The Dodgers have spent more than $1.1 billion this winter with the signings of Yoshinobu Yamamoto, Shohei Ohtani and Tyler Glasnow. Eight teams haven’t spent a million. Is this [watches a butterfly flap out of one’s hand] competitive balance? So, the Mets’ owner Steve Cohen flew to Japan, took him out to dinner and Yamamoto went home with the Dodgers. [searching PornHub for cuckold, seeing a video of Steve Cohen paying the check for Yamamoto’s dinner] Damn, that’s brutal. Yamamoto was also rumored to possibly be on the Giants’ radar, but Yoshinobu saw a news report of a smash and grab at a vape shop in The Castro, and decided against San Francisco. Ouch. As I believe I said before, how about rather than the Dodgers buying free agents, they just get all the free agents and tell us which ones they don’t want. Might be easier that way.

As I said a lot of times last year when I was begging people to draft Kodai Senga, Japan has professional baseball leagues. Is it exactly the same talent as MLB? No, but it’s not some iffy league played with a beach ball and underhand pitching. Look at what Ohtani is doing in the majors, look at what Senga just did, look back at Ichiro, look back at Darvish; the guys who are superstars there, will be superstars here. Yamamoto is a superstar. Last year he won the pitching Triple Crown in Japan. That was his third year in a row doing that. No one else had accomplished that before in Japan, and he won his in three years consecutively. Excuse me, [places handkerchief to forehead] I’m about to faint. Last year, after winning the World Baseball Classic with his countrymen, in a tourney where he dominated, he went out and threw 171 IP with a 1.21 ERA and 0.88 WHIP. He only had a 9.3 K/9, and they’re not analogous at all, but to do a super sloppy comparison, Ohtani had better Ks in Japan, and Yamamoto has had better command and stamina (likely because he’s not also hitting). Another sloppy comparison is he could be George Kirby with more strikeouts. Yamamoto is likely the best Japanese pitcher we’ve ever seen. He’s an ace. With his projections, I’m being incredibly conservative. Upside is here in droves. 2024 Projections: 13-5/3.21/1.04/149 in 156 IP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! I began to roll out my 2024 fantasy baseball rankings on the Patreon. Don’t wait for the rankings to come out next month. Anyway II, the roundup:

Edward Olivares – Traded to the Pirates. He’s free! [sees Pirates’ depth chart has Olivares behind Palacios] No, no, no, no! I want Olivares! You pay dirt-cheap price and you hit pay dirt! That sounds like a commercial for a combo shovel and treasure map deal, and that’s what I want! Pirates use treasure maps, don’t they? Someone read my Edward Olivares sleeper from last year, right? Or they did, then they witnessed what Olivares did after I wrote it. Olivares is like Jose Siri but with better contact and zero return on investment for the past four years. Olivares’s peripherals look so good and his actual stats look so bad. Hopefully, this frees him for good. 2024 Projections: 43/15/47/.271/10 in 364 ABs

Max Scherzer – Had back surgery and is out until June or July. Ever since Clemens’s final season when he returned in June for a few months, I think older players remember that and teams see some value in it. If they can get 100 IP from an older pitcher who is great for stretches, but no longer stretches great, they’ll take it. For fantasy? Meh, it’s not great.

Adrian Houser – Traded to the Mets. What are the Mets doing by getting one of the worst starters based on peripherals? They’re doing Mets things, bruh! You wouldn’t understand! You need to get in the Mets’ mindset. Watch your female mascot get cuckolded by other mascots and you might begin to understand.

Tyrone Taylor – Traded to the Mets. This move I can understand by the Mets. They just read an article about how promising Tyrone Taylor is. No one tell them the post’s date was 2021.

Yuki Matsui – Signed with the Padres. He’s been one of the best closers in Japan in the last ten years. Last year, 71:13 K:BB in 56 1/3 IP and 236 saves in his career. If that’s not enough to like, he’s only 5’8″. Short Kings unite! He’s also left-handed, so you know he gets weird. “Did someone say party?” That’s him walking into church in his underwear. Lefty stuff! With Hader gone, I’d guess Matsui is their closer. 2024 Projections: 2-4/4.06/1.16/64, 20 saves in 61 IP.

Tom Murphy – Signed with the Giants. They now have Murphy/Hoo Lee, which sounds like the Asian-Irish bar that sells potato dumplings. Murphy is the type to be interesting for, like, ten days a season, and when that happens, you’ll know from my roundups.

Hunter Renfroe – Signed by the Royals, which is pretty hideous signing. Some of these teams are just better off not signing guys if they’re going to sign 4th outfielders on better teams, and simple prospblocks. Renfroe isn’t going to fix anything on the Royals, instead he prospblocks. Who? I don’t even know, Waters? Blanco? Pratto? It doesn’t matter, play your prospects! 2024 Projections: 51/20/62/.228 in 481 ABs

Michael Wacha – Signed by the Royals. Okay, that deal I like by the Royals. Prolly could’ve wrote a sleeper post for Michael Wacha, but talk about a boring post. “He was good for the last two years and is being drafted 100 spots after where he should be. So, um, how’s everyone doing? Anyone do anything for the holidays? Ran over your grandmother with a reindeer? Cool. Had some figgy pudding myself and got gas.” Kauffman Stadium is about as good as it gets, and Wacha’s wildly underrated. Sticking with the Royals’ theme, people will be clamoring for Cole Ragans, but Wacha will end up more valuable. 2024 Projections: 8-10/3.46/1.14/143 in 156 IP

Jeter Downs – Claimed by the Yankees. Finally, the Yanks have a Jeter who can field.