Moment of silence for the White Sox. Their gambit failed and now they’re stuck with every top free agent’s in-laws.  Their clubhouse chemistry is gonna be like Meet the Fockers but more Dominican.  Meet the Focktinez!  “That’s my cat, Señor Mal Suerte.  He uses el bano all by lonesome.”  That’s Yonder Alonso.  Bryce Harper’s dad eyes Señor Mal Suerte, then replies to Yonder, “You can milk anything with nipples.  Even Yolmer Sanchez.”  Any hoo!  Bryce Harper finally signed with the Phillies.  Halleberrylujah!  It’s not even Easter and baseball season has already risen!  Bryce Harper returns to the City of Brotherly Love, where he first visited with the Phillies’ front office six months ago.  “We want you to be a Philadelphia Phillie.”  “I want $330 million.”  “Okay.”  Then six months later, “You’ve got a deal!”  Harper and Boras drive one hard bargain.  They accept the first deal they’re given, but nearly a half year after they’re given it.  Bryce Harper’s gonna love playing in Philly.  They have the best fans in the world.  They’ve already announced May 1st is Rain Batteries On Bryce’s Head Day.  A crowd favorite, for sure.  I don’t think this changes anything about my preseason projections for him, tee bee aitch.  I always assumed he’d end up in Philly, New York or with the White Sox, because, brucely, those were the only three teams ever serious about him.  Maybe the Giants, but let’s just be glad that didn’t happen.  In my top 20 for 2019 fantasy baseball, I kept his projections.  Only difference now will be if Gabe Kapler and Bryce’s dad get into an arm wrestling fight, and Daddy Harper wins and Bryce is randomly benched for Scott Kingery.  Also, I updated the top 80 outfielders and top 100 outfielders for Roman Quinn and Nick Williams, respectively, and my War Room has been updated.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Whole lot of reasons I never expected to be writing this schmohawk post.  I don’t usually write a top 20 starter schmohawk post, because I would never draft some of those guys, so you know how I feel about them, but this got me ruminating.  I ruminate, y’all!  And I was thinking how I would never draft Jose Ramirez, Matt Carpenter or other schmohawks this year, so why wouldn’t I write a Noah Syndergaard schmohawk post?  Just because I’m not drafting someone does not exclude them from being stamped schmohawk, it is the one requirement.  I only wish I wrote the Clayton Kershaw schmohawk post before he broke.  Man, was that shizz obvious eh-eff.  I mean, as eh-eff as eh-eff gets.  Another thing that nailed it home for me that I had to write this post was Noah Syndergaard’s current ADP:  44.  In a slow draft I’m doing right now, he went 37th!  Have you people lost your mind?  Seriously, put your medulla oblongata on the back of a milk carton, cause shizz is lost.  He’s being drafted in front of Patrick Corbin, Stephen Strasburg, Jack–Okay, he’s being drafted in front of all but 13 starters.  Clayton Kershaw is another guy who’s <biggest font the world has>still</> being drafted in an area of drafts where it makes me want to use a word that don’t mean anything like loopid.  Just because you live in your mother’s basement does not mean you need to be a cellar dweller in your fantasy league too.  C’mon, guys and five girl readers, boost up your self-esteem!  Turn to your mirror and tell yourself you’re good enough.  You don’t have a mirror because you threw it out after your last bout of self-esteem fail?  Then look at the reflection of yourself in the toilet and give yourself a pep talk!  You’re better than drafting Noah Syndergaard (and Clayton Kershaw)!  Anyway, what can we expect from Noah Syndergaard for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When I think about people saying they’re going to draft Matt Carpenter, I think of the old hypnotist’s trick.  If you’re going to draft Matt Carpenter, I want you to do this:  close your eyes and pretend to be shaking a salt shaker into your mouth.  Now, incredibly, you will taste salt.  There’s no easier schmohawk post for me than a guy who has a career year at 32 years of age or older.  On the other hand, 31 years old?  Give me some!  (Kidding, please don’t ask why 31 is okay.)  Does anyone drafting Carpenter expect to get the same again what he did last year?  I can count the guys who peak in their thirties, who are not on ‘roids, on one hand and that’s a hand of a high school wood shop teacher.  “Today, I’m going to show you how to make your mother a chair–Okay, don’t be alarmed, it only looks worse than it is.  Place my thumb in your ice-cold Fanta, and call me a Lyft.”  *blood from wound sprays teacher in his face* “Don’t give the substitute a hard time, I could be out for a few.”  So, last year Matt Carpenter went 111/36/81/.257/4, which is so goofy you can put that stat line from Carpenter on LinkedIn and get hired to don a Goofy costume at Disney World, sight unseen.  “Yo, moms, I just got hired by Disney.”  “Bravo, Salvatore!  I-a didn’t even know-a you applied.”  “I didn’t, I just wrote down Matt Carpenter’s stat line on LinkedIn.”  By the by, I wanna get a giant mastiff and name it, Salvatore Glands.  Anyway, what can we expect from Matt Carpenter for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Cougs’ brother bought a place in Jackson Hole, Wyoming; I mentioned to Cougs at one point in the last five years of marriage I skied once twenty years ago, and that’s the story of how I drafted a fantasy team falling graciously down the side of a mountain.  That’s right, ya boy went skiing this past weekend, and was drafting from a ski lift!  Thankfully, Geronimo Berroa is no longer in the league, because I might’ve ended up with him on my team because I kept screaming out his name during each round.  So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an AL Only league that was hosted by Scott White of CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than your aunt after two cocktails.  This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues.  Or closet buddies, if you’re reading fast and/or experimenting.)  Anyway, here’s my 12-team AL-Only team and some thoughts:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Imagine I wore glasses.  Don’t, but imagine I did.  Okay, sometimes I do, but usually I wear contacts.  So, I’m wearing glasses and I’m Burgess Meredith and there’s no one else in the world besides me.  I finally have time to read about sports, specifically news about the New York Yankees.  Why Yankees news?  I don’t know, but imagine it!  I’m humming New York, New York, and reading about the Yanks, when DJ LeMahieu signs with the Yankees.  Just as I’m reading where the Yankees plan on playing him, my glasses fall and shatter.  Since no one else is in this world, I’m doomed to never know where LeMahieu will play when Didi returns.  Unable to read anything again, I scream, “Giancarl-NOOOOOOOO!!!”  That’s what it feels like.  I’m in some weird Twilight Zone episode where I’m the only one who heard DJ LeMahieu signed with the Yankees.  Y’all hear about this or no?  I’d even accept, “Giancarl-no.”  Okay, assuming you people — yeah, you people! — heard about this signing, where is Gleyber Torres playing when Gregorius returns in June/July?  2nd base?  Okay, is LeMahieu never playing again?  Because, at last glance, LeMahieu stays fairly healthy.  Are you thinking Miguel Andujar is benched?  Hmm, okay, what if he’s not?  Luke Voit’s benched?  Okay, maybe, maybe not.  A giant five-man platoon for four infield spots?  I know Tulowitzki has a tattoo that reads, “Fra-jeel-lay,” but what if he’s healthy?  A six-man platoon for four spots?  Gleyber Torres is really going to get 155+ games played?  Not to answer, but to ruminate.  So, what can we expect from Gleyber Torres for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*places an order on Amazon for a megaphone, goes with the free shipping option, waits three to five days, sits outside the door for shipment, begins to rain, yells for Cougs to hand me an umbrella, shakes head annoyed when she hands me a drink umbrella, on the fifth day, the megaphone arrives, opens box, groans, heads out to CVS for some batteries for my new megaphone, buys batteries, unable to wait any longer, places batteries in megaphone while inside the CVS, grimaces at feedback, then cackles into megaphone for ten minutes straight until escorted out of the store*  I am ordering megaphones to laugh into because it’s so hilarious I am writing an overrated post for Vladimir Guerrero Jr.  Can we all agree that at least 30% of the people drafting Vlad “The Mini Impaler” are doing it because they have so much FOMO after Ronald Acuña Jr. last year?  Maybe even 50% or more are drafting Impaler Jr. due to FOMO.  Even ESPN and Yahoo are ranking Vlad for that FOMO factor.  Yo, Yahoo and ESPN, you can’t make up for Mr. Bungling Acuña last year with your ranking for VGJ this year.  You just can’t.  By the way, I wanna see a show on MTV called The FOMO Factor hosted by Ludacris, and it’s the worst show ever but everyone on the show feared it was going to be the best show.  Anyway, what can we expect from Vladimir Guerrero Jr. for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Couple of sells before the words to ring the till’s bells.  If you want an ad-free experience, click here.  Join a Razzball League, they’re filling up, but they need youse, so stop being afraid of success!  Finally, Rudy released his War Room, you need to subscribe to our tools to get it.  Not to toot Rudy’s horn — ew! — but it is what we both use in all our drafts.  I’m basically crediting it with our Tout Wars wins.  It is leaps and bounds better than our online War Room.  It is indispensable in NFBC leagues.  You can get access to the War Room via the Easter Egg hidden in the middle of the Stream-o-Nator page.  You have to subscribe, though.  Speaking of NFBC, sign up to take on Rudy or I or Ralph or MattTruss.  League’s start drafting March 4th.  Wait, there’s a more detailed intro:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What an absolute trip this offseason has been, huh?  Emphasis on ‘has been,’ and hyphenated.  And trip as in “catch one’s foot on something and stumble or fall or other Macy Gray lyrics.”  And ‘trip’ might actually be a misspelling of ‘drip.’  To recap, what an absolute drip this offseason has-been, huh?  Players have already reported and Manny Machado is only now signing and Bryce Harper still hasn’t, said the man who likes to point out the obvious.  Obvious Man continued, “I need oxygen to breathe.”  Shut up, Obvious Man!  Yesterday, the Padres signed Manny Machado to a 10-year, $300 million contract.  We should’ve seen this coming all along.  After all, San Diego is the world’s most languid city.  Also, remember all those people saying Machado would sign with the White Sox, due to Yonder Alonso signing there and being his brother-in-law?  I mean, a guy doesn’t want to be with his in-laws? No kidding!

Now Machado will be in the cozy position of hitting between Ian Kinsler and Eric Hosmer.  Does he just prefer to hit in garbage lineups?  Was Balty-more (how I say it) not bad enough for him?  What an absolute shizzshow this 1st round has become.  In the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball, I’ve moved Machado down to another tier as the 2nd tier in the top 10 becomes increasingly barren.  “Acuña or Trea Turner or die,” as my bumper sticker I’m manufacturing says.  Petco isn’t the ‘terrible’ park everyone has made it out to be in past years, i.e. Petco isn’t for the birds and is not a dog of a park or–Fill in your own damn animal pun!  It’s still makes me shudder hard at thinking of hitting in front of Hosmer, but, as previously mentioned on the aforementioned tip, hitting in the Orioles’ lineup wasn’t amazing either and Machado did fine for many years.  I did lower his projections in the top 10, and I’m now way more tentative on him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw for fantasy baseball this offseason:

PSYCH!  Before getting into the post, we have an announcement:

Razzball Introduces An Ad-Free Option

I know, I know, I know, but you love seeing ads for “Kate Hudson Beauty Secrets” that then lead you to a free Amazon gift card which is actually an Eastern European man living in Nigeria who managed to clone your DNA from your IP address and just slept with your wife using the Amazon Gift Card Clone, who goes by the name, Tommy.  I love those ads too!  They are terrific!  However, and this is going to come as a shock to some of you, there’s people who don’t appreciate the IP clone illegal download software ads that sleep with your wife.  I know, shocker!  For those people, Razzball is introducing an ad-free option.  As Rudy tells me, direct people to the Tools Subscription page and they can figure it out from there.  I have my doubts, but what better way to prove me wrong?  The ad-free subscription runs for 250 days — a Jewish calendar year! — and is only for one sport.  There is now a Log In in the top menu for people too, so if you’re a subscriber, there’s no more need to email Rudy or I asking, “Hey, I bought the subscriptions and I can’t figure out where to log in?  Is it at the log in page?”  Wait until we introduce the “Grey comes to your house and just operates your computer for you” option.  Anyway, here’s the roundup:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Before I get into our 1st schmohawk post (I’m including you, because without you there’s no me; wanna hug? I’m kidding, don’t touch me), a quick remembrance.  One loyal Razzball Reader, Simply Fred, kept a running tally of how many times I nailed my schmohawk posts.  I think at last tally I was 25 for 27 over the last five years.  Something like that.  The point is I don’t know the number, because around Christmas time of this year, we lost Simply Fred.  He passed suddenly around the holidays.  He was one of our most loyal readers, and he will be missed, especially around the time of the yearly of the schmohawk posts.  In his honor, MattTruss, who runs our Razzball Commenter Leagues, is changing the championship trophy of the ECFBL league that Simply Fred was a part of to the Fred Barker Memorial Trophy, a worthy gesture for a worthy man.  Any hoo!  Jose Ramirez is a schmohawk.  This is so freakin’ obvious to me that it almost makes me question myself, because literally no one else is saying this about Jose Ramirez.  Could I really be the only one that recognizes how obvious this is?  I feel like Queen Isabella when she used cover her giant bosoms with bras that were hand-painted with round globes and Spanish men would be like, “She ain’t flat, but the earth is, so her luscious breasts are factually incorrect.”  Thankfully, Christopher Columbus recognized the beauty of Isabella’s chest, raised his mast and sailed west.  Anyway, what can we expect from Jose Ramirez for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The best 2019 fantasy baseball team is a misnomer.  Thankfully, none of us know what misnomer means.  Sounds to me like someone tentatively wants to date the Travelocity Gnome’s daughter, “Miss Gnome, er, you wanna grab some boba and chill?”  Miss Gnome brushes back her hair and bats her eyelashes that are almost as long as her two-and-half foot body, “I’d love to,” but her voice is high-pitched, which is a turn-off, so you cancel plans with her repeatedly until she gets the hint.  Sorry, Miss Gnome, I like my women’s voices low like their stature.  Any hoo!   So the title is a bit of a superlative.  What was I gonna say, “The Mostly Kinda Good Fantasy Baseball Team?”  You’ll get over your scoffing; I have faith in you.  This is the best 2019 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2019 fantasy baseball and top 500 for 2019 fantasy baseball.  Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different, but equally terrific… Well, one of the twenty-five would only be sorta terrific, but it would be really hard to tell which one that is.  If I took Adalberto Mondesi in the 2nd round, everything after would change.  If I took Javier Baez in the 1st round, everything after would change.  I’ve previously gone over my 2019 fantasy baseball draft prep for the first few rounds and pitchers pairings.  For this exercise, I’m taking Trea Turner first, because, well, people complain I always did this post by taking Mike Trout first, so I’m switching it up, like when you combover right instead of left.  Until pick 100, I’m taking one guy somewhere in every fifteen picks.  It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted Scherzer and deGrom in the first two rounds and I was able to take Bryce Harper in the 2nd round (which is very likely), but since Treat Urner and him are in my first 14 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both.  Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken.  People tend to look at team need over value.  So for this exercise, once I get to pick #101, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks.  Finally, because there is so much latitude in the last 300, I gave myself free reign to fill up my team.  Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward.  Or reach around, if you’re feeling frisky.  It should still be my ideal team… Or not.  Let’s see, shall we?  Bee tee dubya, this team is a 12-team, 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues (go sign up).  Anyway, here’s the best 2019 fantasy baseball team:

Please, blog, may I have some more?