As oft-misheard lyric is, “Eddie, are you okay? Are you okay, Eddie?” For those millennials who are reading, misheard lyrics were lyrics you thought you were hearing in songs before you could just Google, “[song name] lyrics.” For 25 years, people went around singing, “I can see clearly now Lorraine is gone,” and were just happy to be rid of Lorraine! R.E.M.’s It’s the End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fine) was just a chorus and four minutes of jumbled words, and that…sounded…fine! So, is Eddie Rosario okay, or is he just okay Eddie? Yesterday, Rosario went 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 17th homer as he hits over .400 in the last week. Some notes about Eddie: he’s gone hitless in only two games in August; has five steals to go with the 17 homers; is hitting .303; has a .209 ISO which is tied for 56th in baseball; and now hits at the top of the order. He should be grabbed in all leagues, and, I’m moving close to him becoming my 2018’s Max Kepler. *inhales deeply* Ah, the sweet smell of embarrassment. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Open Up and Buy AH, because owning Aaron Hicks is Nothin’ But A Good Time! Also, a good time is searching any girl’s name from Rock of Love with your parental controls turned off. Okay, I have a few Bee Tee Dubs here. Unless you have a child, you don’t set parental controls on your TV. You can filter what you see without magically stumbling on porn. The internet though? You need parental controls on it, no matter if you’re home, at work, 12 years old, 64 years old, at school or on the john. You can Google something as innocuous as “cucumber” with no parental controls and all hell breaks loose in your search results. “Oh em gee, I just wanted a recipe for a cucumber salad!” Bee tee dubya II, we’re due for a terrible 80’s hair band renaissance. Someone needs to do a cover of a Poison song. Bee tee dubya III, there is no bee tee dubya III. Bee tee dubya IV, I have this nugget in my brain that says, even though I was only 14 years old, I knew how awful Poison was at the time. Like, when they did Your Mama Don’t Dance, a big part of me knew they were absolutely terrible, even then. Any hoo! Hey, any hoo’s initials are Aaron Hicks. Coinkydink? Thinks not. He’s on a 162-game pace of 25 HRs, 15 SBs and a .280 average. Of course, that doesn’t matter. We just want a hot player at this point, and, on our 7-day Player Rater, he’s near top 75, and should be owned everywhere. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Phillip Ervin went 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd home run and 2nd in as many games. This blew my mind: there was no mention of Phillip Ervin on this site since 2014, when then-prospector Scott Evans said, “We’ll have a much better feel for (Ervin) after he’s had a chance to settle in at a full-season assignment, but on the surface, Ervin looks like a potential 20/20 outfielder who’ll also help in AVG and OBP. I hope Grey reads this in three years…IN HELL!” Damn, some animosity there. Now, the real puzzler maker, as they say in the Haus of Rubik, Prospector Ralph hasn’t spoken about Ervin once. So, I took it up with Endorphin Ralph on text, and he said, “He’s a 25-year-old, slugging fourth outfielder that’s Quad-A. RUSNEY IS BETTER!!!” So, Ervin’s a former 1st rounder, who might not be anything, due to weak contact he makes too often. In Triple-A, he did have 7 HRs and 23 SBs with a .256 average. He might just be a schmotato, that cools off and vanishes, but a speed/power combo plays in fantasy if he plays, which he is. Better than Rusney Castillo? WE SHALL SEE. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
On the ones and twos, it’s not DJ Khaled, with a cigar in his baby’s mouth, dropping another one in a major key. It’s yo’ boy, DJ LeMahieu (4-for-5, 4 runs, 1 RBI), the French-sounding EDM mixmaster, spinning his wheels around the bases. Yo, DJ LeMahieu, what you got to say about that? “Pouvez-vous chicken francaise?” Yo, you sound like me pretending to be French! Next up throwing down, it’s Mark Reynolds (3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer), the man, the myth, the Mini Donkey. All brays to you! Then how about Trevor Story (3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homers) finding his way into back-to-back home run games, like succinylcholine finds its way into back-to-back Forensic Files. Then there’s Carlos Gonzalez…Actually, you still suck! So, the Rockies, scored (fill-in-number, too high to count) last night, and Jon Gray did all he had to do — 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, which in Coors is all you can ask. His peripherals are gorgeous — 8.6 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 3.59 xFIP, but something I failed to remember this past preseason, it’s still a struggle to start him in Coors. I mean, shizz gets ugly fast like a reality TV person at a reunion show. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Allow me to paint a visual metaphor. A vetaphor. The entire league’s pitching is cornered on the grounds of a wildlife preserve. A tiger, we’ll call him Blister, stalks towards the league’s pitching. There’s no way out, but the league attempts to urinate on Blister to keep him away. Then, out of nowhere, Nat Gio, dressed as Lord Beasley, a world famous butterfly collector from Gilligan’s Island, rides his Eddie Bauer jeep into Blister’s den, and befriends the beast, saying, “I slay pussy,” then off everyone’s look, “…cats.” Yesterday, Gio Gonzalez had yet another great start — 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.49. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when Gio hears people talking about the new baseball and how offense is up. Maybe he’s the one pitcher who likes a tightly-sewn baseball. Up until this year, he must’ve been like, “Geez, is this ball going to unravel when I throw it?” Of course, his outlook for 2018 fantasy doesn’t look anywhere near as optimistic. Besides his ERA, there’s nothing promising in his peripherals. He has left 85.7% of men on base. That’s more than a wife with a headache. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Between Cody Bellinger, Aaron Judge, Rafael Devers, Andrew Benintendi, Ozzie Albies, Amed Rosario, Rhys Hoskins and Yoan Moncada baseball is staying at a Renaissance Hotel. “Is that a Cal Ripken mint rookie card under my pillow and a Beckett Baseball Card Guide in the side table? What a great hotel!” That’s me staying at a baseball-themed Renaissance Hotel. Oh, and this is barely touching a majority of Ralph’s top 100 fantasy baseball prospects. By the way, I Googled top 100 baseball rookies from the preseason, and Baseball America had Dansby Swanson, Josh Bell, Tyler Glasnow, Jharel Cotton, Jose De Leon, Robert Gsellman and Albert Almora in the top 10. (Judge was 12th, Bellinger 19th and Ben Grieve 5th. Okay, not Grieve, but you get the drift.) Rookies are a crapshoot, but baseball ate some beans and is shooting crap! (That sounded better in my head.) Yesterday, Rafael Devers hit his 5th and 6th homers, coming in only his 16th game, as he hits .339. He’s only 20 years old!!! Triple exclamation marks due to sticky keyboard because of Giancarlo, my apologies. If I had the time or motivation, I’d go back to the comments from people who said within three days of Devers’ call-up that he’s overmatched. Yo, I think you might want to hold back your hot takes for a minute. For 2018, Devers or Benintendi? Okay, I’m gonna hold back my own hot takes, but you’re seriously considering the guy who’s only been up for two-plus weeks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Saturday night, Bryce Harper lunged for first base, slipped and his leg went the wrong direction. Like two white guys meeting, one goes for the handshake and one goes for the hug and it just goes awkwardly wrong in every way. Atticus Finch had much more success stepping on his white base. Owning Harper on multiple teams, I looked at the latest news Saturday night, and I saw:
Oh my God it already says Bryce Harper Was OF. PAST TENSE! pic.twitter.com/bQ3sKPNQjF
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 13, 2017
Devastated. Crushed. C’mon, thesaurus, give me another one. Thankfully, it was revealed as the best possible outcome for him, a bone bruise. Still, not a great outcome for us with him on our fantasy teams, since he will be out for the better part of the rest of the season. Don’t worry, I have Jose Pirela! *sticks head in oven, puts on The Bell Jar book on tape* Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
First, a story. There was a young boy named Donkey Dong Jr. who worked at the barrel station of Niagara Falls. He would rent barrels to tourists who wanted to go over the waterfalls in a barrel that was deemed to flimsy to hold wine in Napa Valley. Then, one day, Robert Juiced Manfred showed up at his barrel station with a truck filled with baseballs that he was bringing back over the border from Guatemala. See, he drove north from Guatemala, and Waze had him detour through Canada and back into the U.S.–Nevertheless! R.J. Manfred stopped for some pop, and Donkey Dong Jr. said, “You’ve come to the right place,” and grabbed a barrel with his hands, swung it as hard as he could and hit every baseball in that truck 5,000 feet right back to Guatemala. For pop, Donkey Dong Jr. said, “I love to barrel up.” Fin. So, Joey Gallo was the lead buy in an April Buy column. Don’t like to double up on guys in a year, but here we are because you people are slow as molasses dripping down Robert De Niro’s face in Awakenings. Gallo has 50-homer power, and is currently in some kind of zone not seen since McGwire stopped sticking needles into pre-peach-tinted Sammy Sosa. How is he not owned in 50% of leagues? Don’t answer, grab him! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Mets continue to move towards the future, promoting their top first base prospect, Dominic Smith. They are cautiously optimistic. Adverbly restrained because the last time they were unbridled in their enthusiasm, it was about this great deal Bernie Madoff was telling them about. Okay, let’s think back to a less cynical time. When the birds chirped, and they made you smile. When your dad carried you on his shoulders, and you were on top of the world. When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab. People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75. A time of joy. Wonder. No Splenda. So, what can we expect from Dominic Smith? Did someone say ‘no Splenda?’ Well, it wasn’t my words (it was)! Smith looks like a 17-20 homer guy with a solid average and even better OBP. Might be a better real life player than a fantasy one. I’d take a flyer everywhere to see what he does if you need average first, which was the original America First slogan. Average First! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Phils’ manager, Pete Macktheknife, said, “Everybody wants to see (Rhy Hoskins‘) bat but Tommy Joseph has done well enough where there’s enough games left for him to show even more improvement. It’s hard. You don’t want to put Tommy Joseph on the bench so maybe (having Hoskins play outfield) is a way to do it.” Hey, quick question, anyone got a participation trophy for Joseph? Sounds like he could really use one! “I accept this participation trophy on behalf of all the players who are at positions where the club has a better prospect in the minors, but is too cheap to promote them. Especially to my runner-up, Shin-Soo, way to keep down Willie Calhoun!” A bunch of prospblockers, the lot of you! Don’t even get me started on the absolute craziness that you risk putting your top prospect in left field just to keep playing Tommy Joseph. Hoskins should be okay out there, but there’s a ton more risk with injuries in left field than standing on 1st. I grabbed Hoskins in all leagues. He was top 30 for Prospector Ralph’s top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, and might be the last big name to come up that can make a difference. For this year, I’d say Hoskins = Mark Reynolds with way fewer Ks. Long term, well, I won’t say Votto, but his OBP is insane for a kid. Scouts call players kids, did I sound like a scout? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?