Please see our player page for Paul Sewald to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

Me and seven guys who I picked up in a Home Depot parking lot are bringing home a life-sized cutout of Grayson Rodriguez in a wheelbarrow. “Cory, please help me get my make-believe son, Gray, uh, son, onto my couch.” Cory and my new Home Depot friends, who I paid with Venmo, manage to lean the 6’5″, 220-pound cutout onto the couch.

Later, me and Cougs are watching The Staircase and between us is my make-believe son, Grayson. “Say hello, Grayson,” I say. I nudge the Grayson cutout with my arm, and it falls over crushing my wife’s foot. At the Urgent Care, I explain to Cougs that Grayson Rodriguez is the best pitcher the Orioles have right now. As a horsey might say, nay, he’s a top five arm in the AL East right now. If he’s healthy, it’s stuff you’re not seeing from many pitchers in the major leagues. Five above-average to plus-plus pitches with control. Through nine starts in Triple-A as the 9th youngest pitcher at the level: His K/9 is 13.7; his BB/9 is 2.9; his FIP is 1.77.

I shush Cougs’s sobs. I ask, “Are you sobbing from your broken foot from my make-believe son cutout falling on you or are you worried about his slider?” Before she can answer, I anticipate and tell her his fastball sits 95 MPH with a plus whiff rate, and his two plus secondaries are his curveball and changeup with whiff rates above 50%. Oh, and by the by, he has a slider and cutter that grade as average or better too. Is this man a hydra? What kind of water do they have in the Rio Grande that they’re giving this Texan? He’s unreal, like an alien. He just needs a nickname to play off Grayson, and being an alien. Oh, I know! Call him Spawn. Grayson’s going to be the best thing you’ve seen since the last future Hall of Famer was promoted. A chip right off the old block that fell on Cougs, that’s my Spawn!

Also, here’s me talking about Grayson Rodriguez (please subscribe to this friggin Youtube channel — click that and click subscribe):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Pirates’ front office looking at the clock labeled, “Service Manipulation.” The big hand clicks towards “Extra year of service time,” and the little hand creeps towards, “Being cheap AF.” Just as Being Cheap AF and Extra Year of Service Time meet at 12 o’clock, a little birdie flies out in a Pirates’ jersey with the uniform number for Tyler Glasnow and starts cuckooing. With that, Roansy Contreras was called up by the Pirates, and will start today. In Triple-A, he had 2.66 ERA, 1.18 WHIP, 10.6 K/9, 4.9 BB/9, and a 1.33 HR/9. He can be electric, but those walks scare me. Yo, I don’t trust the Pirates at all. Not with pitchers, not with hitters, not for nothing but not with nothing. No trust. Anyone rostering Ke’Bryan and Bryan Reynolds liking it? Has Mitch Keller clicked yet? Will he ever? How’s Oneil Cruz doing you? Sucks to put that all at Roansy’s feet, but there ya go. That’s my feelings on him. For those that found us by googling “sucks” + “feet,” you a freak! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

Who knew the most emblematic song about MJ would’ve been Smooth Criminal? Or going from Pretty Young Thing to Beat It. Or Bad. Jeez, now that I think about it, a lot of Michael Jackson songs become Creep City. Would’ve been hilarious if he named Neverland, “Creep City.” Not haha funny, but more like, “Hey, lots of red flags here, guys, maybe we should investigate?” Speaking of investigating, MJ Melendez (how about that segue?) sounds like a 90s tabloid reporter who would’ve been invited to Neverland to “take a look around” while the help hide children in closets, waiting for Michael. Speaking of segues, I took a Segway tour through Beverly Hills and we stopped at the former Menendez Brothers’ house and the people who now live there just looked at us with disgust. Was pretty cool. Any hoo! Sal Perez is the type to play through all kinds of shizz, so that he was IL’d means he must’ve truly been hurt. MJ Melendez was also up with the club even before the Sal P. IL stint, so the Royals seem committed to him. We don’t care about catchers usually, but Melendez could be a 17-homer, .250 catcher this year with even some steals thrown in. Him or Adley? If both were up, I don’t think Adley’s necessarily the better choice for this year. The guy who is up right now is the easy call. A-B-C, as easy as 1-2-3, for the King of Pop Times. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

No hitters are funny, aren’t they? They’re baseball at its finest. Baseball thrives off of statistical anomalies. It’s why there’s so many Jayson Stark-types that spit at ya stuff like, “This is the first time a player has hit into a double play while his 1st base coach was in the 1st base coach’s box talking on a bluetooth to his mistress,” and other oddities. The no-hitter highlights the oddity. It takes great pitching to no-hit a team, but varying amounts of luck. Reid Detmers was on the leaning side of the scale for an extreme amount of luck. Well-struck balls right at fielders. Hit ’em where they ain’t the Rays ain’t did. It’s also incredibly funny that Detmers’s peripherals got worse from a no hitter, but you throw 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 walk and only two strikeouts, and that will happen. His ERA is now down to 3.77. A solid, unremarkable unhittable performance. One of baseball’s oddities. It’s another oddity that the highlight of a no-hitter was a home run by Anthony Rendon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?