On Saturday, Charlie Morton went 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit (!), 6 BBs (Oy), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82 vs. the never-seen-nothing-that-was-too-terrible-to-swing-at Rangers, no less.  I can think of another word that rhymes with Chazz to call Morton.  It sounds a bit like the spa we operated back in 2010.  Don’t you remember Spazzball?  The retreat for prematurely balding men who had to check in with their moms once a day.  You don’t remember the Ballpark Water in the lobby that we floated hot dogs in?  It was poorly conceived, for sure.  Like this start by Morton, where he said, “I think over the course of the past couple weeks my delivery’s just kind of gotten a little out of whack and timing has gotten a little out of whack. And today was just really bad. It has to do with my front side. I’m just flying open.”  Well, at least he feels bad and seems to know the issue, right?  You don’t have a category for empathy in your league?  Can you check with your commish about adding it?  For unstints, if a player yawns after another player yawns, then they get an empathy point.  No?  Okay.  Hopefully, Morton can right the ship, but I can’t say I’m not concerned.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Can Carlos Rodon wait until the White Sox are done with their different-colored Sox counterparts before being reinstated from the DL?  I’m asking for us, because you’re not going to find a more caring fantasy baseball ‘pert.  I’m like your My Pillow, and I hug you like the My Pillow guy hugs his pillow.  In all his mustachioed glory and common man charms.  I nourish you like avocado toast and a warm glass of PBR.  You see that hammock in your backyard that those two squirrels are fornicating on?  Shoo them off the hammock, because that hammock is me on a cold, winter night when your wife kicks you out of the house when she catches you checking out a waitress.  Let’s snuggle.  Metaphorically!  What are you doing, you freak?!  Any hoo!  Rodon is due back, and not only is he a Buy, he’s also a hold in the video above because I don’t know how he’s going to look his first time back, i.e., he’s an own in all leagues.  He’s a 9.5+ K/9, high-3 xFIP guy.  If everything breaks right, he’s better than Lance McCullers.  Things break wrong?  Well, then you can drop him.  Grab him now, like I metaphorically grab you in your mind’s eye.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Did you hear about this Joc working overtime?  He was too uptight!  Take it, Highlights, it it yours!  One guy whose completely uptight in the forbidden Fruit of the Looms is Joc Pederson.  Yesterday, he went 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with his 5th and 6th homer.  That gives him five homers this week.  Yabba dabba drool!  “So, I was hoping to buy a screw in this hardware store, but I’m having lustly feelings about a Joc.  Will you serve me?”  That’s me walking into a hardware store in Tennessee.  Some of my hotter buys — buys I make while wearing a thong — are owned in more than 50% of leagues — Rendon, Desmond, etc. — but Joc is pretty sexy if he’s going right and available in a multitude of leagues.  By the by, someone who changes attitudes frequently has a multitude.  The royal we are talking about a guy in my Joc who could sneak into a 30+ homer, 7-steal season, and he’s not even hitting for a bad average this season (.272).  Giddy up on this Joc!  And that’s not the first time I’ve said that!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Finally, the Rays took a cue from Fox, and started Jake Bauers‘ clock.  Here’s an updated 24:  FBI agent, breathlessly, into a phone, “The President is in danger!”  Assistant to the FBI director lowers the phone, speaks to the director, less breathlessly, “Have you tried Thai basil chicken?”  FBI director, “Basil in Thai dishes always make me think there should be tomato sauce.  Ya know, Italians have that basil thing already.”  FBI agent into the phone, breathlessly, “Did you hear me, the President’s in danger!”  FBI assistant, “Um, yeah, you’ve been on vacay, and we’re no longer taking matters of the President’s safety as seriously as much as we once did.”  I keed!  Don’t hit me with your political agenda.  So, Jake Bauers was called up to presumably play every day.  I mean, if the Rays waited this long to bring him up, they’re not doing it for a bench bat.  He’s a little bit of everything vs. a lot of one thing, which is less exciting in short-term, but could be something long-term.  His Steamer projections are yawnstipating 7/8/.238 (click his name to see projections), but I could see him being a bit closer to 9/16/.265/.345.  Not bad, not great.  Breathlessly, “He’s okay.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Opening a gift, “Aw, geez, Kershaw, you didn’t have to give me your arm.”  That’s Ross Stripling at the office Christmas party.  “Don’t mention it.  Hey, Tommy Lasorda, could you get off my lap, my back is starting to hurt.  Also, you’re not wearing pants.”   I forget if I ever told you — the royal you since you’re wearing that Burger King crown — but a friend of mine told me Lasorda still goes to the Dodgers’ clubhouse to use the showers and likes to walk around naked.  How’s dem visuals!  By the by, I’ve reached the age where I forget if a friend of mine told me that, I heard it on the radio or if a commenter told me.  Welcome to your 40’s, you don’t look a day older than 27.  No, really, I don’t.  Anyhoo!  Last night Stripling did what he’s done all year — 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.52.  The slightly bizzonkers thing is his peripherals say he’s nearly this good — 11.1 K/9, 1.9 BB/9, 2.63 xFIP.  Don’t love he throws only 92 MPH, but he’s dominating with the curve.  He credits pitching coach, Rick Honeycutt, with his newfound success, saying he told him to throw the curve as hard as he can.  I see no velocity difference in his curve, according to the stats, but stats-schmats, Honeycutt-Schmoneycutt, whatever works.  At this point, hard to ignore the results(schmults).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball yesterday:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

During the slow Monday, when there was five games on the docket, and half of them were Yankees, I started thinking about some either/or’s.  Though maybe because I was listening to Elliott Smith — that guy was uplifting!  Luis Severino was out doing his norm — 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.20 and 0.93 WHIP with peripherals that are just as gorge — 10.7 K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 2.83 xFIP.  First either/or for you, wait for it, here it comes, follow the arrow –> Next year, Luis Severino or Kershaw?  Is it even close?  Don’t think it is.  Okay, next either/or, Luis Severino or every pitcher not named Max Scherzer?  Maybe, maybe not.  There’s pitchers with better peripherals than Severino right now — Scherzer, deGrom, Cole, Corbin, Kluber and Syndergaard.  Throwing the two Mets out because they’re injury risks; Corbin and Cole don’t have the track record; semicolons are fun.  That leaves us with Scherzer, Kluber and Severino.  So, three’s company, and Severino is Joyce DeWitt.  Come and knock on my door!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

From Fozzie Bear’s Big Book Of Side-Splitting Jokes (Please Laugh), “Why couldn’t you hear the guy who didn’t draft Michael Wacha?  He was Mike-less.  Wacha Wacha Wacha.”  “Did you see him pitch yesterday?  He was reWachable, knocking down Pirates like he was playing Wacha-Mole.  Wacha Wacha Wacha.”  “What do you get when you don’t listen to Grey’s preseason advice to draft Michael Wacha?  An unbearable fantasy baseball ‘pert giving I told you so’s.  Wacha Wacha Wacha.”  Yesterday, Michael Wacha took a no-hitter into the 8th inning, ending up with the line 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.41.  At one point in the 8th inning, he hit 97 MPH on the radar gun, which was the point when I licked my finger and touched the screen to listen for a sizzle.  Since I didn’t hear the sizzle, I tried the same with an electrical socket to make sure I was alive and not a ghost.  Turns out I’m alive, but with smoke coming out my ears.  Speaking of smoke coming out of one’s ears (taking that segue right off a cliff!), Blake Snell threw about as gemmy of a gem as you’re gonna find for someone gemming up the works — 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (0 walks), 12 Ks, ERA at 2.36.  Of course, Snell was yet another one of my preseason sleepers, but if only we had one more of my preseason sleepers that did well on Sunday to satisfy my Rule of Three craving.  Someone who was on no one’s radar for a reason I couldn’t quite understand.  Someone who hit three homers yesterday and has 13 homers on the year.  Wait, that did happen!  Eddie Rosario (3-for-5, 4 RBIs) went Bazooka Jack times three yesterday to seal one of the greatest days in the history of my life.  Sorry, wedding day, you’re moving down the list!  If you wanna bask in my glory:  here’s the Michael Wacha sleeper you ignored, the Blake Snell sleeper you missed and the Eddie Rosario sleeper you didn’t believe.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“You want me to list the eczema medication’s ingredients?  Can I ask you why?”  “JUST LIST THEM.”  “Okay, take it easy.  Propylene glycol, paraffin wax, pinetaroleum–”  “PINETAROLEUM IS NOT ALLOWED.  IT INDUCES A HIGHER SPIN RATE.”  That is part of a recurring dream Trevor Bauer has where he’s dressed as a TSA agent, while standing on the side of the Astros pitcher’s mound.  The dream always ends the same way.  Someone asks Trevor Bauer how does he account for Joe Musgrove being better after leaving the Astros and Bauer wakes in a sweat, screaming, “GERRIT COLE STOLE MY COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND!”  Joe Musgrove’s velocity is up, he’s throwing a cutter 15% of the time more and abandoned his curve altogether.  This has upped his ground balls (not literally) and made him a usable pitcher for all leagues, and around a 3.60 ERA pitcher.  Of course, he’s not a sub-1.00 ERA pitcher, as he is right now, but still ownable everywhere.  Though, I guess he could be a 1.00-ERA pitcher if his eczema medication has pinetaroleum.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

True Story Alert!  Justin Bieber used to live about two blocks away from Cougs and I.  Honestly, he might still live there, but I doubt it because I no longer go to the supermarket (block between us) and hear this, “BIEBER, I LOVE YOU.  HERE IS MY VIRGINITY.  LITERALLY TAKE IT FROM ME.  PLEASE!!!”  Also, I no longer have to jostle between TMZ cameramen for my kombucha.  Here’s a story about how he wanted to put a skatepark into his condo.  Dude, LA’s special.  Any hoo!  Yesterday, I was screaming like a 15-year-old girl for Shane Bieber to remove my sexual flower for the first few innings, then he ran into some trouble in the 5th, when it became apparent major league hitters (even the bottom of the Twins’ order; Ryan LaMarre, really?) are not quite who he was blowing away in the minors this year (1.05 ERA, 8.1 K/9, 0.5 BB/9).  He worked consistently down in the strike zone with a 93 MPH fastball, and broke off, uh, breaking stuff off down and outside.  There wasn’t a ton of hard contact until the 6th inning, which was a quick turnaround on a 5th inning, which saw him clearly winded — final line, 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (1 BB), 6 Ks.  I’m interested in him in deeper mixed leagues, but he looks like he will have the usual rookie pitcher lumps.  For what it’s Werth, he’s the 9th best starter on the Prospect-o-Nator, which lists all rookie pitcher projections.  Plus, no reports of this Bieber wanting a skatepark.  That’s good.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A no innings restriction Alex Reyes = Geez, first time that’s ever happened, usually I last much longer.  Yesterday, Reyes went 4 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks as he was activated.  But his rehab told me he was supposed to throw a complete game with 15 Ks!  What gives?  There was some concern his velocity dropped towards the end of yesterday’s start, but it seemed to me more like a situation where he was just gassed from not being able to find the plate, and he confirmed that after the game.  I’m still all-in on Reyes, but he might be more like every other pitcher who has ever had Tommy John surgery than we thought, i.e., lacking command for a month or two to regain mechanics, which is different than a bunch of balding guys at Pep Boys.  That’s Rogaine mechanics.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?