While sweet sixteens are traditionally celebrated by girls, it’s 2019 and so many lines have been blurred that we are living in a very “anything goes” society. Setting a new personal high, Walker Buehler struck out 16 Colorado Rockies while throwing a three-hit complete game gem. What I like most: Well I guess what I like most is the sixteen punch outs, but what I really like is the zero walks. Sixteen strikeouts and no walks is so sexy. How sexy? 2007 Grady Sizemore sexy. Walker did give up two solo home runs, but those were to two of the best hitters in baseball. Charlie Blackmon has been unbelievable lately and Nolan Arenado is Nolan Arenado. He did strike both of them out (Arenado twice) over the course of the game, but when you strikeout 16, that’s bound to happen. To put Buehler’s performance in terms my usual nine readers might better understand, he scored just under 50 fantasy points depending on if you league gives points for complete games. That’s the kind of points jolt that feels like a gut punch to your opponent when he checks his/her matchup and sees he’s playing Buehler.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Joe Musgrove to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
We’re creeping closer and closer to the all-star break, so now’s the time to make a serious push in your leagues. By streaming, you can get a leg up on your competitor in a head-to-head league or boost your counting statistics in a roto league. We’re at about the halfway point in terms of fantasy […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
As they say in Anaheim, “If you can’t get to see the Cherry Blossoms in Japan, you should get to see the Gin Blossoms in concert at the Hard Rock or Shohei Ohtani.” One Anaheim-born woman, Gina, was so excited about Ohtani that she got a tattoo of the Japanese symbol for strength, that she later found out was a tattoo of Calvin pissing on a Grateful Dead logo. Gina did it in honor of Ohtani, so it’s still close to her heart, though mostly because it’s covering a third nipple. Yesterday, Ohtani became the first Japanese born player to hit for the cycle, going 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with his 8th homer. The closest previous Asian cycle was Kurt Suzuki. When Ohtani becomes Hot-tani, there’s few players that can match him for sheer excitement, though Ian Kinsler wears sheer pantyhose under his uni, if that counts. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The sun rising at dawn as two towheaded surfers paddle out on their longboards. One surfer, Rob, wears a business suit and sunglasses. The other surfer looks like Tony Hawk’s wet brother. Tony Hawk’s wet brother asks, “Why the business threads, my brosef?” “I’m the commissioner of baseball and could be called into action at any time.” “Whoa, right on.” Rob points at the ocean, cascading out in front of them, “You see this Tony Hawk’s Wet Brother? This water as far as the eye can see?” “I do, my brosef.” “This is juice that I will be stuffing into baseballs.” “Whoa, right on.” And that’s Our Commissioner Manfred surfing in the morning sun. Yesterday, was another day for the long ball bizzonkers led by the Diamondbacks. Leading off literally and, well, literally, Jarrod Dyson went 2-for-4 and hit his 4th homer. Inner monologue, “You know you want to compare how many home runs Dyson has to David Dahl. You know you want to do it, so do it. Come on. Compare them.” Dyson’s having a nice year. “A nice year compared to who? Say it!” Hopefully, Dyson keeps it up. “You are the lamest!” Next up literally and literally, Ketel Marte went 3-for-5, 2 runs and hit his 16th homer. “I dare you to compare Marte to David Dahl!” Shut up, Inner Monologue! I hate you! Next up literally and literally, David Peralta went 1-for-4 and hit his 9th homer, as they started the game Dback-to-back-to-back. Four home runs is most home runs ever hit in a row. That record is in jeopardy this year in every inning. Then not literally, Ildemaro Vargas went 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and hit two homers (3, 4). I have a hard time suggesting him because names starting with Il confuse my pea brain. You Il Duce? No? Then goodbye! Finally and literally, Eduardo Escobar went 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and hit his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .299. Gabe Kapler said to the opposing pitcher, Jer-khoff, “Don’t blow this,” and Escobar screamed, “Did someone say blow?!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Handed down through the generations from Hammurabi to Hammurabi was a code of SAGNOF. It read, “Yo, Hamm-whaaaaaazzzzzup-be?! Don’t pay for saves, dem shizzes are free on waivers.” It read a bit like a text message, tee bee aitch. But that was the code as written. Cut to 14,000 years later, and I received this code in a dream after ingesting a massive amount of peyote. I would’ve discarded it like the iguana I also received, but there was something to this code, and from that day forward I forbade myself from paying a lot for saves. Then March came and Craig Kimbrel was falling and I was like, “Ain’t ever gonna get a price like this again!” and drafted him, and not listening to Hamm-whaaaaaazzzzzup-be really effed me. Thankfully, my long national nightmare is over and Craig Kimbrel signed with the Cubs. Does this negate all the leagues where I have Pedro Strop? *Lisa Simpson grumble* Yes, appizzarently, it does. I’d imagine Kimbrel will need at least two to three weeks of minor league games to get up to snuff, but closers can get stretched quicker than starters, obvi. I wouldn’t drop Strop until I saw a Kimbrel save, but he’s coming back. Finally. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Since the season started, us fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) have been listening for one distinctive sound. The sound of TSSST. The sound of TSSST is not a snake with a lisp. That would be pfft. No, no, the sound of TSSST is the sound of a Coors being opened in the summer. A soft sizzle sound. Yesterday, we heard our first TSSST of Coors. Pitchers pitchslapping pitchers; hitters hitting bloop singles because everyone needs to defend against the double; ten lords of leaping onto home plate for both teams. This is why I keep saying buy David Dahl (4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer); buy Trevor Story (4-for-6, 3 runs); buy Daniel Murphy (3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs); by Ryan McMahon (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer) is hopefully Brendan Rodgers (0-for-1). If baseball is bizzonkers for home runs this year, and it is, can you imagine what Coors is going to be like? Every visitor is going to have a great day, whether it’s Christian Walker (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer) or Eduardo Escobar (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer) like yesterday. Though, I still wish The Grand Cronyon was in the lineup hitting them to Boulder! (By the way, seeing a box score with Walker and McMahon both having HRs as a multiple owner of Cron/Rodgers is like seeing a picture of two guys high-fiving while treating a loved one like a Chinese finger trap.) More on Kevin Cron in this afternoon’s Buy column because my favorite movie is Die Hard With Old Habits. Speaking of buys (can you believe the smoothness of these segues?), buy all hitters in Coors. Not even Daniel Murphy, but especially Daniel Murphy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
My preseason NL MVP pick was Travis Shaw. *turns to a mirror* You’re handsome, but hella stupid. My mirror reflection separates from my body. The apparition picks up a see-through suitcase, “I think it’s time we went our separate ways.” But how will you get along out there without me? Can an apparition order Chick-fil-A or boba? “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” It was one bad call. “Tell that to my teams with Travis Shaw and Daniel Palka.” Nooooooo!!! Any hoo! My soul left me after I told it to draft Travis Shaw, and I can’t blame it. What a garbage call. Maybe Shaw will return as Travos so we can “see worth.” It’s a game of puns! With the Brewers moving on from Shaw by sending him to the Ineffective List, they called up Keston Hiura. I know I say this shizz three times a week, but he could be *the* call-up of the year. Here’s what I’ve said in the past, “One scout said this offseason at the Arizona Fall League, ‘We all talk about the bat of Vladdy, with obvious reason, but outside of Vladdy, I’d call Keston Hiura the purest power bat I saw out in Arizona. He’s just a special, special kid.’ The scout continued, ‘Have you seen my chew?’ turning his lip inside out, ‘Ah, there it is,’ then after a pause, ‘I’m big league, baby!’ I actually have owned Huira for the better part of two years in two separate NL-Only leagues, and I’m a fan. Think there’s a chance for a 18/7/.270 season. That sounds downright–Don’t say Jed Lowrie, don’t say Lowrie, don’t say Lowrie, don’t say Lowrie– Led Jowrie! (What’s worse, I thought of saying ‘what Brett Lawrie was supposed to be’ — woof!) In Double-A last year, Hiura hit 6 HRs with 11 SBs and .272 in only 73 games, but his bat will play, and, as mentioned above about how he looked in Arizona, he destroyed the AFL, getting better and better.” And that’s me quoting me! He continued to get better this year, hitting .333 with 11 HRs in 37 Triple-A games, while chipping in four steals. He was striking out way too much in Triple-A to hit .333 in the majors, but 18/7/.270 sounds about right from this point forward with a chance for more. Maybe he could even be the NL MVP. I’m kidding, apparition! Please, come back, I’m empty inside!. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
First off, big congrats to Albert Pujols (1-for-4 and his 6th homer), as he passed 2,000 RBIs. That is amazing. Now would some archaeologist find old man Pujols’s Holy Grail Goblet Room and let him retire in peace? Second off, David Fletcher went 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .310, as he finally seems to be settling in at leadoff. Can we just pause for one second and try to comprehend how stupid I am? Okay, you don’t have to rundown all my countless idiotic calls. I get it. Okay, with my stupidity in mind, it took a major league manager — Bad Assdunce, in this case — almost six weeks to realize Fletcher is the best guy to hit leadoff on the Angels. Assdunce hit Kole Calhoun (2-for-4, 3 runs, and his 9th homer, hitting .223) for 78 ABs at leadoff — a .240 hitter on a good day! Ya know, when they hire MLB managers, they’re not hiring their best and brightest. Oh, and I have it at 50/50 odds Fletcher doesn’t stay at leadoff, just so ya know. By the by, Fletcher is not in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if he’s available add him for average and hopefully counting stats. Finally, Tommy La Stella. What in the holy fudge? Only, I didn’t say fudge. I said the mother of all curse words. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Did he even have nine homers in 1,000 at-bats prior to this in his career? Not to answer, because I don’t care, but WUT. At this point, Travis Shaw would need to have the best month of his career to even tie La Stella in fantasy value. I am laughing through tears. Sad clown tears! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Michael Chavis continued to do nothing but hit Friday night going 2-for-4 with his fourth home run, a 459 foot 2-run shot (woh) off Reynaldo Lopez. Someone put a distress beacon on that ball so maybe Captain Marvel can find it in space!? Chavis is now slashing a real pretty .310/.442/.619 with four homers and two steals in just 42 at bats (13 games). Extrapolate that! If he started the season with the team he’d be the their home leader! I’m trying to figure out why he’s not owned in more leagues. Is it because he doesn’t have a sexy name like Skye Bolt or Carter Kieboom. Or maybe we haven’t done our due diligence as irritating members of Red Sox Nation to over hype this guy until you’re sick of hearing about him. Well, get ready to hear me gush about my newest BoSox heart throb because Chavis has done everything since arriving with Boston including five multi-hit games in his past 10. He’s famous around the clubhouse for the studious notes he takes after every at bat. Whaddaya think you’re some kinda smaht guy Hahvad boy? How do you like dem apples! Err, ok, wrong school but the reference still works. Did I mention the kid bats in the middle of a lineup that features Xander, JD and Mookie. Those are very good players we all know and love on a first name basis. Any hesitation most likely stems from the inevitable return of Eduardo Nunez and Dustin Pedroia (L out L) stealing his playing time, but I trust Alex Cora to play the young guys when the time comes. He was a BUY and needs to be owned wherever he’s available, Dustin and Eduardo don’t hit moon shots like that, folks. It’s time to join the Michael Chavis fan club.
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
*wavy lines indicating a dream sequence* It’s the winter of 2019. And I’m wearing pants. Okay, that’s not realistic, but it’s a dream sequence, so I’m going to go with it! Crap, I have to do my rankings. Quick, rank Gregory Polanco in the top 40 outfielders overall, because you like how he hit more fly balls last year than previous years and think 23 homers is repeatable with maybe more. Also, he’s got some 10-15 steal-speed! But, since this is a very realistic dream other than the whole pants thing, someone, who you can’t remember now, told you Polanco won’t be back until June. Better check the news reports, even though that’s rather boring for a dream sequence. Yup, Polanco’s not due back until June. Frantically, by any man’s measure but calmly by yours, move Polanco all the way down so you’ll never draft him. Now fall into a kiddie pool so you wake to think you had a wet dream. *wavy lines* Whoa, that dream was crazy in its mundaneness! So, here we are on April 23rd and Grey doesn’t freakin’ own Polanco because reports in March were saying he wouldn’t be back until a much later date. *bites stress doll’s head off* I’m good. Thanks. Yes, I would own Polanco in every league; he can be a top 40 outfielder. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 2 runs, which was better than Jesus Aguilar’s entire season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?