Please see our player page for Shane Bieber to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

In case you haven’t noticed, we are now less than two weeks away from Opening Day folks. Most of you are avid baseball fanatics so I know you don’t need a reminder, but it just feels awesome to be able to say it. After another long winter the best day of the year is almost upon us. Back again to look at some discounts you might find in your upcoming drafts, here are some starting pitchers I feel like will significantly outproduce their current draft prices.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What does Michael Jackson and O.J. Simpson have in common? If you’re thinking “guilty”, well I don’t know about that. I know what I think, but I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. Don’t want to ruffle any feathers. The answer I was looking for was that they both got off and there was a glove involved. Get it? Don’t like it? Well you can beat it. That’s right, just beat it. Even Mike Tyson said he wouldn’t let his eight year old son hang out with Jackson. Reggie maybe, but definitely not Michael. R Kelly outta get himself a right fielder’s glove!

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Not Your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers…

Starting pitchers: You can’t live with em, you can’t win your fantasy baseball league and then use the championship trophy to score babes without em. I know, you won’t be able to do that second part either way, but it’s called fantasy baseball for a reason.

Starting pitchers remind me of grandparents. Oh boy, where’s Donkey going with this one? Don’t worry Grey’s random italicized voice, I won’t get into my James Shields pants peeing analogy.

When they’re young, visits with gramps and granny are full of excitement and unexpected gifts; those times are as magical as a Walker Buehler vs. Jack Flaherty locker room sword fight. But as time passes, and our elders age, it’s not all ice cream, pizza and 13 strikeout gems. Hips are fractured and ulnar collateral ligaments are severed. The pizza and ice cream is replaced by prune juice and fruit cakes, with a side of 8 earned runs in 2/3rds of an inning.  And of course there’s the erectile dysfunction, brought on by another Tyler Chatwood misfire.

In this biweekly top 100 starting pitchers column, I’ll track developments of decreased blood-flow, fractured hips and, most importantly, those mythical GILFs (Grandmothers I‘d Like to play Fantasy baseball with; what did you think it stood for?) as they rise across the fantasy pitching horizon. Here’s a little GILF tease along with my preseason top 100 to hold all you grandmother lovers over…

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Cougs’ brother bought a place in Jackson Hole, Wyoming; I mentioned to Cougs at one point in the last five years of marriage I skied once twenty years ago, and that’s the story of how I drafted a fantasy team falling graciously down the side of a mountain.  That’s right, ya boy went skiing this past weekend, and was drafting from a ski lift!  Thankfully, Geronimo Berroa is no longer in the league, because I might’ve ended up with him on my team because I kept screaming out his name during each round.  So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an AL Only league that was hosted by Scott White of CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than your aunt after two cocktails.  This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues.  Or closet buddies, if you’re reading fast and/or experimenting.)  Anyway, here’s my 12-team AL-Only team and some thoughts:

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The best 2019 fantasy baseball team is a misnomer.  Thankfully, none of us know what misnomer means.  Sounds to me like someone tentatively wants to date the Travelocity Gnome’s daughter, “Miss Gnome, er, you wanna grab some boba and chill?”  Miss Gnome brushes back her hair and bats her eyelashes that are almost as long as her two-and-half foot body, “I’d love to,” but her voice is high-pitched, which is a turn-off, so you cancel plans with her repeatedly until she gets the hint.  Sorry, Miss Gnome, I like my women’s voices low like their stature.  Any hoo!   So the title is a bit of a superlative.  What was I gonna say, “The Mostly Kinda Good Fantasy Baseball Team?”  You’ll get over your scoffing; I have faith in you.  This is the best 2019 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2019 fantasy baseball and top 500 for 2019 fantasy baseball.  Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different, but equally terrific… Well, one of the twenty-five would only be sorta terrific, but it would be really hard to tell which one that is.  If I took Adalberto Mondesi in the 2nd round, everything after would change.  If I took Javier Baez in the 1st round, everything after would change.  I’ve previously gone over my 2019 fantasy baseball draft prep for the first few rounds and pitchers pairings.  For this exercise, I’m taking Trea Turner first, because, well, people complain I always did this post by taking Mike Trout first, so I’m switching it up, like when you combover right instead of left.  Until pick 100, I’m taking one guy somewhere in every fifteen picks.  It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted Scherzer and deGrom in the first two rounds and I was able to take Bryce Harper in the 2nd round (which is very likely), but since Treat Urner and him are in my first 14 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both.  Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken.  People tend to look at team need over value.  So for this exercise, once I get to pick #101, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks.  Finally, because there is so much latitude in the last 300, I gave myself free reign to fill up my team.  Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward.  Or reach around, if you’re feeling frisky.  It should still be my ideal team… Or not.  Let’s see, shall we?  Bee tee dubya, this team is a 12-team, 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues (go sign up).  Anyway, here’s the best 2019 fantasy baseball team:

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The intro for Yahoo’s 2019 fantasy baseball rankings reminds of a Dear John letter written by your ex-wife.  Only your name is Kevin and she accidentally writes “John,” and doesn’t have a chance to proofread it because she’s bedding down your best friend.  Read for yourself:

Sure, guys and five girl readers, “You’ll find your familiar Trouts’, the Betts’, the Martinez’, but questions remain.”

Huh?

Yeah, I have questions that, uh, remain.  How many Trouts have they ranked?  The Betts’?  Did they rank his entire family?  The Martinez’?  Is that like World War Z, but instead it’s, “An Apostrophe Z?”

“When should the first pitcher go off the board, and should there be more than one?”

Said like Ron Burgundy, “That’s not English.”  Should there be more than one?  Are Yahoo leagues this year one-pitcher leagues?  I’m so confused.  Did 100 monkeys with 100 typewriters, who only read Bleacher Report, write up this intro?

“Enough talk though.  Let’s jump into the rankings!”

Ha!  Was there enough talk?  I’ve written more in this intro than they wrote.  With that level of effort, they don’t even deserve this evisceration, but… *sharpens nails that look like the 108-year-old Asian man in the Guinness Book of World Records* …here goes nothing.  For this post, I will be looking at the consensus Yahoo 2019 fantasy baseball rankings vs. my own 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.

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Our 2019 Razzball leagues are in full signup mode. Today, I’m in dress-down mode.  Casually coming for you in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but slippers and a multicolored housecoat that’s half open so you can see the family jewels while I apply my Ambi.  Here’s what Grey thinks about you (repeat 17x).  I’m about to blow my top as I let my aggravation Michael Bublé over.  If you’re clutching pearls like Barbara Bush’s hologram, you’re better off looking at cute pet pics on Instagram, because I’m sharpening my pointer fingers, i.e., the fingers that I use to type!  I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children!  See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids.  Like a baller!  A shot caller!  An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!”  Now let’s open a window and defenestrate ESPN’s 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.  To the tune of Ice Cube’s No Vaseline:

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Do you remember the last time you swung and missed?

Maybe it happened at your beer league softball game? Or maybe it was during last week’s company-wide meeting when you thought you’d tell that funny story about the peanut butter thing but screwed up the beginning, and nobody laughed—not even Amber from accounting who giggles at everything—so you sat down all hot faced, feeling stupid all day?

Or maybe you’re thinking of that day you finally asked out Amber from Accounting, and that time she did laugh?

Nobody likes to swing and miss, is all I’m saying. And nobody likes that awkward what-what of trying to save a story from a bad opening line. Here’s some baseball-related proof:

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*rubbing hands together*  This is where things get interesting.  Anyone could tell you Scherzer, deGrom, yadda, blabbedy, blue are top 20 starters.  I could ask some bean counter in Modesto, California who the top 20 starters and he’d know, and he counts beans!  Anyone can count beans!  Honestly, why is he counting beans?  Seems like a waste of time.  Any hoo!  The top 40 starters for 2019 fantasy baseball is a bit like the top 20 for 2019 fantasy baseball.  It could go dozens of ways.  This is the way I went.  Here’s Steamer’s 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers.  All projections listed are mine and I mention where I see tiers starting and stopping.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2019 fantasy baseball:

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“Saving the best sleeper for last,” Grey said while forlornly looking out a window to see falling snow.  It was the first snow he had seen in some time, so he went outside to play in it.  When he reached his lawn, he realized it wasn’t snow.  It was floating soot from the BBQ place they opened down the block.  The liquid smoke smell hung in the air.  This was the America he knew.  Grey grabbed some fallen BBQ ash from the lawn, formed a snowball that reeked of ribs and joined in the horseplay with a few of the neighbors’ kids.  “Hey, Eddie, here’s bacon remnants in your eye!” Grey yelled as he threw the BBQ ball at Eddie, but the soot-ash ball disintegrated as soon as it left his hand.   In the pieces of shattered BBQ ash-soot ball, Grey saw all his fantasy baseball rankings that will start Monday– Suddenly, an alarm clock buzzed.  Damn, I fell asleep watching a Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives marathon while John Cougar Mellencamp was playing on the radio, and must’ve wrote the preceding while conked out.   Taking these sleepers too literal.  Anyway, what can we expect from Shane Bieber for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?