You In January, “You ranked Bryce Harper where? At 11th overall? I feel like, and don’t take this the wrong way, but you might’ve hit your head and unleashed another part of your brain that most people hide. Let’s call it, The Stupid Brain. And by you unleashing The Stupid Brain, it’s caused you to do stupid things. Like the Bryce Harper ranking. If you didn’t hit your head and you think The Stupid Brain is actually your The Smart Brain, let me be the first person to say, no, it’s absolutely stupid. Anyway, go Mets!” The funny thing about You In January is he never shows up in April. You In January disappears until next January, then spouts off terrible opinions to disappear again. Any hoo! Glad to see Bryce Harper (3-for-4, 6 RBIs, 1st, 2nd and 3rd homer) get going. On a related matter, can the Philly fans give Trea Turner a standing ovation? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Spencer Turnbull – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks. Wow, even ex-Tigers are doing well now away from Detroit. It’s like 8 Mile is on Broadway, starring the actor who was in the Stan music video, and winning Tonys vs. Nathan Lane, and no one beats Nathan Lane at the Tonys!
Brandon Marsh – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. A guy named Marsh who sure looks like he has swamp ass.
Graham Ashcraft – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Started Ashcraft in one league yesterday and was cursing the TV when the game was played, because the rain seemed to be coming down so hard the game might be called in the middle of his outing, which could’ve been the worst, unless it was a serendiPPDy. Ended up a solid outing that was only rained-on by Bryce.
Justin Foscue – Rangers’ 1st round pick from 2020 was called up to replace Josh Jung, who will miss at least six weeks. Damn, the Rangers don’t want to play my baby, Ezequiel Duran. That’s okay, I will keep my head high and learn to be a bigger man–[sobbing, screaming] No fair! Okay, okay, this isn’t all about me. Though, I did manage to draft Ezequiel Duran and Rengifo in a lot of leagues to cover all sorts of positions, and they’ve managed about three ABs so far. Justin Foscue was the 5th best Rangers prospect this past year for Itch, where he said, “The 14th overall pick in 2020, the 5’11” 205 lb Foscue has progressed steadily through the minors producing solid lines at every level. In 122 Triple-A games, he drew 85 walks and struck out just 70 times (12.4 percent). In most organizations, his slash line of .266/.394/.468 with 18 home runs and 14 steals would put him in line for an early big league look in 2024. In Texas, he may wind up waiting in the wings all season, and I’d like to clip Grey’s wings.” That’s right, because I am an angel! I grabbed Foscue in a few leagues, because of power/hit tool, but I’m not sure I’ll hold him very long or past my next hot schmotato.
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. If I liked Paredes anymore this preseason, I would’ve put on makeup, called myself Ethel Merman and started singing, I Love A Paredes.
Zach Eflin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.25. Ugh, so I shouldn’t have dropped him after his 1st start? Shucks!
Junior Caminero – Hit the minor league IL with a quad strain. See, Rays were smart to send him down.
Louie Varland – 4 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Fun fact! Louie Rhineland was a French guy who lost his house in 1936. (Legitimately the most random thing I’ve ever said.) Any hoo! Varland looked better than the line. Does that ease your pain? No? Sorry, it’s all I got.
Jakob Junis – 4 IP, 1 ER. As I said with Varland looking better than the line? Junis looked worse. Do what you want with this info. Streamonator hates his next, and I don’t disagree.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Something I’m not sure I mentioned yet. When I was in Vegas for the Main Event draft the weekend before Opening Day, I put money on Yelich winning NL MVP. What, Snell can win the Cy every five years, but Yelich can’t do same with MVP?
Brice Turang – 2-for-3, 1 RBI, and his 5th and 6th steal. He’s on pace for 190 steals. Taking the over. LFG!
Alec Marsh – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. I wouldn’t let Alec Marsh carry Brandon Marsh’s beard shavings! Snap! Own him! Not in fantasy though. Double snap! Okay, I kid. Marsh looks like a four-pitch guy with a 94 MPH fastball (nice), sweeper looks legit and he gets the White Sox next. I’d give him a little run.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4 and his 2nd and 3rd homer. I’m reminded how he went to me for $1 in one of my ‘perts leagues. Hmm, seems like a good deal still.
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Did he look damn good or pretty normal for a pitcher going against the White Sux? I don’t know, but I have Reynaldo rostered in leagues and I was happy with his first start. Not as happy as I’d be with…
Garret Crochet – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.38. This start was vs. the Braves, and he did this? Damn. I mean, dayum. Big time day-um. Yes, the rarely used triple damn, dayum, day-um. He’s the guy to pick up. I know, there’s a ton of guys to pick up in some leagues, but Crochet is The Guy. Go, and grab him before it’s too late.
Michael Kopech – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER and his 1st save. Now you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it (it’s not).
Bo Naylor – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. The other day Josh homered, today it was Bo. Last Friday it was the Romans. Big week for Naylors.
Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Don’t trust people who say Bieber is back after two starts. Maybe he is, but confidence after two starts should make you wary.
Luis Castillo – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.75. Can you buy low? Then that sounds good.
Brayan Bello – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.40. This start was vs. the A’ss, which makes me feel like Michael kissing Fredo. How could you, Bello?
JJ Bleday – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hits third. That is so hilariously sad. Bleday is the A’s best hitter; he also wouldn’t be starting for roughly 27 other teams.
Shea Langeliers – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! He performs on stage as Sia Chandeliers.
Logan Webb – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.52. Apparently, benching Webb vs. the Dodgers was the move. *dodges tomato* Sorry!
Jorge Soler – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Think if Soler called Dodger Stadium home, he’d be Teoscar. Since he doesn’t, hopefully he’s Jorge Soler, and not, say, Wilmer Flores.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (1). Mookie Best. Literally.
Christopher Morel – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. And soon 3rd base eligibility! I can’t love him anymore.
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He homered off A. Molina aka Doc Ock.
Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Seiya ball!
Javier Assad – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. He was one of the easiest Streamonator calls of the early season. The Rockies, A’s and White Sox are the worst teams that have ever played in MLB. I don’t know how to quantify this, but I know it’s true.
Christian Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Is it too early to hope for 50 homers? It’s not? Oh good!
Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.82. He shutout the Yanks–Well, he shutout Soto, Volpe and O-Cab. No one else on that team has shown up yet from camp.
Nestor Cortes – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.30. Can someone hypnotize him into thinking it’s 2022?
Willson Contreras – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Padres fans threw the homer ball back on the field and Oli Marmol threw it back to the fans.
Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.10 vs. Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.30. This matchup was billed as “Miles/Yu, or ‘What a stoned Grey says to a road sign.'”
Framber Valdez – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.19. Well, the Jays got a hit off him. Barely.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Not bad for a guy who can’t ride most rollercoasters.
Josh Hader – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.75, moving his record to 0-2. Hey, what if we got rid of all closers? How about that idea?
Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Begrudgingly, “Thank you, War Room.”
Davis Schneider – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Maybe he is more than “getting playing time because he’s the manager’s son.”
Joey Bart – Acquired by the Pirates. Okay, but y’all better let Henry Davis get catcher eligibility first.
Jesus Luzardo – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Things aren’t great when you only get out Anthony “Automatic Out” Rendon.
Bryan De La Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Bryan De La Snooze awakens!
Tyler Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Streamonator call? Yes, but I will say, early on it’s important to pay attention because streamers quickly become holds. You, “Pay attention? That’s why I have you.”
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Now has more homers than Ohtani. Angels’ front office with another win!
