He’s Mr. Ja Misior, Whatever He Touches Melts In His Clutch He’s Too Much

Jacob Misiorowski (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks 10 Ks, ERA at 2.12) needs to get through a whole season without losing his command like he did in the 2nd half of last year. Still a lot of time for that to happen. Remember, we all thought he might be the best rookie ever when he first came up last year, then, poof, like Keyzer Sozë it went bye-bye. But, if he does hold his command all year, he’s a top three starter. Basically, Skenes, Sanchez, Mis. Maybe not that order. Ooh, he floats a possibility! Skenes for sure first, but Sanchez or Mis? What about Sanchmiz and we don’t decide because it’s only mid-May. Sancho Miz likes that idea, that’s the masked luchador who is standing on your roof waiting to pounce on top of your head as soon as you walk outside. Don’t take my word for it, climb onto your roof to see. Right now, The IO Update’s perfs are 14.1 K/9, 3 BB/9, and I am hooting that’s so gorge. Wait there’s more! Literally! He’s thrown more 102 and 103 MPH pitches than all other MLB starter in the Statcast era combined (2008-2026). He’s prime deGrom. He’s prime Sale. He’s prime rib, baby, I’m salivating! Though, now that I think about The IO Update’s fantasy value might take a hit because Aaron Ashby is behind him trying to take away all his wins. Does Ashby take the mound dressed as a vulture for the wins he steals? I find answers compelling, so tell me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Michael King – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Now, he is not close to this good. King’s looking pauper-y.

Gavin Sheets – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Appropriately enough, SHEETS! was what people who roster Misiorowski were screaming when he lost the win. “Hey, man, you have to give up the lead to teams who don’t have Mason Miller.” That’s Aaron Ashby taking Abner Uribe (1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.96) under his wing.

Robby Snelling – Hit the IL with a UCL sprain. Glengarry Glen Ross’s Shelley crosses “Snelling” off his list of potential things he can “Always Be” doing. The Rock whispers, “I don’t know what the Snelling be cooking.” A 3rd grader sobs, “If you Snelt it, you dealt with an elbow injury!” The bright, shining star of positive news comes from the Marlins bringing up Braxton Garrett to replace Snelling. My most Braxton thought is why was he in the minors? I’m seriously not sure. On January 8th, 2025, he had UCL surgery. He was ready since Spring Training, and had a 3.66 ERA in 159 2/3 IP in his last full season with the Marlins (2023). He’s been ready to join the Marlins for months. Actually, thought he’d be up before Snelling. Braxton’s been a number three starter in the majors already. He’s struggled a bit with command during his rehab, but that’s always the last thing to return after surgery. He’s rosterable everywhere, assuming his command is back. I’m not making that assumption, I’m just saying where he’ll be if he shows it. Now, to return to mourning Snelling. I didn’t even get to use the pun, that’s just Robby Whiffing hitters! Damn it!

Pete Fairbanks – Activated from the IL. Oh, thank God, I can stop speculating on stupid Marlins saves. Goodbye, Faucher, don’t let the door hit ya, where the good Lord split ya. Listen, Phillips, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Sorry, Nardi, pardi’s over–Actually, no, I never rostered him.

Owen Caissie – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .202. I’d say the Cubs won the Caissie/EdCab trade, but I don’t think the Marlins were trying to win it, which is kind of a problem in MLB.

Max Meyer – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.21. His underlying numbers are great. Better than I remembered. He looks like a solid number two to three with potential.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4 and his 14th and 15th homer. So, how does this work now? Does he not hit a home run in his next game because he hit two or does he now hit two more in his next game? Kalshi needs to know!

Bryce Miller – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. Was only supposed to throw a few innings and piggyback with Luis Castillo, but Miller’s way too good for that. Getting the sense Miller’s available in some leagues, and he shouldn’t be.

J.P. Crawford – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer, and that’s four homers in his last 12 games, and has appeared in the last two Buy columns, because he’s been hot for about that long.

Luke Raley – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. He’s been towards the top of the 7-day Player Rater for the last, well, seven days.

Christian Walker – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer. Onward Christian Walker!

Lance McCullers Jr. – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.86. Some would say the best thing you can do is leave your fantasy team alone in April, and the people who picked up McCullers that first week might attest.

Kumar Rocker – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.34. No idea where Harold is but Kumar got something from White Castle called a Jake Burger.

Jake Burger – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and now batting in the 8-hole. White Castle is actually good. I’m sorry, Jake’s a sad burger: wet lettuce, homemade ketchup that’s varieties-less, stale bread, pickles that were just cucumbers in someone’s butt.

Jacob Latz – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.08 vs. Paul Sewald – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.70. Well, not really “vs.” but combined Paul Sewald and Latz were a Pautz.

Ryne Nelson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Ryne is a career 4.30 ERA pitcher. He’s doing himself proud this year by staying true to his roots. Streamonator is vaguely meh on his next start, and same.

Nick Kurtz – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Ya know what I want? A four-homer game. Give me that, Kurtz.

Zack Gelof – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .257. This is not your slightly older brother’s Gelof who couldn’t hit for average. This is your slightly older older brother’s Gelof who could hit .260.

J.T. Ginn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.12. His initials stand for Jsorta Tusable. The J.T. are silent, oddly enough.

Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.82. Can’t believe he’s taking days off from hitting now. Being a top five starter is not enough, okay?

Mookie Betts – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Mookie Best!

Robbie Ray – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.04. He got into a few jams and he couldn’t wriggle out, kinda like his pants.

Anthony Volpe – 0-for-3 as he hit 8th. I gave you my longwinded thoughts on Volpe yesterday. Scroll on, scroller.

Max Fried – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.21, and left with elbow soreness. Oh no, not my favorite pitcher. I’m gonna have to find a way to replace him on all zero of my teams. How will I ever do it?

Dylan Beavers – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. That means my IL slot is now stuffed with regret.

Kyle Bradish – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.21. As I kept saying in April about Bradish and what I keep saying about Eury, you never know when these guys are going to figure it out. It appears that Bradish has figured it out. It just took a tweak to “you rostering him in your fantasy league.” Bradish can be an ace, and you absolutely should get back in if you can.

Adley Rutschman – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .291. Every time I see anything from Basallo or Adley, all I can think is how the O’s have one half-decent starter and a catcher they could easily trade for an arm.

Angel Martinez – 1-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (7) and double legs (7, 8), 2nd homer in two games, three steals in two games, and now hitting leadoff. I’d say hot schmotato, but usually reserve that for guys under 50% rostered, and not sure Angel is, but if he’s out there, he’s clearly hot.

Parker Messick – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.35. Underlying stats are still pretty. We will continue to Parker like we’re on Blueberry Hill.

Zach Neto – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Don’t have Neto in any league so I didn’t realize how poorly he was doing. He’s been around the 7th best shortstop and are you kidding complaining about that? I’m over here with Lindor who’s done diddly squat! That’s different than Reese McGuire. That’s a diddle squat.

Reid Detmers – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Someone by the username of Reddit Meers said Reid Detmers was an ace–Hey, wait a minute! Detmers always underperforms his underlying stats, but he is pitching better this year. Previously, he was a 4.00 ERA guy, and now he’s around a 3.75 one. Baby steps, Bob.

Drake Baldwin – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. It feels like he has twice as many homers I’ve mentioned him so much, right? Drake must just have a Hotline Bling to his name. Boo! Boo me!

Mauricio Dubon – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting leadoff, and .263. Braves won’t give Harris II the leadoff spot, but Dubon, they’re like,”Go ahead, champ.”

JR Ritchie – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.32. His peripherals are atrociously awful, and he’s got a rock solid ERA because the Shroud of Touki. Don’t believe me, I don’t care.

Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.32. This year he’s not gonna waste his Shota.

Framber Valdez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Look at that, a solid start and he didn’t randomly bean anyone. A win-win, or rather, a win-win-no decision.

Christian Scott – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.45. Regarding the winless Scott, Ron Darling was talking about how it took a while for him to get his first win, eventually he did, throwing a complete game on his final start of the season, and that led into a convo about how no rookie would ever throw a complete game now, and that had me thinking about dinner, because I was eating at the time. Fin, story complete.

Mitch Keller – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.59. Why can’t regression come when he’s, like, on the road in Yankee Stadium or somewhere where I’d bench him? Why at home vs. the pitiful road Suckies? Why, why, why, to quote Nancy Kerrigan.

Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .287. O’Hearn’s putting up one of those seasons where it might feel like watching paint dry, but it’s surprisingly valuable. Call it a Dutch Boy.

Mickey Moniak – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .315. He was basically free in drafts or off waivers, but the thing is: He shouldn’t have been. He was good last year.

TJ Rumfield – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Hot schmotato alert (mostly because the Suckies are going home)!

Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.76. Think he’s back to a Streamonator.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd in two games, third in four games, and fourth in a week. Tatis, hello, pay attention to the Joys de Witt bounce back like a bra-less Chrissy Snow.

Colson Montgomery – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .230. I could be missing it, but I think he’s seldom spoken of in glowing terms and woefully under-appreciated. Glow! Appreciate!

Noah Schultz – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.91. Little peek behind the curtain. I write these all sorts of out of order. I held back on Noah, because I saw he had a no-hitter through three and I was thinking he might be the lede if he kept it going, and ha! Almost!

Griffin Jax – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.91, as he finally seems stretched out as a starter. Or as a Rays’ starter. He’s as stretched as Rasmussen or McClanahananananan. For the Rays’ next trick, they will turn Cedric Mullins into a lights-out reliever.

Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.41. His numbers say he’s a top seven starter. At the very least.

Daulton Varsho – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. I’d love to see him get hot. Please, grant me a wish, and stop smiting me with “having to start Jake Irvin.”

Roman Anthony – Making incremental progress. Red Sox manager Chad Tracy said, “Eventually, we’ll get to strong gripping. That’s the biggest thing for him: when do we get to feel like the grip strength is there? When we’re in there, we’re in a better spot.” Right now, he’s at the grip strength where they drop a went salmon between his hands and he has to try to grab it.

Trevor Story – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. “We could use his body as sandbags in case of heavy downpour-Hold on! Story moved! He’s alive!”

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Gray, him, just needed Grey, me, to not be interested this year.

Andrew Painter – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at…Guess. Go ahead! What could it be? Guess within .50 on his ERA. How hard could it be–Bzzt! Wrongo! It’s 6.21.

Justin Crawford – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. He returned to Fenway, where his dad once played, and homered. That’s gotta be cool. Next, he can rip off Megan Thee Stallion of her recording contract money like his dad. (You think I’m kidding.)

Daylen Lile – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (3), hitting .269, and third homer in two games. Is that 2026 preseason sleeper Daylen Lile? Hot damn, it is!

Keibert Ruiz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in four games. My promise to you is if you ask me Keibert vs. any other starting catcher, I will just pick the other guy. Except maybe Patrick Bailey.

Nick Lodolo – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.68. Commercial offers for Blistex aren’t about to roll in.

Chris Paddack – Signed with the Reds. Ya know, I was thinking where could a guy with a 1.8 HR/9 go after Miami to become valuable? I came up with the idea of him pitching in Jupiter. Not Jupiter, Florida, but Jupiter the planet, because its gravity is 2.5 times stronger than Earth. I never considered Cincy.