“Hey, Stream-o-Nator, I have a surprise for you.” The Stream-o-Nator backs up slightly, unsure of what I’m going to do to its tender robot heart. The Stream-o-Nator was born in a scrapyard run by Steven Avery’s family. Not the Making a Murderer guy, the ex-Braves pitcher. The story of how it got separated from its family is similar to Sophie’s Choice, but sadder and involves more heavy metal. Suffice it to say, the Stream-o-Nator is longing for any connection, electrical or otherwise. This brings us to yesterday’s matchup and why I sought the Stream-o-Nator. Gently approaching the 8-foot robot, “It’s a good surprise. I wanna be your friend.” The Stream-o-Nator swoons, playing Just The Two Of Us on its chest-implanted boombox. Perhaps my friendship is simply what have you done for me lately, but Andrew Heaney was enough for me to be bothered with late-night phone calls when the robot is feeling blue Raspberry Pi. Heaney went 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.98. (Reynaldo Lopez wasn’t bad either — 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.22). For this year, due to how few starts are left, I’m looking at the Stream-o-Nator for every start, and it loves Heaney for his next start. “I’m here for you robot pal. C’mon, high-five me!” Stream-o-Nator’s arm falls off and it sighs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
How does Franmil Reyes have such quick hand-eye coordination for a big guy? Of course, it’s due to his 20/20 over 20/20 vision. Franmil’s two-upping your vision! Franmil Reyes isn’t just a big-time power hitter, he’s also the winner of the 1st Annual Kyle Blanks Look-A-Like Pageant. You might remember Franmil’s now famous answer to the question, “California is going through a world-record drought, what would you do to solve this dilemma if you had one afternoon to spend with your doppelgänger, Kyle Blanks?” Franmil took his time, then answered, “I’d go to the tallest peak in the Rockies with Mr. Blanks and we’d make snow angels, melting more snowflakes than Fox News and that water would roll into California. I.e., This is my Fran-friction!” I lifted myself from my Furby beanbag and cheered in my man cave. Bless you, Franmil! Bless you, child! Also bless his power. His batting average will come down some with a larger sample size, but there is no larger sample size than this 7-foot, 450-pound behemoth when it comes to dongs. Sounded better in my head! If you need power, I’d grab Franmil in all leagues. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Francisco Mejia is quick to the ball, boy, oh, boy. I watched his 1st career home run at-bat yesterday because there was only four games last night for the MLB because they went about the start of the fantasy football season like this: Picture the scene in Braveheart when they moon the other side, then charge at them. Okay, picturing Mel Gibson’s anti-semitic ass? Good, now after the mooning, imagine instead of charging, they high-tailed it the eff out of there. That was MLB last night. “We ain’t even got time for a white flag, we’re going home to watch football!” By the way, one more Braveheart note, was mooning really common of William Wallace and in the 1300s? *Googles first known mooning in history* Wow, Wikipedia says, “In 80 AD, Flavius Josephus recorded the first known incident of mooning.” Yo, yo, yo, it’s Flava Flavius! And I’m here to show you my big white ass! Any hoo! Francisco Mejia is going to be all over my cheap catcher radar in 2019. Really hoping Austin Hedges gets traded, because time shares suck — except when they’re giving out $20 in free casino chips to just look at one! — and I don’t want Hedges muckety-mucking up my Mejia mmm muah! (Say that fast 117 times!) Yesterday, Mejia hit his 1st career homer, then, in his next at-bat, hit his 2nd career homer, going 2-for-4 with 4 RBIs. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and, for this year, he’s in a platoon, but you know my cyclops has got that monocle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Everyone is so sad at the Shohei Ohtani news that he needs Tommy John surgery. People being sad at this has me gobsmacked. He had elbow problems when he signed with the Angels, then a Grade 1 sprain of his UCL became a partial tear in June. He threw a whopping 25 IP the previous year. Were people really ostrich’ing their heads into the sand to the point where they didn’t see the writing on the wall? Of course, he needs Tommy John surgery. How is this awful news? It was awful news for Angels fans when we first heard of the elbow issues. It’s not awful news now. It’s actually great news because he has a chance to be healthy again in 2020, instead of becoming Garrett Richards, Tyler Skaggs, Matt Shoemaker and every other pitcher the Angels shoved towards PRP injections rather than getting them healthy. Did people really think pitching a guy was the answer to a torn UCL? Seriously, people thought this? Sad news that people are surprised by the least surprising thing since finding out taco diarrhea burns. This would be like a memo coming out of Nike headquarters that says something like, “This Kaepernick thing is great for business, who cares about the politics?” You mean a company is trying to sell products? Get out of here! You want seriously sad news? Ohtani and the Angels haven’t decided he will have Tommy John surgery yet. That’s sad! Maybe they’ll just let him be a hitter as he was yesterday (4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (17, 18) and legs (7) and mouth-to-mouth’d a baby chick back to life). A torn UCL hasn’t looked that good since LiAngelo Ball tried to get paid twice from selling one ripped jersey in China. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“That guy does not look familiar.” “Which guy?” “That guy on the mound.” “The Wade Miley fella?” “Yeah.” “Did he used to serve us coffee at The Blue Danube?” “I don’t think so. That guy’s name was Ronnie. And he had dreads.” “But he was white.” “Yeah, Ronnie was a white guy with dreads. He looked like he had a smelly undercarriage.” “I don’t disagree. So… This guy… This Wade Miley guy… He just looks so unfamiliar. He just threw a 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks start against the Cubs with a 2.12 ERA. Do you know him?” “No, but ever since we were talking about a white guy with dreads I’ve wanted to sing Informer by Snow.” Wade Miley as an ace and Bumble profiles that read, “5′ 7″, 120 lbs., fitness model who loves cooking and cleaning and sex” are often very similar. Expectations and reality don’t always run hand in hand. Before picking up Miley, do me one favor. Ask Edwin Jackson owners how the experience was owning him. Though since they’re probably your competition they may lie to you. Those bastards! Maybe you can ask Jackson yourself since he’s probably on waivers. Can Miley be lights out? I suppose, there’s not much time left, but there’s nothing jumping out that says he’s suddenly a Cy Young contender. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The September roster expansion this year was a bit of a dud. No Eloy Jimenez and no Vladimir Guerrero Jr. It’s too bad what’s best for baseball and these young players is not what is also best for their teams. Their rewards and our rewards are not aligned. It’s like going into the supermarket for pluots and they tell you, “It’s pluot season. Pluots are best this time of year. You want to eat dem pluots now so they slobber down your chin like you’re a human St. Bernard. So, we’re putting our pluots into liquid nitrogen to freeze them until mid-April of next year, and we will serve you pluots once their service time allows us to keep them an extra year.” However, the Nationals are working on a different schedule apparently because they are calling up Victor Robles, i.e., to the Victor goes the spoiled pluots. Where will Victor Robles play? Haven’t a clue, Colonel Mustard. Bryce Harper (1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer yesterday) goes to right and Robles plays center while Adam’s Eaton the pine? Adam’s Eaton up time while Bryce goes to the bench because the Nationals know Harper is not in their future plans? Robles just plays periodically unless something goes completely sideways and the Nats will pass ‘o Robles. On Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects, Robles is about as high a player can be who isn’t A) Not being called up this year. B) Not already called up. C) There’s no C. To give you an idea of Robles’ profile, think Starling Marte without knowing his upside. I will call you No Ceiling Marte. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Real baseball is weird. Real sportswriters are even weirder. From Sportsnet.ca, “Donaldson trade marks abrupt split from Blue Jays after promising start.” Abrupt? Maybe I’m just heartless, but why would the Blue Jays be salty about getting rid of Josh Donaldson? If he would’ve stayed with the club, he could’ve opted into a $18 million contract and been back next year in Toronto insanely overpaid and blocking Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Then, from Sportsnet.ca, “But trading the star third baseman and cash to the Cleveland Indians, who visit Toronto next week, of all places? Even the New York Yankees would have been a more palatable destination.” I’m sorry, what? Why are the Indians worse than the Yankees? Because Edwin is there? Because the Jays’ GM used to be in Cleveland? Is this just bad writing? Or is real baseball just odd. I seriously have no idea. Elsewhere, other sportswriters were talking about what a great move this was. No wonder people come here and get floored when I say something about a guy like Josh Donaldson being overrated. They’re being lied to everywhere else. This was not a great move by the Indians. Donaldson can’t stay healthy and has no place to play. Maybe he can give them a solid at-bat off the bench, but Curtis Granderson might’ve been able to do that too. Don’t worry, will get to him and all the other September roster news. As they say at gang initiation, after the jump. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You remember in Austin Powers when he gets his golf cart stuck in the tunnel and tries to make a u-turn and just goes back and forth unable to turn. That’s how I feel going between Tyler White and Tyler O’Neill. “Tyler O’Neill just homered…” *backs up golf cart* “Tyler White just homered…” *reverses golf cart* “O’Neill now!” *tries to turn wheel* “White does it again!” *gets out of golf cart and tries to move it manually, but have overestimated strength* “O’Neill with a round tripper!” *sighs, gets back in golf cart and checks Facebook menchies, overcome with helplessness of decisions* I do not know which Tyler I would go with anymore. Every day this week it has switched, sometimes it’s switched in the same day. Tyler White is top four slugging percentage in the majors leagues when sorting by 100 plate appearances, but just as soon as you say that Tyler O’Neill will go and do something. White is likely in a platoon, but when Ozuna returns, O’Neill will have same problems. I’d own both, but White is my favorite…*sees O’Neill hit a homer, reverses golf cart* Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Been extremely hesitant about mentioning Luke Voit (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer), because I really don’t think much of him. He had a few good games that were amplified to 11 because of New York. So crazy to me that a guy like Voit is amplified to 11, mean’s while, Miguel Andujar has a huge rookie year and it’s crickets. Racist crickets, prolly. Throwing shade like a lamp! Voit will be in this afternoon’s buy column, but it’s going to be begrudgingly. He feels like he’s a hot streak from Matt Adams-type that will disappear in a few games. What’s Voit’s body type? I’m trying to fit a once-round peg into a recently-skinny hole. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Christian Yelich hit for the cycle, going 6-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .319. Yelich has been sexier than that random porn that was released of him. Speaking of porn (always a great intro to a sentence), you know you have a cougar problem when…True story, I woke up yesterday morning and Googled to see if there ever was a movie made called, Call Me By Your Ma’am with Kimothee ChalaMILF. That feels like too much information, but I trust you with everything, except any identifying details about me in real life. Any hoo! Yelich! Are you kidding me? Keyword is kidding, because he looks like he’s 12. Yo, you super pre-teen? You in Stranger Things? We’re at the point now when I’m starting to think about 2019, and Yelich, well, is there any way he’s not top 20? Yelich or Springer? Gotta be Yelich, right? Yelich or Bregman? Okay, tough call, but damn close. He’s definitely better than Kimothee ChalaMILF! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?