Baseball, like a flower, blooms in the spring. They also share equally effusive PR people. Just the other day I read about how a petunia’s branches gained 15 pounds and was in the best shape of its life. Sure, it’s always good to look at spring training numbers to give you an idea what you can expect from guys during the season — can I draft Adalberto Mondesi yet?! Players in spring training are facing the top pitchers who are all displaying their best stuff. No one needs time to get warmed up. No one’s trying new pitches or getting a feel for the ball. They are at the height of their game in the beginning of March. Our former commissioner, Bud, once doffed his toupee and tried to have the World Series played in March. Since these spring training numbers mean so much, I decided to look at some players stats so far:

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After calling Alex Bregman overrated, I’m sticking with the trash can theme, as in, grab a trash can because you’re about to vomit:


Me in the locker room interviewing Kris Bryant, “Yo, Kris Bryant, are you the worst hitter who people think is great or is it me? And, honestly, I don’t think it’s me.” After being chased from the locker room, I look back and scream, “Hey, I wasn’t the one who compared you to Daniel Descalso!” Door slams on my face, then, after two beats, I pop my head back in, “At least it was 2018 Descalso, the year he was relatively good for him and hit 13 homers and .238!” Seriously, what in the holy eff is the deal with people liking Kris Bryant? I feel like to do justice to writing an overrated post for Kris Bryant, I need to first interview some people who like Kris Bryant at his current top 50 overall price tag. “Hello, I see you like Kris Bryant, can I ask you why?” Listening, then, “Because he’s handsome? Hmm…Wait, what’s that? Because he had a great year in 2016? Oh, okay.” Well, obviously, I’m not wasting my time interviewing anyone, but I imagine that’s about the summation of their defense for drafting Bryant. They’re not people who are looking at his recent numbers, or it’s some anecdotal nonsense about how he was great not that long ago. Hate to break it to you, but I think that’s ship’s sailed or you need to stop pretending you’re ‘shipped to him. So, what can we expect from Kris Bryant for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

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The ax fell yesterday on Luis Severino‘s elbow. That ax was wielded by Dr. James Andrews, who was wearing a Jason mask at the time of the news conference. A reporter stands, “Doc, do you think Severino can avoid Tommy John surgery?” Dr. James Andrews, breathy like Kathleen Turner with an unmistakeable Charleston accent, “I do declare,” Dr. James Andrews pats his mask with a handkerchief, “Severino’s time under the knife will be short, but his stay on the Injured List long.” He then scratched his arm with the ax and accidentally ripped his doctor’s lab coat. “If there’s no further questions, I will be going,” Dr. James Andrews stood, sticking out his arms in a Jason pose, and slowly left the stage. So, Severino and Dr. James Andrews have been acquainted and if you drafted Severino early, you’re ess oh el as they say in Acronyms R’ Us chatrooms. I’ve removed Severino from the top 40 starters and top 500 for 2020 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in fantasy baseball:

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The prairie wind stirs up the sweet bouquet of spring. On the horizon, we see Mason Saunders, a rodeo extraordinaire, who looks remarkably similar to Madison Bumgarner. Mason stands on top of a wild steer throwing knives into a target right above the Astros’ mascot’s head, Orbit. Charlie Blackmon, dressed like the star of the blaxploitation film Chazz Noir Does Your Mom, approaches Saunders. “I’m Chazz Noir and my tricked-out Cadillac lowrider ran out of gas at the entrance of your ranch. Was wondering if you had any extra gas.” Saunders throws one last curve with his knife, and it sticks into Orbit’s arm and the mascot goes down like a sack of potatoes. Finally, Saunders replies, “Around here, boy, there’s no handouts. You need to work for gas. In the silo on the left of my ranch, we make Horsey Sauce that we sell to Arby’s, and, in the right silo of the ranch, is ranch dressing.”

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As many of you know, I’m in the NL-Only Tout Wars and LABR, so every year I take part in an industry NL-Only league with the CBS peeps to try to find my footing before I go off this Friday to Florida to take on the heavyweights, and Mike Gianella, who appears to have a healthy BMI. Some might mock, some might mock draft, but this is my draft prep, and am happy to take part in this league. Until about 25 minutes into the draft, and players go for way too much, and I start getting hungry and I just want the whole thing to be over and ermahgerd! But, for those first twenty-five minutes of the five-hour draft, I’m laser focused. For this league, I once again use Rudy’s NL-Only rankings, and his War Room (it’s free with a subscription). I won’t try to get you to buy it anymore. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make the horse put a cape down so I can walk over the water without getting wet. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds others for prizes –> Razzball Commenter Leagues.)  Anyway, here’s my 12-team NL-Only team and some thoughts:

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I get jazz handsy when I’m writing overrated posts. It’s Razzball, after all. Razz is in the name, so it’s only natural I want to mock players. That’s what this whole shebang is built on, mocking. By the by, in retrospect, was Ricky Martin’s hit song, She Bangs, really written to be Shebang, as in the whole shebang, and the record label changed it to make it sound more hetero? “Um, Ricky, I like that song, it’s catchy, but maybe you could pause after ‘she.'” Or maybe Martin was commenting on a hairstyle of a female acquaintance who had bangs. This was a 20-year riff in the making, huh? Any hoo! I enjoy mocking players; it’s fun! With that said (time for Grey to turn this ship around), I’m getting no pleasure from mocking Joey Gallo. I like guys who hit 700-foot moonshots! Who doesn’t? Sometimes I’ll take a bottle of peach schnapps outside at night just so I can do my own moonshots. Sometimes I’ll take my Derringer out there and just shoot at the moon. I love that shizz! The more moonshottie the better! Ricky Martin should do a song, Moons Hottie, putting in a hetero space between words! I’d download that shizz and hit the avenue with the top down, pumping up the jams! I love it! How’sever…Well…So, what can we expect from Joey Gallo for 2020 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

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This isn’t about the Cheaty Cheaty Bang Bang scandal. I’m not here to talk about the Fiers Festival. We’re not going to rehash the Banghazi hashtag. You have a Big Bang Theory? Great, so do I. Wanna hear it after saying I’m not going to talk about it? Fine! Twist my arm! The Asterisks cheated; it’s well-documented. You can’t watch a home game of the Asterisks without it sounding like the PA speaker is accidentally on while someone nearby hammers together a piece of Ikea furniture without the proper instructions. “Where does this screw go? Hmm…eff it, I’m just gonna bang it together.” That’s what it sounded like. I made less racket drunk at 2 AM in college. There’s quieter trash cans in the dead of winter filled with a family of raccoons. There’s a ton of evidence. Irrefutable evidence, and they were convicted of cheating by Our Commissioner Manfred, who almost requested the return of a piece of metal. Their GM and manager fell on the swords. Were they the main ones to blame? Haha, my dude, the players are the ones that cheated. I’ve seen video evidence of Alex Bregman at the plate while Bang A Gong (Get It On) played in the background. So, he was right there in the middle of Bang-gate. Should he have apologized? I think so, but they were busted already, so it’s not like he’s saying something people don’t know. It’s the way of celebrities (athletes and otherwise) to not apologize unless it’s through a spokesperson. Never the hoo! None of this matters for fantasy or it all matters. We won’t know until the 2020 season concludes. We’d be guessing on that. The easy narrative for Bang-gate is:  Bregman was good on the road, so he’s fine. That’s dismissive of what it is actually going on here. I was saying you should avoid Alex Bregman before any ruling came down about cheating.  So, what makes Alex Bregman overrated for 2020 fantasy baseball?

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Will get out of the way upfront the compliments. Yahoo isn’t nearly as bad as ESPN this year. (Likely any year.) Here’s my critique of the ESPN 2020 fantasy baseball rankings. ESPN appears to be phoning it in and they haven’t paid their phone bill in six months and they’re in talks with a bankruptcy attorney to get an extension on their bill because, “What defunct are they talking about?” While I don’t agree with all of Yahoo’s 2020 fantasy baseball rankings, I can at least understand what they’re talking about most of the time. For unstints, they have Fernando Tatis Jr. ranked 11th overall vs. my 10th, and ESPN has him at 43rd overall. That especially feels like a joke, much like, “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “An Astros player stealing signs.” So, before this becomes a 360-degree jerk with my new best friends at Yahoo, who I’m guessing not-so-secretly despise me, here’s a totally impartial look at Yahoo’s 2020 fantasy baseball rankings vs. my own 2020 fantasy baseball rankings:

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Last week I drafted against Scott White of CBS and like ten other Razzball guys. Pretty soon this league’s draft will be Scott White smashing a bottle of champagne on the front of the Razzball ship, then twelve Razzball guys will battle for the ‘ship with Donkey Teeth screaming, “You’ve sunk my battleship,” and me saying, “I’m standing next to you, stop screaming.” So, it was B_Don, The Prospect Itch, Donkey Teeth, me, Scott White and some other ‘perts. Maybe those other Razzball guys will give you a recap of their drafts (if you ask nicely), but we’re here for my ishkabibble and I came away with a team more imbalanced than your aunt after two cocktails. This league is deep so hold onto ye olde hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Or closet buddies, if you’re reading fast and/or experimenting.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team AL-Only team and some thoughts:

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The best 2020 fantasy baseball team is a misnomer. Thankfully, none of us know what misnomer means. Sounds to me like someone tentatively wants to date the Travelocity Gnome’s daughter, “Miss Gnome, er, you wanna grab some boba and chill?” Miss Gnome brushes back her hair and bats her eyelashes that are almost as long as her two-and-half foot body, “I’d love to,” but her voice is high-pitched, which is a turn-off, so you cancel plans with her repeatedly until she gets the hint. Sorry, Miss Gnome, I like my women’s voices low like their stature. Any hoo!  So the title is a bit of a superlative. What was I gonna say, “The Mostly Kinda Good Fantasy Baseball Team?” You’ll get over your scoffing; I have faith in you. This is the best 2020 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2020 fantasy baseball and top 500 for 2020 fantasy baseball. Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different, but equally terrific… Well, one of the twenty-five would only be sorta terrific, but it would be really hard to tell which one that is. If I took Adalberto Mondesi in the 2nd round, everything after would change. If I took Trea Turner in the 1st round, everything after would change. I’ve previously gone over my 2020 fantasy baseball draft prep for the first few rounds and pitchers pairings.  For this exercise, I’m taking Fernando Tatis in the first, because, well, people complained previously I always did this post by taking the first pick, so I’m switching it up, like when you combover your hair right instead of left. Until pick 100, I’m taking one guy somewhere in every fifteen picks. It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted Gerrit Cole and deGrom in the first two rounds and I was able to take Trevor Story in the 2nd round (which is likely), but since Tatis and him are in my first 14 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both. Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken. People tend to look at team need over value. So for this exercise, once I get to pick #101, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks. Finally, because there is so much latitude in the last 300, I gave myself free rein to fill up my team after pick 200. Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward. Or reach around, if you’re feeling frisky. It should still be my ideal team…or not. Let’s see, shall we? Bee tee dubya, this team is a 12-team, 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues (go sign up).  Anyway, here’s the best 2020 fantasy baseball team:

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