How many people have driven halfway to the hospital thinking they’re dying only to realize if they go to the hospital they really will die, then pulled over into the shoulder and wept? No one? Wow, brave souls. Listen, if it’s not meant for sobbing into it, it shouldn’t be called a shoulder. That’s all I have to say on that. So, I’ve already given you updated 100-games-played projections in my 2020 fantasy baseball rankings, but this, here, this thing you’re reading here, this is some thoughts on specific shortstops whose value could change based on a shortened season — shortenstopped season? Hmm, needs work. I’ve already done Corona timeline updates for the 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and catchers. The top 20 shortstops for 2020 fantasy baseball were updated with new projections for a 100-game season. Anyway, here’s thoughts on the top 20 shortstops for 2020 fantasy baseball with the new Corona timeline:

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It’s Day 186 of the quarantine and I’ve washed my hands so many times under hot water they’re braised to perfection so I will eat them. A few hours later:  I don’t have any toilet paper so watch me as I poop out my hands I will also use to wipe. What’s that, you’re only on Day 18? Oh, I started social distancing last November. At the time, I called it “being anti-social.” So, I’ve already given you updated 100-games-played projections in my 2020 fantasy baseball rankings, but this, here, this thing you’re reading here, this is some thoughts on specific 2nd basemen whose value could change based on a shortened season. I’ve already done Corona timeline updates for the 1st basemen and catchers. We had some laughs and then one of you turned that into a whooping cough and we asked you to quarantine in your closet. We’ll give him 72 hours, then check on him. The top 20 2nd basemen for 2020 fantasy baseball were updated with new projections for a 100-game season. Anyway, here’s thoughts on the top 20 2nd basemen for 2020 fantasy baseball with the new Corona timeline:

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No one is playing baseball, which means there’s a lot of wives around the country telling their husbands to stop scratching themselves, and that’s just the wives of fantasy baseballers. Imagine those poor ballplayers’ wives. “Why do you keep spitting into my potted plants?” and “Stop with the complicated signs when you’re calling in our basset hound. He doesn’t understand.” We should be complaining about Bud Black not playing Sam Hilliard or Raimel Tapia while opting for Ian Desmond, but instead Bud Black is home deciding to go with mustard on his hamburger for the last 17 days and refusing to give ketchup a chance. Ketchup is good, Bud, give it a shot! New things don’t have to scare you! Vladimir Guerrero Jr. should be on the field, reminding everyone of his father, but instead he’s home reminding his father to wash his hands. After 1st hearing about the restrictions, Vlad Sr. replies, “Forget shaking hands, I wouldn’t even elbow bump with Moises Alou.” Since everyone has been home for the last two-plus weeks, we’ve culled all the important player news from around the league for your fantasy teams and bring it to you now:

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How’s everyone doing two weeks into a quarantine? I posed for an hour trying to take the perfect picture of myself for this tweet:

Can you think of a better use of time? Whee! I just literally yelled, “Whee!” and did a little dance, then washed my hands. I’m batshizz crazy and I work from home. This quarantine made me realize my only real hobbies outside of baseball are going out to eat and spending money. I’m not just on day 17 of a quarantine; I’m also on day 17 of receiving nothing but dank toilet paper memes from my mom. I guess it’s better than Pizzagate. Whee! I did it again. The Whee Dance, as I’m now calling it. Any hoo! The top 20 1st basemen for 2020 fantasy baseball were updated with new projections for a 100-game season. With this series, I will take a look around the 2020 fantasy baseball rankings to see if there’s any differences now that we might only play a 100-game season. Projections have been updated on all my positional rankings. Anyway, here’s thoughts on the top 20 1st basemen for 2020 fantasy baseball with the new Corona timeline:

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Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know the fantasy baseball season is delayed. For those that are living under a rock, stay there, especially if you have toilet paper. True story alert! Cougs and I are doing this thing called Shipt, where you get a remote personal shopper to go to the store for you. So, we sent them to the CVS to get me Suave deodorant — Don’t tell me it’s a female deodorant, either. Do you often describe a female as “suave?” I didn’t think so! — soap, hand sanitizer, paper towels, and, of course, toilet paper. The shopper notified us from the store, they had nothing we ordered, but did we want anything else? We were like, “Sure, peanut butter cups.” When the apocalypse came, we ordered someone to get us toiletries and when that failed, we got candies. Books will be written about the fall of the United States, and there will be a chapter on how we all just shrugged when we got dem candies placed on our doorstep. And, yes, I am now wiping with tiny gold aluminum foil. With this series, I will take a look around the 2020 fantasy baseball rankings to see if there’s any differences now that we might only play a 100-game season. Projections have been updated on all my positional rankings. This is using the top 20 catchers for 2020 fantasy baseball as our guide. Anyway, here’s thoughts on the top 20 catchers for 2020 fantasy baseball with the new Corona timeline:

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I’ve recapped all my 2020 fantasy baseball teams because I’m a baller, fantasy and otherwise. Come for me and you will get Mutombo’d, finger-wag and all. Just like The Corona Mutombo’d its finger-wag to Opening Day. You don’t have to go home, Opening Day, but you can’t come here right now because there’s a guy who hasn’t washed his hands. Scrub your dirty sausage fingers, you sicko! Is what I scream out my mail slot every time someone walks past my house. Shame about Opening Day, but it will happen. Jokes aside, MLB is showing all the signs of wanting to get this thing off the ground. They’re talking about paying players a full year of service time. Does that sound like a league that doesn’t want to play? I’m still going on the assumption they’ll get 100 games in, but knowing how much rich people want to stay rich and knowing they’re currently paying people to not play makes me think they will be playing. A lot of games. They might just ram 140 games in something insane, like, a 135-day schedule. Think of the Royals, you really think they’re paying players to not play? They don’t even pay players to play! On a side but related note, it’s funny to hear people now say they’re not playing baseball this year. That is prolly a below 5% chance, but it’s like when people see a player like Jason Kubel have a huge 1st game of the season and think he’s now Mike Trout. You’re overestimating the present situation vs. gauging actual reality. Any hoo! One small note for perspective, I drafted ten leagues (so far, still holding on our RCL league) with three NL-Only leagues and one AL-Only league, and, no, I didn’t also draft Pete Alonso in the AL-Only. Anyway, here’s my top 2020 fantasy baseball player shares:

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So, usually I have an idea if a team is good, and, if I don’t know that, I have some idea when the season will begin, but welcome to the year 2020 when all is unknown. I’m currently typing this with my hands tied behind my back so I don’t accidentally touch my facet–Face! Damn it, this typing with my nose is more difficult than I thought it would beet–Damn! This is giving ‘hunt and peck’ typing a new definition. More like ‘hen and peck’ amiright? Don’t answer me because you might accidentally transmit saliva into the air. Thanks, and remember, SOCIAL DISTANCING!!!, which is what I scream at Cougs every time she comes within six feet of me. Makes for interesting sleeping as our bed is about six feet in width. So, the RazzSlam is a Best Ball tourney with Points scoring. Everyone likely knows what a Best Ball league is, but, if you don’t, it’s when you draft a team and the computer manages it for you by choosing who are the best players, and you get those stats. It’s basically one fantasy league removed from the robots taking over and killing us all. Well, the last laugh is on you robots, there’s a virus beating you to the punch! Anyway, here’s my RazzSlam, 12 team draft recap:

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“It’s day 127 of the quarantine and all pitchers have already had Tommy John surgery. Now our first manager is going under the knife.”

“I was reaching for a toothpick and I heard something pop,” said Dusty Baker.

For those who have resorted to wiping their butts with baseball news for lack of toilet paper, Noah Syndergaard has a torn UCL and is kaput for 16-ish months. If only someone told you to avoid Noah Syndergaard, huh? What’s that, Voice In My Head? I told everyone to avoid Noah Syndergaard? Aw, jeez, I think you’re right. Voice In My Head, can I ever be as smart as you? Voice In My Head, “No. Shut up.” Wow, graciousness has left the chat. In my top 40 starters for 2020 fantasy baseball, I had a tier of guys to avoid, that tier had in it Noah Syndergaard, Luis Severino and Chris Sale. Gosh darn it, fellas, I might be as smart as the Voice In My Head. Can you even imagine it? This Syndergaard news is terrible. Dot dot dot. For all the people who wanted to draft him but got off easy because their drafts were delayed until MLB stops washing its hands of the season. Seriously, the only thing that sucks in all of my absolute genie-ness psychic ability is everyone not getting a chance to draft these pitchers before it’s too late. People tend to hate when people take victory laps over injuries, but I have on my Fitbit and I’m going for a jog! I’ve been saying to avoid Syndergaard for so long (two years), due to funky things going on in his peripherals. Maybe I didn’t know 100% he was injured, but I 100% knew something was wrong with him, and have been saying it. Not sure why people are thinking he tore his UCL just this week. This is the Mets and their doctors. Syndergaard was likely injured for the last two years. Okay, I’m out of shape from too much quarantining, so pulling the victory lap into the depot to freshen up with some hand sanitizer. On a side note, all of these guys going for Tommy John surgery might be signaling something else. No, not that they have no porch that needs repair like you during the Corona timeline. It means we might have more baseball this year than next year. If there’s a lockout to start the 2021 season, and baseball returns in June for the 2nd year in a row, how many starts do these guys miss? Not to answer, but to ruminate until our next full season in 2022. Anyway, here’s what else I saw for 2020 fantasy baseball:

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You ever draft, like, twelve teams and have eleven teams that are all very similar and one team that is nothing like the other teams? This, here, is that other team. In theory, this team could be my one good team and the other eleven could be garbage, but I sure hope that’s not the case. I started this draft like every other league this offseason — by taking Pete Alonso in the 2nd round. At that point, this team veered into a different direction to never return. For those not in the know, it’s a weekly, 15-team, 5×5, two-catcher league that lasts for 50 rounds and there’s no waivers. NFBC has decided to cut off new slow draft leagues like this one, so I don’t think we’re doing another one this year. Sorry, I wanted to do one more league too. I will now put on The Knack and change the words in my head to My Corona. Anyway, here’s my NFBC draft recap:

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The BBC announced during the shutdown that when the season returns they will keep airing reruns of Fawlty Davis, delaying Mountcastle for the foreseeable future. The BBC’s head of programming Peter Angelos, noted spendthrift and lover of reality shows, said, “We should air a full season of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here starring Richie Martin trying to unsuccessfully cross the River Ruiz.” Filling their lineup:  Hanser & Renato, a BBC surprise hit, will be returning, and generating some underground enthusiasm is Austin “Martin” Hays, a David Tennant-led vehicle, where he’s a mechanic by day and detective by night, and Dwight Smith Jr. & Jose Iglesias starring in AB Unfab, where they just get gross at-bats. Okay, seriously, what on the earth that is in total lockdown is going on with the Orioles? They announced Ryan Mountcastle was optioned to the minors. THERE’S NOT EVEN ANY MINORS?! There’s no freakin’ baseball, Orioles, you giant nimrods! How can they be so dense? Trey Mancini, which I still pronounce like fettuccini, but hoping he gets healthy, needs some time, I’d imagine. Doesn’t cancer lead to chemo which leads to a lower immune system? That makes me think Mancini won’t be back this year, and I removed him from my top 20 1st basemen for 2020 fantasy baseball, while also moving down Mountcastle. Now all we have to look forward to is the new season of Luther starting Idris Alberto. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this week for 2020 fantasy baseball:

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