills put him in the top three entering last season, but a injury riddled season, including his third consecutive year with a hamstring injury have me doubting the upside I once dreamed on. Meadows at his best combines plus hitting, running, and plate discipline with untapped raw power. There’s still superstar upside here. Speaking of which, I’d love to hit Grey upside his head.” What the hey! He looks like a 10/20/.280 guy to me, assuming he stays up, but assuming makes an ass out of the U. of Ming. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Now, on most occasions, if one were to toot his own horn, he’d never leave the house. And, coincidentally, I don’t go out that much. However, seriously, rain down your props on me for Nick Pivetta. Rain them down! Who else told you to grab him the 1st week of the season? Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.72. I’ve been telling you people — yeah, you people! — to own Pivetta forever (six weeks). He’s a new, different — better even! — pitcher this year. He has a 10 K/9 and 2.2 BB/9. If you don’t know why that’s good, I can help you, but it could take some time. You do know what numbers are, right? Okay, good first step. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ya know, if you’re gonna get busted for PEDs and be suspended for 80 games, the way to do it is right after fracturing your hand. It’s like coming down with mono the week of your prom when you have no date. “Damn, am I gonna miss that? That is too bad, but I am so drowsy I feel like I have two Forest Whitaker eyes.” That’s you getting prom-o-mono. I am more surprised to hear Robinson Cano was busted for PEDs, than I am to learn he had no idea he was taking the illegal substance. Baseball is currently batting a thousand for denials of PEDs suspensions. MLB players’ denials of taking the illicit substance should get into the Hall of Fame on its first ballot. Speaking of Hall of Fame, I kinda thought Robinson Cano was headed there. This will obviously shade a cloud over his entire career, which I do think is a shame. What’s also a shame, you need to drop him in all leagues. He’s more or less done for the year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday’s Cubs/Braves matinee was Jose Quintana (4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.23) vs. Julio Teheran (6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.49). This start was billed as, “Was The Wind Blowing Out Or Do These Guys Suck?” A very quizzical billing. I don’t own Quintana, but I hear your calls to place a flag on a sound stage in Hollywood and say it’s the moon and continue to own Quintana or if it’s cheese. Guys (and five girls), things aren’t good — Ks are way down; walks are way up; velocity is down; this is the worst he’s looked in the majors. Now, the good news, it’s relatively good, at least. He had a 5.60 ERA last through the end of May last year, and a 3.41 ERA in the last 124 IP last year. He also upped his Ks last June thru September and, until we see different, I think he could take the same route to success this year. Or not (nice hedge, dopey!), but I’d hold to see. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hope everyone had a nice Mother’s Day! Or, as it’s known in my house, Bill Hall Day. *it’s 2074, Grey Albright’s frozen head is on a shelf next to Ted Williams’ frozen head* “Hey, Ted Williams, Happy Bill Hall Day.” “You’ve been calling it that for 65 years.” “It’ll catch on by next year. By the way, you have a booger-icicle hanging from your nose.” For Mother’s Day for Cougs, I took a picture of our dog Ted’s penis, then Photoshopped it into Bill Hall’s hands, so it looked like a pink bat. Of course, I inscribed it, “You’re always a home run to me.” I’m so romantic! Any hoo! Sean Newcomb silenced the Marlins pink bats and pink jerseys and pink hats — were they also advertising Anna Faris’ new movie, because they went Overboard! — 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.51. Of course, this matchup wasn’t the hardest, but his peripherals (10.4 K/9, 4.2 BB/9, 3.65 xFIP) look close to that of a number two to three fantasy starter. Not bad since he was drafted as number five. He’s one bad mother! Or May the Bill Hall Be With You. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We all know what to hoist by one’s own petard means, right? It’s like when Wile E. Coyote tries to drop a cannonball on the Road Runner, but the cannonball’s heft breaks off the cliff and plunges Wile E. to his untimely demise. (Clearly, the best Shakespearean example.) That’s how I feel about rookie pitchers. You grab them because of the upside, then hoist them up and they roofie you and, next thing you know, your kidney is replacing El Chapo’s. On the Prospect-o-Nator, Alex Reyes is the 2nd best rookie pitcher this year, behind Walker Buehler. Clearly, Alex Reyes needs to be owned, but he’s A) Rookie. B) Returning from Tommy John surgery. C) There’s no C. If things break right, he could be an ace for the last four months of the season. If things break wrong, your fantasy team could plunge to its untimely demise. Remember, never go full petard. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Vince Velasquez went 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 5.05. Ironic his initials are VV, because owning him is anything but peaceful. Maybe Richard Nixon was prophetic when he threw up the V’s. Did Nixon say, “I am not a…conservative streamer?” VV is so volatile, he’s like Nixon in a Pepsi full of Mentos! “Vince, why are you taping us?” Velasquez shakes his jowls. “Why are you always hating Ian Kennedy?” Velasquez diverts his eyes. “Vince, why do you keep asking for advice from that WAR monger, Henry Kissingfangrapher?” Velasquez’s peripherals are much prettier than his ERA — 11 K/9, 3.1 BB/9, 3.83 xFIP — but there is no way to recommend him without saying you know he can screw you at any moment. So be careful listening to Henry Kissingfangrapher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?