Hope everyone had a nice Mother’s Day!  Or, as it’s known in my house, Bill Hall Day.  *it’s 2074, Grey Albright’s frozen head is on a shelf next to Ted Williams’ frozen head*  “Hey, Ted Williams, Happy Bill Hall Day.”  “You’ve been calling it that for 65 years.”  “It’ll catch on by next year.  By the way, you have a booger-icicle hanging from your nose.”  For Mother’s Day for Cougs, I took a picture of our dog Ted’s penis, then Photoshopped it into Bill Hall’s hands, so it looked like a pink bat.  Of course, I inscribed it, “You’re always a home run to me.”  I’m so romantic!  Any hoo!  Sean Newcomb silenced the Marlins pink bats and pink jerseys and pink hats — were they also advertising Anna Faris’ new movie, because they went Overboard! — 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.51.  Of course, this matchup wasn’t the hardest, but his peripherals (10.4 K/9, 4.2 BB/9, 3.65 xFIP) look close to that of a number two to three fantasy starter.  Not bad since he was drafted as number five.  He’s one bad mother!  Or May the Bill Hall Be With You.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We all know what to hoist by one’s own petard means, right?  It’s like when Wile E. Coyote tries to drop a cannonball on the Road Runner, but the cannonball’s heft breaks off the cliff and plunges Wile E. to his untimely demise.  (Clearly, the best Shakespearean example.)  That’s how I feel about rookie pitchers.  You grab them because of the upside, then hoist them up and they roofie you and, next thing you know, your kidney is replacing El Chapo’s.  On the Prospect-o-Nator, Alex Reyes is the 2nd best rookie pitcher this year, behind Walker Buehler.  Clearly, Alex Reyes needs to be owned, but he’s A) Rookie.  B)  Returning from Tommy John surgery.  C) There’s no C.  If things break right, he could be an ace for the last four months of the season.  If things break wrong, your fantasy team could plunge to its untimely demise.  Remember, never go full petard.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Vince Velasquez went 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 5.05.  Ironic his initials are VV, because owning him is anything but peaceful.  Maybe Richard Nixon was prophetic when he threw up the V’s.  Did Nixon say, “I am not a…conservative streamer?”  VV is so volatile, he’s like Nixon in a Pepsi full of Mentos!  “Vince, why are you taping us?”  Velasquez shakes his jowls.  “Why are you always hating Ian Kennedy?”  Velasquez diverts his eyes.  “Vince, why do you keep asking for advice from that WAR monger, Henry Kissingfangrapher?”  Velasquez’s peripherals are much prettier than his ERA — 11 K/9, 3.1 BB/9, 3.83 xFIP — but there is no way to recommend him without saying you know he can screw you at any moment.  So be careful listening to Henry Kissingfangrapher.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Trevor Cahill hit the DL.  Fun Fact!  If you have Hill in your last name, there’s a 100% chance you’re injury prone and will be on the DL for the majority of the season.  It’s a curse that began when Curt Schilling put ketchup on his ankle. With Cahill being DL’d, the A’s brought up Dustin Fowler to, uh, hit.  Yo, A’s, you lose a pitcher and bring up a hitter?  Michael Lewis is right, you do do things differently!  Speaking of do-do, how about those A’s?!  I’m being unnecessarily harsh.  A thousand apologies to the 1,200 A’s fans that are three-quarters of a mile away from the field, just past foul territory.  Any hoo!  Here’s what Prospect Ralph said about Fowler, “Fowler hints at an enticing set of fantasy tools. His combination of power, steals, and the ability to hit for contact make him a potential five category contributor in 5×5 roto formats. Could return a .270/20/20 season if his surgically-repaired knee holds up.  If only we could surgically repair Grey’s brain.”  What the hell, my dude!  Fowler should start at center over Canha, who should now platoon with Joyce, who should be out of the league.  I didn’t grab Fowler anywhere, but I could see it for a power/speed combo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

James Paxton went from a 16-K game last week to a no hitter.  *genuflects*  We’re not James Worthy.  We’re not James Worthy.  That’s how one genuflects in Los Angeles, by the way.  You seeing someone doing it any other way, report them immediately to the nearest out-of-work actor.  You can find one of those anywhere.  *checks kitchen cupboard*  “Hey, weren’t you a guest star on Boy Meets World?”  So, Canadian boy does good in Canada, with James Paxton throwing the no-no.  Unlike a Canadian pitcher earlier in the day who did a “No! No!” and did bad.  Paxton’s line — 9 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.40.  It was almost like something clicked with him and he realized if he strikes out less guys, he can pitch deeper into the game, as he also secured his first complete game.  The no hitter was prolly the highlight though.  Paxton can easily be a top ten starter this year with the asterisk that is always on him, *assuming healthy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Zach Eflin has to be one of the Phils fans favorite pitchers.  His last name just rolls off their tongue.  “You kiss your mother with that mouth?”  “You’re Eflin right!  And I’m kissing her right now.  On Facetime.  She’s a Merchant Marine, and stationed overseas.  It’s actually very sweet how we kiss.  With SnapChat filters.  That dresses me in a baby bonnet.  TMI?”  Sure, it was a short schedule day, so this might have something to do with my joy at Zach Eflin.  Yesterday, he went 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.71.  It’s only through 12 2/3 IP so o?ekávání.  I know.  That’s what I thought too, but then I started looking at his numbers, and, ugh, it’s 12 2/3 IP, but you gotta be Eflin kidding me?  He has a 9.2 K/9, 2.1 BB/9 and a 94 MPH fastball, that is up two miles from last year.  Maybe this is a blip, but maybe this is encouragement you receive to burp from your Facetime’ing mom.  Also, in this game, Odubel Herrera hit some ding dongs — 2-for-3, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer — because ODB waited until everyone was out on him after last year.  Damn, ODB, why you gotta ad-lib some fire after I’m no longer invested in you?  ODB with more ad-libs than Quavo after a fifth of Cuervo, and Columbus, Ohio seeing the Cleveland Indians and being like, “Yo, I descubierto’d.”  (I really had to fight for that third rhyme.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Keeping the weekend theme of rookie pitchers not giving up hits, yesterday Domingo German went 6 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 2 BBs, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.66.  Since I wasn’t very familiar with German — “Guten tag, give your bratwurst my best kraut.” — I decided to watch this game.  German’s curve was made to look very impressive by an Indians team that still does not look right.  It also didn’t hurt that the home plate umpire gave him a very favorable strike zone — “You wear the lederhosen in the Deutschland, Lance Barrett?”  Kept feeling like a more patient team or just a few calls go a different way, and German has loaded the bases on walks with no outs, and, suddenly, he’s in a five run hole in two innings.  Bundesländer?  V to the ielleicht.  Maybe Sonntag had his Sunday best on, but I don’t trust him outside of deep leagues.  Of course, with that said (Grey’s turning the u-boat!), a flyer doesn’t hurt until the German roofie comes and you wake up in Frankfurt with a burly woman named Gertrude.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Hello, I’m here to visit The Sciosciapath.”  “We need to see your ID, and, if you’re carrying any sharp items, you have to leave them here.”  I empty my pockets and show the guard my ID.  The Mental Institution of Major League Managers is a relic from the 50’s, a product of discarded patients suffering moral treatment.  There’s Ron Washington chewing on a piece of chalk.  At least, I think it’s chalk.  Over there, Terry Collins is pretending a yo-yo is his arm.  Finally, I see The Sciosciapath, bifocals low on the bridge of his nose, carrying a clipboard.  He is a patient, but thinks he’s the megalomaniacal head physician.  He muahaha’s as he sees me, and screams at a discarded piece of meatloaf, “I told you to run, Darin Erstad!”  Any hoo!  C.J. Cron has finally emerged from the shadow of failed psychiatry in Anaheim and is putting up a season we thought always possible.  This is so unsurprising.  He was obviously a 27-homer hitter for the last few years as The Sciosciapath played everyone else.  If Cron is available in your league, grab him and stop screaming at your meatloaf.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Carlos Carrasco went 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.95.  Whew.  Luckily, Carrasco was in that tier of preseason pitchers I said not to draft.  You still drafted him?  But I said he was like a skunked can of La Croix bacon-avocado cheeseburger flavor.  *scrunches nose*  You didn’t pay attention?  Aw geez.  Why?  Not to answer but to lower your head in shame.  Since you didn’t pay attention the first time, let me say it once more so you can again ignore it, “For the first time in his career, Carrasco (Careerasco?) threw 200 IP last year.  Not bad for a 25-year-old.  Less so for Carrasco who is 31 years old.  I know, I was surprised he was that old too.  Not as surprised, as say, a cat jumping out of a closet.  They should do a Cats revival on Broadway where the whole thing is cats jumping out of closets.”  And that’s me quoting me!  K/9 and velocity stabilizes fairly quickly and, well, his rates are kinda the dog’s breakfast.  His velocity is down over a mile, and his Ks are down from 10.2 to a 8.1 K/9, and he has the highest xFIP in six years.  If this doesn’t worry you, you might be slow on the uptake.  You repeat 3rd grade?  Do you think your password on all logins is *************?  Do you eat Thai and say, ‘Now my stomach is in knots?’  We might have to get you a tutor.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“I want to recreate the Pequot War of 1636, but I don’t want to use ordinary weapons, instead I want to use diarrhea.”  “How would that work, Matt Moore?”  “I’m thinking whenever I see an Indian, I throw crap.  Then instead of Pocahontas, I can scream, ‘Poke-a-hot-ass,’ but rather than it be traditionally offensive, it can mean the stream of hot ass I’m throwing.”  “Feels a little performance arty.”  Instead of listening to his agent, Matt Moore (4 IP, 10 ER), went ahead with his revolutionary war.  Finally, Edwin Encarnacion (3-for-5, 6 RBIs, and his 7th, 8th and 9th homers) showed up.  “I told you not to put my name on a tag on my foot.”  That’s Edwin showing signs of life.  Might still be able to buy him low due to his sub-Mendoza batting average (.191), but I’d buy fast, because he could go on a 17+ homers in a month power spree.  Also, in this game, Jason Kipnis (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer) said, “JK still playing baseball, not JK as in just kidding, but my initials.  In case, ya know, you thought otherwise.”  I have little to no love for Kipnis, this was against one of the worst pitchers in baseball, and means little.  “I’m not a bad pitcher, I’m a terrible historical recreator!”  That’s Matt Moore.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?