Know why Steve Pearce went off yesterday for three homers (3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 6th, 7th and 8th homer)? Because he’s only owned in 3% of fantasy leagues. That’s spiteful, Steve Pearce. Spite is one of the seven deadliest sins. Right after that soup the fat guy ate in Se7en. Not to be confused with Goop, which is Paltrow’s career after she stopped being harassed by Harvey Weinstein. Allow a gross, sweaty producer to rub his genitals against you in unwanted advances, win an Oscar. Sleep with that guy from Coldplay, do movies with Huey Lewis. Speaking of Coldplay, Pearce has been terrible for the last few weeks, but the Sawx have committed to Pearce in a favorable lineup spot, at least against lefties, which he’s rewarded them with solid production (hitting near-.360 vs. lefties). He’s not quite at a Goop-level bounce back, but he is above starring with Huey Lewis and/or Chris Martin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Kole Calhoun went 1-for-2 and his 14th homer and, seriously, how many home runs does he have since the break? 475? Am I warm? Because it feels like I’m super warm…*eyes drift to a mirror* …so super, super warm. Hot even. What’s your name? *snaps out of it* Damn it, reflection! Okay, starting a dynasty team, Trout or Calhoun? It’s too difficult to decide! What is this world coming to with the fire emoji that is Kole Calhoun in the last two weeks? I can’t handle it. Literally, and I’m wearing oven mitts. Here’s Calhoun two weeks ago: *opens DeLorean door* “I can go anywhere? How about Balco in 2001?” Somehow, Calhoun is only owned in 45% of leagues, which I hope means 55% of people are already checking out our fantasy football rankings. If not, shame. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I watch all trading deadline deals like I’m watching Hereditary. Hands firmly pressed over my eyes, occasionally I’ll peek out. See a Jon Heyman tweet coming and prepare to scream. Then a long exhale. “Ah, thank God, it’s not a player I own nor does it affect any of my other guys.” Then, out of nowhere, Brian Dozier gets traded to the Dodgers and my head goes into a tailspin like it’s a WHOMP on the old Batman TV show. “But what about Max Muncy? Can Chris Taylor still play? What about Kiké?! Please tell me Kiké’s still in PLAY!” Then I take 150 milligrams of Percocet and go to the park to watch pre-teens and all of their innocence. In my head, I scream to them, “You’ll never know my pain!” And smile lopsidedly until another adult asks me to leave. So, the Dodgers are now fielding the NL All-Star team from now until October. Dozier will likely slot into the two or three hole and I still like him for a huge 2nd half. Max Muncy and Chris Taylor are not likely going to be as fortunate, as I have no idea where the Dodgers can play all of these guys. If you’ve been burned by the trade deadline, I will smile lopsidedly and creep out someone for you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jays traded Roberto Osuna to the Astros for Ken Giles. Basically, they traded headaches. If the Jays and Astros wanted to do what was best for baseball, they would have Giles and Osuna step into a steel cage, right at the Canadian border, and whoever was able to get out, that would be who would continue on. It can have lots of little Canadian touches too, like a maple syrup hazard and scaffolding designed by Bret Hart. “Giles looks like he’s going to escape–Ooh, a Mountie greets him with poutine in the eye. Would’ve thought he’d look out for that, but it never o’CURD’d to him.” “Mean” Gene Okerlund with the pun! I like this trade for both teams. Your piece of shizz for my piece of shizz. All trades should be this clearcut. As for fantasy, Roberto Osuna should take over in Houston when he returns next week, but Hector Rondon had been pitching well (until his last outing). Might not be Osuna immediately, but I’d imagine he gets in the 9th by his third appearance. Pretty much same deal with Ken Giles. Though, there’s a lot more emphasis on Ken with Giles. Ken he? I don’t know, but the Jays also have less desirable options, so I could see Giles getting saves even quicker than Osuna. In most leagues, I’d grab both. Or whichever makes it out of the steel cage.
Gotta think Ken Giles punched his own ticket.
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 30, 2018
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I try to avoid repeating ledes during the season and Sean Newcomb already had one. There I said, “It’s 2074, Grey Albright’s frozen head is on a shelf next to Ted Williams’ frozen head…I took a picture of Ted’s penis…I’m so romantic!” Damn, I pull quotes almost as well as I dispense fantasy baseball advice! By the way, I watched the Ted Williams special on PBS this weekend. Biggest surprise (to me), he was Mexican. He was the original Fernandomania — Teodoromania? When I searched Ted Williams and his Mom, that dominated the search results and who are we to question Google? So, Sean Newcomb ended the game one out from a no hitter against the Dodgers, one of the best offense teams — 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.23. I pulled the reins on Newcomb in the last few weeks because his peripherals are garbage and I’m only happy when I’m pulling reins. His velocity is down, his 8.3 K/9, 4.3 BB/9 and 4.32 xFIP are not telling the whole story, but they’re telling enough of the story while sitting around a campfire farting. Then on Sunday, he threw 134 pitches. I’m all for hypnotizing pitchers into thinking they’re Walter Johnson, but he had never pitched more than 111 pitches in the majors. Solid game on Sunday, but if you grab Newcomb he could leave a mushroom cloud in his wake, and not as in an umami bomb. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Michael Conforto is a Buy. A Mets hitter. Long pause. Hearing Dominick the Donkey on the radio. Realizing that pause was until Christmas. “Hey, chingedy ching, hee haw, hee haw. It’s Conforto, the fantasy baseball Buy donkey. The Italian Christmas Fantasy Baseball Buy Donkey. He plays for the Mets and you know what this means? The label on the inside of his uni says they’re made in Queens.” In the beginning of the season, Conforto looked like he was working with three-quarters of his ability. So, who’s he, Confor? Julius Caesar never came, saw and Confor’d, right? The lawyers didn’t Confor with the judge before sentencing Conforto to three months of terrible hitting. Confor the lousy hitting, stay for the fear of success? Yes, but no. What I think we’re going to hear this offseason is Conforto is going to say the first few months of the season, his shoulder was still bothering him, but, by the 2nd half, that started to ease. On our last 7 day Player Rater, Conforto is top 15, and could be in store for a solid 2nd half if his injury is finally healed. Now get the Italian Christmas Fantasy Baseball Buy Donkey! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
J.A. Happ might’ve realized he wasn’t staying with the Jays much longer when guys in the front office kept asking him if he liked the team’s new jersey and it was the same jersey he had been wearing but a small man with a goatee, who said he worked as Peter Dinklage’s stunt double for parts of season 2 and 3 of GOT, was standing with his hand over the ‘Ja’ of Jays. Happ tried to understand, “Do I like the Blue Ys?” The front office exec tried to lead him to the answer, “If there was no,” motioning to Dinklage’s stunt double’s hand covering the ‘Ja,’ “In the Jays, would that be okay with you?” Rather than the low-rent game of charades, they just traded him to the Yankees. Happ should be happy to be out of Canada, we have a burgeoning coal economy. No idea what Happ will do on the Yankees, but what he SHOULD (caps for emphasis, not due to a sticky keyboard) is be great. His 10.3 K/9, 2.8 BB/9 and 3.63 xFIP makes him easily the 2nd best pitcher on the Yankees and around that of a top 30 starter. Also, the AL East is like this: J.A. Happ mimes wiping dandruff off his shoulder. Nothing to it, kid! Of course, it’s been like this all year and he still has a 4.18 ERA, so ‘should’ and ‘would’ can have a baby and it will still be, ‘who knows?’ Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Nathan Eovaldi was sent to the Red Sox for Jalen Beeks. That’s right, Beeks in Tropicana. Orange you glad they’re Trading Places? We can only hope Dan Aykroyd comes to the games in black face to switch out Beeks’ briefcase. *insert Eddie Murphy laugh* Sigh. I miss Eddie Murphy. Speaking of aging comedians, I was watching Comedians in Cars Yadda and, boy, Jerry Seinfeld got old and bitter, right? He’s becoming Robert Klein, Jerry Lewis and, well, lots of old comedians. Any hoo! Eovaldi is getting passed around the AL East like Johnny Damon. Thankfully, he can throw better than him. Moving to Fenway does not help Eovaldi. I won’t tell you he had a 2.12 ERA at home and a 5.18 ERA in away games, except to tell you that while telling you I won’t say it. It’s not completely fair, though, because players are just better at home, in general, wherever that home is, but Fenway is unforgiving, especially if you’re not white. (I kid.) Eovaldi should provide value in the right matchups, but he’s far from a ‘start every time out’ guy. As for Beeks, he was placed inside a gorilla suit and shipped off to a much better landing spot. He appeared on Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects list. You scrolling for him, “Uh…Um….Is he here….Where is he….Oh, there. Geez.” Yeah, he’s deep, and he’s simply a streamer for this year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Zach Britton was traded to the Yankees. The Yankees acquired Britton to throw out all Boston players’ tea. Now the Yankees just need to acquire Ben Revere to ride into Boston and tell everyone in Fenway what’s up. “Excuse me, Jimmy McMalley, should we Google when the Yankees are coming to town next?” “I don’t think that’s necessary, Shane O’Irishharvard, the Yankees have a lovely black gentleman riding into town named Revere with a Britton” “Splendid, Jimmy, splendid.” And that’s how Massholes discuss current events. Britton now moves about three innings from the ninth. Is he gonna pitch the 6th? Not sure, to be honest, but he’s not closing, so in most leagues you can drop him. As for Baltimore’s new closer? Like neon scrunchies, what’s old is new again, and Brad Brach should regain the closer job. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Daniel Poncedeleon was called up and threw no hitter (thru seven innings and then was pulled from game while striking out three hitters, but it’s more fun to say he threw a no-hitter, so ignore this). Incredibly, Poncedeleon is 478 years old, and he could be the ROY. *intern whispers in my ear* That’s an F? What the hell is, ‘He could be a FOY?’ The fountain of the year? What are you talking about? Rookie of the youth? What are you talking about? Sorry, having a miscommunication with my intern. Any hoo! In Triple-A, he had a 10.1 K/9 — up my giddy! — a 4.7 BB/9 — put my roll on slow! — a 2.15 ERA — getting the fever! — with a 4.99 xFIP — so I’m taking some ‘Tussin. He might surprise some major league lineups, but he could easily go out and destroy you. By the way, Bartolo Colon is so intent on 300 wins that he might follow Poncedeleon wherever he goes. On the reals, Poncedeleon’s dad in the stands after his son threw seven no-hit innings gave me the feels, especially when you figure his dad has to be at least 498 years old. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?