If a tree falls in a forest, but no one drafts the tree does it make a sound? That’s what it felt like this weekend at Razzball. I’m sure a ton of people were angry that Daniel Murphy fractured his finger, but I heard nary a peep from the Razzball faithful. I’m guessing because of where I ranked him. According to FantasyPros, the top person ranked him 26th overall. The worst ranking of him, and, oh, it’s just silly. Some total numbskull ranked him 150th overall. Wait a second, I’m that numbskull, and the awful ranking was actually him 26th overall. I should’ve wrote an overrated schmohawk post for him, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to write this in February, “He’s old, and will get hurt. End of post. So, did everyone already take down their Groundhog’s Day decorations?” I honestly couldn’t figure out why people were drafting him. His projections were 22 HRs, .310. I mean, okay, but kinda big whoop, no? Meh, I guess it’s irrelevant now since I know none of you drafted him. Right? Riiiiiiight? The good news is Garrett Hampson and Ryan McMahon should see more at-bats, and, just as I say that, the Rockies played Mark Reynolds at 1st base on Sunday. Oh, Rockies, you dumb, dumb team, which is different than the creative team behind Dum-Dum lollipops. They’re terrific. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I remember distinctly the day Will Clark retired. I just got home from a Winter Solstice Pageant. I was only 12 years old at the time, but my mustache was already coming in. Earlier that night, when I was singing in the pageant, a mother yelled out from the audience, “Who’s the midget with the mustache?” Then another parent yelled out, “Or is it a dwarf? I always get confused.” Another yelled, “Is that kid 40 years old? I don’t know if I want my kid around that adult.” I didn’t think my day could get worse, then, back at home, I heard that Clark retired. I was still in my autumn leaf costume, sobbing into my Pop Rocks, essentially ruining them. A devastating day all around, but things got better eventually. Soon my friends’ parents wouldn’t call the cops when I was hanging out with their kid, thinking I was a 40-something pervert. One mother even complimented me on my mustache. Maybe this was where my love of Cougars first started. What does this have to do with Pete Alonso? Nothing at all. Just like his Spring Training means nothing. Yes, he mollywhopped the ball to parts of the field this spring with a bat that can only be discussed in terms from British literature that no one has ever read. “Pete Alonso’s bat is so fast I will call him Mr. Dashwood.” *blank stares* “Um, yeah.” He has 80 grade power — Mr. Darcy, you aloof bedswerver! I’m buying all them shares of Alonso and I talk about him in today’s first Buy video at that top of the post. Can Colin Firth play him in the movie? Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hello, Genie, I have three wishes for this baseball season? My first wish is “No one I own get hurt.” I didn’t buy Kevin Kiermaier, Steven Souza or Troy Tulowitzki, so I made your job easy for you, great, powerful Genie. My 2nd wish is “Everyone I own do well.” I drafted Trea Turner, Luke Voit, Enrique Hernandez, so, really, I’m doing much of the heavy lifting for this wish too. My 3rd and final wish is “All 3rd base coaches send runners home by doing The OA interpretative dance.” Thanking you in advance, Genie. Wait a second, you’re not a genie, you’re Bartolo Colon in Blue Man Group paint. Damn you! So, we’re off and running for another great season, just like the Dodgers’ offense. Enrique Hernandez (2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit two home runs. Ya know what, maybe Kiké does love me. Next up, Joc Pederson (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) hit two homers, as he hit leadoff. A double dong day from Wong and Joc? Baseball, do you stuff your pants? Also, Max Muncy (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his first homer, saying, “Hey, don’t forget Grey wrote a sleeper post about me?” Then Cody Bellinger (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 1st homer; he’s not Cody Malinger! Actually, I’m convinced Dave Roberts could field any lineup and they would score more runs than their opponent for at least 90+ games, especially when they’re going up against some of these teams. Wilmer Flores (1-for-4, 1 run) was the three hole hitter on the Diamondbacks. I love Wilmer and his ubiquitous tears like he’s reading The Notebook, but there’s a bunch of MLB lineups out there that just are not good. Also, in this game, Corey Seager (1-for-3) hit his 1st homer and Austin Barnes (3-for-4, 2 runs) hit his first homer, because BASEBALL’S BACK! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
This draft is a crock pot vs. a microwave. A love sesh vs. a ‘hold the moan.’ A nature hike vs. “I’m gonna sit in the car as we drive past some mountains.” Guys and five girl readers, it’s a slow draft. This slow draft took about eighteen days, 3 hours, four minutes and–okay, only a lunatic counts seconds. Not almost 18 days of straight drafting, mind you. I don’t need to ice my clicky finger. It’s five minutes of drafting, twelve hours of waiting. It does allow you to second-guess your picks. Actually, more like triple-guess. (Who are we kidding, you quadruple-guess, fiveruple-guess, sextruple-guess, ochocinco-guess your picks.) For those not in the know, it’s a weekly, 15-team, two-catcher league that lasts for 50 rounds and there’s no waivers. Anyway, here’s my NFBC draft recap:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Fernando Tatis Jr. made the team. Did not see that one coming. Don’t own him anywhere. To which you now say, “Tough Tatis.” Wow. I’m stunned. Good for the Padres! This is not good for the Luis Urias, who I’ve lowered in my top 20 2nd basemen. Possibly bad news for Ian Kinsler too, but owning Ian Kinsler in fantasy was bad news for you anyway. Here’s what I said earlier in the preseason on Tatis, “Fernando Tatis Jr. was born in 1999. Recently, it was announced Acuña was so young he didn’t know who Mickey Mantle was, well, Tatis Jr. is so young he doesn’t know who Mike Trout is. Dude was born like a minute ago, and not a minute as it’s defined in Urban Dictionary, which is a long time, but an actual minute. Fernando Tatis Jr.’s dad is so young he didn’t even use charcoal as his medium; he used MS Paint. Tatis Jr. looks like an All Star ready to happen, until the 75th round draft pick, Albert Pujols Jr., comes along and replaces him. Jokes aside, Tatis looks damn near perfect. A lanky Machado maybe, a young Hanley possibly. Like something Ryan Brasier would cover, Tatis looks real and spectacular. I’d say the difference him and his pops is the difference between Ken Griffey Jr. and Sr., but Ken Sr. wasn’t that bad. How about this, the difference between Tatises (Tatii?) is the difference between J.D. Martinez and J.D. Martinez Sr. Was there a J.D. Martinez Sr.? No idea, but that’s the point. FTJ is going to be special. Now Fun the Jewels fast! Now Fun the Jewels fast! Now Fun the Jewels fast!” And that’s me quoting me! I love him, guys and five girl readers, and you need to own him in all leagues. Immediately. He has some swing-and-miss tendencies, due to his age, so I conservatively projected him up to around 18/18/.250, but, honestly, he could be so much more. He was also moved up my top 20 shortstops, if you’re into that sorta thing. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So, Rudy says to me, “You should get into a Best-Ball league?” And I replied, “Is that a fantasy league where everyone drafts in blue Polos like you work at Best Buy?” Then I saw those three little dots like he was typing something, then they disappeared. Then I saw the three dots again, and, alas, they disappeared again. Finally, he responded, “You don’t think that do you?” After googling what Best-Ball was, I replied, “No, jokes, man, jokes!” So, I got myself in my first Best-Ball league. Everyone likely knows what it is, but, if you don’t, it’s when you draft a team and the computer manages it for you by choosing who are the best players, and you get those stats. It’s basically one fantasy league removed from the robots taking over and killing us all. Drafting with me in my league was Elon Musk, Issac Asimov–Okay, I keed. Anyway, here’s my NFBC Best-Ball, Points League, 10 team draft recap:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jose Ramirez fouled a ball off his knee and was carted off the field. *long, painful swallow* Say what now? Thankfully, it turned out Jose Ramirez simply has a knee contusion and was carted off the field because he had reached his steps for the day. *claps hands* “Okay, guys, call me a cab, my FitBit says I’m done-zo.” That’s Jose Ramirez once he reaches 10,000 steps. I hear ya, Jo-Ram! I once sat down on an escalator because I had reached my “floors” for the day. I’m not over-exercising and dying young. Nuh-uh! You don’t mess with age expectancy. I’m already down on Ramirez in a non-sexual way, so this doesn’t change my stance on him, and, if you like him, it doesn’t sound like it should change your feelings either, since he appears healthy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Today concludes the fantasy baseball sleepers‘ portion of our program. *nudges homeless woman sleeping on my couch that I tried to get Cougs to agree to a threesome with* No more sleepers, Francine. Meh, I’ll let her rest. Like the outfielders to target, this post is necessary. You need to target the right names at the end of the draft for starters. Last year’s starters to target post included Jameson Taillon, Blake Snell, Charlie Morton, Miles Mikolas, Trevor Williams and Patrick Corbin. All guys who this year are in the top 40 for starters, with two making the jump to my top 20 starters., and, one, well, can you believe ESPN ranked Snell 242nd overall last year? Also, on a side note, Fantasy Pros recently talked about ‘perts who had foresaw breakouts last year, and they didn’t mention Blake Snell (or Jo-Ram or Acuña), but mentioned Jose Urena, Jared Hughes and Wade LeBlanc by three writers from sites that help or support them. Not to get too aluminum-foil-hat-wearing here, but, if you don’t think they have an agenda with who they highlight, you’re not seeing the big picture. As with other target posts, these guys are being drafted after the top 200 overall. Anyway, here’s some starters to target for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Domingo Santana (1-for-5 with a grand slam) is already in beast mode. That beast is a dingo, emphasis on ding, as in dinger, and you can’t spell Domingo without dong, but this dingo eats dongs not babies, and I’ve got smoke coming out my ears….We have real baseball! Then, tomorrow we won’t have real baseball again for a week. MLB is so crackers it’s staying at the Ritz by the water, Cheez-it, Mary and Joseph! “Happy Opening Day two days later,” said the Time Zone to the Baseball Fan. I can’t wait to see how Mike Fiers (3 IP, 5 ER) and Marco Gonzales (6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks) react to pitching in a game, then taking a 56-hour plane flight home to pitch again in a week. Their combined 89 MPH fastballs are gonna have some jet lag. Hopefully, their elbows won’t. The Stream-o-Nator wasn’t thrilled with either pitcher, and neither was great. Yes, the Stream-o-Nator is back! The only real takeaway I have from these games is the A’s are at least thinking similarly to me, and that Ramon Laureano (0-for-5, 3 Ks) is the best man for the A’s leadoff job. I’ll toast to that! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
This preseason is weird. Games have started, but not really. Due to the unlikely nature of the preseason, I’ve decided to delve into the wholly unlikely with some bold predictions. I’m not sure if I’ve ever done a bold predictions post before, because, it is a very stupid post. Do you say things like, “Cameron Maybin will hit 175 homers?” Which is bold, but absurd. Or do you say Daniel Palka will be a top 40 outfielder, which, I guess is bold, but I’ve already written a Daniel Palka sleeper post, so, while bold, I think it’s more realistic. In other words, whose definition of bold are we using? Some pussyfooters strutting around like they’ve got Brad Peacock’s plummage and saying Bryce Harper will be a top 10 outfielder or some legit peacocks who are brushing back their feathered hair in their El Dorados saying Ronald Guzman will hit 30 homers? I honestly don’t know. This is also why when people go back in October and say, “So, um *clears throat* I had three of my ten bold predictions come true. The first one was Realmuto won’t be the number one catcher. Yadda blabba bloo!” *farts into hand* It’s total nonsense. Realmuto won’t be the number one catcher has like a 90% chance of happening and is not bold. I’m gonna go crazy bold! Let’s get ready to grumble! Anyway, here’s some 2019 fantasy baseball bold predictions:Please, blog, may I have some more?