Five Knocks In Phoenix

Yesterday, the DBags showed why they might be the most feared offense in baseball. The bottom of their lineup is better than the Dodgers’ bottom. Their top is better than the Yanks’ top. This is not just hyperbole. I did a stats search. Look at the big brain on Grey! They lead MLB in runs, are 2nd in AVG and 3rd in HRs. Leading the charge (or was it a block?), Ketel Marte (3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 31st homer. First hit since his return from the IL and it was a humdinger! Wait, that’s better to describe Semien’s dong. Moving on! Randal Grichuk (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 9th homer. He always follows one homer with another soon thereafter. I know it doesn’t track logically because it would mean as soon as he homers once, he never stops, but don’t come at me with logic, bro. Next up, Adrian Del Castillo (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) and his 4th homer, as he hits .293. Sadly, he can’t catch to save his life. Thankfully, the DBags jumped out to such an insane lead early that the Rangers couldn’t capitalize on the basepaths. A sad, but perhaps illuminating statement. Things that make you go hmm…You know who really makes me go hmm? (Finally, Grey gets to the point.) Eugenio Suarez (4-for-4, 4 runs) hit his 26th and 27th homer. Eugenio Suarez is a top 3 hitter since the All-Star Break. Insanez. If you were an Eugenius, you traded for him on June 30th. If you did though, your leaguemates might burn you at the stake for being a witch. Anyone near you with a “Burning Witches” stake? No? Good, for the best! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Merrill Kelly – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.26, and left in the 5th inning with a cramp. Take a Midol and stay in for one more inning to get the win!

Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Semien + my stupidity = Dong babies. They’re little dongs with nighty-night caps and nappies. I won’t explain further.

Cody Bradford – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.97. As previously said, don’t come for the DBags. They will hurt you. Streamonator likes Cody’s next a skosh and I’m fine with it.

Jacob deGrom – Bochy said he expects Rocker and deGrom to go 5 IP in their debuts. Take anything a manager says with a grain salt and road to a 4 1/3 IP start is paved with good intentions.

Bowden Francis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 1 K, ERA at 3.50. One hit, one walk, one K? What’s that, trip aces? Makes sense, Bowden Francis is acting like three aces in one. For the 2nd time in four starts, Bowden Francis gives up a homer leading off the 9th to lose no-hitter. If you’re asking about starting Bowden in any matchups, you might not be paying attention to what’s going on or you have a few crackers in the ol’ cabeza.

Chad Green – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.05. Surprised he even got two outs, tee bee aitch. If John Schneider said point blank, I’m trying to get Green right for the offseason, I’d have more respect for him. Right now, he’s just sending a guy, who clearly is broken, out to be more broken, repeatedly.

Sean Manaea – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Be very careful about reading too many narratives about how Manaea became an ace. People are pushing that. He’s been solid, and I’d rock him on all teams, don’t get me wrong. He has not been as good as his ERA is saying.

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer. Well, sure, he got to face a pitcher, who was throwing a no-hitter, but who was tired and clearly should’ve been pulled from the game. [dodges tomato] I was kidding! [tomato smacks into face]

Francisco Alvarez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’s missed a bunch of time, but he’s still been wildly disappointing. Should have at least twice as many homers. Yes, I’m your father. Do better!

Matthew Boyd – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.18. I like the Ks, so Flavor Flav is right “Yeah, Boyd!” but this was vs. the Shite Sux, so you kinda expect two more outs and that sweet win nectar.

Casey Mize – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.47. Whatever the Tigers did with Skubal did not take with Mize.

Trey Sweeney – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and trey time I’m mentioning Trey in a week, and he will be in Friday’s Buy, which is already available on the Patreon.

Riley Greene – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Was trying to move away from Riley on my teams, because I need steals, but Riley has been hot, such is life.

Shane Baz – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Rays put an Opener in front of their starters, and made them all five-inning pitchers, then took away the Openers. I don’t love the Opener, but put them in front of everyone again.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. He should’ve crossed the plate and did the D-Generation crotch chop to Uceta.

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Arguably the first or 2nd best starter in baseball and he can barely go six innings at home vs. a mediocre team.

CJ Abrams – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Corange Juice is currently the season’s worst 20/20 season, but Gelof’s coming for his title.

Jake Irvin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.19. If you started him, your pants grapes are bigger and perhaps riper than mine.

Reynaldo Lopez – Hit the IL with a shoulder issue. MRI showed no structural damage. The MRI did drop him from its team though.

Max Fried – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.46. 6:0 K:BB is good right? [silence that is so deafening it could drive a person insane] …right?

Michael Massey – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer. Was looking at guys on waivers for steals and saw Massey, and was like, “Ooh, he’s an MI, how many steals does he have?” And manually moved my eyes to the right and saw one. I checked two other sources because that seemed wrong. One steal? From an MI? Hey, are you Daniel Vogelbach?

Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Yankees finally got to see a decent Cole.

Luis Gil – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Impressive that he’s still throwing innings. Sadly, he won’t be able to lift his arm from November to June of next year, but impressive, nevertheless.

Juan Soto – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 39th homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper is having an MVP year. An easy one. Also, won’t finish anywhere near 1st or 2nd place.

Hunter Brown – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.59. Saw his name as H. Brown in the box score and I was like, “Hash Brown? I need a break fast from whatever he’s doing!” Then I howled, which turned to sobs. He got beat by Kyle McCann. I didn’t even know there was a Kyle McCann! Is that James’s son?

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. Hey, I bought off eBay a pulled string from Curt Schilling’s bloody sock. I’ll show you it smells like ketchup. It’s over by this open window–NOOOOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Tommy Edman – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, and four homers now in two days. Okay, we get it, you’re hot. Geez.

Bobby Miller – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.17. Drafted as a number one, but turned out to be more of a number two. Only not a number two as in a pitcher.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (47) and legs (48). It’s truly remarkable that he’s able to do this day in and day out. He’s basically Babe Ruth calling his shot, but he’s calling a home run and a steal every day. How long until we hear MLB is giving Ohtani bouncy balls?

Will Smith – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .245. On the Player Rater, he’s the 6th best catcher, and he’s gonna need to get hot to come close to the top five with no chance for the top four, i.e., Will Smith’s in his not very good Hancock era.

Max Muncy – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games and almost had four homers in that time, but had one robbed. Freakin’ smash and grabbers!

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Like Randy Newman, Cody loves Los Angeles.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Seiya ball!

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer, 3rd homer in three games. Let’s just move on, before we say something nice, he reads it and pulls an oblique.

Dean Kremer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.10 vs. Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Thinking about the person who started Pivetta and Kremer in a H2H league for s’s and g’s and got those two starts and now I’m crying into a bowl to eat later as soup.

Anthony Santander – 1-for-3 and 41st homer. Ya know who he is? What you thought you were getting from freakin’ Matt Olson! ‘Member that schmohawk?

Matt Wallner – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, 2nd in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Zebby Matthews – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 7.11. His ERA is also where he’s gonna be working if he doesn’t fix himself. I like Zebby, in general, but you can’t start him anywhere anymore.

Taylor Ward – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, 2nd homer in a week, and, along with Neto, the one brought spot in Anaheim. And, yes, I’m not forgetting…

Nolan Schanuel – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (13) and legs (6). Somehow, I drafted Schanuel in a few leagues and he will bore you to crickets. Is that an expression? It sounds like it. Schanuel isn’t worth a two-second google.

Bailey Falter – 7 1/3 IP, 2 hits, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Streamonator liked this start, and I wish I were a dirtier boy and had started him. He had no command, but, like a sloppy Italian, the meatballs were off the plate and the Marlins looked feeble.

David Bednar – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.92, and nearly gave away the game that they asked him to try to save and Beeks had to bail him out. TL;DR: Shit-the-Bednar still ain’t right.

Jared Triolo – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer. He hit that one off Bermudez, Bahama, c’mon pretty mama…

Jonathan Bermudez – 2 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 8.10. This guy has a wild bio. It says Jonathan Livingston Seagull mated with Amelia Earhart in the Bermuda triangle, after Jonathan sent her a message to “Send mudez,” and that son was retrieved (scouted?) by Byron Buxton after he hit the Twins’ 16-homer-IL because there’s no time in the Bermudez Triangle. Could this be true?