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Yesterday, Hunter Brown (2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 16.43) reinvented doomscrolling. Doomscrolling is now the act of frantically searching your fantasy teams to see if you have Hunter Brown anywhere. I literally dropped him the day before this start to pick up Brandon Marsh and now I am forever indebted to Brandon Marsh. I will be sending Brandon Marsh a ham for Christmas. I won’t even make a bad pun on the attached card wishing him a Happy Christmarsh. Hunter Brown vs. Bored of Education But I Ain’t Yawning If You Talk About Bobby Witt Jr. Yesterday, Witt went 4-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs with a double slam (3, 4) and legs (3). He has 30+ homer power and 50+ steal speed, and might hit .280, i.e., if anyone’s going to supplant Acuña at the top of the fantasy baseball heap, it’s not crazy to think it could be Witt. I don’t say this neither willy or nilly. To Witt, his steal yesterday was as good an indication of what there is to love about him. He stole 2nd base in a 9-3 game in the 6th. I love that. That’s what I want from all my players. Just a reckless abandon of piling on of stats! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brady Singer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.98. Love to say how great he looked, but if he didn’t have a nine-run lead by the 2nd inning, I’m not sure this start would’ve been a positive. Meh, it’s fine, though. Not like you can sell him for anything. Ride the lightning.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Ay yo, it’s Vinnie Bagadonuts, and I’m back into it like liquored-up fruit in cannoli creme.

Yainer Diaz – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Ya know what’s a little weird? Usually catchers who play another position (Yainer DHs) are driven way up in drafts, but Yainer stayed pretty affordable. I said “a little weird” not interesting or funny.

Seth Brown – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Go ahead and [google Seth Brown sleeper] I’m kidding! Clear your browser cache! Do not google that! Please! It was a mistake!

JP Sears – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.17. More like JP Gucci! Paying brand name for Sears because he’s going into Texas and laying them out like he’s Ippei with $16 millies on the game. The stars of the A’s game yesterday were Brown/Butler/Sears, which sounds like a product that was discontinued in the 1950s. Streamonator likes his next start, and I could see it.

Jon Gray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.38. I could’ve used that win. No, I haven’t hit my head thinking I’m Jon Gray. Grey could’ve used Gray’s win vs. the A’ss.

Jared Jones – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.00. That’s Orenthal Jared Jones to you, because he’s a killer! True story alert! Once did some writing for The Naked Gun guys and in their office they had a photo of the white Bronco chase signed by OJ Simpson, and I said, “You got OJ to sign it?” And one of them was like, “No, fuck him. Jim (Abrahams) signed his name. Let him sue us for forgery.” Orenthal Jared Jones looked better than his line, for what it’s Cronenworth. Ya know who looked better than Jones though?

Ranger Suarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.65. I have Suarez in a bunch of leagues, and I’m asking sincerely: Did you have to draft an ace when you could have Ranger Suarez around 250 overall?

Alec Bohm – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Good try, man! I’ve already dropped him for (insert corner infidel off waivers who you’re going to want to drop by Monday). He’s so much better too!

Bryson Stott – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. If you’ve wanted to drop Stott because he had a bad eleven games, I am judging you. I’m sorry, I am.

Brandon Marsh – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in four games, and so hot he made me drop Hunter Brown two days ago to pick him up, so he saved me there too! Happy Christmarsh to me! Marsh won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could’ve been. He’s here now! Just grab him!

Colton Cowser – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd major league homer. He’s also hitting around .500 since February. I don’t know about his stupid platooning, but they’re not going to be able to take him out of the lineup soon.

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. After living through the dry years of Baltimore, they are awash in fun.

Anthony Santander – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Still think he should be traded for an arm and Kjerstad should be promoted or Mayo or any of their Triple-A hitters, but Santander is hitting third every game in a great lineup.

Grayson Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Hey, one love, but his opponent’s pitching (Whitlock) looked better yesterday. Grayson didn’t look bad though, and I still love my one true boychik.

Garrett Whitlock – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.26. Sawx rotation is a sneaky top five rotation in baseball.

Jose Quintana – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Mets jumped out to a huge early lead and Quintana cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W. Streamonator likes his next one and I could see it.

DJ Stewart – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer this week, which I know without looking because I’m getting sonavabenched by him in one NL-Only league. Don’t cry for me, you empath, I started Olivares over him and he homered twice in my lineup. Will DJ Stewart be in this afternoon’s Buy column? C’mon.

Allan Winans – 5 IP, 6 ER. [sees picture of him] Ahem, that’s Allan Ivory Winans.

Shohei Ohtani – His translator pled guilty to stealing $16 million. [standing by ATM with my friend Ippei Mizuhara] “These casino ATMs have an exorbitant withdrawal fees so I usually go to the 7/11–Oh, I see, to avoid the withdrawal fees, you just took out $16 million, smart.” [later on phone with my friend Ippei Mizuhara] “You bet sixteen million on the White Sox to win the World Series? Wow, man, I don’t know.” For those that were worried about Ohtani being suspended for being robbed, I am once again asking, how would he ever get caught? In Vegas for the Main Event, there were people who passed on Ohtani in drafts for fear of suspension, which shows you how little people who seemingly know things know so little. In that department, this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. This is a Harvard Law professor:

A Harvard Law professor has never heard of embezzlement. Incredible. Some would say, fitting. Hold up! Ippei turned off Ohtani’s email notifications from Bank of America? The horror! Oh my God! That is worse than stealing $16 million. This is a breach of trust between Ohtani, Ippei and Gmail.