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It’s hard to not sound like a prick when discussing starters who I clearly said to avoid who are now injured. I could say something kind like, “Hey, who could’ve seen this coming? Not me, man! Totally out of nowhere! Wow, Shane Bieber needs Tommy John surgery? Crazy! Was he even hurt last year? He was? I had no idea! A 60-day IL stint last year due to his elbow? That is crazy! I am learning that for the first time!” Or I could say, “Yes, I told you to avoid him because he was out last year with an elbow injury. I say repeatedly all preseason that there’s dozens of pitchers to draft and you only need six, why are you even messing with red flags or pitchers who are being drafted way too early like Spencer Strider.” Did I know Strider would be injured too and likely out this year after throwing 9 IP? No, I did not know, but that’s not the point. Pitchers are risky. I know from years of doing this that starters are impossible to predict from year to year so there’s no reason to pay a premium. Did I tell you to avoid Spencer Strider, Gerrit Cole and Shane Bieber? Yes, I did. Can I tell you that without sounding like a prick? Still unclear. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Max Fried – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 18.00. Once again, I’m the prick for pointing out: He was hurt last year. This is not a surprise.

Bryce Elder – Not yet called up by the Braves for Strider’s rotation spot, but I imagine he will soon. For now, they called up Allan Winans, who will write, direct and star in the newest Scary Movie and be a long man out of the pen. Mean’s while, watch Elder become an ace, because every Braves’ 5th starter does, then flame out so hard the following year. It’s written in the sky, it’s the Patterns of Jurrjens.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Also, in this game, Austin Riley (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer, and Michael Harris II (1-for-3) hit his II. So, the Braves’ hitting is fine.

Geraldo Perdomo – Hit the IL with a torn meniscus, and will miss a month. Time for the Diamondsparks as they Blaze Alexander!

Kenta Maeda – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 9.00. When you’re getting roughed up by the A’ss, that’s rough riding.

Riley Greene – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. [google Riley Greene sleeper]

Paul Blackburn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Blackburn chasing Orel Hershiser’s shutout innings record! Any hoo! Streamonator likes his next one, and I’d give him a spin.

Joe Boyle – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 8.22. Hammurabi’s Code of Fantasy Baseball Blogging says you can’t recommend two A’ss players in the same post, but if it wasn’t for that, I might’ve had nice things to say about Boyle.

Zack Gelof – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, and a double short of the cycle. Sorry, see: Hammurabi’s Code of Fantasy Baseball Blogging.

Steven Matz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Matz trying to get in my conversation for when I talk about Wacha, Lugo and other boring, but reliable fantasy starters that you should care about that you absolutely don’t care about.

Nolan Gorman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Hey, pitcher, NoGo there!

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He was priced right in drafts. Could he be great? Of course. Does he have injury risk? Yes, no dur.

Nick Gordon – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. That a 97-pound Nick Gordon has as many homers as Jazz really puts into perspective how few games have been played.

Max Meyer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Impossible to say anything after two games, but his K/9 and BB/9 being 5.7 and 2.5 respectively is, well, disrespectful to pitching.

Tyler Wells – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.76. His BB/9 is 1.6 if that stays elite, I’m still interested.

Dean Kremer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.19. His BB/9 is 0.7.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Thinking about people who pay $1500 to play in the Main Event who were A) Scared by Yamamoto’s random innings in Korea that was essentially extended Spring Trining. B) Scared by Ohtani’s betting scandal thinking MLB would suspend him. C) There’s no C.

Gavin Stone – 3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.50. Well, at least he still stinks.

Shota Imanaga – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00. God hosed us with rain.

Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.63. Weird, maybe you shouldn’t have dropped him after one start.

Willam Contreras – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Double dongs in Milwaukee? This is like when Ralph Malph and Potsie took out the Polaski twins.

Oliver Dunn – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, as he hit leadoff. Dan Pants gave you a Oliver Dunn fantasy on Saturday, and I just wanna reaffirm Pants. Dunn’s Livvy with pleasure.

Colin Rea – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Streamonator loved this start, and I didn’t have the cojones to grab him. Barely one cojone over here.

Dominic Canzone – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. From my cojone to Canzone.

Ranger Suarez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.09. People chasing Ks and not “great command” haven’t been paying attention to the last year plus of MLB.

Trevor Story – Hit the IL with a dislocated shoulder. Again, not to sound like a prick, but Trevor Story’s injured and water is wet and taco diarrhea burns.

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 5th homer. Yes, he can be a top 10 fantasy hitter on the season. Will he? I do not know the future.

David Hamilton – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s the Red Sox replacement (maybe platooning with Pablo Reyes, but you don’t want any of that). Hamilton is not going to waste his shot, and has 70-steal speed.

Reese McGuire – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1). Go off Reese McGuire! I said go off! Go! Not get!

Tanner Houck – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.00. This game was vs. the Angels. Their lineup is like when you were in college and you tried to use your one friend, who was a girl, to get eight of your guy friends into the party.

Mike Trout – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer. Hey, it’s your one friend who’s a girl!

Reid Detmers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Wait, actually his line was 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks–No, that’s not right. Sorry, that was a line from last May vs. the Twins, then he went on to end the year with a 4.48 ERA. Not to be a downer, maybe Detmers is breaking out, but to think two great starts are anything more than two starts is forgetting there’s six months in the season. This start was vs. Garrett Whitlock, who has a 0.96 ERA thru two starts. So, Detmers is breaking out but not Whitlock? Why not both? Maybe, but let’s see another month of starts. You can pick them up to see the breakouts on your teams, of course.

Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.82. [enjoying my Steven Matz, Dean Kremer, Sean Manaea, Seth Lugo, Michael Wacha fantasy staff, clicking open the team in my league who drafted Gerrit Cole and Spencer Strider to revel in the schadenfreude]

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. “Grab his ankles and we’ll toss him over Niagara Falls–Hold up! Lindor moved! He’s alive!”

Matt Waldron – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86. He has as many innings this year as some middle relievers (9 1/3) but it’s hard to make a soft landing in these parachute pants when I see his peripherals are 11.6 K/9 and 1.9 BB/9. His next start is vs. Dodgers, but I will be a cyclops with a monocle.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Wonder if you could buy low. Also wonder if pitchers would be helped if the pitch clock were worn by Flavor Flav.

Ronel Blanco – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.00. [sitting in the front row of the Rangers/Astros game was Johnny Vander Meer’s family, sweating buckets] His grandson John-John Jr. Jr., as he’s known to the family whispers, “Is our pee-paw’s record about to be broken? I can Lee Harvey someone and break up his rhythm.” Yikes, John-John Jr. Jr.! One way to get around all the problems pitchers have been having with maximum velocity throwing? Just throw all changeups! Ronel’s an innovator. I watched him dance between the raindrops for the 2nd game in a row, and I don’t think there’s much here for 12 team mixed leagues and shallower, but hard to argue with the results.

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. 47 more to 50!

Michael King – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Nice bounce back from the awful last start, but Streamonator hates his next, and I wouldn’t go near it.

Luis Robert Jr. – Hit the IL with a hip flexor strain. This is the injury I was expecting from him last year. Oh well, my crystal ball doesn’t have a date; I only know it’s the future. White Sox brought up Lenyn, gotta share the wealth.

James McArthur – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 7.71 and his 2nd save with Will Smith (1 IP, 0 ER, 13.50 ERA) working the 8th. Seems like it’s McArthur’s job to close out Royals games and protect Hirohito. This was vs. the White Sox, a lot easier opponent than the emperor, and McArthur made the White Sux look decent. Guess my point is I wouldn’t count my chickens on McArthur’s saves.

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Or as Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”

MJ Melendez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 3rd homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert!

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.25. But you don’t want him because he’s boring so move along.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .219. It’s so wild how he became a “never healthy Adam Dunn.” Call him Life Alert Donkey.

Luis Gil – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Last game he went 4 2/3 with nice Ks and a lead and a no decision, and yesterday 4 1/3 IP, solid Ks with a big lead. He’s 13 starts away from going 1/3 IP with 10 Ks.

Bowden Francis – 3 IP,, 5 ER, ERA at 12.96. Somehow, he’s still better than Manoah.

Kevin Gausman – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 9.53. Aren’t the Canadians under the same rules of engagement as other United Nations countries? How are they allowed to let Gausman go out to the mound clearly injured and throw not-ideal-at-all velocity? Hey, quick question, what’s Canadian for “Oh no cmon no more pitcher injuries please?” Guys, we can’t have the pitch clock and max velocity. We have to choose one or the other. I’m sorry, don’t shot the messenger, but it’s not natural to throw the ball 101 MPH as a starter. We need to disincentivize velocity. If Kevin Gausman or Spencer Strider needs Tommy John surgery, MLB should immediately institute a rule that if you throw over 95 MPH, it’s an automatic ball. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, except in this case.