Yesterday, the Jays’ catcher prospect Danny Jansen was called up. Finally, the Jays are ready to move on with their prospects. *Vlad Jr. waves his hand, trying to get their attention* It took long enough, but finally the time is here. *Vlad Jr. takes out a bullhorn and blows it* Did you hear something? The Jays did…Danny Jansen’s bat! Jansen looks like an offensive-minded catcher in the mold of Jerry Tomato Realmuto (think 15/7/.280). I grabbed Jansen in one league, because, I had Cervelli, who has a magnet for foul balls on his face like Stormy Daniels, and Russell Martin is going to play third while Yangervis deals with an oblique strain and, shucks, if only the Jays had someone else to play third. *Vlad Jr. marches with color guards’ flags, waving them. Finally, Vlad Jr. sighs.* Damn, too bad. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Clearly, there’s a major issue here. The issue revolves around a few Buys this week. They are Mark Trumbo, Tim Beckham, Jonathan Villar and Trey Mancini. Any guesses their connection? No, they don’t all wear a bear costume during the offseason for bachelorette parties. I mean, they could, but no. I don’t think so. Their connection and the issue can be summed in this question, is the entire Orioles lineup really hot or have they just faced garbage pitching for the last week? I’d give you the answer, but I’d have to kill you, and I don’t know your address. I guess I have your IP, but is it roaming? VPN? Am I really traveling around to kill you when I could just not tell you the answer? That is the other choice here, right? Such a dilemma! Let me sleep on it. *pulls Murphy bed out of wall, lies down, Murphy bed flies up and traps me* Muffled screams, “Mark Trumbo has been the hottest hitter in the league! If you need power, I’d grab him in all leagues! Also, can you pull down this freakin’ bed?!” Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hello, I am Hunter Renfroe. I have homered in four straight games. I am also your father that is why I play for the Padres. Please, call me daddy. Not sure why I’m talking like a robot. Elon Musk has bought my body and repurposed my soul. By the by, you know what’s fun to do, next time you’re in a quiet place where people will be able to hear your phone, have Siri say, “You’re the reason the robots take over the world in the future.” And have Siri keep saying it while you look at the person next to you, then finally say to your phone, “Me or this guy?” Any hoo! Hunter Renfroe (2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer) sent the Padres into the Space Force! He has power (still makes no sense he’s hitting third, don’t care what he’s done), and I’d grab him if you need that. Him and Franmil Reyes (3-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and third homer in four games) have put on a show these last few days. Not sure why they’d hit the Brewers hard, they just traded for Jonathan Schoop. He’s a good pitcher, right? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s all Rangers, all the time up in this Mug’s Root Beer. You in your 90’s, “Hey, kiddo, I remember back in the August of 2018, this young man, Grey Albright. He had a full head of hair and a gorgeous hairlip. Well, that young squirrel talked at length about the Texas Rangers. Texas? You don’t remember that? It was a state. It became a part of Meh-eee-co after the War of 2020, when Admiral Kushner tried to invade Tijuana to erect a large-scale fence twenty yards from an already erected fence. Oh, well, it was nice talking to you, I’m going back to watch The Real Housewives of Miami Island.” Yesterday, Joey Gallo (3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer) lit up the scoreboard like the Macy’s Day Parade. Macy’s Day is a holiday when jeans you don’t want are purchased cheaply by relatives and handed to you, much to your chagrin. It’s a tradition; don’t act above it. You, “Can this guy really talk for 500 words about Joey Gallo without talking about Joey Gallo?” Just try me! So, Gallo is on pace for a nearly identical year to last year when he hit 41 HRs and .209. Right now, his average is at .202, but, don’t worry, he’s got at least .007 in that bat! His strikeout rate never budged from last year no matter what spring training narratives were saying about him cutting his Ks down. Have you seen his swing? He starts in Austin and ends in Arlington. Never the hoo! He is who he is, and good at what he does — hit bombs. Now, see you back here tomorrow for all the dirt on Isiah Kiner’s Korner with Falafel. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Felix Hernandez went 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.73 vs. Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.18. Or is that Bartolo Colon, weighing in at 518 pounds from parts unknown and ratios you don’t want to know? This matchup was billed as, “F-Her/Colon, rated NC-17. Or maybe simply NR, as in Not Recommended.” All kidding aside, F-Her’s fallen so far, Colon is outpitching him, and Colon is not outpitching anyone else. That’s a Trump tweeted, “Sad!” On the bright side, Rougned Odor (2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer) has rediscovered our love. Two years ago, Odor beat up Jose Bautista. Last year, he beat up his fantasy owners. This year, he’s beating back the beat like Vinny from The Jersey Shore. I’m glad I went back in on him because making up is sweeter than caramel honey on your bed sheets. (Is that an R. Kelly song? It should be.) I’d contend (for the featherweight title) that Odor really hasn’t done anything different this year. Yes, his walk rate is nearly double, but his BABIP has turned around. Here’s what that leads me to believe: You get a little bit luckier, so you don’t feel compelled to swing at everything, so you get more selective. It’s a self-fullfilling prophecy in direct opposition to what happened to him last year. Does this mean I’m going back in him for a third year in a row next year? Damn skippy! He can’t fail me again! (He totally can!) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Lance Lynn had to shave his beard to play for the Yankees, because the Yankees are fascists. I wish Giancarlo would grow a mustache as giant FU. What, are they going to bench him until he shaves? Actually, Giancarlo should carve an F and a U in both of his sideburns. That would be such a 1970’s move. You could see Willie Stargell, high as a kite, being like, “Carve, ‘Down with Whitey’ in my sideburns.” Little did we know a clean-shaven Lynn would be an all-new pitcher, throwing 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, ERA at 4.58. Prior to the trade, here’s the Twins pitching coach talking to the bullpen catcher, “Do you think Lynn might be dragging his right side a little bit because of all that facial hair?” “I don’t know, but Sasquatches have been deemed the new sexy ‘It Thing,’ so who’s to argue?” Yesterday, we saw more of Lynn (literally and figuratively) of what made him a solid starter in St. Louis for many years. His season numbers are still garbage but, if nothing else, the Stream-o-Nator loves his next start. If he can command his pitches, he could have a solid final seven weeks. It’s all about The Art of Shaving two walks off his rate. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Matt Olson, affectionately known as Allahson by people in Middle East Bay, hit his 22nd homer yesterday. An inconsequential home run to the game, but it’s a part of a larger tapestry. Khris Davis hit his 31st homer, his 4th homer of the week, but, again, pull back, view the larger picture. That home run didn’t matter! Speaking of a matter, Matt Chapman hit his 15th homer, as he hit out of the two-hole, because the A’s can. Sure, the A’s can and two-hole are synonymous. But, of course, all of this happened. Look at the larger picture! Trevor Cahill went 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.12, which is exactly what was always meant to happen. Don’t you see it yet? On Saturday, Edwin Jackson went 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.87. No one on the A’s will have a bad game this year. Know why? Are you pulled back far enough to see the larger picture? No one will have a bad game because no one sells their soul and doesn’t specify they want to be good until the end of the season. “Hey, cool horns and pitchfork. So, yeah, here’s my soul, and can you make me pitch well until the first week of August?” That would never happen! The A’s aren’t the best team in baseball without serious voodoo, soul-selling! I have it on good authority someone was seen in the A’s clubhouse with a 1970’s-style mustache hiding horns on top of their head! That’s the devil, unless Rollie Fingers remodeled his face. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know that expression, “If you’re alive long enough, you will see a time when Samoans are skinny, petite men who request silver dollar-sized coconuts to cover their nipples.” You don’t know it? That’s because I just made it up! You’ve been TRICK’D! It’s my spinoff of Punk’d with your host The Amazing Johnathan. The expression’s sentiments I just made up are accurate, however (as far as I’m concerned, and, sadly, this isn’t a democracy, and I’m the one that matters). The expression’s root is from the actual expression, “If you live long enough, you’ll experience everything.” This feels especially apt today because we’ve gone from wanting to own Miguel Sano, to cursing Miguel Sano, back to wanting to own him again. What’s next? A skinny Miguel Sano requesting smaller coconuts to cover his nipples! Okay, maybe not immediately, but if we live long enough! I don’t have any great hopes for Miguel Sano, but he’s owned in 30% of leagues and that seems low for even him. There’s not a ton of guys who can hit 15 homers from now until the end of the season; Sano’s on that list. Will it happen? I don’t know, maybe if we live long enough. Circular logic is your friend because it too can cover your nipples. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Know why Steve Pearce went off yesterday for three homers (3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 6th, 7th and 8th homer)? Because he’s only owned in 3% of fantasy leagues. That’s spiteful, Steve Pearce. Spite is one of the seven deadliest sins. Right after that soup the fat guy ate in Se7en. Not to be confused with Goop, which is Paltrow’s career after she stopped being harassed by Harvey Weinstein. Allow a gross, sweaty producer to rub his genitals against you in unwanted advances, win an Oscar. Sleep with that guy from Coldplay, do movies with Huey Lewis. Speaking of Coldplay, Pearce has been terrible for the last few weeks, but the Sawx have committed to Pearce in a favorable lineup spot, at least against lefties, which he’s rewarded them with solid production (hitting near-.360 vs. lefties). He’s not quite at a Goop-level bounce back, but he is above starring with Huey Lewis and/or Chris Martin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Kole Calhoun went 1-for-2 and his 14th homer and, seriously, how many home runs does he have since the break? 475? Am I warm? Because it feels like I’m super warm…*eyes drift to a mirror* …so super, super warm. Hot even. What’s your name? *snaps out of it* Damn it, reflection! Okay, starting a dynasty team, Trout or Calhoun? It’s too difficult to decide! What is this world coming to with the fire emoji that is Kole Calhoun in the last two weeks? I can’t handle it. Literally, and I’m wearing oven mitts. Here’s Calhoun two weeks ago: *opens DeLorean door* “I can go anywhere? How about Balco in 2001?” Somehow, Calhoun is only owned in 45% of leagues, which I hope means 55% of people are already checking out our fantasy football rankings. If not, shame. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?