Burger With Two Taters And A Jake

It’s Double Dong Day at Jake Burger’s! “Burger dongs,” he said thoughtfully, “That was what Dan Schneider made me say on the set of Good Burger while I massaged his shoulders.” Former host of Double Dare, Marc Summers shuddered, continuing, “I never want to hear that or ‘I don’t know’ again.” He looked up at the ceiling waiting to be slimed, but thankfully no green goo fell. By the way, I met with Dan Schneider once, true story, about writing jokes for one of his garbage TV shows, and I passed. Yeah, screw that dude. Now I’m writing about fantasy baseball! Any hoo! Jake Burger (2-for-2 and his 1st and 2nd homer) went ding-dong-dong sounding like a doorbell. Did I say doorbell? Josh Bell (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) homered too. Burger/Bell sounds like what Dan Schneider kept on his desk for lunchtime. (This is all so inside baseball not about baseball. Watch Quiet on the Set if you have no idea what I’m talking about.) So, Jake Burger is likely what you want from Christian Walker, who could give you what you want from Walker. This is no knock on walker. They both can knock. Not Bell though. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Eury Perez – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. He was my first Sell of the season last week, but, in fairness to common sense, it might’ve been too late to sell him in a trade. Though, I did tell Patreons about ten days prior to that. Though, Part II: They Keep Making Thoughs, it was likely too late at that point too. I heard to avoid Eury and tried to relay it to you, hopefully you heeded it when there was still time to heed. Until there’s a concerted effort to curb starters throwing their max velocity or an advancement in UCLs where they realize they could use gummy worms in elbows for flexibility (I’m a scientist), we’re left with young starters getting hurt.

Ryan Weathers – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.00. If the Streamonator suggested I’d pick up Weathers, well, first, I’d give it a breathalyzer, then I’d ignore it.

Lance Lynn – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.15. If you bought into the Lance Lynn bounce back, at least you still have the crotch grabs.

Victor Scott II – 0-for-5, 1 run, hitting .100, and moved to the leadoff spot. Willie Mays Hayes made better contact. VS2 will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. Hopefully he learns how to steal first base.

Ivan Herrera – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Ivan is Herrara but iVan is a fully-loaded Apple van. Herrera won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s behind Willson Contreras, but if Contreras is out for a few days (took a pitch off his hand two days ago), Herrera’s value will go up.

Matt Carpenter – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. I thought he was signing a one-day contract to retire as a Cardinal. Appizzarently, I was wrong.

Ryan Noda – This news is not related to him, but the A’s will play at least three years in a minor league park in Sacramento starting in 2025. Well, it is kinda related to him — Ryan Noda, your 2025 Home Run Champ.

Jeimer Candelario – Hurt himself on a swing on Wednesday, and I heard he hyperextended his elbow, but the Reds say he might not need an IL stint. I think they’re lying, but we’ll see.

Royce Lewis – Shut down for at least a month. Damn, very hard to predict. No one could’ve seen this coming.

Edouard Julien – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. Joke’s on you jack! I dropped Julien after his first five games! So what there’s 96% of the season left! I can’t wait for that crap! I have guys to pick up off waivers who I will turn around and drop in three days!

Pablo Lopez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.84. He’s not a cold-weather pitcher, so his current 2.84 ERA is gonna go down to a 1.50 ERA in the summer. Mommy!

Tanner Bibee – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Ugh, and I dropped him after his first start! Okay, enough nonsense. I don’t think I mentioned this, but I bet Bibee to win the AL Cy Young. By the way, when I say I bet so-and-so to win some far-off award, I don’t think they’re the favorite. That’s not how these stupid bets work. The odds were good and long. Do I really think Bibee will win the Cy? Meh, not really. But you give me 50 to 1, and it suddenly doesn’t seem awful.

Casey Mize – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.23. I am still very much dreaming of the Spring Training narrative of Mize breaking out, so please don’t wake me.

Matt Manning – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 4 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.00. He looked worse than Mize, if you can believe it, but the Mets looked worse than both vs. Manning.

Riley Greene – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Riley Greene homered off Ottavino, therefore Riley Greene is better than Babe Ruth.

Adrian Houser – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Sorry, still dreaming about the Mize breakout that was promised to us in Spring Training…Sigh. At the end of the day in most shallower mixed leagues, you’re better off just using the Streamonator than your 5th or 6th starter.

Jose Butto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Thinking about the guy who drafted Butto ‘n Crochet just to spin a yarn.

Brett Baty – 1-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI. Short schedule yesterday, so let me just say Baty looks so much better this year. Brett Bettery? Yes. Better Baty? Sure! Better Bettery? No, too much. Overdid it. Back that up, flip it around, oohhh…she wants to do me. Move…to the jacuzzi. Smack it up–Sorry, I was just engulfed in the spirit of Bell Biv Devoe. Yo, slick, blow!

Pete Alonso – 3-for-9, 3 runs and his 2nd homer. Albombso!

Nelson Velazquez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Google [Nelson Velazquez sleeper] and you’re gonna be gobsmacked. Smacked in the gob!

MJ Melendez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Michael Jordan Melendez going against the White Sox like they’re run by Jerry–Oh, wait, they are.

Seth Lugo – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.71. Should’ve wrote a Seth Lugo sleeper post, alas no dice. Only told you to target him repeatedly. But he’s boring, I get it. Boring wins leagues!

Martin Perez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Sorry, I’m listening to Christopher Cross—I GOT SUCH A LONG WAY TO GO– as I write this, so it’s hard to focus—TO MAKE IT TO MEXICO–Martin Perez is fine for a Streamonator–SO I RIDE LIKE THE WIND!

Connor Joe – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Where’d he come from? (His mother’s womb.) Where’d he go?! (Did he go somewhere?) Connor-eyed Joe!

C.J. Abrams – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Corange Juice squeezing out some power!

Josiah Gray – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 14.04. I made a snide comment about how everyone the Dodgers trade away sucks, and was roundly corrected that Yordan turned out okay. Right, right, true, true. One guy in 20 years.

Victor Robles – Hit the IL with a hammy injury. Same shizz happened to Kermit the Frog.