Twins, Your Uber Ride Is Here

The title of this post is basically snapping the Twins in half. They are like, “Please, can I hide my face, I’ve been snapped in half.” Which face though, because if you get snapped in half you automatically get two faces. One top face, we’ll call it Face A. Then your 2nd half face, which is the top half of the bottom half where you were snapped. That’s Face B. There’s no Face C. Randy Dobnak went 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.04, and has now unlocked things previously unimagined, like being good? No, man! Dobnak is terrible! He’s actively bad. He’s so hilariously bad under the hood, well, he’s the Uber driver, so we’ll leave under the hood to him, but it’s not good. But who cares? Let’s just bask in one day Randy “The Uber Driver” Dobnak having a 1.04 ERA and seemingly being good (while not being good literally at all). That’s cool, man. That’s feel good. That’s a 5-star rating on your Uber app. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tyler Tolbert – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (13). Actually, I love it for the Royals they’re winning with terrible players. They’ve become the Savannah Bananas if the Bananas were not so goddamn cringe. They’re non-cringe Bananas. That’s cool too, man! (I sound like The Big Lebowski in my head.)

Byron Buxton – Hit the IL with hip soreness. Sigh. I’d guess September, because why rush him? But I’m guessing, I don’t know.

Joe Ryan – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Not trying to be harsh on Ryan here, but this performance ain’t cutting it. Against the absolute useless Royals at home should be 7 IP, 0 ER, at worst! I wonder if he’s healthy.

Jhostynxon Garcia – 0-for-3 as Jhostynxon was recalled. Thank you, 1Password.

Jared Jones – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.81. In the first three innings, he had a perfect game, and I was watching thinking, “This might be it. He might actually be finally the ace we were all promised.” Alas, not yet, but it’s coming. Might be the number one 2027 sleeper. We’ll see how the final two months go.

Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Yo Gabby Gabby!

Eduardo Rodriguez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.48. A lesson I never learn because it’s very hard to learn is dropping a starter early on who has in him a great three months. I had EdRod after his first or 2nd start, but dropped him. I shouldn’t have done that. Obviously. But how do you learn that lesson? I’m being serious. What do you do? Hold everyone who is good in April? MacKenzie Gore was good early; Jack Leiter was great; Freddy Peralta hadn’t gone full Mets yet. It’s so hard to know great in the early going will mean long-term success vs. Ildemaro Vargas.

Paul Sewald – Real World/Road Rules Challenge’s Torey Lovullo announced that Sewald was out as a closer. We’ve had so few of these this year. Oh, sure, we’ve had the A’s or Rockies having a different closer every week, but an actual closer who was replaced? What, twice all year? I can only think of the Jays and the Pirates, and Pirates was very tentative for Dennis Santana. Maybe I’m forgetting someone (Angels, Twins, etc. don’t count. I’m talking actual closer who was removed from the role). Any hoo! Brandyn Garcia (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.17) got the save, his 2nd. I roster him in one league where I need saves, and I hope it’s just him, but he is a lefty, so it might be Juan Morillo, Kevin Ginkel or Jonathan Loaisiga (the hardest name to spell in baseball). That order.

Matt Olson – 2-for-8, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .264. Seven more to go!

Chris Sale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Watched the majority of this game and the Mets are embarrassing. Sure, Sale’s great, but you’ve never seen a team do less while not having a perfect game thrown against them. I watch a lot of Mets games because I love their announcers, but, man, it’s a struggle.

Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.42. Actually used to like Manaea, but he’s come down this year and seems to be fading to barely a Streamonator call. Age, as they say, came for him. I don’t know who “they” are. Bunch of ageists!

Christian Scott – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.99. As I said in the Sale blurb, I watched, and Scott looked awesome. Not overpowering awesome, and he really nearly lost his entire self in the 5th inning, but he hunkered and made it work.

Hayden Wesneski – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (2 BBs), 4 Ks, as he was activated from the 60-day IL. My biggest problem with Wesneski is he is just returning from Tommy John, and TJ, besides hosting donkey shows, hurts a pitcher’s command and Wesneski relies on his command, so bingo-bango, bad recipe. How’sever, Wesneski could be a solid addition in all leagues if he returns with his stuff. Or when his stuff returns. It’s hard to say when that will happen, and one start vs. the Angels doesn’t tell us much, but he was good in the minors. Though, he wasn’t great yesterday. Meh, you can monocle.

Yainer Diaz – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .247. He’s been so awful this year. Awful, awful, awful. Yet, has more homers than Vlad Jr.

Jeremy Pena – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, 3rd homer in four games, hitting .311. He actually might have a “decent for him” season, if he keeps this up. He only needs around 20 homers.

Logan Webb – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Webb gem-adjacent! Gem-ish!

Daniel Susac – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Show him what he’s won…[intern whispers] Apparently, he wins nothing. His 2nd homer was off a position player, which bring me to my lamest opinion ever (maybe, or maybe I have the voice of the people), but a MLB team can let a position player pitch. However, if they allow one run, they forfeit the game and it ends. I do not want to watch position players pitching. No one is trying anymore; it’s dumb.

Luis Arraez – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th steal, hitting .331. He’s gonna win his 4th straight batting title and people gonna yawn.

Yandy Diaz – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer. Going from one Yawn (Arraez) to one guy people think is a yawn, but actually is valuable. Yandy is top 40 overall on the Player Rater; I can assure you; Arraez is not.

Ian Seymour – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.37. I asked a few people in the baseball world yesterday if there’s been any conclusive evidence in the almost ten years of the Opener that it’s successful and everyone, alas, shrugged, Ayn Rand.

MacKenzie Gore – 7 IP, 3 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.77. Actually a solid start that would normally have me monocle, at worse, but am I interested in being Gore’d? No.

Logan O’Hoppe – Traded to the Rangers and sent to the minors. That’s perfect. The Rangers were like, “Here, baby bro, we’ll show you how you should manage your players. Trade him to us and we’ll send him down.” Rangers also got Chase Silseth, to the consternation of lispers in Texath.

Kyle Manzardo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and, as I said after his last homer, he’s the type to go from zero to schmotato overnight.

Dustin May – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Think some people get hung up when I say I’d start a guy like May in certain matchups (like yesterday) and I don’t trust them. I don’t. Not every matchup is Chris Sale vs. the Mets. If you start all your starters roughly 180 times a year, do you trust them all? No, I don’t, at least. You gotta hope some of the 30% of the meh starts come through.

Matthew Boyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.41. I told people to buy him when his ERA was at 6.00. Maybe 7.00. “So, go ahead and roast me about saying to sell Albies, then he hits three homers. I will accept your ridicule, and know you’re purposely ignoring the good calls to lambast the bad ones. Lambast away! I can take it! Or my other favorites are, ‘Well, yeah, it was obvious to buy Boyd.’ Okay, great, everything I say that’s right was obvious and everything I say wrong is dumb. I can’t please you!” That’s me reading to myself as I get into character for this staged adaptation of The Last Temptation of Christ. Thinking I should’ve worn underwear.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, and 3rd homer since the break. I’m just looking for strong indications here that him, and James Wood are not 1st half-only guys.

Davis Martin – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.62. I said the, “Do I trust everyone I start rant in the Dustin May blurb,” but I think it was actually Davis Martin who I said start and I didn’t trust. This is about what I expected. A sorta Quality Start. Yankees’ lineup is bad, and Martin is decent, so I could’ve seen better, but also you could’ve seen worse, so shrug. Sometimes you gotta start shrugs.

Sam Antonacci – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. I don’t fully love The Fibonacci, but I can get there, I know I can. It feels a bit early. For love! For like? Sure, he’s in the top 100 for the last 30 days.

Munetaka Murakami – 1-for-4, 3 runs and his 23rd homer. I’m envisioning myself having Murakami, Ohtani, Ohtani (hitter and pitcher), Okamoto and Seiya on a fantasy team next year, and buying the Duolingo to help me talk to my guys.

Spencer Jones – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (2). Didn’t see him hit this homer or steal this bag because he was standing in front of the camera. Ha, got his ass! Ya know, because he’s huge. No? Okay. He has a near-40 K%, that’s unusable outside of AL-Only, or schmotato runs.

Cam Schlittler – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.04. Briefly had his ERA under 2, and I thought he was Misiorowskimogging, but he gave up a run and it’s all good. Don’t Misiorowskimog, man.

Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 1 ER, and his 2nd save, ERA at 10.29, as he was activated from the IL. [trumpets play]

Andy Pages – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18h homer. Pages got the book on Hancock! Hey, put your hands where we can see ’em!

Blake Snell – Threw 45 of 60 pitches for strikes in what could be his last rehab start. This is all such a joke. Dodgers clearly said to him, “Listen we all know you can only stay healthy for three months and we want that three months to be one month of the playoffs, so we will pay you your entire salary to only pitch August, September and October.” It’s ridiculous. Glasnow is basically that, but only September and October. It’s so clearly manipulating IL stints. Oh, and Will Smith? C’mon, man! Dodgers are manipulating the whole league!

Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Gonna be hilarious when it’s October and Joe Davis is like, “Here comes Eric Lauer. He’s being used as a 6th inning guy in the playoffs, even though he had a 2.30 ERA for the Dodgers in three months.”

Eric Lauer for the Jays: 15.88 ERA and can only throw meatballs
Eric Lauer for Dodgers: prime-Koufax
Nothing *winkwink* dodgy here! Nothing to see!

Emerson Hancock – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Aw, he wants to stay in Seattle! How cute.

Nick Kurtz – Left after taking a pitch off his forearm. They’re saying contusion, but still we need a prayer hexagon.

Jonah Heim – 3-for-5 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hit ’em with the Heim!

Patrick Sandoval – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.32. I’m monocle’ing hard for next year. Think he could be a very sneaky backend starter. For this year? Well, if you really need it.

Trey Yesavage – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.73. He was vs. the Nats, who have lost Mead, and are trying Brady House, as the 3-hole hitter, which is goofy. Wood and Corange are still good, but Nats might be becoming a good team to stream against. Instagram pop-up store voice, “Keep an eye on this space!”

Tarik Skubal – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Recorded his 1,000th strikeout. In what was a bit of an emotional moment, they stopped the game for a moment to acknowledge him and take calls from other teams to see who wants him.

Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .210. Worst perennial 30-home run hitter or nah?

Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.27. Streamonator hated this start and likes his next one, but to say I’m trusting him would be a lie. Don’t make me lie to you.

Heriberto Hernandez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. We have a 30-day Player Rater. Heriberto did very well in July. You’ll never guess which team had three hitters in the top 10 for the last month. It’s almost two teams, actually.

Griffin Conine – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in three games. On phone with his dad, “How’s mom? She still baking cookies for Mike Lowell? Cool, cool. Oh, by the way, I’m Mr. Marlin now. Yeah, sorry, you lost the title. Say hello to mom for me. Bye! Oh, and mom is sleeping with Mike Lowell. K, bye.”

Kyle Schwarber – Missed the last few days with the “Taco Bell.” Doctors are suggesting he chimichanga next time and not taco.

Trea Turner – 2-for-5 and his 15th homer. Treat Urner with that dog in him!

Jesus Luzardo – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.57. Luzardo has been sneaky awesome at times and sneaky awful at times. Sneaky awesome and sneaky awful like putting the shipping address as the return address with no postage. Save yourself 82 cents, then getting arrested for mail fraud.