In one of the Madden football games, the eponymous announcer would proclaim that “speed kills” several times per game. Growing up in the prime of the Nancy Reagan D.A.R.E. era, I couldn’t help but chuckle, particularly as my generation was being prescribed Adderall in bulk whenever they had a tough stretch in school. Major League […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
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*nudges the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell, and it doesn’t move* “Oh my God, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell is dead!”
“I’m not dead, you idiot. I’m hungover. Could you please stop screaming?”
“Woo hoo! The Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell is alive!”
So, welcome back to another Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell, or as I like to call it, “Pick up this player in your league if he’s available because he’s rostered in less than 50% of leagues, but only if you’re carrying a player who is worse than him” and “Trade away this player who is rostered in more than 50% of leagues, but only if you’re getting a fair price.” You can see why I went with Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell instead.
Our first fantasy baseball lede buy is coming to you straight from a little area of my brain labeled, “Only Think About Wonderful In This Area.” What, you don’t label parts of your brain? Oh, too bad. I took a seminar on memory at a Ramada Inn in Parsippany, New Jersey, where I learned this. That and don’t bite into a donut and put it back on the tray. Those are the only two things I remember from that seminar. So, now it’s time to get down to business…Crap, are you thirsty? I feel so parched. Like I just traveled through the desert on camel while smoking a pack of Camels. Just let me get a drink and then we will start up. Inserts seven quarters into a soda machine, while deciding between Jimmy Sprite and this other guy. Finally, I select Oscar Colas. Then, I listen for the clink of the can down the chute, then remove Colas from the slot. Feeling the heft in my hand and I crack him open to the wonderfully pleasant sound of ahhhhh. Sips a little at first, as I go over his minor league numbers: 14 homers in Double-A; two homers in Triple-A in only seven games with a steal; hit .306 in Double-A and .387 in that week in AAA; reads what Itch has to say, “He hit 23 home runs in 127 games across three levels last year, batting above .300 at every stop. Chicago has been tough on hitters the past few seasons, but Colas has enough thump to threaten 20-plus bombs if he gets the gig early, and I’d like to thump Grey with my fist.” Wow, what a soda machine this is! Oscar Colas got the job, and I’m all-in on him until we see him actually struggle somewhere, because we have not seen that once. I need Colas everywhere and so should you. Stay thirsty, my friends, and remember, Andrew Benintendi is the un-Colas. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
*digs nose into an open field of grass, lifts head, eyes filled with tears* This smells of my youth!
Passerby, “My dog just peed there, so probably smells of youth because you used to wet yourself.”
Baseball is back.
“Hello, Genie, I have three wishes for this baseball season. My first wish: No one I roster get hurt. My 2nd wish: Everyone I roster do well. I drafted Oneil Cruz everywhere so, really, I’m doing much of the heavy lifting for this wish. My 3rd and final wish: All 3rd base coaches send runners home by doing the Moonwalk. Thanking you in advance, Genie. Wait a second, you’re not a genie, you’re Bartolo Colon in Blue Man Group paint. Damn you!”
Welcome back to another season of baseball! This one won’t be like a lot of the ones in the past few decades or so, because singles up the middle are back, and the pitch clock. Can’t believe how little jock scratching is in baseball with this pitch clock. Baseball has gone woke! Bring back the slow, intimate groin adjustments that baseball was once famous for!
So, I’m glad I didn’t waste a wish on trying to keep Mets healthy, because that was never happening. Justin Verlander hit the IL with a low-grade teres major strain. Triston McKenzie just had one of these and now we have another? How many major strains are we getting this year? Wait a second, Rob Manfred didn’t make some sorta deal with a dispensary and this major strain is a tie-in, right? With Verlander out, I’d go ahead and grab Tylor Megill, and let’s hope he’s as good as previous seasons for Ks (9.9 K/9) and command (2.6 BB/9). Don’t be Slippin’ Megill! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth and I drafted this past weekend in Vegas for the NFBC Main Event, and we had one plan — no plans! But, see, Donkey Teeth heard no “pants.” Well, that aside, we were back at it after our, I wanna say, 10th place finish last year. I blocked it out after the 2nd month of rostering Jose Berrios. Hey, Jose, buy me a drink first before screwing me! Never the hoo! Donkey and I never let a little thing like “doing well” stopping us from plopping down seventeen-hundred smackeroos and taking on the best the industry has to offer. Here we are five minutes after sitting down and realizing we the only ones making this a Draftquiri Happy Hour.
Locked and loaded for the @nfbc main event and a bachelorette party pic.twitter.com/Xk2eBeTSdh
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 25, 2023
For those unfamiliar, it’s a 15-team, two-catcher, 5×5, 30-round league. There’s an overall prize of a lot of money and a big-but-slightly-smaller league prize, but let’s win the league first before worrying about that. There’s a $1000 FAAB for waivers in-season, and no pre-draft hypnotism is allowed, which makes me buying that old-timey watch with a long chain fob sorta pointless, but oh well. Anyway, here’s our NFBC Main Event draft recap:
Psyche! Just wanted to announce the Streamonator and Hittertron are running with all of the first weekend projections. LFG100! Anyway II, the draft recap:Please, blog, may I have some more?
‘‘Twas the night before baseball,
and all through the league,
the pitchers were feeling forearm fatigue.
Opening week really is the most wonderful time of the baseball year.
If you can find just the right angle, watching roster decisions trickle in feels like a magic eye picture slowly morphing into focus.
On the other hand, that leads to days of fuzzy weirdness, like the Rockies demoting Michael Toglia or the Orioles leaving Grayson Rodriguez in the minors. Christopher Morel is not in the major leagues anymore? Did I really see that?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Triston McKenzie had some good news the other day. He learned he has a muscle. The bad news he received concurrently was he strained it. His teres major muscle in his shoulder is strained and he will miss up to eight weeks. A teres major muscle sounds like a muscle conductors use to wave their […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
Official baseball starts in a few days, but it’s time to focus on what’s important: insane preseason predictions! Before we dive deep into countless hours rearranging lineups, FAAB bids, and making trade offers in order to win a couple hundred dollars in our friends and family league, which equates to roughly twenty-eight cents per hour, […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sometime around the end of February, I contacted my Cards’ connection and they said Jordan Walker would break camp, and from that moment I donned my train conductor cap on the Jordan Walker hype train, grabbed the wheel (do trains have steering wheels?), put my foot on the gas (again, pedals?) and started screaming choo-choo-choo out the window (is it up to the conductor to say ‘choo-choo-choo?’) and went full speed ahead. Topping off the hype train sundae (clearly, I know a lot about trains), I drafted him this past weekend in Vegas at the Main Event with the minimal pick at 97. And it felt effin’ glorious!
Right after drafting Jordan Walker pic.twitter.com/CequiunMNm
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 25, 2023
Or as Kenny from Rotowear aptly captured:
— Kenneth Cashman (@kenneth_cashman) March 26, 2023
This weekend we found out Jordan Walker did, indeed, make the Cards’ Opening Day lineup. You want this year’s Julio Rodriguez? It’s prolly Corbin Carroll. You want this year’s Bobby Witt Jr.? It’s maybe Corbin Carroll too. So, who is Jordan Walker? I’ve haven’t seen a guy like Jordan Walker since rookie Giancarlo Stanton. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s on the Struggle Bus with inside pitches, and there’s some chance here that he’s nothing more than 25/10/.240, but the upside is, brucely, as big as he is.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Giants C Blake Sabol hits 18 home runs with a .265 batting average, good for a top five finish at catcher when combined with his elite R-RBI (140+) in that position group.
Brewers OF Sal Frelick hits .300 with 10+ home runs and 80+ runs scored. As I’m typing this Saturday afternoon, Frelick is leading off and hasn’t been optioned. Non-zero chance he’s the opening day leadoff man.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Braves announced that Raisel Iglesias has a low-grade shoulder inflammation, and Orlando Arcia will fill-in. Wait, that’s wrong. That’s the next Braves news. This is the third time in Raisel’s career he’s missed time with shoulder issues, but it’s been about seven years since the last time. He won’t throw for a week, then will see where he’s at. To see where he’s at, put your hands together in prayer. Okay, that’s Iglesias, and here’s the steeple. Now, crack them slightly, and that’s the people picking up A.J. Minter. Now turn your hands inside out and that’s the people getting *ucked once again drafting a closer high. Where’s all my genius-brained people who told you to draft closers high? Are they now pretending like this is a fluke and not that closers are easily the most fickle position? It won’t show up in end-of-the-season rankings, but remember I told you not to draft Edwin Diaz and Raisel Iglesias in the first five rounds. That was other people, who will do the same thing again next year. And the year after. Don’t worry, some brain geniuses are still drafting a guy who had, like, 12.00 ERA last 2nd half. Josh Hader is great, don’t you know? Any hoo! The 2023 fantasy baseball rankings are up to date, and the top 500 for 2023 fantasy baseball was updated for Iglesias, Minter, and Joe Jimenez (and others I will get to in this post). My guess is they’re in that order to replace Iglesias. For how long? I haven’t the foggiest. I’d guess a month, but you shouldn’t have drafted Iglesias anyway. Here’s the Fantasy Baseball War Room too, and good luck in weekend drafts! I will be in Vegas for the Main Event. I will be fighting Donkey Teeth. I mean, drafting with him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2023 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m a big fan of the everyman. I consider myself the everyman. I’m every man’s everyman. A pioneer of normcore. Track pants and a blinking light on my car’s dashboard that either means my seatbelt isn’t on or I need oil. That is me. What better way to elevate the Everyman Culture then to take part in a tourney where no one is smarter than anyone else. Enter the RazzSlam, a Best Ball tourney. Every everyman likely knows what a Best Ball league is, but, if you don’t, it’s when you draft a team and the computer manages it for you by choosing who are your best players, and you get those stats. It’s basically one fantasy league removed from the robots taking over and killing us all. Well, the last laugh is on you robots, cholesterol is beating you to the punch! Kinda love that Razzball is putting on a tourney (hosted by NFBC — thank you!) that no one really has any clue how to strategize. A true everyman experience. Oh, I’m sure there’s a few people who think they know the correct strategy for Best Ball, and a few of them might be right, but there’s an under 1% chance they know why they’re right, and it isn’t just luck. In some ways, Best Ball leagues are a lot like Best Ball strategies. Throw a ton of them out there and a few good ones will rise to the top through sheer force of players’ performances and nothing you’re actually doing. That’s the fun. Anyway, here’s my RazzSlam, a 42-round, Best Ball 12 team draft recap:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yainer Diaz is doing Yainer Diaz things. He’s hitting .300 and leads the team in RBI but has a higher batting average than on base percentage thanks to six strikeouts and zero walks. He’s also not catching all that much. Might be a frustrating piece for our game.
Korey Lee’s having a nice spring, slashing .269/.345/.538 with two steals. I’m skeptical that either guy could really push Martin Maldonado for his job given the club’s obvious preference for veteran defense behind the dish.Please, blog, may I have some more?