At least one of you is reading this with a bandaged thumb from a fireworks mishap. I had a Cousin Pete (Italian side of the family) who lost the tip of his thumb on the 4th, but rather than stop the festivities, he taped the tip of a hot dog on his thumb to act as a tourniquet for the rest of the 4th, so we could all go about our fun-having business. I suggested my Cugino make a PSA about hot dog tourniquets, but I was turned away by NBC Cares. Let us bow our heads and pray that if anyone loses a finger, may there be a proper-sized hot dog nearby. Okay…*claps hands* Play ball! Yesterday, Matthew Boyd went 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (zero walks), 13 Ks, ERA at 3.87. Flavor Flav secures his giant clock to his chest with one hand and pumps his fist with his other hand, “Yeah Boyd!” Boyd was the 1st pitcher with less than 6 IP, zero walks and 13 or more Ks. You kinda have to get hit around a bit to have that record, but, damn, that’s impressive. Let’s hear it for the Boyd, let’s hear it for the…MATT! See what I did there? No one saw that coming! Not a soul! Boyd is one of the few guys in the entire major leagues who is pitching better than his ERA would indicate. I’m kidding, everyone’s ERA is crap! But Boyd’s been very special — 11.9 K/9, 1.7 BB/9, 3.33 xFIP — and is looking like a solid number two with upside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Michael Wacha to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
The sun rising at dawn as two towheaded surfers paddle out on their longboards. One surfer, Rob, wears a business suit and sunglasses. The other surfer looks like Tony Hawk’s wet brother. Tony Hawk’s wet brother asks, “Why the business threads, my brosef?” “I’m the commissioner of baseball and could be called into action at any time.” “Whoa, right on.” Rob points at the ocean, cascading out in front of them, “You see this Tony Hawk’s Wet Brother? This water as far as the eye can see?” “I do, my brosef.” “This is juice that I will be stuffing into baseballs.” “Whoa, right on.” And that’s Our Commissioner Manfred surfing in the morning sun. Yesterday, was another day for the long ball bizzonkers led by the Diamondbacks. Leading off literally and, well, literally, Jarrod Dyson went 2-for-4 and hit his 4th homer. Inner monologue, “You know you want to compare how many home runs Dyson has to David Dahl. You know you want to do it, so do it. Come on. Compare them.” Dyson’s having a nice year. “A nice year compared to who? Say it!” Hopefully, Dyson keeps it up. “You are the lamest!” Next up literally and literally, Ketel Marte went 3-for-5, 2 runs and hit his 16th homer. “I dare you to compare Marte to David Dahl!” Shut up, Inner Monologue! I hate you! Next up literally and literally, David Peralta went 1-for-4 and hit his 9th homer, as they started the game Dback-to-back-to-back. Four home runs is most home runs ever hit in a row. That record is in jeopardy this year in every inning. Then not literally, Ildemaro Vargas went 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and hit two homers (3, 4). I have a hard time suggesting him because names starting with Il confuse my pea brain. You Il Duce? No? Then goodbye! Finally and literally, Eduardo Escobar went 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and hit his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .299. Gabe Kapler said to the opposing pitcher, Jer-khoff, “Don’t blow this,” and Escobar screamed, “Did someone say blow?!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Orioles are on pace to give up 1,776 home runs, because they’re close to our nation’s capital, and that is a great figure, a historic number. A cannot be imitated — help me out here, Captain Lou Albano — never duplicated number. Scratch that, they’re now on pace to give up 1777 home runs because of the Battle of the Assunpink Creek. That was also the title of the Pink concert when her stretch pants were a little too skimpy in the back. “I see your Assupink Creek 2017.” Great show, the aerobatics alone. So, I try to avoid making every lede about hitters in Coors or facing the Orioles, but here goes, because Gleyber Torres has 14 homers against the O’s in five games and 12 homers on the year. There’s math involved in that number. He went 2-for-5 with his 11th and 12th homers. Next up, literally, Brett Gardner (3-for-4, 1 run) hit more doubles than the sketchy guy at the craps table who kept betting the horn and looking over his shoulder. DJ LeMahieu (2-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR) was on the ones and twos, but mostly on the ones, since he hit leadoff and his 4th homer. Gary Sanchez (2-for-4) hit his 15th long ball and don’t mention hitting balls around Gary, he crosses his legs. Then there’s Thairo (2-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR), who should be on the Iron Throne, but that’s a hot internet take, and I’m here for cold ones, but he even has three homers because Our Commissioner Manfred sticks Capri Sun straws into balls and juices them up. If you learn nothing else from this post, and you might not, stream all hitters vs. the Orioles. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last week’s streamers scared me to death and they actually did alright. This week honestly isn’t much better though and it’s clear that the pitching landscape in baseball is downright ugly right now. The simple fact is, these backend pitchers kinda suck. They’re just not very reliable but that makes proper streaming as important as ever. If you can gain that extra edge through streaming, you’re putting some serious stress on your opponents to do something stupid. While these guys are geared more for head-to-head leagues, some of these streamers can be great assets to improve your ERA and WHIP too.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sorry, but first I must purge myself of all Yu song references. If you don’t like that, Yu Can’t Always Get What Yu Want, but, if Yu try, Yu might get what Yu need, because all Yu Need Is Love, and I Wish Yu Were Here. Yu Give Love A Bad Name, but I’m gonna Run to Yu. Even if Rick rolled, I’m Never Gonna Give Yu Up, and shut don’t go up, but Yu do. Yu Take My Breath Away when Yu pitch well, but Yu Never Give Me Your Money, which makes sense since Yu Don’t Know Me. Without or Without Yu Yu (stutterer!) can put together a solid rotation, but Yu Light Up My Life when it’s the Best of Yu. Have I Told Yu Lately he needed to cut down on his walks? Yesterday, he went 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks (zero walks!), ERA at 5.14, and I Know What Yu Did Last Summer (disambiguation: song), but what about now? Don’t Yu (Forget About Me). Did the Rangers closer, Chris Martin, Fix Yu? Remains doubtful, but no walks is Arthur’s Theme (Best Yu Can Do). Any hoo! Yu Darvish might’ve been dealing with a mechanics issue, and maybe now that’s fixed. He does have a near-12 K/9, the only bugaboo is his 7+ BB/9, but if he can tame that he immediately shoots to at least a number two, and stops plopping out number twos. Do Yu Understand (ft Tory Lanez & Gunna). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
First off, big congrats to Albert Pujols (1-for-4 and his 6th homer), as he passed 2,000 RBIs. That is amazing. Now would some archaeologist find old man Pujols’s Holy Grail Goblet Room and let him retire in peace? Second off, David Fletcher went 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .310, as he finally seems to be settling in at leadoff. Can we just pause for one second and try to comprehend how stupid I am? Okay, you don’t have to rundown all my countless idiotic calls. I get it. Okay, with my stupidity in mind, it took a major league manager — Bad Assdunce, in this case — almost six weeks to realize Fletcher is the best guy to hit leadoff on the Angels. Assdunce hit Kole Calhoun (2-for-4, 3 runs, and his 9th homer, hitting .223) for 78 ABs at leadoff — a .240 hitter on a good day! Ya know, when they hire MLB managers, they’re not hiring their best and brightest. Oh, and I have it at 50/50 odds Fletcher doesn’t stay at leadoff, just so ya know. By the by, Fletcher is not in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if he’s available add him for average and hopefully counting stats. Finally, Tommy La Stella. What in the holy fudge? Only, I didn’t say fudge. I said the mother of all curse words. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Did he even have nine homers in 1,000 at-bats prior to this in his career? Not to answer, because I don’t care, but WUT. At this point, Travis Shaw would need to have the best month of his career to even tie La Stella in fantasy value. I am laughing through tears. Sad clown tears! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
On April 7th, Derek Dietrich admired his 3rd home run of the season for an ungodly amount of time. The last straw for the opposing team was when he paused before running to first, placed a Craigslist ad, waited five days for a sketch artist to respond, then had the sketch artist draw him rounding the bases. Then when he got to third and saw the first draft of the drawing, yelled, “No freakin’ charcoal,” and paused for another few days to find someone who worked in pen. After that display, everyone was calling Dereck Dietrich a hot dog, even the world’s leading critic of hot dogs, the guy driving the Weinermobile. Of course, none of this was blown out of proportion like Tim Anderson. Cut to weeks later and we’ve realized why Dietrich wanted to study his home run trot. He was perfecting it. On Friday, he hit his 6th and 7th homers, then his 8th homer on Saturday and his 9th homer on Sunday (1-for-3, hitting .257). I doubt it continues, but I also can’t imagine a reason to not ride the hot schmotato while it’s going on. As 50 Cent’s fantasy baseball team is named: Get Dietrich or Dietrich Tryin’. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Rays called up their 1st base prospect, Nate Lowe, to go with Ji-Man Choi, Yandy Diaz and Daniel Robertson, which brings me to the real question of the day: How can Tampa have so many corners on their roster and no bodegas? The Rays have more cornermen than Avon Barksdale. My 9th grade geometry teacher, Mr. Corbello, would tell you, if you have two sides of a diamond and four corners, then you’re looking at a clusterfudgeogram. The clusterfudgeogram generates little playing time and lots of headaches for those making heads or tails of it. The real question might be: Would the Rays be as daft to call up one of their top prospects to ride the bench? That seems unlikely, but since he’s a lefty and this is Kevin Cash, and Cash Ruins Everything Around Me, C.R.E.A.M. get the funny way to set your lineup, ya big dummy. We care because Lowe’s got some lumber. His projections are at the Prospectonator, and they’re not too shabby, like the quarter piece of Harrison Ford’s Jewishness. Prospect Mike ranked Nathaniel Lowe (Why so serious, Nate?) in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospects and said this elsewhere, “Lowe is a big left-handed bat who can hit for both average and power. In 2018, he popped 27 homers and hit .330/.416/.568 across three levels. He’ll be ready when the Rays need him, unlike how no one needs Grey.” Okay, not cool! I tried to add Nathaniel Lowe and Nate Lowe everywhere; I believe they’re the same person and they were both gone. However, I didn’t contract any FOMO. Finding a bat corner bat with some pop is as easy as going down to the corner store, grabbing a burner Moreland-type and avoiding the clusterfudgeogram. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Good lord — Curt Schilling and his bloody sock are looking up from hell at the starting pitching landscape and just cackling. There are so many injured SPs this week that I’m going to just give you three solid recommended adds at the bottom of this article. Otherwise, I’d end up recommending Jordan Zimmermann and Homer Bailey. Who would ever add them to their team in a two week period? Me. I did that.
Wait — is Curt Schilling dead?
*wavy lines indicating a dream sequence* It’s the winter of 2019. And I’m wearing pants. Okay, that’s not realistic, but it’s a dream sequence, so I’m going to go with it! Crap, I have to do my rankings. Quick, rank Gregory Polanco in the top 40 outfielders overall, because you like how he hit more fly balls last year than previous years and think 23 homers is repeatable with maybe more. Also, he’s got some 10-15 steal-speed! But, since this is a very realistic dream other than the whole pants thing, someone, who you can’t remember now, told you Polanco won’t be back until June. Better check the news reports, even though that’s rather boring for a dream sequence. Yup, Polanco’s not due back until June. Frantically, by any man’s measure but calmly by yours, move Polanco all the way down so you’ll never draft him. Now fall into a kiddie pool so you wake to think you had a wet dream. *wavy lines* Whoa, that dream was crazy in its mundaneness! So, here we are on April 23rd and Grey doesn’t freakin’ own Polanco because reports in March were saying he wouldn’t be back until a much later date. *bites stress doll’s head off* I’m good. Thanks. Yes, I would own Polanco in every league; he can be a top 40 outfielder. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 2 runs, which was better than Jesus Aguilar’s entire season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?