Please see our player page for Spencer Turnbull to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

It’s second-half baseball! Nothing more exciting than watching the race for the bottom. [thinks of headline to submit to TMZ] ENYWHEY. Enough about the Athletics. We’ve got one of these great years for the AL Central. The Minnesota Twins would be in 4th place in the AL East, but are somehow atop the leaderboard in the flyover division. The Twins wouldn’t be in first place in any other division in baseball except for our beloved AL  Central, home to the Kansas City Royals and Detroit Tigers. Remember when those teams were threats, and Miggy and Beltran and Greinke and Scherzer and Verlander were all just little spuds waiting to be big potatoes? No you don’t remember them because you were born in this century and only stumbled upon my article because some TikTok star made fun of it? Welcome, junior! Let’s win you a fantasy league. 

It’s the second half of the MLB season, so much like like our pants after seconds at the 4th of July picnic, we need to adjust.  

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Hidey-ho neighborino! Is that phrase trademarked or just very, very old? Fine, let’s dismiss the formalities and get straight to the nitty-gritty: men who throw balls. Hard. We’re at the point in the pre-season where we understand that the MLB and MLBPA are definitely far, far away from any sort of agreement on a contract. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s actually a “realistic” contract that’s been shared between the groups and we’ll see that contract appear the first week of March, just in time for a shortened spring training and perfectly-timed Opening Day. But that’s just me spitballing labor negotiations, and what do I know other than the chords to every song on Green Day’s Dookie album? I suppose I know pitchers somewhat well, and wouldn’t you know it — I’ve got a pitcher listicle for you! A Pitchsticle!

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Razz-a-ma-tazzers, there are two rules at Razzball that I made up*:

At Razzball, we keep our promises to bring you honest news about pain.
At Razzball, we also provide you with actionable fantasy baseball insights.
*Razzball leadership did not sanction or approve of these two rules.

In this edition of Ambulance Chasers, I will provide you with an MLB lockout update as well as a BONUS 2022 SP injury update and outlook.

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All I ever wanted for Christmas was to see Robbie Ray get all worked up. And Santa brought me my gift early this year! Maybe you casual fans just want to see Lance Lynn get worked up, but when Robbie Ray and the Orioles manager get into a tongue-lashing, that’s the kind of baseball I want to see! Yeah, things are getting pretty slow here on the baseball side. On the plus side, I’m in the top 20 in RazzSlam. On the downside, the cutline only sends the top 10 to the playoffs. So, it’s kind of like I’m the benevolent tight-pants-loving lord of a small fiefdom that resides outside of Coolwhip’s kingdom. I beg thee, King Coolwhip, let Luis Severino pitch! How are all of your teams doing? Still active? Let’s see if we can find some pitchers for your fantasy playoffs!

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Just got back from the First Annual Razzball Flag Football Competition, where we took on Bishop Sycamore in a battle of the fake schools. As expected, Donkey Teeth served as a quarterback while Grey stood on the sidelines wearing his “Coach” attire. It was a little weird to see him wandering around with a $10,000 handbag, but I don’t judge. Rudy called the plays, although his reliance on bootleg plays 90% of the time really underestimated DT’s ability to turn left. He’s a donkey, Rudy! He goes forwards! Besides from DT being stubborn, the game played out fairly nicely, with yours truly spraining an ankle in the first 30 seconds and then spending the next hour watching the game from the shade of a tree with a little adult beverage. In the end, Bishop Sycamore defeated the Razzballers 122-6, our only points coming from an accidental pick-6 when Coolwhip designed a replica Bishop Sycamore jersey and snuck onto the other team. Their rosters were so confusing they didn’t notice. On to the Greinke graphic and the pitchers! Hut, hut, hike! 

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Fantasy playoffs! I don’t kink shame here. If you’re Googling “MLB Playoff Fan Fiction,” that’s your thing. My thing? Ranking pitchers in a giant table. We’re down to the last month of the MLB regular season — and many fantasy leagues are in the playoffs already — so you’ll want to start any hot hand you think will help your team. Within reason, of course. We’re going to see a lot of rookie starters called up, and even with their immense hype (see Cabrera, Edward), they can still put up lackluster performances that don’t really help your cause. As always, consult Rudy’s Streamonator Tools (and if you’re not subscribed, where have you been? Jump in and support us!) and check-in with the writers throughout the week. We’re here to help!

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It’s back-to-school week! Do we have any students out there reading this, or is it all just all people who last updated their phones when Bell Northern went AWOL? Still can’t believe the price I used to get on long distance. With each passing week, we’re watching a couple more pitchers fall to the injury, so let’s try and focus on finding some replacements for the arms that just hit the IL.

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I’m writing this lede as Tristan McKenzie comes off a near-perfect game with 11Ks. As fans — like, baseball fans who spend their time watching games and maybe even attending them — this is cool as hell, right? A rookie throws a no-hitter in his first appearance on Saturday night and then another near-rookie throws a near-perfect game the next day. Each pitcher is on a bombing team that is in a race for draft picks in the 2022 lottery. Yet, the players refuse to give up. They see the lights, the contracts, the ability to overcome their past mistakes. But we as fantasy players, sometimes we’re just puzzled. Do I like McKenzie in a real-life setting? Oh hell yeah, I named him the “Cardiac Kid” last year after his desire to be a cardiologist. But in fantasy? He struck out as many batters on Sunday as he had struck out in his previous 3 starts combined (he also had a 6.00 ERA / 6.00 FIP / 5.8 K/9). The reason we play fantasy sports is just because wild stuff like this happens. The unexpected happens every week, and we can’t predict who will throw a no-hitter or who will get blown up. With that, I bid everybody a great week as we round the corner into the last weeks of the fantasy baseball season. 

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Howdy folx! Are you asleep at the wheel of your fantasy baseball teams yet? Are you imagining a world where you had a couple hundred more dollars in your pocket and didn’t start your draft with Mike Trout, Lou Bob, and Eloy? Or spend 65% of your FAAB on Huascar Ynoa? Come now, let us commiserate! We’re closing in on the most important weeks of the season while you struggle to get into that last playoff spot so you can take on the team that FAAB’d Shane McClanahan and sold high on Aroldis Garcia. Also, I’ve moved on from the Greinke graphic. See ya later Zack!

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I spent Friday afternoon calling TD Ameritrade to see if Grey had traded me to ESPN for the return of Manny Ramirez to MLB. After seeing reports on Twitter from Jeff Passan that Grey was actually at Boba Hut — the Star Wars-themed boba joint — instead of The Great Fantasy Industry Meetup, I started to relax. My eyes shut, the words Fidelio shooting through my head. Yes, I was loyal to Razzball. Grey was loyal to me. I could sleep, not worried about being traded…And then the e-mail from Boba Hut came. Its contents stated: “1 – Mandalorian Suit, Size XL. 1 – Boba Hut Face Mask (extra ventilated). 1 – Boba Hut Platinum Membership Card. Start date: August 1, 2021.” He sold me for a boba! Grey, I hope you enjoy that umami texture. As for me, I’ll be on the 4AM – 10PM shift at the Boba Hut in Pasadena, so come see me if you have a moment.

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We’re 60% of the way through the season and you haven’t sued us for boredom! I can’t believe we’re not boring! I’m going to put that on my next CV so that my next potential employer can reject a “not boring” person. Or maybe that will get me kicked out of Elon Musk’s hole-digging company. Ever wonder why billionaires want to dig holes and fly into space at the same time? Probably for their space boring tech. Elon Musk watched The Expanse and thought it was an inspirational business story. I think he’d make a good asteroid maven. Can’t become president on Earth? Why not be king of your own asteroid? Rob Manfred’s probably already prepping for a 2030 Moon Base MLB game, sponsored by Gemini, where all the players get paid in Bitcoin. Then when Shohei Ohtani Jr. hits a 3,000 foot popup, Manfred will cancel low gravity on the moon and return all the players to their natural home: a row of folding chairs in a hotel lobby. I kid! We here at Razzball love Rob Manfred and everything he’s done for the game of baseball, including making the lives of pitcher rankers completely miserable by getting rid of Spider Tack. Catch me after the Greinke graphic to see what’s in store for the rest of the season!

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