Roto-Wan’s wild summer continued last week when his appendix decides to swell and cause the weirdest pain I’ve ever felt. It only took until 5AM to get a cat scan and determine an appendectomy was necessary. The American medical system is a well-oiled machine! More of a Pat Burrell machine, but potato/patato. In honor of my impromptu vacation tier’s are summer vacay ranks.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Seth Lugo to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
With Javier Baez lost for the year — *pours out a bottle of Johnson & Johnson baby oil for the sexy one we lost* — the Cubs called up shortstop, Nico Hoerner (3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs). And the internet exploded. Everywhere I looked for a good 45 minutes (long in internet minutes), I saw things about Nico Hoerner. “Reinforcements on the way!” one Chicago sportswriter announced exuberantly. Another exclaimed, “Hoerner is here to save the season!” A third declared they were, “Hoernier than ever,” though they might’ve just typed a search term into their tweet. Then I looked at Hoerner’s Double-A numbers — 3 HRs, 8 SBs, .284 in 70 games — and I giggled a little. Hoerner is the Cubs’ top prospect, which is more of an indictment about the Cubs’ farm system. He doesn’t strike out, and possesses decent on-base skills, so maybe some short-term value. He should play short since karma knocked Addison Russell in the head and Baez is out, even if Ben Zobrist is playing after just recovering from a five-month divorce, which was initiated because his wife was jealous of how much Maddon loves him. You can cyclops Hoerner or try him, but him or, say, Starlin Castro? Semper Fidelis Castro. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The days of the calendar for centuries in the Western world have been measured by one event. The birth of the messiah Jesus Christ. However, following this weekend’s happenings we as a people have decided to change it. All history prior to August 1st will be known as B.A., short for “Before Aquino.” While all days after that date will be known as A.A., for “After Aquino”. It is the Reds’ slugger’s world and we’re all just living in it. So, of course your boys Ralph and Grey had to talk a little Aquino, before hitting on all the other less important happenings in fantasy baseball the last week. Punisher, punish me, so bad, so bad! It’s the All-Aquino episode of the Razzball Podcast!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did you ever think that sometimes your haters offer relevant critiques that you should maybe take into consideration? Me neither, just wondering if that’s a thing. Don’t think about it too long if it doesn’t apply. It’ll make you cuckoo like Cocoa Puffs’ Sonny, the Cuckoo Bird. Speaking of which, Sonny, the Cuckoo Bird went to a rally recently with a sign that read, “You can’t be cuckoo without cuck.” I can’t tell if Sonny is woke, shook or just cuckoo. Either way, or eye-thurr if Chingy is reading, for a few weeks now people have been asking me about J.D. Davis, and I’ve mostly ignored them. You, “Yo, Grey, you hard of hearing?” Me, “WHAT?!” J.D. is having himself a bit of a star mitzvah, but is it completely out of nowhere? Nope and nuh-uh. He had 17 HRs in only 85 Triple-A game last year and 30 HRs the year before across three levels. It’s easy to write him off, because what business do the Mets have pulling a fast one on the Astros? Yet, here we are and they pulled it. Davis has been getting regular playing time and with improved plate discipline (25.7% K% vs. 20% this year). I’m going cuckoo for Mets’ stuff, and I’d grab Davis for power and average. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
A bunch of bullpens have undergone reseeding after a flurry of deadline moves. It’s not a bad time to grab a speculative arm in an uncertain situation. As the ultimate standing climber, Petr Baelish, once said, “Chaos is a ladder.” Just be careful who you trust your ratio’s with…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Snap, snap, claw, claw, save. That’s The Save Vulture Dance. Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide. The save vulture is a scavenger bird. They see weakness in others’ misfortune. A closer goes down or struggles or gets traded and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff. Snap, snap, Reyes Moronta, Mark Melancon, Sam Dyson, Tony Watson, claw, claw, save. Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about. Snap, snap, Freddy Peralta, claw, claw, save. The save vulture’s claws are orange from Cheetos dust. Snap, snap, Joe Jimenez, claw, claw, save. Teams are trying to flip their closers for prospects at the trading deadline. Snap, snap, Yoan Lopez, Yoshihisa Hirano, Archie Bradley, claw, claw, save. If you can stash setup men right now, it’s advisable because over the next week closers are going to change rapidly. Snap, snap, Daniel Hudson, claw, claw, save. You may not be able to get to waivers to grab the closer replacement, so I’d forget bench bats until the trading deadline and hold some setup men in case your closers are traded. Snap, snap, Aaron Bummer, claw, claw, save. It’s especially important to make sure you have new closers coming in if you’re about to lose closers who will become setup men on contenders. Snap, snap, Seth Lugo, Robert Gsellman, Kyle Crick, Nick Anderson, Nick Wittgren, Craig Stammen, Chris Martin, Jose Leclerc, claw, claw, save. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Is your pitching staff a disaster? Don’t worry, they all are. If you need a fill-in while transitioning a role consider some of these folks. Each tier is ranked, roughly speaking. The amount of variance in middle relief is greater than with closers so you can follow these less rigidly. I’ve pulled the names that are getting serious saves consideration, as they’re likely claimed.Please, blog, may I have some more?
NL West | NL Central | NL East || AL West | AL Central | AL East
As the resident save chaser, I feel it’s my duty to give you some names that you maybe don’t expect to get shots at saves this year. Bullpen’s are more volatile than the fake friendships on the Real Housewives programs my wife watches to get back at me for monopolizing the TV during the NFL season. I did this exercise last spring and Wily Peralta was in there. I almost didn’t publish it after including him, if that gives you an idea of what we’re dealing with here. I’m not talking the closer in waiting or guy that got 30 saves two seasons ago. I’m going to do my best to write a name so repulsive you consider never reading my column again. We’ll go division by division, starting with the NL East.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, the Jays’ catcher prospect Danny Jansen was called up. Finally, the Jays are ready to move on with their prospects. *Vlad Jr. waves his hand, trying to get their attention* It took long enough, but finally the time is here. *Vlad Jr. takes out a bullhorn and blows it* Did you hear something? The Jays did…Danny Jansen’s bat! Jansen looks like an offensive-minded catcher in the mold of Jerry Tomato Realmuto (think 15/7/.280). I grabbed Jansen in one league, because, I had Cervelli, who has a magnet for foul balls on his face like Stormy Daniels, and Russell Martin is going to play third while Yangervis deals with an oblique strain and, shucks, if only the Jays had someone else to play third. *Vlad Jr. marches with color guards’ flags, waving them. Finally, Vlad Jr. sighs.* Damn, too bad. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here’s what I’ve said previously about Aaron Hicks, “Open Up and Buy AH, because owning Aaron Hicks is Nothin’ But A Good Time! Also, a good time is searching any girl’s name from Rock of Love with your parental controls turned off. Okay, I have a few Bee Tee Dubs here. Unless you have a child, you don’t set parental controls on your TV. You can filter what you see without magically stumbling on porn. The internet though? You need parental controls on it, no matter if you’re home, at work, 12 years old, 64 years old, at school or on the john. You can Google something as innocuous as “Persian cucumber” with no parental controls and all hell breaks loose in your search results. “Oh em gee, I just wanted a recipe for a cucumber salad! And, wow, I didn’t know Omar Sharif had so many nude scenes.” Bee tee dubya II, we’re due for a terrible 80’s hair band renaissance. Someone needs to do a cover of a Poison song. Bee tee dubya III, there is no bee tee dubya III. Bee tee dubya IV, I have this nugget in my brain that says, even though I was only 14 years old, I knew how awful Poison was at the time. Like, when they did Your Mama Don’t Dance, a big part of me knew they were absolutely terrible, even then. Any hoo! Hey, any hoo’s initials are Aaron Hicks. Coinkydink? Thinks not. He’s on a 162-game pace of 25 HRs, 15 SBs and a .260 average. Of course, that doesn’t matter. We just want a hot player at this point, and, on our 7-day Player Rater, he’s near top 25, and should be owned everywhere.” And that’s me quoting me! Yes, the royal we (which is me wearing a Burger King crown) have been here before, but every year it’s the same story with Hicks, until he gets hurt. Hey, he’s more predictable than that hair band renaissance apparently! For now, Hicks is healthy, and should be owned. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?