Aaaaand we’re back! And just in case you were concerned the Dodgers weren’t loaded with enough weapons to make Jack Reacher blush, an Ace break out could be upon us as second year starting pitcher Bobby Miller put on an absolutely filthy display Friday night, dominating the St. Louis Cardinals to the tune of six innings, three base runners allowed (two hits) and a career high 11 strike outs for his first win of the year. He began his night by striking out the side. Mhmm. By then we should have known this night was going to be special, and that we should have drafted Bobby Miller everywhere. Honestly, take a look at this change up. *Swoons* If that’s not Ohio rizz, I don’t what is. Really I don’t know. Ask your kids. Bobby maxed out at 100.3 on the gun, but was hitting triple digits all night long and retired the first nine batters (six Ks) he faced with relative ease. “Oh Lord, that boy ain’t right.” That’s Hank Hill talking about Bobby, obviously. But if Bob Miller is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Let’s watch a few more, shall we? How about this one and that one. Yes, I know. That’s paint, folks. I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like. He’s the Dodgers fourth-fifth starter technically, and they haven’t even given him a 10 year extension yet. Miller had a promising rookie season in 2023 (3.67 xERA, 1.13 WHIP) and was coming off a great spring so I think a step forward was to be expected but my guy leapt last night. This could be a bigger breakout than Travis Kelce’s 2023. Perhaps it’s the tight pants or the sick fade, perhaps it’s the pinpoint control, the 99 mph heater, the changeup (banned in 12 states), or the sweeping mid-90s slider, regardless, dude is looking like a bona fide fantasy Ace out the gate. I know it’s early but Bobby’s feast on St Louis was good enough for second on RB’s 100 best starts rater tool, although it looks like it might be broken, or too early to be working. Bobby Miller’s change up probably broke it. B-Milli gets the Giants next week and I expect the dominance to continue, I just hope that you drafted him or know someone who did so you can witness the joy that he will bring. This kid’s gonna be a star! Ha-cha-cha!

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Mookie Betts – 1-for-3, HR (3). LA has BrOhtani and Freeman and Yamamoto and now Miller but I’m only jealous they have one player my team does not. My flame, my muse, my shining star, one, Markus Lynn Betts. Imagine getting to watch the best player in the world play every day, win you a world series, then your team trades him for nothing. Am I having one of those waking nightmares again? No. This is my real life. I just hope you appreciate him, Dodger fans–but I know you do. How could you not? Anyway, how does Mookie feel about how Shohei being highest paid player in the world? I think we’re about to find out–Betts leads the league in home runs, RBI, hits and swag. Keep going, Mookie! Show them who the real Best is.

Miguel Rojas – 2-for-3, HR (1). Rojas played shortstop against the lefty while Mookie slid over to second base. On the short side of a platoon he probably won’t play enough to warrant fantasy consideration. Then again, anyone in this lineup is probably worth monitoring.

Masyn Winn – 2-for-3, run. He was a BUY! And in addition to the two hits he made several funky fresh defensive plays as well. That’s jumpman Jeter stylez right there, no? We forget he’s only like 9 months removed from being the guy everyone wanted to own.

Nolan Gorman – 2-for-4, 2 RBI. It’s unreal how short our fantasy baseball attention span is, guys I would have been clamoring to draft last year I can snag with my 200th pick. It honestly feels like cheating. If they have MLB experience whatsoever, dudes are just not interested. You go all in on Wyatt, I’ll take my chances with CES in the 12th.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-3, 2 HR (2), 4 RBI. Uncle Oscar is just happy to be here and hopes he can help the ball club. He can. It feels like he’s already contributed more than he did in C-Attle last year. He was on the Mariners last year right?

Zack Wheeler – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, 0 ER, 5 K. Bravo. Yes. I mean, dude looked like the Ace you drafted. 18 swings and misses, 31% CSW, no walks, and all of this against what’s probably the league’s best offense. You can get idea an how good he is as the second he left the game the Braves pounced on the bullpen, putting up two runs in the seventh and five more in the eighth. Welp. Condolences to Jose Alvarado owners (0.2 IP, 3 hits, 5 ER, 2 BB), but Braves looked scary.

Spencer Strider – 5.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 8 K. Oh right, and this guy on the other side, as if that lineup wasn’t tough enough to deal with with a new look curveball to add to his devastating repertoire.  His only blemish was allowing a two run homer to Brendan Marsh, who might be the only guy in the league with better facial hair than Spence. Sometimes quantity over quality, friends.

Matt Olson – 3-for-5, 3 RBI. Three doubles for Allahson and Michael Harris II and Orlando Arcia had three hits a piece. Ronald Acuña had two hits and a steal, cause of course. As I mentioned above Los Bravos jumped on the bullpen as soon as Wheeler left the game and it was basically a wrap after that. Sean Murphy left the game and Travis d’Arnaud would be the add here. Again, anyone involved in this murderer’s row of a line up could be worth a look, especially at a shallower position like catcher.

Bryce Harper, Kyle Schwarber and Trea Turner were 0-for-11. Having the first four batters (don’t get me started on how much $$$ they make) in your line up going 0-for-14 with 7 Ks at home on opening day against your would-be could-be rivals is not a great look. I know it was Strider but still. At least Brandon Marsh is fun to watch.

Abner Uribe – 1.0 IP, SV (1). Joel Payamps (1.0 IP, 2 K). Woah, some early season closer drama? Yes please! Payamps or Megill was most of your pundits pick for first crack at the ninth inning gig so of course Abner got the first chance. We should have assumed the guy named after the guy that freakin’ invented baseball was the obvious choice. Then again, the way Manager Murphy deployed these guys could have had everything to do with match ups or leverage and we could see a totally different mix today or tomorrow. A committee, yay, then nobody wins right? At least for now, Abner Uribe needs to be owned everywhere. Go grab him, I’ll wait here. Just pin the tab.

Freddy Peralta – 6.0 IP, 1 hit, ER, BB, 8 K, 1st win. Did you get Abner? Great. Freddy is the Ace on not one but two of my fantasy teams and so far I’m feeling pretty good about that decision. The eight strikeouts was the franchise record for opening day, which seems kind of low? Not to bring him up so soon, but Burnes already beat that yesterday.

Jose Quintana – 4.2 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 4 K, L. The fact that Jose Quintana is the opening day starter for the Mets is pathetic. Seriously, one year removed for Verlander and Scherzer what the [expletive deleted] happened?

Jackson Chourio – 1-for-3, RBI, SB (1). Trying not to get overly excited over one game because I don’t have the time right now or enough highlights for another TikTok fan account but the hype looks real, and my fan edit of Jackson riding a sandworm as he leads the kingdom of Milwaukee to freedom from the evil cheddar harvesters is happening regardless. JC has never met a popcorn bucket he wouldn’t [expletive deleted]! Let’s gooooo!

Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, HR (1). Whata weekend for Christians! Leads the league in batting average! Small samples sizes are fun. Why did it feel like after his 2023 he was being under drafted? Maybe it’s because he was. That’s back to back opening day bombs! Only four more years to catch Tyler O’Neil!

Starling Marte – 1-for-3, HR (1). Who you calling 0ld? Take that Gen Z! With all  your cool trends, open-minded world views and excessive screen time.

Aaron Civale – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, BB, ER, 6 K. Gave up a home run to George Springer (2), but that was his only knock and otherwise looked dominant against a Jays team that shook up Zach Eflin. If you read Coolwhip’s Aaron Civale fantasy you already own him everywhere. Thanks Coolwhip!

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI. If you thought the Rays would lose a step after losing what was quite possibly their best player and biggest star to a Chris Hansen sting you were apparently very wrong.

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-5, Grand Slam HR (1). The 444-foot (111.0 mph EV) grand slam was the fourth of B-Lowe’s career and he always tends to start hot (seven homers in March/April 2023). It’s the rest of the months he has an issue with.

Jose Siri – 1-for-4, run, 2 SB (3). Can you say SAGNOF? I know it’s only two days, but I asked my phone how many steals Jose will have this year and they said “I didn’t get that,” hmm, maybe I should ask Chat GPT.

Carlos Rodon – 4.1 IP, 5 hits, ER, 3 BB, 4 K. I stayed far away from most Yankees starters this year but holding the Astros to one run is not nothing!

Christian Javier – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, BB, 6 K. Ditto for Javier. A mostly impressive outing after posting a less than impressive 4.56 ERA in 2023. Again Christian’s live for Easter weekend on the Goodesst of Fridays, but things don’t get easier for him next week with the Blue Jays on deck.

Juan Soto – 3-for-4, RBI. That’s four hits and a game-saving throw in two games for Sexy Dr. Pepper. Now let’s see some of that soda POP!

Aaron Judge – 0-for-5, K. Washed!

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-5, HR (1). Coming off a four homer spring and new crazy diet, if Big Sexy is now as scared of carbs as Tom Brady is of fruit this could be a real comeback season for him.

Oswaldo Cabrera – 4-for-5, 3 RBI. Jon Berti truthers fear not, Oswaldo leaves a lot to be desired in terms of hard contact but he’s worth monocle-ing as long as he’s hitting all the baseballs.

Rafael Devers – Late scratch with a sore shoulder. That’s a big uh-oh with lukewarm spaghetti-ohs. The hope is it’s a one day thing and he plays Saturday, because I don’t think the Red Sox are capable of scoring runs without this guy.

Nick Pivetta – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, ER, 10 K, L. P for Pivetta. The P is for punch out, something Nick does with the best in the league (11.54 K/9 in 2023). The JP Crawford tank was actually the first run he’s allowed in 20.1 innings dating back to last year. The shouting only adds to the effect. He threw 28 sliders last night, the most he’s thrown in ever. He has his issues with the long ball but always goes six innings and yes, the Ks are there. I’m saying I like him! I really do! Unclear if the Sox will ever score enough to get him a win, however.

George Kirby – 6.2 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 8 K, 1st win. He uncharacteristically gave up two walks to start the game but Boston could not capitalize and Kirby settled in real nicely. No one would be surprised if this dude’s winning the Cy Young, and the dreamland t-shirt was an excellent touch.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4, HR (2). Christian Walker and Alek Thomas also homered. The Dbags offense is looking like Dalton in the new Roadhouse movie (I watched it twice by the way, it’s terrible, would recommend, 5 stars). I’m saying their offense is kicking a$$. It’s like notevenfair. They’re playing with them at this point. If you drafted Lourdes, have mercy, good for you! I’m gonna go poke Aaron Judge.

Ketel Marte – 3-for-4, run, SB (1). Six hits, four runs scores and a steal through two games. I was literally streaming against Zona this time last year and now they’re a power house!

Cal Quantrill – 5.0 IP, 9 hits, 5 ER, BB, K. I complain about the Red Sox rotation but damn, I’m sorry Colorado. This could be your best start all week. At least you have Jokic.

Merrill Kelly – 6.2 IP, 3 hits, ER, 8 K, 1st win. Are the DBags a wagon, you guys? OK, well, if we’re gonna do this, I really wish they had a cooler logo.

Joc Pederson – 4-for-4. Yeah, he’s a dirty fantasy player, but great match up against righties!

Logan Allen – 5.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, 3 K, 1st win. StreamONator loved this start, which I think is just the AIs way of protesting the A’s move. Day two is a little too early for me to be using the StreamONator, but that sexy robot nailed this one. [Editor note: It’s never too early to use the Stream-O-Nator, sign up now for a two day trial absolutely free! And start your road to championship glory!]

Emmanuel Clase – 1.0 IP 1 hit, SV (1). Clase closed! Yeah, I know it’s pronounced Clah-zay, but it’s day two and I’m stretching for puns already.

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-5, HR (1), 2 RBI. He’s a top 15 pick every year and still somehow feels criminally underrated. Dodgers should probably trade for him.

J.D. Davis  2-for-4, 2 HR (2). A’s fans hoping Davis can save us but either way they’re probably bound for Vegas. Hey, rhymes! J.D. has always been a lefty killer, but he could have opportunity for some real counting stats in the heart of this black hole. He’s available everywhere as he probably should be but won’t be for long.

Andres Gimenez – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBI. He was brutal last April so the four hits in two games is a very welcome sight, but will need to see some steals in my sights as well before I fully hype up the rebound.

Kyle Harrison – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, 5 K, 1st win. Kyle was a popular sleeper and with good reason, but a little too popular for me to be able to draft him anywhere. He did give up two jacks but he didn’t walk anyone. Long balls could be an issue for Harrison (he gave up eight in 34 innings last year), but I’m just being salty I don’t own him I’ll let you guys have this one.

Joe Musgrove – 5.2 IP, 8 hits, 4 ER, BB, 3 K. That’sa another big Yikes and an “oh jeez, Rick”. Musgrove was hit hard yet again, and the sad part is this was his best start of the year including spring training. He did have a 35% CSW so perhaps better days are ahead but confidence is low to mid.

Manny Machado – 1-for-4, HR (2). Machado Manny with the flying elbow drop from the top turnbuckle! Savage! Don’t call it a comeback! Dude never left! Ohh yeaaah!

Matt Chapman – 3-for-5, 2 HR (2), 5 RBI. The guy nobody wanted. Poor chap, had to settle for a measly $50 million, man. No wonder he’s jaded. Take it out on the baseballs, Matt!

AJ Puk – 2.0 IP, 3 hits, 4 ER, 6 BB, K, L. More like AJ Barf, right? So the starting pitching experiment is off to a shaky start, with six walks after allowing only 11 BBs (ELEVEN) in all of 2023. I don’t want to enter full panic mode yet since I own him everywhere and he gets the Angels next week, but my leash for AJ is probably a lot shorter than the Marlins, and I’d be lying if I said his pitch chart wasn’t horrifying. Why is this happening to me?

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBI. NGL i.e. probably lie incoming, the 1.417 OPS is impressive, if only he could hit the baseballs a little farther. Like out of the yard, maybe? Just give it a try and if it doesn’t work out you can blame me.

Oneil Cruz – 2-for-5, RBI as he hit 7th. Patience, he’ll be hitting cleanup by the end of April, right? I’ll have patience when I’m up 10 games in August and the Bucs are considering resting the Cruz missile for a day cause he’s hit so many dongs in the past week. And the first place Pirates will be everyone’s darling! It’s all there on my vision board!

Fernando Tatis, Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 HR (2). A 441 footer! Want to extend my first of 2024 and sweetest of sassy molassys to Tatis’ Friday night twin ding dongs. FTJ bombs are better than your average bombs because of the Rizz Quotient. It’s literally off the charts!

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!