When you’re hot for two straight weeks, you’re talking in sexy whispers on my earlobes.   If Avisail Garcia and Mike Trout are filming a body-switch movie, I never want it to end.  For years I’ve remarked — I’m a remarker, yo! — that Avisail looks like Mini Miggy, now he’s actually hitting like him.  “Miggy, that is the first time in two years we’ve made love without you screaming your back hurts,”  Mrs. Miggy rolls over.  Avisail Garcia smiles wickedly at the camera.  Yesterday, he homered two more times (3-for-6, 3 runs, 6th and 7th homers), and now has six homers in the last week, and he hit .330 last year.  Sure, we can pee in the electrical blanket by talking about his BABIP last year, but there is no excuse for Garcia being on waivers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Across the media landscape yesterday, people who vaguely know sports were giving hot takes like, “Cleveland lost their sports hero.”  “What do we hang on this LeBron sports banner now?”  “All Cleveland has left is the Browns, what will they ever do?”  I blame myself.  People don’t know baseball like they should.  That pains me.  What MLB was hoping for from Judge and Giancarlo is currently going on with Francisco Lindor (2-for-4, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .298) and Jose Ramirez (2-for-4, 15th steal, hitting .298) and people outside of Cleveland have no idea.  Don’t worry, you’re not absolved of blame either.  I blame you, as well.  We need to shout from the rooftops at what these two are doing.  They are neck-and-neck in the top five on the Player Rater.  I can’t remember another time two teammates, who are hitters, were both in the top five.  (If you can think of an instance, hit me up in the comments.  I racked my brain, which is to say I placed my head on a video of a stripper’s rack.)  Together, they are worth nearly $90!  To swoop your pretty face back to the preseason, if your team added up to $260, you were at least working on even money.  Combined they’re worth more than a third of a total team!  Which one of them is going to end up worth more?  No idea, but this will be the greatest battle since Apollo-Rocky I.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This weekend, I was kneeling in a garden, tending to my Monkey Face Orchid, when I heard some commotion outside my greenhouse.  It was my much, much older wife, Cougs, screaming, “Grey!  They’ve come for you.”  It was the Rockies, and they were trying to send me to the minors.  They trampled over my azaleas with their jackboots, dragging me through the soil, ruining my suspenders.  I tried to tell them, “You have the wrong man!”  Finally, they heard my pleas and checked my state ID card.  Before they left, I asked, “Who are you looking to send to the minors?”  They replied, “Jon Gray,” and I began to scream again, “Please!  Take me instead!”  So, Jon Gray was optioned to the minors.  Can’t say I fully blame the Rockies, but, of course, I can try.  Have the Rockies heard of underlying peripherals?  Sure, the results have been miserable, but it’s Coors and everything says Gray should be much better.  You really have a better replacement pitcher who is worth ruining your best pitcher’s confidence?  He has the 6th best xFIP in the league with an 11.6 K/9.  I honestly can’t even with the Rockies.  They are the worst.  Then, they brought up Raimel Tapia to fill the roster spot, so, of course, Tapia will sit on the bench.  WHAT THE HOLY EFF ARE THE ROCKIES DOING?!  Caps for emphasis and the hyperopic.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I was combing through pictures on the subreddit r/WaffleHouseHotcakesShapedLikePresidents, marveling at a hotcake shaped like Harry S. Truman — did you know the S stood for Syrup?  Then I clicked on the Reddit user who posted that pic, Ididyourmomssomanytimes, to see what other things besides Truman hotcakes they were interested in, and I saw they were also on r/fantasybaseball, only this was fantasy as in D&D and Cecil Cooper was a wizard and the father of the little black kid in Stranger Things.  Any hoo!  If I were on the real fantasy baseball subreddit, I’d find a lot of talk about Kyle Tucker, this you can be sure of, said like Gordon Ramsay.  Tucker is already stashed by Prospector Ralph in my RCL — that *ucker!  Why the hype?  Pardon me as I sprinkle chia seeds on your brain.  He’s hitting .315 in Triple-A with 12 HRs, 13 SBs and he’s only 21 years old.  Kinda unfair that the Astros have this waiting in the wings, but, since they do, you know they will not wait very long to come him up, since (two since’s one sentence, grammar!) they are playing to win it all.  So, what are you waiting for to grab Tucker?  Cecil Cooper’s put a spell on your arms?  Aw, shucks.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Zack Greinke went 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, hitting .300–Oops, sorry!  The only pitcher whose hitting stats matter are Shohei Ohtani, because he can’t pitch anymore.  That tracks logically.  Has any site that made Ohtani a hitter and pitcher clarified why?  Because there was public pressure to make him both?  Because he was going to do both?  Doesn’t every pitcher do both?  Ohtani’s not going to throw more than 50 IP this year, which is, what, a quarter of a full season for a starter?  That’s doing both?  I know, I’m just being a hater, but it does feel like there was a double standard given to Ohtani without him actually doing anything, and he had 25 IP thrown dating back to 2016.  Any hoo!  Greinke!  Yes, he was awesome again — 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.41.  His peripherals are also one of the few pitchers who is doing well that could do better — 9.4 K/9, 1.7 BB/9, 3.35 xFIP.  His velocity is down two miles per hour and I’d be lying if I said I was going after him hard, unless, of course, he’s eligible as a hitter.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

To paraphrase DJ Khaled, “We got a Minor key alert!  Another one.”  To paraphrase the cops that arrested Principal Rooney, “This is because of the Minors.”  *Donald Trump looking at the Rangers’ rotation*  “Glad to see Cole/Minor’s jobs are secure.”  Over Mike Minor‘s last four starts, he has a 2.06 ERA, 18 Ks, 5 BBs and 15 hits in 26 innings, after his sparkling one last night when he threw 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.64.  I know what you’re thinking, it was vs. the Padres.  Right, one of those starts was, the other ones were the Astros, Twins and Rockies.  So, it’s not all smoke and Minors.  Minor’s peripherals are nothing to write home about (unless his family lives in the Appalachian Trail, then they might like to hear from a Minor) — 7.4 K/9, 2 BB/9, 4.50 xFIP.  So, it’s been a good run (not Niko), but I can’t say I trust him in the big picture, unless it’s about Cole/Minor’s daughter, Loretta Lynn, played with spunk by Sissy Spacek (Spunky Spacek?  Sissy Spunkit?  Spunky Spunkit?).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The joy you get from watching someone grab Freddy Peralta off waivers, then he throws a terrible start is Schadenfreddy.  However, he doesn’t throw terrible starts, so what does that leave us with if we don’t own Peralta, but we long for him?  Freddy Kreager beaver?  (They get worse, so skim with your eyes if you must.)  Freddy Appetizeralta?  Freddeeeeeeesire…..  I wanna know what the Brewhaha is about, Freddy got fingered by someone other than me?  *drops mic, mic lands on foot*  Ouch.  Yesterday, Freddy Peralta did as he’s done a couple of times before — 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.59 thru three starts.  I don’t think he’s quite this good, let’s get that out of the way right now, said like Gordon Ramsay.  He is good, though, and I’ve been telling you to own him since he was called up.  He’s short (for a pitcher, still towers over me), but has strike out stuff (12.8 K/9 in Triple-A).  His delivery corkscrews out into a, “Get me some boxed vino, I’m a wild man,” pushing a 4+ BB/9, so there’s gonna be some ugly starts at some point, but I would still grab him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

At least they weren’t no-hit, that’s what I always say.  Then I follow it with #getstrapped or whatever 50 Cent says now.  This is not going to be out on a limb or anything, but celebrities were better when we had no idea what they were thinking.  Imagine Liberace on Twitter in the 1950’s, “YAASSS girl, I am here for this, sippin’ my tea.”  Yo, Liberace, sure YAASSS Girl’s a lot for a guy who was quoted in the Confidential as saying, “Mature Women Are Best: TV’s Top Pianist Reveals What Kind of Woman He’d Marry.”  Maybe that would’ve been awesome.  I don’t know, I’m not a time traveler.  However, if I were, I would’ve made sure everyone read my Blake Snell sleeper (segue, snitches!).  (Isn’t it weird present and past tense read are the same?  Am I the only one that never guesses right?  Any hoo!)  Tis true that I didn’t even expect Snell to be this dominant.  Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.31.  He has the 7th best ERA, 19th best strikeout rate (10), 30th best xFIP (3.64), 13th best swinging strike rate (13) and 8th worst contact rates (71.2%).  Super shorthand, if you’re throwing pitches and hitters are not making contact, you’re doing exactly what you should be doing.  Hard to imagine his ERA staying quite that low all year, but he has made the jump to a top 15 starter, and maybe higher.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Mets started Jerry “Mathers As The” Blevins yesterday (as a starter; not because the Mets are ‘bullpenning’ but because they are bullsh*tting), taking advantage of the Mets waving the white (person sitcom star) flag was everyone on the Dodgers.  First up, Enrique Hernandez (3-for-6, 3 runs, hitting .232) as he hit his 11th and 12th homer in Metco.  Or as Jesse Jackson would say, “Kike homered in Jaime town.”  By the by, players who Hernandez has more homers than (this is gonna make you cry):  Jose Abreu, Bregman, Dozier, Ozuna, Matt Chapman and Smoak, to name but a few.  I’ve been rocking Enrique — sounds Enrisqué! — for the whole year in an NL-Only league, but he doesn’t play every day (unlike all those schmohawks he’s besting on power).  Next up, Cody Bellinger (2-for-5, hitting .239) as he hit his 14th and 15th homer.  I get the sense that people think Cody’s absolutely bombing out his sophomore year.  Not close.  He’s not repeating his great rookie year (yet), but he is top 75-ish on the Player Rater and could easily be top 30 on the year with one extended hot streak.  Lastly, Max Muncy (2-for-5) hit his 15th homer, or as I like to call him, This Year’s Chris Taylor.  Muncy is having a legitimate breakout, or the Dodgers are slowly poisoning Taylor to make Muncy look great for a case of Muncyhausen By Proxy.  I think it’s the former, but a teamster smoking may not be the only one leaning on the latter.  To buy Muncy’s breakout, you have to buy a near-30% HR/FB, but he is top 35 for exit velocity, top 10-ish for hard contact percentage, and 2nd for Barrels.  What does all this mean?  The breakout looks real and beautiful.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Here’s what I’ve said previously about Aaron Hicks, “Open Up and Buy AH, because owning Aaron Hicks is Nothin’ But A Good Time!  Also, a good time is searching any girl’s name from Rock of Love with your parental controls turned off.  Okay, I have a few Bee Tee Dubs here.  Unless you have a child, you don’t set parental controls on your TV.  You can filter what you see without magically stumbling on porn.  The internet though?  You need parental controls on it, no matter if you’re home, at work, 12 years old, 64 years old, at school or on the john.  You can Google something as innocuous as “Persian cucumber” with no parental controls and all hell breaks loose in your search results.  “Oh em gee, I just wanted a recipe for a cucumber salad!  And, wow, I didn’t know Omar Sharif had so many nude scenes.”   Bee tee dubya II, we’re due for a terrible 80’s hair band renaissance.  Someone needs to do a cover of a Poison song.  Bee tee dubya III, there is no bee tee dubya III.  Bee tee dubya IV, I have this nugget in my brain that says, even though I was only 14 years old, I knew how awful Poison was at the time.  Like, when they did Your Mama Don’t Dance, a big part of me knew they were absolutely terrible, even then.  Any hoo!  Hey, any hoo’s initials are Aaron Hicks.  Coinkydink?  Thinks not.  He’s on a 162-game pace of 25 HRs, 15 SBs and a .260 average.  Of course, that doesn’t matter.  We just want a hot player at this point, and, on our 7-day Player Rater, he’s near top 25, and should be owned everywhere.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Yes, the royal we (which is me wearing a Burger King crown) have been here before, but every year it’s the same story with Hicks, until he gets hurt.  Hey, he’s more predictable than that hair band renaissance apparently!  For now, Hicks is healthy, and should be owned.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?