Nick Senzel for Fantasy Baseball

Yesterday, Nick Senzel went 2-for-6, 5 RBIs with his 4th and 5th homer. That’s five homers in a week for him! He’s only played ten games all year! Well, of course he has, the 11th game for Senzel is like midnight for Cinderella. ACKSUALLY! Call him Senzella! He’s a Godzilla meets Cinderella monster! Rawr! Watch out, Senzella is stomping through downtown Washington! Oh my God, Senzella is sitting on the Washington Monument. Oh geez, what’s he doing on top of that thing? Is he scratching his back? Please say he’s scratching his back. Oh man, he is not scratching his back. He’s, uh, scratching his insides. Oh my God, Senzella’s making the O face. Oh no! It’s midnight! But he doesn’t turn into just any pumpkin. Nope! He turns into an injured pumpkin! You ever see a pumpkin with a strained quad? A pumpkin with a Grade 2 hammy? A pumpkin that needs TOS surgery? So, Senzella is a hot schmotato, but soon he’s going to turn into an injured pumpkin, and if anyone named their kid Senzel Washington, let’s hope it wasn’t you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Joey Gallo – Hit the IL with an AC joint sprain. More of a summertime injury.

Mitchell Parker – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.69. This start was vs. the Marlins and I was told Mitchell Parker was an ace from the hundreds of dollars I saw spent on him in FAAB. Huh, that’s weird. Maybe he’s not. I guess I will continue to feign ignorance for another start.

Jacob Young – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th steal. Not at all embarrassed to admit that Young’s double steal game had me more excited than Senzel’s. I’m adding him everywhere I need steals.

Edward Cabrera – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.28. More than any other team the Marlins want a do-over.

Avisail Garcia – Hit the IL with “Hasn’t been good in three years, how is he still in the majors?”

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. There should be a baseball statistic to measure what percentage a player gives each game. Jazz seems to give roughly 48%.

Mark Vientos – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he was recalled from Triple-A, so. Dot dot dot. He can watch J.D. Martinez DH? He pinch-hit homered yesterday, because he has nowhere to play. Mets making dumb moves [handshake emoji] a day that ends in Y.

Jose Quintana – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.48. This start vs. the Cards was a showcase for when they want to sign him in three years.

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3 and a slam (5) and double legs (2, 3). Wow, keep doing that and only every other commenter will be trying to trade away Lindor for twenty cents on a dollar.

Kyle Bradish – Will return to the majors this week after his UCL sprain. How many starts until he’s IL’d again? Two? One? Don’t boo me! I’m just being realistic.

Cole Irvin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.49. This was a Streamonator call. [Streamonator blows on metal knuckles, scraps metal knuckles against metal chest and makes an awful grinding noise]

Ryan Mountcastle – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (1) and 2nd homer in as many games. Mountcastle? Not bad for a guy portrayed by David Tennant!

Adley Rutschman – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer. Adley? Not bad for an album by Beck!

Ramon Urias – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Urias? Not bad for a butt!

Albert Suarez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.35. Oh….[adjusting Suarez’s Sunday FAAB from $7 to $6 to $5 to $4 back up to $5 to $6 down to $4 back to $5]…kay.

Tyler Nevin – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in a week, and el oh el no one’s picking him up. The other star of this game for the A’ss was Kyle McCann, and you have no idea if I made up that name or not.

George Kirby – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Thinking about the league where I accidentally drafted Gerrit Cole and have Kirby, and imagining how good I would be if this was literally any other year of Cole’s career. Oh, wait a second! You didn’t think I’d make this about a top drafted starter being a positive, did you? New here? In that league, where I lost Cole, my ratios are 2.77 ERA and 1.17 WHIP.

Slade Cecconi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.25. 6′ 4″, 220-righty, and has added a full mile on his slider and it’s working better, and it was already working well. He looked as good as the line, but not sure if he stays in the rotation. Worth monocle’ing in deeper leagues, and would grab him for now in NL-Only.

Brandon Pfaadt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.63. If he has command, he’s going to be an ace.

Jordan Hicks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.59. That’s how you get back in my good graces. By the by, Good Graces sounds like someone misremembering a bad network sitcom. “You remember Good Graces, it had that priest mentoring inner city youth who really taught him lessons.”

Thairo Estrada – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Back to back homers with Carl’s Jr. Jr. (2-for-3 and his 2nd homer). Figures the first time my beautiful boy, Jared Jones gets teed up it’s by the bottom of the Aints’ lineup in one of the easiest pitchers’ parks. Make it make sense.

Keaton Winn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18 vs. Jared Jones – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the 1st start two pitchers ERAs ended at 3.18 since “we think a long time ago, but who knows, is there a way to track that?”

Martin Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.86. ‘Member when Santa’s Little Helper was starved for attention and starts walking on his hind legs? That’s Martin Perez. He’s like, “Hey, Grey, you like low-K guys now? Look at me!” Wait a second, there’s no such thing as a talking low-K guy!

Ranger Suarez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.32. “Starting for your NL All-Stars…Ranger Suarez!”

Bryson Stott – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a double slam (2, 3) and legs (4). “That’s smart to use him as a coffee table–Oh crap! He’s moving! Stott’s alive!”

Michael King – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.00. Is his middle name Phuc? Cause Michael was Phuc King me good yesterday.

Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Definitely seems back but where did daddy’s Ks go?

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Nice to see him remember he’s not Austin Barnes.

Jose Soriano – 1 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.76. Old guy on I Think You Should Leave, “Stinky.” Streamonator hates his next one, and see no reason to hold him.

Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.83. He went from throwing a perfect game in the 5th to about as imperfect as they get.

Luis Rengifo – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He went back-to-back with Nolan Schanuel (2-for-3) who hit his 2nd homer. I have these schmohawks in so many leagues I’m about to go to Anaheim with an eight ball of devil’s dandruff if Ron’ll promise to move them up the order.

Reid Detmers – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.12. Ah, yes, there’s the Detmers I’m very familiar with.

Aaron Civale – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.06. This was vs. the White Sox to make it that much worse. Though, I guess if you haven’t yet paid your fantasy league fees facing a team with Tommy Pham can be scary.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .275. On pace for 30+ homer, 100+ RBIs, but who could’ve predicted that? Oh, that’s right. I did.

Erick Fedde – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.60. The White Sox team is a manifestation of “throw enough shizz against the wall and something will stick.” Fedde’s stuck. Just gave you my Fedde fantasy the other day. I streamed him in my RCL league, which sounds almost as sad as my team has performed. I’m starting Curtis Mead as my 3rd baseman, non-ironically.

Ben Lively – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.30 vs. Bryce Elder – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Way to deflate those Sunday FAAB bids, guys!

Wyatt Langford – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Hey, once you get over 65 MPH can you hit the open button on the trunk I’m trying to dump–Hold up! Langford moved! He’s alive!”

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Thankfully, you passed on him for Royce Lewis or Pablo Lopez.

Dane Dunning – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Dunning looks stunning when on waivers and Dun-dun-dun-dun-DUNNing when on your team.

Andrew Abbott – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.27. The allure of the two-start week giving me a double turd. Like a drunk Costello, “Hey, Abbott, you suck!”

Hunter Greene – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Sadly, Hunter Greene is the type that appears totally great one start, then goes out the next start and gives up 5 ER in 4 IP.

Aaron Judge – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Okay, do that 45 more times and I’ll leave you alone.

Anthony Rizzo – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. HR to the Rizzo!

Anthony Volpe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (7). Got a shirt that says I’m part of the AV Club and all I got was this wet head from a swirly.

Wenceel Perez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Hey, Tigers’ lineup looks like dogshizz, so, one love but Wenceel hitting third makes me wince-el.

Casey Mize – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Love his command, and stuff, and ratios, and it’s not really translating to much of anything. All kinda yawnstipating. Streamonator hates his next start, and I could see moving on in shallower leagues.

Garrett Cooper – Acquired by the Red Sox. The Voice of NFL Films, “A 15-13 club that seemed to be struggling lost their 1st baseman, Triston Casas, for three to thirty-three weeks, because the team physician was a janitor wearing a white lab coat. Then the front office made the gustiest call a front office can make. It went and acquired a 1st baseman that no other team wanted even though he held a sign saying, ‘Will Work For Food,’ and through a deal with the MLBPA, was guaranteed a soft pretzel. That was the magic these Red Sox needed, and that spark led them on an improbable run where they rattled off a series of wins and losses and ended the year one game over .500 and 12 games out of the playoffs.”

Joey Loperfido – Being called up by the Astros to back up Jose Abreu–I’m kidding! DFA Abreu, I don’t care, goodbye! Loperfido hit his 13th homer yesterday in 25 games. Ha! He’s also hitting .276, but with a 31% strikeout rate, so he might hit .210. He also had four steals in those 25 games, so he’s not without speed. I grabbed Loperfido in my RCL league, which is 12-team mixed, so Loperfido is worth grabbing everywhere.

Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Bienvenidos from El Sud del Border, mi amigos and cinco chicas! Yo soy aqui in our sud’ern border country of Meh-ico for lots of runs, and I’m not talking about drinking the agua! You la sensación’ing a mi? Metaphorico! Can you alto? Opposite of mañana, Kyle Tucker (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) con his 7th boom-oh, Jose Altuve (2-for-4, 3 runs) with a slammo (7) and leggo (4), y Jeremy Pena (1-for-3, 2 runs) con 3rd boom-oh. Okay, para veridad, que es MLB doing by having el Colorado Mountainos en this series? Isn’t this supposedo showcase el teams grande? Only thing grande para Colorado Mountainos es proximito to Grande Canyon! Also, why was this series not featured in prime-tiempo? If you’re going to commit to jugar en otra countries, then put the jugars on prime-tiempo. This es muy facil. Adios the adios, I took 13 años of Spanish. Impressive, correcto? So, Framber Valdez returned from elbow inflammation, and SELLO! Lo siento, didn’t mean to yello, but SELLO!