Please see our player page for Jose Quintana to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

Daydream Bieber is a homecoming KEEEEEEN-ing-ing-ing-iiiiing.  If you could’ve heard that in my head, you’d be like, “Damn, Grey’s got some pipes!”  I think I might be tone deaf.  Is there anyway to know for sure?  Because I hear myself and I sound fine, and then I hear Jennifer Hudson and I’m like, “I sound like her in my head.”  Is that tone deaf?   My dog, Ted, is colorblind.  In other words, Ted doesn’t discriminate.  Therefore, maybe tone deaf is the perfect set of ears because it doesn’t discriminate sounds.  Also, do you think my dog translates everything I say into barks?  I’m a curious person probably why I’m off the Mensa scale — or Womensa scale or non-binarysa scale.  Any hoosies!  Shane Bieber threw 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks yesterday and dazzled again, though some of those dazzlers were mixed in with frowny faces — sad-dazzlers?  Sadazzlers?  Frownedazzlers?  Trapped myself into a portmanteau loop and there’s no way out!  I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for his upcoming starts, but for 2019 there’s very little to be pessimistic about with Bieber.  His 9.6 K/9, 1.7 BB/9 and 3.24 xFIP are things of beauty.  If he can do that in 2019, Bieber could easily back himself into a top 40 starter season and a fantasy number three with flashes of two.  I’m down for that even if there’s some frownedazzlers mixed in!  Sadazzlers?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Everyone is so sad at the Shohei Ohtani news that he needs Tommy John surgery.  People being sad at this has me gobsmacked.  He had elbow problems when he signed with the Angels, then a Grade 1 sprain of his UCL became a partial tear in June.  He threw a whopping 25 IP the previous year.  Were people really ostrich’ing their heads into the sand to the point where they didn’t see the writing on the wall?  Of course, he needs Tommy John surgery.  How is this awful news?  It was awful news for Angels fans when we first heard of the elbow issues.  It’s not awful news now.  It’s actually great news because he has a chance to be healthy again in 2020, instead of becoming Garrett Richards, Tyler Skaggs, Matt Shoemaker and every other pitcher the Angels shoved towards PRP injections rather than getting them healthy.  Did people really think pitching a guy was the answer to a torn UCL?  Seriously, people thought this?  Sad news that people are surprised by the least surprising thing since finding out taco diarrhea burns.  This would be like a memo coming out of Nike headquarters that says something like, “This Kaepernick thing is great for business, who cares about the politics?”  You mean a company is trying to sell products?  Get out of here!  You want seriously sad news?  Ohtani and the Angels haven’t decided he will have Tommy John surgery yet.  That’s sad!  Maybe they’ll just let him be a hitter as he was yesterday (4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (17, 18) and legs (7) and mouth-to-mouth’d a baby chick back to life).  A torn UCL hasn’t looked that good since LiAngelo Ball tried to get paid twice from selling one ripped jersey in China.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Guess I pointed you to the wrong White Sox prospect in Friday’s Buy.  Hahaha, no.  I didn’t.  I pointed you to a top hitting prospect that can help you this year.  Michael Kopech is a rookie pitcher.  A boneheaded one.  He used to date the daughter of the crazy white lady from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, then he started that girl from Riverdale, and I guess when I say Kopech is boneheaded, I should explain I wouldn’t mind boneheading like him.  Yo dude is a baller!  He’s also legit dopey.  At one point, he broke his hand by punching his teammate.  This guy has years of ridiculousness headed our way, and we should be grateful for that.  As grateful because he’s the top pitching prospect on Prospect Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects, and PR’s said, “Kopech is in my opinion the top ‘fantasy baseball’ pitching prospect in the game. What I mean by that is, on, say, a mainstream list (see: BA, BP, BABP, Fangraphs, etc.) they’ll focus more on the risk vs. upside balance.  Me, I’m going upside, as you always should with pitching prospects in fantasy.  Kopech has the potential to lead MLB in strikeouts one day, with his plus-plus triple digit fastball that runs in on righties, a plus slider that flashes plus-plus at times, and an improving changeup. Kopech has all-world stuff, unlike Grey who has all-stupid stuff.”  What the hell, brah?!  Real world comparison, Kopech is Syndergaard with command issues right now, but those could clear up quickly; he’s only 22.  He’s a grab in all leagues, but as I said in the opening, rookie pitchers provide headaches, so expectations in Czech.  (Damn, should’ve never bought that discounted Siri.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to point out our fantasy football leagues are currently signing up, you have a one in three shot of winning $250 (odds may vary depending on if you’re calculating odds correctly.)  Anyway II, the roundup:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rick Porcello said of his catcher, Sandy Leon, “He’s the best catcher I’ve ever thrown to.  Period.”  It’s a shame people don’t end include other forms of punctuation when speaking.  “I am the Red Sox ace.  Question mark.  No, I forgot about Chris Sale.  Period.  Actually, exclamation mark.  The best Red Sox pitchers.  Colon.  Not Bartolo.  Period.  I’m going to list them.  Period.  Okay.  Comma.  Damn.  Comma.  I apostrophe V-E confused myself.”  Yesterday, Porcello threw a sparkler — 7 IP, 2 hits, 0 walks, 1 ER, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.04, and roped a double to right, which is fun in a dog on rollerblades-type way, but is kinda irrelevant.  What’s less irrelevant, Rick Porcello is pitching better this year than his Cy Young year, though with less ERA to show for it, obviously.  That could change in the final six weeks if he finds his groove.  Period.  Ya know what, exclamation mark.  Strike that, interrobang.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s all Rangers, all the time up in this Mug’s Root Beer.  You in your 90’s, “Hey, kiddo, I remember back in the August of 2018, this young man, Grey Albright.  He had a full head of hair and a gorgeous hairlip.  Well, that young squirrel talked at length about the Texas Rangers.  Texas?  You don’t remember that?  It was a state.  It became a part of Meh-eee-co after the War of 2020, when Admiral Kushner tried to invade Tijuana to erect a large-scale fence twenty yards from an already erected fence.  Oh, well, it was nice talking to you, I’m going back to watch The Real Housewives of Miami Island.”  Yesterday, Joey Gallo (3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer) lit up the scoreboard like the Macy’s Day Parade.  Macy’s Day is a holiday when jeans you don’t want are purchased cheaply by relatives and handed to you, much to your chagrin.  It’s a tradition; don’t act above it.  You, “Can this guy really talk for 500 words about Joey Gallo without talking about Joey Gallo?”  Just try me!  So, Gallo is on pace for a nearly identical year to last year when he hit 41 HRs and .209.  Right now, his average is at .202, but, don’t worry, he’s got at least .007 in that bat!  His strikeout rate never budged from last year no matter what spring training narratives were saying about him cutting his Ks down.  Have you seen his swing?  He starts in Austin and ends in Arlington.  Never the hoo!  He is who he is, and good at what he does — hit bombs.  Now, see you back here tomorrow for all the dirt on Isiah Kiner’s Korner with Falafel.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If Travis Scott were playing Draft, he would say, “straight from Mexico, call her Quintana!” Jose Quintana was able to get himself back on track in his last start, throwing six innings with six strikeouts, no walks, and just one earned run. Granted, it was against the Padres, but he gets another easy matchup against the Royals tonight. Kansas City has a pitiful .293 wOBA versus lefties this year, which is even worse than the Padres mark. He should also have no problem getting a win against Heath Fillmyer. You can get an awesome start out of Quintana and still land him late in your draft.

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Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rick Porcello was masterful Friday night, turning in one of the best, most efficient, pitching performances we’ll see all season, holding the New York Yankees to just one hit (a home run) and striking out nine for a complete game win. His only hiccups were a HBP to begin the game and a solo home run to rookie 3rd baseman Miguel Andujar, after which Porcello proceeded to retire the next 21 straight batters with ease. More like Siiiiick Rick, brah *shock emoji* Or Quick Rick? IMHO (the “H” stands for handsome) this was the best start we’ve seen from a Boston pitcher all season, and that’s saying something for a team with Chris Sale on it. The former Cy Young threw first-pitch strikes to 23 batters and threw 68 strikes of the the just 86 pitches to get through this one. Veintidos, which might be the worst nickname ever, moves to 14-4 with a 3.84 ERA and 1.16 WHIP.  Most amazing for me, however, was that a Yankees/Red Sox game took just 2 hours and 15 minutes! It was the fastest Boston/NY game since May 6, 1994! So keeping in that spirit I will wrap this up quick. The last two Sox pitchers to 1-hit the mighty Yankees line up facing the minimum batters were Pedro Martinez in 1999 and Roger Clemens in 1991, and those are some pretty great names to have in your company.

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I try to avoid repeating ledes during the season and Sean Newcomb already had one.  There I said, “It’s 2074, Grey Albright’s frozen head is on a shelf next to Ted Williams’ frozen head…I took a picture of Ted’s penis…I’m so romantic!”  Damn, I pull quotes almost as well as I dispense fantasy baseball advice!  By the way, I watched the Ted Williams special on PBS this weekend.  Biggest surprise (to me), he was Mexican.  He was the original Fernandomania — Teodoromania?  When I searched Ted Williams and his Mom, that dominated the search results and who are we to question Google?  So, Sean Newcomb ended the game one out from a no hitter against the Dodgers, one of the best offense teams — 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.23.  I pulled the reins on Newcomb in the last few weeks because his peripherals are garbage and I’m only happy when I’m pulling reins.  His velocity is down, his 8.3 K/9, 4.3 BB/9 and 4.32 xFIP are not telling the whole story, but they’re telling enough of the story while sitting around a campfire farting.  Then on Sunday, he threw 134 pitches.  I’m all for hypnotizing pitchers into thinking they’re Walter Johnson, but he had never pitched more than 111 pitches in the majors.  Solid game on Sunday, but if you grab Newcomb he could leave a mushroom cloud in his wake, and not as in an umami bomb.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

DJ LeMahieu hit the DL with an oblique injury, and is out for months.  It happened when DJ was carrying a crate of records.  “Aunt Audrey is requesting the Electric–Side!  My side!”  As DJ collapsed into a heap of bar mitzvah party favors he’d collected.  Garrett Hampson (0-for-3) was called up to fill in for him, and I tried to add him everywhere.  Prospector Ralph had him in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, and said, “Hampson brings a nice mix of plus contact and plus-plus base running ability. With his combination of contact, speed, and plate approach he has a shot to carve out a niche as a top of the order run producer, which is different than Grey who is a ‘runs producer,’ as in he produces crap.”  Hey!  Hampson could have a 6 HR, 15 steal 2nd half, or, knowing the Rockies, Hampson will sit on the bench four out of five games while Pat Valaika plays.  I wish these were laughter tears.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Trevor Bauer continued to keep the drool moist on his owners’ chins — 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.30.  The other day some ‘perts listed their biggest surprises of the 2nd half, and one (maybe more) talked about how surprised they were about Bauer.  Yeah, shocker.  *insanely long pause, staring straight ahead*  Really, really surprised.  *just a dead-eyed stare, slowly picks up Capri Sun, sips real slow on tiny straw, lets out long burp*  Yup, no one saw that coming.  Yesterday, it was too bad, Cody Allen had an epic Kazaam — 2/3 IP, 6 ER, moving his ERA up to 4.66.  I’m just going to sit down for a second.  Aw geez, it hurts to sit.  I’m going to lie on my stomach.  Make the pain go away.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?