No joy comes from benching your ace and having him do a shot of Visine right as he’s going to bed. “I’m just going to tuck myself in with a glass of warm milk and a Visine back.” Nope, that brings me zero enjoyment. It’s like calling your mechanic and telling him that your brakes don’t work, which you found out after the valet drove your Peugeot into a Chipotle. (Even Chipotles have valets in LA.) Car’s ruined, at least I wasn’t in the damn car, but no joy. That’s what I’m getting right now from Carlos Martinez. Yesterday, he went 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.24, and it’s his 4th straight lackluster start in a row since returning from injury. He was on my bench, because I don’t trust him at all, but my car’s still being used as a salsa bar, and I don’t want pico de gallo on my hood! I want the ace pitcher I drafted! I have to assume C-Mart is still hurt, because it hasn’t only been the series of bleh starts, but the control in his last four games has been atrocious 20 BBs in 16 2/3 IP. Yesterday’s command was technically better, unless you consider being wild in the zone as big a problem. Sadly, he needs to stay on your bench until he either rights the ship or hits the Disgraceful List. Effin’ pico de gallo hood ornament! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I was feeling reflective yesterday, so I turned to the mirror and said, I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste–Mirror, “Please don’t sing that song.”–Pajamas, a hairbrush–“Please stop, please.”–New shoes, and a case! I said to my reflection, where in my rankings did Jose Ramirez place?!–“NO MORE!” I’d figured you’d like that song. “No.” You’ve heard it before? “Shut up.” Whoa, grumpy mirror. Yet another great day from Jose Ramirez (1-for-2, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (22) and legs (10), hitting .291) is what brought about my reflection. Through a 75-second detour through that website that puts everyone’s rankings together, I found out the person who ranked Jose Ramirez the highest last year ranked him 13th overall. Then I looked at where I ranked him — jackpot in my ass! — I ranked him 13th overall. I was the highest on Jo-Ram. By the by, someone ranked Jo-Ram around 130th overall. That person should quit this fake business. Bonus if it’s Clara Bell. In my rankings, I even said I wanted to rank Ramirez 12th, but wanted to separate Lindor and him. Sadly, I didn’t draft Jo-Ram anywhere, because I drafted Lindor everywhere, and, by the time the draft came back to me, Jo-Ram was gone. This was a fun trip down memory lane. Unlike when Memory Lane intersects with Cody Bellinger. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
After blowing a save Monday night, Hunter Strickland broke his hand, punching a door. Apparently, he doesn’t know how to close a door either. He also doesn’t know what punch outs are. He can’t figure out pitching from punching. He confused saves with staves. I can go on. He puts the loser in closer. A fit for all rages. Okay, you get it. He’s going to miss 6-8 weeks, needing surgery on his hand. What kind of idiot punches a door with their pitching hand?! This was his season to finally prove he could close in the majors, and he threw that away. He’ll likely get replaced by Sam Dyson (who got the 2/3 IP, 0 ER save last night) or Tony Watson, and Dyson, Watson or Mark Melancon will take the job, run with it, and Strickland’s literally ruined his career. “To be continued” for Strickland should always read, Moron. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kelvin Herrera was traded to the Nationals, and immediately lost his fantasy value — from a total geek to totally chic back to Game of Thrones’ Reek. From a SAGNOF hero to a SAGNOF zero. From sneaky fantasy value status to king status to no status. Okay, enough of the bastardized Can’t Buy Me Love […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
The album I released called Father’s Day has an intro as its first song, here it is, “This is dedicated to all those dads out there that stood by their responsibilities and raised your seed. Unless you would’ve been a terrible father, then it’s better if you shirked your responsibilities and hightailed it out of there. Something that’s rarely mentioned about absentee fathers, if you would’ve been a crap father, then it’s best if you weren’t around. The best thing some fathers could give their kids is not being there. This is dedicated to all the fathers that left. This is for all the dads that would’ve been so bads. All the pops that drank nonstops. You’re often forgotten, but we appreciate your fatherhood was misbegotten” Any hoo! Yesterday, Julio Teheran went 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 walks, 11 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.97, as he was activated from the DL. He didn’t go on a rehab assignment. Well, technically, he didn’t but he returned to face the Padres, so same diff. Teheran’s peripherals are a mess like the father who abandoned us who we now appreciate, so Teheran was money on Sunday, but don’t expect child support (this is so hashtag woke). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Off the album, Get Hits or Buy Ryon, 50 Cent sung about Many Men at a corner spot, rapping, “Many men, wish Joe Mauer on me, have mercy on me, many men.” Then on his other chart-topping song off that album, In Da Club, he rapped, “You can find at my corner slot, some schlubs. Look, mami, at my corner infidel slot I got X, if you’re into scrubs. I’m into havin’ specs, I ain’t into a corner man who’s known for his glove, so come give me a hug, if in my corner slot I got Cory Spangenberg’s mug.” He followed those up with 21 Questions, when he sang, “Would you leave me if your father found out my corner man was scrubbin’? Do you believe me when I tell you, I thought Josh Donaldson would be more than nothin’?” Then, after all those, 50 Cent managed one last smash hit with P.I.M.P., where he rapped, “I don’t know what you heard about me, but a Mitch can’t get a FAAB dollar out of me. No Kingery, no Sano, you can’t see, that my corner man is P.I.M.P.,” where P.I.M.P stood for Please, I’M Playing (Ronald Guzman). So, Ryon Healy has been one of the hottest corner man over the last week, but beyond that, on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he’s the 17th best 3B this year, in front of Kyle Seager, Longoria, Devers and Carpenter, who are all owned in more leagues than him. Healy’s also on pace for 28-31 homers with a decent-enough average. There’s no reason why he’s on waivers in any leagues. Take 50 Cent’s word for it, Get Hits or Buy Ryon! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell for this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Twins organization removed one white glove, and smacked it across Miguel Sano‘s chubby cheek. So disrespectful. Not even Triple-A. They demoted him to Single-A. Not completely surprising. Let’s recap Miguel Sano’s last few months. He showed up at camp in shape. Unfortunately, that shape was of a beach ball. Coaches weren’t sure what to make of him, asking, “Are you ready to play?” Sano put it into reverse to face the coach who questioned him, and his reverse lights came on but not his newly installed reversing truck beep, which sent him into a backspin, literally, for most of the spring. Then, he came out of camp, looking ready to eat baseballs for dinner rather than his usual Triple-triple-double-triple-double-triple-single-triple meaty-meatburger, but that was short-lived, and he hit the DL towards the end of April with a hamstring injury. At that point, Sano said, “If I had known I had a hamstring in my leg all this time, I would’ve eaten it.” He then motioned for a tuxedoed waiter to pepper mill his leg, and asked for parmesan. He told the waiter, “I call this hamstring carbonara.” After about three weeks out of commission, he returned, but didn’t look fully recovered, because he’s in terrible shape, then he hit .162 in June and got demoted. Hey, Sano, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t take the clubhouse refrigerator with you either. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“Lower the koozie a little bit. No, a little bit more. Okay, now spray some mist on the outside of the can to make it look like it’s sweating. Now rub your finger from the D in Dr. to the R in Pepper. This is romance! For me!” That’s me explaining to Cougs how I want her to seduce me with a visual metaphor of Juan Soto. Or as I like to call him, Sexy Dr. Pepper. Last night he hit two more homers (2-for-3, 4 RBIs) and now has five homers on the year, hitting .344 since his call-up and he’s only 19 years old. *puts handkerchief to head, faints* He was the first 19-year-old to homer at a Yankee Stadium since Ken Griffey Jr. in 1989. He is the fifth youngest major leaguer with a two-homer game (Mel Ott, Danny Murphy (not that one), Griffey, Andruw Jones). He is the third youngest major leaguer to show up at Yankee Stadium and say, “A concession guy offered his wife to me for sex.” (Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich) Not to put the hype too much to eleven, but he is blowing away what Bryce and Trout did when they were both 19 years old. 19-year-olds who hit a home run in the last 40 years: Soto, Bryce, Trout, Justin Upton, Andruw, Griffey and Juan Gonzalez. Betting on a 19-year-old to fail who is already up in the majors succeeding is betting the Don’t Pass line, and no one likes that guy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
*life flashing before eyes right before death* Wow, that’s a lot times I picked up and dropped Chase Anderson. Is it weird I can understand where Mike Tyson was coming from when he said he wanted to eat Lennox Lewis’ children? Some of these players — Sonny Gray, Jon Gray, Chase Anderson — come to mind that make me want to eat someone’s children. Not really (yes, really). Why couldn’t Chase Anderson do this when he was on my team?! *lines tacks up on desk, slams head down* I’m okay! *blood dripping from forehead like Abdullah the Butcher* I can’t see! *screaming at intern* Getmeahandiwipesoicansee–Okay, I can see again. I’m still seeing blood though. Yesterday, Chase Anderson went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13. The peripherals are still not there for Anderson — 6.1 K/9, 3.5 BB/9, 5.17 xFIP — so I won’t be going back in on him. That doesn’t mean it won’t make me think about salt and peppering some kids if he pitches well again. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Said like DJ Khaled, “Another one.” The Rays called up Willy Adames (1-for-2, 2 RBIs) as they placed Daniel Robertson on the DL. You might remember him better as Commander Willy Adames of the Battlestar Galactica. S’nerdy. “Hey, Grey, if your mustache wasn’t so full and well-groomed, I’d noogie you so hard.” That’s you reading my Battlestar Galactica reference. Sorry, guys and girls, there’s space for both of us. Bam! A line I think I’m quoting but prolly not. Any hoo! Captain Adames is a Xander Bogaerts-type, according to Prospector Ralph. On the top 100 fantasy baseball prospect list, he wrote, “One of toughest types to rank on top prospects lists. The middle infield prospect, who has always been young for his level, with advanced hitting, but neither standout speed or power. Adames might take a few seasons to find mixed leagues relevance, but he should develop enough power to be a very viable shortstop option by 2020. By which time Grey’s a distant memory and I run this ‘itch!” What is up with that, man?! Adames is the kind guy hard to get excited about if he’s a 15/10/.280 hitter, but since he’s only 22 years old, if he grows into more power, he could be a future high-end shortstop. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?