If you came here for NFL Draft coverage, you’re in the wrong place. However, I do enjoy the adjectives given to the young “glass eaters” of the gridiron. If your team drafted a guy with “oily hips” or “elite wiggle” you’re winning. If anything can tie into oddly descriptive words for twenty year old men, it’s OPS! Two weeks ago in this space, we recommended adding Christian White Walker, Trey Mancini, and Maikel Franco. The latter has come back down to earth since his hot start, but Walker and Mancini are still raking. Along with most of the top SP getting rocked this year, the 1B position has been chaos as well. Walker, Mancini, Pete Alonso, and Daniel Vogelbach are all in the top 10 at the position. Hunter Dozier is eleventh. If you drafted Edwin Encarnacion, Max Muncy, or Jesus Aguilar hopefully you stashed one of these other “plug and play guys” until they figure things out.

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“After Chris Davis raved about it, I had to check it out.” said James Paxton, as he sipped maple syrup.  He continued, “It was my favorite show since the last time I saw Rush.”  The Canadian then put on moose antlers, an orange vest and grabbed his shotgun.  Before he exited the press conference, he smiled, adding, “Eh.”  So, James Paxton busted that slumped like Chris Davis before him and like every team that faces the Sawx.  Crazy when you have Mookie Betts hitting near-.200 and Benintendi out of the lineup, what a massive hole the Red Sox become, or a Mass-hole for short.  Yesterday, James Paxton went 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.91, putting to doubt some concerns that he would be eaten alive by the New York lights.  Paxton laughed, “It’s just like downtown Saskatchewan.”  All the New Yorkers grinned, Paxton was already growing a tough, sarcastic sense of humor indicative of New York, when Paxton added, “Seriously, eh, there’s nothing finer than Regina.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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As Ice Cube sang on the now-iconic song, It Was An Away Game, “Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God.  Today, German was away, carrying my whole squad.”  Then later on, he sings, “I felt ill after that big fat DeSclafani, pitching like he just pulled out of bed in jammies, but German killed those baserunners like every role by Allison Janney.  And my teams run deep so deep so deep I’d put your ass to sleep talking about how on one team Alex Cobb’s my number one, but I didn’t hesitate to call German Marquez my top gun.”  Imagine you were a Rockies fan who only watched home games, the team’s contract with German Marquez (9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.00) would be tré confusing.  After 100 pitches, he is so low effort throwing 97 MPH in the 9th inning, and occasionally drops in an off-the-table curve that is freaking brothers every way like M.J.  I can’t believe today German’s game was away.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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Welcome to another season of Razz-matazz Fantasy Baseball. For those of you wondering, that actually was Grey’s second choice for naming this site, but as you can see, Razzball won out, much to the chagrin of jazz fingers around the world. And just one ball. No multiple balls I guess. Shame. Shame. Shame. But here we are with another year of staff picks. So what’s the goal with this? Hashtag content, baby. (That’s the technical term.) There’s another goal though, one less self-fulfilling, unlike your mother. Despite the modern advancement of technology and science, we still have no way to have every writer provide their extended (or in Tehol’s case, I always hope abbreviated) take on every single player in the MLB. We try though! And so we have this quick-and-easy (I regret burning my “yo momma” joke now…) presentation that provides you, the Razzmatazzball community a viewer-friendly and succinct breakdown of how we feel about the upcoming season.

So without further ado, here are our Official 2019 Razzball Picks! (Be sure to share yours in the comments section!)

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages…….welcome to Friday.  FanDuel has us set up for a 14 game slate and I’m here to help you through it.  Today’s slate contains some aces; Kershaw, Nola, Snell, Carrasco, Paxton, Corbin, Tanaka, Cole, Price…..so naturally, I’m going to lead with Carlos Rodon ($8,700).  Rodon’s been really good since his return from shoulder surgery this year.  While I will admit, the SIERA points to regression, I’m going to ignore it some and think more about what he’s done for me lately.  Rodon gets a match-up with the Angels, who have struggled vs LHP all year.  In fact, they only field one above average bat vs LHP…..it just so happens that its really really above average in Mike Trout.  Trout was absent from the lineup on Wednesday with calf tightness, so if he’s out on Friday, Rodon goes from a nice GPP play to a potential cash play.

New to FanDuel? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond?  Well, be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.  Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It’s how we know you care!

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Yesterday’s Nationals/Phils game tested my ulcer and said, “Mmm, acidic.” Starting off the calamity, Pat Neshek went 1/3 IP, 2 ER, and the blown save, ERA at 2.08.  Okay, if you’re a closer, you have to get the job done, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — why the eff can’t Kapler let him start an inning in a one-run game?  He let Tommy Hunter walk the lead-off man, then Neshek came in to allow a blast to Anthony Rendon (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer).  Up next in the closerousel is…Hector Neris!  Kapler’s already ruined him once, so that gives you an idea of how long it takes for the Phillies’ closerousel to spin, about four months.  Then, Justin Miller came on to close the game for the Nationals.  But oh no, we will nearly blow!  Miller went 1/3 IP, 1 ER and was promptly pulled for…wait for it…oh, this is good…Greg Holland!  Who entered the game with a 6.09 ERA and has been so bad, he got chased out of St. Louie.  Yo, are Davey Martinez and Gabe Kapler running a lemonade stand?  Because I’m getting a real sour face.  In Washington, it’s likely Koda Glover or Ryan Madson’s turn next, but Holland’s got two lips, so he’s as good as anyone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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…You should occasionally look to the results,” goes the rest of the quote by Winston Churchill, but we’re going to ignore that last bit for now (although it’s generally good advice) and talk strategy for our lineup on Draft.com today. It’s an interesting day, given the pitching. We have a bunch of excellent – Cy Young-level excellent — pitchers who have the misfortune of playing in good hitting parks or facing good hitting teams. And then pitchers who would normally be only mid-tier suddenly get a bump because of the teams they’re facing or the parks they’re pitching in. In short, there’s a lot of pitching and you can probably afford to wait until your second round to grab a pitcher. So I’d aim for a top IF first, then a pitcher, then an OF. Let’s take a look at who’s out there for the grabbin’.

New to Draft? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well, be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!

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Don Mattingly and Ken Griffey Jr. sit in the airport, waiting for their flight out to Toronto, trying to make small talk, “How has post-Hall of Fame life been?”  “Good, good, how has post, uh, mustache life been?”  “Fine, yeah, fine.”  Finally, a Cooperstown employee approaches, “Where do you want Dale Long’s sarcophagus?”  “Are you not staying with it?”  “I was just told to deliver it.  Now, if Kendrys Morales breaks the home run record, you press this button on the side of the sarcophagus.”  Ken and Don look at each other and decide to try the button.  Dale’s sarcophagus opens and what resembles a crypt keeper says, “Wow, I can’t believe he broke our record.  That’s outta sight!”  And Dale’s mummified eyes spin like a slot machine.  This is reenactment of what Mattingly and Griffey are going through as they join Kendrys for the chase of their home runs in eight straight games record.  Yesterday, Morales homered in his 7th straight game, going 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, and that was his 21st homer.  I actually just picked up Kendrys Morales in my RCL league, after I picked up my jaw from surprise that he was still available.  He’s so smooth right now, they call him Kendrys Alba.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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Kendrys hit it? Yes he can. Blue Jays first baseman/DH Kendrys Morales homered in his fifth straight game Friday night and now has a total of six jacks in five nights! KEN-DRYS do it again!? I don’t know! The B-Jays have won four in a row and Morales extended his hitting streak to eight games and is hitting .571 in the past week with five multi hit games, seven runs scored and nine RBI. Kendrys is available in over half of fantasy leagues and he’s hotter than Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson’s sex life. Which I hear is very steamy. That was a fairly on trend reference though, right?  Speaking of trendy, it’s Players Weekend, HE’LL YALL! That means dope cleats, mostly ugly/funny uniforms (I can’t tell if I like the Rays hats or hate them so much), and of course: terrible nicknames. This is a good opportunity to tell if your favorite player has a good personality or not. Some of the nicknames are clever or fun (SABANERO SOY? yes please, and Brad Boxberger gets millennials), but if a guy just adds a -y or an -ie he’s probably a pretty lame dude so I guess it’s a good thing he’s so good at baseball. Kendrys chose to wear “MONINA,” which I tried Googling but couldn’t get a proper translation so I’ll just assume it means “Only Hits In August.” Well, it’s still August for another week and despite how long he chose to wait to get en fuego, Kendrys Morales was a BUY and is one of the hottest hitters in the league right and I’d ride him while he’s hitting all the baseballs.

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night featuring more dumb nicknames than you’ve ever wanted:

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Welcome to another Friday, where FanDuel has us set up with a 14 game slate.  Since all the studs pitched on Thursday (Scherzer, Nola, DeGrom, Bumgarner, ), we have the fun job of picking through the leftovers to find Friday’s stud.  Today I’m taking my talents to South Beach…….to write about the visiting pitcher, Mike Foltynewicz ($). <set up autocorrect to fix every time I eff up the spelling of Folynevix>  Foltyburger’s K-rate has been sick this year, up 7.5% from 20.7% in 2017 to 28.2% this year, and he even gets a small park bump in Miami.  He also gets the pleasure of facing Miami’s lineup which for the season is dead last in ISO and 28th in wOBA vs RHP.  Foltyverter is where I’m starting my lineup on this Friday, so let’s see what we can add to him to make some money.

New to FanDuel? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond?  Well, be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.  Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?