Yesterday, it was a good day (freaking brothers every way like M.J.) to be an ace.  Corey Kluber went 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.57, pitching against the Tigers. One of the best, if not the best, pitchers goes against one of the worst, if not the worst, hitting teams, and you have a masterpiece by the pitcher.  Just be clause.  Qualifying, that is.  To not be outdone, Max Scherzer went 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.90, and stole his first base.  Take that, Ohtani!  Scherzer has 80 grade speed if he’s in a DeLorean and wants to go back to 1955.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m convinced you’d be better off if you ignored everything from Spring Training.  For every one thing you gleam from the spring that pays off, there’s five terrible habits you pick up like you’re a priest in The Keepers on Netflix.  Okay, maybe you would have seen Joey Gallo wasn’t striking out as much (barely has carried over), but you also would’ve seen Shohei Ohtani looking terrible.  Hat tip to someone on Twitter who screenshot this:

So many things wrong with this — Has Bryce Harper ever been bad?  I mean, maybe injured, but a bust?  WUT.  Also, it’s one thing to be concerned about Shohei Ohtani, but bust?  He hadn’t pitched one inning in the major leagues by that point and was being drafted around 100th overall.  Bust?  It was a gamble, risk was baked in.  Yesterday, Shohei Ohtani bust…ed out!  (See what I did there?)  He went 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 hit, 1 walk), 12 Ks.  Good luck convincing someone he’s a bust now when trading for him.

The other pitcher with “Otani” in their last name is Jameson Taillon who went 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.26.  Last year, I suggested to get his feng shui back, to find his equilibrium, because he couldn’t pitch with one testicle missing, I suggested he put a walnut in his jock strap for balance.  Well, I’m not saying he took my advice, but, yesterday, Jameson Taillon gave up one hit.  Imagine he was a eunuch?  He’d be Sandy Koufax!  Wait, was that why Koufax had a girl’s first name?  For a while last year, Taillon was treating the surviving twin like a punch bag, but he looks back to the potential ace he once was.  Go get ’em, Jameson Walnut!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

For thousands of millennia, which is millions of years, Samoans were a persecuted people, due to their big bones.  One Samoan, Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la told one reporter, “If you ordered a flank steak, and got a thick ribeye, you’d be so pleased,” then Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la got choked up, “But if you order a five-foot, six-inch man and get a 485-pound man wearing a grass skirt, you make fun.”  However, through all this ridicule, the Samoans always had their main industry on the island.  An industry that sustained their people.  An industry that brought everyone together.  However, this industry has taken a hit this last year.  This industry is manufacturing tiki torches.  Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la said, “Now tiki torches make us racist?!  We’re big-boned Islanders, we can’t be racist!”  Now, the Samoan people may have had their torches snuffed, but have a new bright spot:  Sean Manaea.  He’s not big-boned and he has no apostrophes in his last name, but I can assure you he is Samoan.  He’s also a straight dazzlenozzle so far this year.  His command is at a minuscule 0.6 K/9, and his xFIP is 3.40.  His velocity is a little off, and his Ks haven’t been outstanding, but in the early going, with pitching as it’s been, I’d buy Manaea everywhere.  If not for him, do it for Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If I had to choose a background song for my Michael Conforto feelings right now, it would be Lucinda Williams’ Those Three Days.

You say there’s always gonna be his swing,
So many DL days filled with screams,
Conforto’s news crawl across my screen,
Shows how he hit an oppo taco that sent him home,
Now he’s beneath my skin.
Underneath my dress, stick their tongues (figuratively),
The first game back a dong, and I am so effin’ alone!
Since those five days.
If I could’ve just waited out his DL trip of five days!
Those five days!
Did you not want me in five days?
Did you not want me in five days?
Did you not love me more than Mitch Haniger?
Just for those five days!

I’m literally standing on my table, crying, singing Lucinda Williams.  I’m wrecked.  I might need a new hobby.  So, Michael Conforto — 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer — came back way quicker than I expected, and I’m feeling major regret that I don’t own him.  I still think shoulder injuries are tricky — to rock a rhyme, that’s right on time (callback to title!) — but I wish I had a share of him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I believe in all of my sleepers.  Yes, even you, Kevin Gausman, but you need to show some intestinal fortitude and less IBS!  However, you can only give your sleepers so much leash if they don’t perform immediately.  You need to get a taste of the good stuff early on or you might have to abandon ship.  For instance, you go into an ice cream shop and you get a taste of the Rocky Road, but they give you a sample with no marshmallows, no nuts, no fudge swirl — they just give you a taste of chocolate.  Dubya tee eff!  You have to sample on the swirl!  That’s what Patrick Corbin did yesterday, he sampled on the swirl.  He went 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.38.  I gave you a Patrick Corbin sleeper this preseason, and he’s all up on that swirl.  Giving his owners a swirly even.  Hmm, maybe not that.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Didi, Didi, can’t you see, sometimes your home runs hypnotize me?  Or how about, Gre-Gre-Gregorius?  Gre-Gre-Gregorius… Gregorius sung by Duran Duran or Biggie work for me.  Fun fact!  Duran Duran is the past tense of Da Doo Run Run Da Doo Run Run.  Bit a of a trivia whiz, though I did need to Google to see if it was spelled whiz or wiz.  Did you know Truvia was discovered by someone sniffing artificial sweetener off a Trivial Pursuit card?  Any hoo!  Didi Gregorius went goofy time, there’s always money in the banana stand, crying at the end of The Last American Virgin but with tears of joy, with himself yesterday — 4-for-4, 3 runs, 8 RBIs and two homers (1, 2). His first homer went 346 feet, which is almost three and half Cespedes.  I was way off Didi in the preseason, but that was almost (exactly) five games ago, let’s forget about that!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Padres starters give me the feels; Mariners starters start the underneath tinglings; Dodgers starters feather enthusiasm on the undercarriage.  Reds starters?  That park is so blech.  Luis Castillo’s sexy, but, again, that park and…I trail off, thinking about whatever happened to Better Call Saul, did that show end?  When my thoughts drift back, I remember what I was thinking about, and see Tyler Mahle.  More like Tyler Mehle was my thought.  Now?  After watching him dismantle the Cubs?  Color me intrigued, with a red paintbrush.  Yesterday, Mahle went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks.  He looked shaky as all get out to start the game — walked Happ, Bryant lined out hard, hit Rizzo, then he said, “Good morning, good afternoon, and–Well, I already have two outs, so I’ll have to say good night in the next inning.”  And he did.  He settled down after that, and no one looked close to starting a rally.  He had a bit of luck at one point by getting to face the opposing Tyler after giving up a triple to Baez, but Mahle didn’t exude a whole lot of sweat beads otherwise.  I’ve seen more sweat on a girl doing a Tyler Chatwood, which is a euphemism for tying a cherry stem into a knot with your mouth while seamlessly carrying on a conversation.  I grabbed Mahle in one league for his next start vs. the Pirates, and plan on going one start at a time for now, but I’m encouraged.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There’s nothing better than an April Fools’ prank that is so sly it’s barely perceptible as a prank.  You don’t even know if it’s a gag.  One year, I had a sound engineer friend make a recording that said, “This call is being recorded.  A copy of that recording is available automatically to the police and the prosecutors.”  Then used that to call my mom and tell her I was in jail for accidentally running down a family of four.  “But mom the light was yellow!”  Apparently, I overestimated how funny she’d find that phone call, and twelve years later, she still calls me the night before April Fools’ to remind me not to pull any pranks on her.  This year the best prank I saw was one done by Major League Baseball.  It was so slight, if you blinked you’d miss it.  For their prank, they scheduled a half day on a Sunday.  Since 1908, MLB has played a full schedule of games on Sunday.  What a great joke!  Well done, MLB.  But, seriously, this is a joke, right?  Any hoo!  Know what’s not a joke, the love Trevor Williams has for Razzball, apparently:

Yesterday, Williams wasted no time to prove to me that his love for us is as strong as my love for him.  He went 6 IP, 0 ER with zero hits, but he failed to locate as well, and walked five guys, while racking up only one strikeout.  I believe his love for Razzball is only growing so this is just the beginning of great things to come.  Notice spelling of ‘come,’ you sickos.  On the reals, I like Williams for this year, and wrote a Trevor Williams sleeper for him this preseason.  Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Lights a candle, and shakes out the match.  The candelabra illuminates a cave.  I carefully move towards a sleeping figure, reaching down and shaking the Buy/Sell out of its slumber.  “Hey, wake up, it’s a new season.”
The Buy/Sell stretches its arm and yawns loudly.  “Is it September already?”
“No, it’s March, it’s a new baseball season.”
“Baseball, riiiiight.  The thing with the racket.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”  In quick cuts, I see the Buy/Sell’s shirt reads Buy/Sell in smears of blood.  Cowering away, I trip, only to realize I’ve fallen on the entrails of the real Buy/Sell.
“I’m the new Buy/Sell now!”  Then it laughs ghoulishly, gnashing its fangs.  So, Scott Kingery made the team.  I know, I didn’t expect it either, but good for the Phils.  They made the bold choice, and the bold are rewarded, which sounds like a 1970’s cigarette campaign.  “Winston Lights, The Bold are Rewarded.”  Lance Broz…etc. gave you his Scott Kingery fantasy before it was official Kingery would start the year with the Phils, but it looked to be headed there, which is why it’s so frustrating that I didn’t move on him quicker (Kingery not Lance.  “When you’re a fantasy baseball blogger, they just let you move on them.”).  But data shows that Kingery is still available in a ton of leagues, and is an immediate buy everywhere.  In the video, Anime Grey has some more words on Kingery.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

For Opening Day, I woke up at the crack of dawn on the West Coast, because no one in this godforsaken country cares about the West Coast.  Once I had my coffee and vape set up for a full day of baseball, I saw the Pirates/Tigers game was postponed and thought about how they should have their seasons postponed.  “I Mahtook you for a friend of the Tooks!”  That’s Mikie Mahtook.  Finally, I opened the MLB app on my iPad to find I had forgotten my password.  Cut to two hours later, and I was ready to watch some baseball!  Then Carlos Martinez gave up multiple runs on multiple fantasy teams of mine and I was ready to nap again.  Ah, it’s good to be back!  Speaking of which, I’ll trade you Carlos Martinez for a bag of Dick Pole’s.  Doesn’t matter which bag.  Maybe the one Salvador Perez was carrying.  You know what would’ve been Sweet Baby Jesus of me?  If I benched that goofy-haired, can’t-keep-his-hands-to-himself Cardinals pitcher.  Not to worry, I had Chris Archer going later in the day.  *sees Kiermaier and Span misplay a Eduardo Nunez ball into an inside-the-parker, crawls under bed*  Fantasy baseball:  When everyday stress is just not enough.  Any hoo!  It’s good to be back, now let’s get down to business.  Matt Davidson went 3-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs with his 1st, 2nd and third homer.  Someone wants to be Tuffy Rhodes.  “Not bad for five innings.”  Oh, shut up, Mark Whiten!  Do we have our first hot schmotato?!  I schmay schwe schdo!  Sounded better in my head!  Davidson won’t be in today’s Buy column, but he could’ve been.  I grabbed him in my RCL, because I’m in straight panic mode and Joe Panik is already owned!  Yes, there’s a Buy/Sell later today.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?