Go ahead, Mr. Wendle! Mr. Wendle, yeah! Lord, Mr. Wendle! If you didn’t know I was quoting Arrested Development, you’d think I was fornicating with someone named Mr. Wendle. You know Mr. Wendle is no bum. By the way, is it in poor taste to hand out B.U.M. equipment sweatshirts at a homeless shelter? Ya know what, prolly better you don’t answer. Yesterday, Joey Wendle (3-for-4, 6 RBIs) hit his 8th and 9th homer, about two weeks after I told you to drop him. Oopsie! Much more egregiously is the A’s and Rays screwed over Wendle so bad that he won’t be a free agent for the first time until he’s 34 years old. What a s’Wendle! Any hoo! Also, in this game, Austin Meadows (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 22nd homer as he makes a case for himself in my fantasy team with Audrey and Jayne. Um, my Meadows fantasy team. Then, Jordan Luplow (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 8th homer, and I didn’t know what MLB team he was on, and I’m not even sure Jordan Luplow knew. Over on the O’s making the O face was Jorge Mateo (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) who hit his 3rd homer, and is hitting around .350 since his trade from the Padres to the O’s. With his 50-steal speed, he’s angling himself for a 2022 sleeper. For this year, I’d absolutely grab him but for SAGNOF; power has a face, and it’s not his. Finally, Cedric Mullins (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) and Ryan Mountcastle (4-for-5, 3 runs) both hit their 24th homer. Not at the same time, that’s not allowed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)

“Your mascara isn’t as thick as I’d expect from someone named Billie Eyelash.” At a podium, Billie Eilish laughs at Billy Crystal, and the banter fades away as they get serious to announce Best New Artist. Hoping to join previous winners like Evanescence, Bruce Hornsby and the Range and Paula Cole, Nicky Lopez sits in the audience with his fingers crossed. His head bowed in pray. This is his first day off in weeks from the basepaths, where he’s put out such hits as:  “A 2-for-4 with three steals,” the top 40 hit “1-for-4 with two steals,” and “Can’t Keep My SAGNOF To Myself,” the Grammy nominated song in another category. A song Nicky co-wrote with the 71-year-old George Thorogood. Nicky Lopez is also the Least Likely Player To Get A Buy Lede. He’s got less power than Nick Madrigal, who has the power of a June bug in July when it’s just exhausted. By the by, they should have a Home Run Derby of guys like Lopez and Madrigal. Alonso can hit 30 homers in four minutes, whoop-dee-doo. Let’s see someone who can’t hit it out of the infield try to hit two homers in four minutes! Any hoo! Lopez might have no power like Madrigal, but he’s hitting like Nick Madrigal in every other way too. His contact rates are amongst the most improved, and he should hit ~.280. The real clincher here is obviously how he’s stealing multiple bags per game, and the Royals have no reason to stop him. I know in most of my leagues that ten random steals in September might be the difference in multiple standings points. Okay, back to the show…The envelope is ripped, as Billie and Billy lean in to announce together, “Best New Artist is…Nicky Lopez!” As Lopez heads up to the stage, past winners Hootie and the Blowfish cheer him on, and George Thorogood doffs his cowboy hat. In the audience, Lorde mutters, “Freakin’ Royals.” Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hello, welcome to my Red Sox blog. We are the Nephews of Sam Horn. His “Sons” were taken by less bandwagony Red Sox fans that were cheering for them for a long time. I started this week, when I wrote a whole thing about Hunter Renfroe. Now ermahgerd it’s Bobby Dalbec‘s time in the spotlight. If you spell it Dlabec, it sounds like an Eastern European dictator with the same level of power. If I could do one of those C’s where there’s a hook on it, I so would. I have a soupçon of an idea what that C’s called. Wait a seçond! Autoçorrect did it–Hold on, now it’s too muçh. Okay, çut it out! So, yesterday, Bobby Dalbec (3-for-4, 3 runs, 7 RBIs) hit his 15th and 16th homers, and, boy, the ball is flying out in Boston recently. This is Dalbec’s 2nd two-homer game of August, and, well, not much else. Dalbec won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if he’s available and you need power, I could see it. This guy gets it done; I’m gonna call him, Bobby Do’er. Hey, that’s not confusing with any Red Sox greats, right? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Okay, let me get this straight so I can fully understand. Robbie Ray puts on some gotchies that are three sizes too small so you can see homeboy’s birth marks on his asscheeks and then he becomes elite? Fine, then I’m gonna try and write wearing jeans shorts, jorts if you will, that are too small. Ready? Here we go! Robbie…The button is digging into my FUPA! The pockets are chafing my upper thighs! Ugh, I can’t get them off! Oh my God, I’m calling 911! I can’t feel my knees! Help me! “Hello, can you spare Chris Sale? I need him to cut something off me. Hello?! Help!” So, Robbie Ray went 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.72. On the Player Rater, he’s around a top ten starter. Can Robbie Ray do that in 2022 fantasy? In short, yes. In long, yeeeeeeeeeeees. He has a 11.3 K/9 and 2.3 BB/9. That’s an ace. Can he repeat the command? That’s the real trick, but as soon as someone shows a skill, I’m not going to take it from them. It’s not like this is a 20 IP sample. He’s done this for 150+ IP. Yes, Robbie Ray appears to be legit. As long as he never lets out his inseam. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Before the game, Kenta Maeda was getting a 2nd opinion on his UCL, which is always good news. If I were a 2nd opinion doctor, I’d just say, “Same,” and collect all those greenbacks. Actually, might not even need a medical degree to be a “Same” 2nd opinion doc. So, the Twins turned to one of their great young arms, Griffin Jax (4 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 6.29). Twins got Randy Dobnak from Uber, and Jax from Postmates. If Maeda can’t return, the Twins are gonna get a month subscription to Blue Apron. On the positive side of things, the Red Sox sent down Jarren Duran (well, positive after this). When the team wants to go with Travis Shaw (1-for-3 and his 8th homer) over you, well, there’s no amount of violins to play. You suck. The good news: Duran’s price is gonna be super cheap next year. Then, as Alex Cora continues to stupid-up the lineup card, leadoff man, Enrique Hernandez (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 16th homer, but the real star was Hunter Renfroe. He’s rivaled only by Austin Riley, Adam Duvall, Jorge Soler–well, all Braves–rivaled only by them for guys who get crazy hot, and he’s in the middle of one such stretch. He now has four homers in the four games, and, as Scooby-Doo would say, “Renfroe!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

After his 500th home run, Miguel Cabrera has more to celebrate, his son, Edward–*intern whispers in ear*…I see….Asdrubal? No, huh? Melky? Orlando? Daniel? Former professional pitcher for the Rockies, Edwar Cabrera? Okay, I’m hearing Edward Cabrera is the newest Cabrera. In sixty years, my brain is going to be inside a robot, and Greybot 5000 is going to be like, “Streamonator was made by a human, but is not incorrect when it lists all starters for tomorrow as Cabreras, due to the Law of 2081 that stated only Cabreras can play baseball. That’s what happens when you make a Robot Ump commissioner, and let Robot Umps kill players who argue with them.” You see what happens when Robot Umps are implemented? I’m from the future and you must stop them! Any hoo! I told you to grab Edward Cabrera in the Buy column, because my Marlins’ contact said he’d be up soon, and would you look at that. Cabrera is set to start on Wednesday, bringing with him — 14.7 K/9 (Zoinks), 5.8 BB/9 (Yikes). As Prospect Itch said, “Edward Cabrera is something of a supersized Sixto with more strikeouts but less command. Huge upside with upper 90s heat. That I like to imagine hitting Grey in the melon.” Okay, not cool! I’d grab Cabrera in any league where you’re looking for some rookie nookie. Though, he could absolutely lead to roofies. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“When you come through Ellis Island with a whole boatload of Nootbaars, do you go to immigration or declare them with VAT?” That’s me talking to myself while watching Lars Nootbaar with a game-saving catch for Alex Reyes and the Cards, and securing the win for Adam Wainwright (8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.10). Adam Wainwright has a 3.10-ish ERA across the past two seasons. Suddenly, every MLB hitter vs. Wainwright is Carlos Beltran. After the game, Wainwright said, “I would’ve thrown a complete game but I remembered we paid a cab driver $2500 to take Lane Thomas to Washington, and I thought that it was really clever how we paid the cabbie, so I was reading a Wiki-How to sign up for Venmo during the 9th, i.e., I was distracted.” Fair enough, Wainwright! He honestly doesn’t need to do much more. Outside of Zack Wheeler, I don’t think anyone is throwing 200 IP this year, but Wainwright is actually in the conversation at 162 2/3 IP. On the Player Rater, he’s in the hunt for a top 15 starter season, and, excuse me, while I kick myself in the shins. That’s exactly the type of bargain-basement draft pick that makes all the difference in deep leagues. People (yours truly, included) out there chasing upside, and Wainwright chaperoning fantasy teams to first place, and putting the prom in promised land. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)

Jose Miranda as played by Cynthia Nixon in her most challenging role yet: Minnesota Twins prospect. The sun sets through the West Village window, as clickety-clack from Carrie’s word processor is heard. She reads the words out loud as they make their way onto her 64-bit screen, “Miranda wasn’t going to come, so to speak, up for the Twins until they were good and ready. With Josh out of the picture–Is Josh out of the picture?–Gosh, Miranda really needs to find a new position, so to speak, to play in. Maybe Miranda can get in, so to speak, some time at 2nd base, like Samantha after five minutes knowing a guy.” And that’s me quoting Carrie Bradshaw! Jose Miranda has no speed, but his bat is more than ready, and it is explosive. Possesses the usual Twins’ tendencies — Twindencies? — he doesn’t strike out at all and doesn’t walk a ton. Are the Twins developing prospects or just cloning a Luis Arraez who was dipped in amber? Developing, because Miranda actually has power, unlike most Twins prospects. As Prospect Itch said recently, “Minnesota has demonstrated an appreciation for precisely this sort of profile, and Miranda is a better all-around hitter than some of the other guys they’ve hidden the past few years (Astudillo, Sano, Rooker). And much better than Grey, who sucks.” Okay, that’s hurtful. I’m stashing Miranda now. “I know just the slot for him,” says Samantha as Miranda groans. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Went looking for Joey Votto stats since the All-Star break and I found this tidbit:

In case you missed the fine print, that’s from 2016, so kinda pointless, but it shows he loves himself some hot air. Joey is filled with it! And so am I. Wanna elbow bump or shake hands? Elbow? Okay, cool. Here’s another one:

That was 2015. I’ve proved my point. Earlier this year, during the trading deadline week, he came within one homer and about two feet in Metco of tying the Devil Dale Long’s Home Run Record, which is the best baseball record. With his 27th homer last night, Joey Votto has 16 homers and 39 RBIs in the 32 games since the break. Not only is Votto hitting for a solid average (.281), but he’s also hitting for power, and, you kinda get the impression, he could do whatever he wanted with whatever pitch he saw. Personal anecdote alert that I’ve recounted before. Fast forward a blurb if you’re not interested. When I was in my teens, I went to baseball summer camp. The guy who ran it was a Yankees’ scout, so he’d have players come in to teach us fundamentals. One guest was Mike Pagliarulo. I know, I know, this is like the opening monologue before someone sings Springsteen’s Glory Days at karaoke. Any hoo! Pags was the best hitter I ever saw within three feet of me. One kid there was a minor league pitcher, and Pags was so dramatically better than him, it was obvious the kid would never go anywhere. If Pags wanted to hit a home run to right against this kid, he did. Up the middle? No problem. Home run to left? Sure, why not? So, my point (!), against this minor league pitcher, Pags did what I imagine Votto does against major leaguers. Votto is my Pags of the majors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“The 1994 classic, Blank Check, is possibly the best film ever, better than those Godfather films. Did you know they aren’t even about the perils of being a Godfather? Like what gift do I give my godson for his fifth birthday? Or what happens when my god daughter’s mother is hitting on me? Anyway, Blank Check is a ten out of ten, better than Dunston Checks In. The only drawback I can see is I thought Blank Check was initially about what the Braves will be offering Freddie Freeman this offseason.” Sorry! I was just typing up my IMDB Blank Check review. Yesterday, Freddie Freeman acquired his 2nd career cycle, going 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, as he hits .301. His Ks, walks, BABIP, HardHit%, HR/FB% and spread of balls to his pull side vs. opposite way are all in line with previous–Okay, is he a robot? Thought we were starting to see the beginning of the end when he was struggling with his average in the early months, but that was fraught for naught. I’m sure we’ll see more cycles in the future for Freeman if he ever gets that Braves’ blank check. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I had the worst intro to a post in my head and because of OCD and other complicated factors I kinda have to do it now. The worst intro ever to any post ever written: It’s time we talked about (insert subject). Hey, Awkward Intro Sentence, how about you just talk about the subject and stop talking about how it’s time we talk about it! This…this whole talking about a terrible intro for an extended period of time? It’s much worse! I’ve worsened the worst! Luckily, we’re going from worsening of the worst to one of the best of the last three months. So, it’s time we talk about (side-eye) Logan Webb. On one breaking pitch to Jonathan Villar, it was like, “Bye-bye for now, you’re no longer needed.” Speaking of breaking:

Yesterday, Logan Webb went 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.92, and he has the 2nd best ERA in the major leagues in the last three months (1.64). Only pitcher’s ERA that is better since May is Jacob deGrom. He’s only allowed 17 earned runs since May 1st! That’s 64 IP, and 11 starts. The thing about his ERA too, it’s not all smoke and mirrors. He’s a 9.5 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 guy, which isn’t quite an ace, but it’s not far off from a fantasy three with two leanings, i.e., May not be Breaking Bad-level good, but he’s definitely a bad man who is breaking good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

My brain whenever I see Brandon Lowe: “It’s Low, right? No, you idiot, it’s like Lau! LAU! LAU! Say LAU! Which is pronounced like Low, right? NO! It rhymes with chow! It’s Lau!” Then, I compose myself and pronounce it as “Low.” Literally, without fail. I hope you do this too, so I’m not alone. It would make me feel better. Thank you. Yesterday, Lowe–Lau! But spelled Lowe!–went double ding dong, as he led-off (3-for-4, 3 RBIs) with his 27th and 28th homer. Also, in the Hooters-adjacent Tampa Bay-adjacent St. Pete’s Basilica, Kevin Kiermaier (1-for-4) hit his 4th homer; Brett Phillips (2-for-4) boogied his way to his 10th homer and Mike Brosseau (1-for-4) hit his 5th homer. Now I see why Brosseau, “Whoa.” Lowe, though (doesn’t rhyme), is repeating his HR/FB% from last year’s breakout, along with FB%, and HardHit%, but not really his strikeouts. He’s way more aggressive at the plate (O-Swing% and Swing% up), and unfortunately for him, he’s making more contact on junk pitches. Wish the average was higher for Lowe (that’s not a pun, it’s Lau not Low), but he’s established himself as a 32-homer guy with upside for 2022. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?