Pirates, much like Adam Levine, love themselves some booty. Booty, however, like the philospher Immanuel Kant once said, “Comes in different shapes and sizes.” Kevin Newman is one type of booty; a treasure chest you dig up in a backyard that is actually just a whole roasted pig your Hawaiian neighbors buried is another type of booty; the entire Pirates’ pitching staff is one type of booty; Rodolfo Castro is another type of booty. Cole Tucker dating Vanessa Hudgens is actually all types of booty rolled up into one. Her, good booty; him, bad booty; them together; a booty of surprising complexity. So, is Rodolfo Castro really just about being hot right now? Yes, you hundred-percent ding-dong! There’s only, like, twelve days left. I’m not talking about what he can do in a keeper or for 2023 fantasy. Do I think Rodolfo Castro has any hope in the big picture? Meh, Castro’s got too many red flags. All of them have a hammer and sickle too. Grab him now for now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:


Yan Gomes – You know it’s the end of the season when I’m out here telling you to grab Yan Gomes. Can’t even properly remember the Great Lakes with Gomes, yet here we are!

Jonah Heim – From SuperBad to SuperGood, Jonah Heim was kinda neither, but he’s been SuperRosterable.

Carlos Santana – “This is one we haven’t seen yet in 2023. The Angels have moved their entire outfield right behind the 2nd baseman to try to stop the .405-hitting Carlos Santana from getting yet another single…But that leaves open the entire left side of the outfield for Carlos to get his 48th inside-the-park homer this year, and his 60th homer on the year. Just as Aaron Judge cleansed the home run record, they’ve ruined it yet again.” That’s next year when there’s no more shift.

Daniel Vogelbach – This guy’s bat has been hot and he looks like a keg with legs, what’s not to like?

Kerry Carpenter – Nothing gets me down like rainy days and Mondays, nothing gets me up like Carpenter’s homers.

Seth Brown – Once the season is over, I’ll go over the top 20 at each position and top 40 at outfield and starters, and right now Seth Brown is battling it out with Yandy Diaz for the 20th spot out of 1st basemen on the Player Rater. *bites nails* Eek, who is going to do it?!

Nick Gordon – “Hey, turn this up for my brother.” Nick Gordon when he hears The Doors’ People Are Strange on the radio.

Tony Kemp – If you drafted this year by only grabbing guys you could carry, you’d be stacked with Nick Gordon, Triston McKenzie and Tony Kemp. Stacked all neatly on your lap.

Oswaldo Cabrera – It’s illustrative of everything you need to know about September fantasy baseball that Oswaldo Cabrera has been solid and worth rostering, but not so much Oswald Peraza, even though in the big picture Peraza is almost guaranteed to be better.

Gunnar Henderson – Real question: Gunnar or Oneil Cruz next year? I’m not sure, but I know I want both.

Elvis Andrus – This comes with the big caveat that if at least three people are paying attention in your league, Andrus isn’t available. Luis Rengifo is also supposedly pickupable (totally a word!), but I have my doubts. Dressed like a nun, I am Meryl Streep recreating the movie Doubt but about these ownership numbers.

Ezequiel Tovar – Just gave you my Ezequiel Tovar fantasy. It was written on the backside of a treasure map.

Yoan Moncada – I was about to say Moncada is doing well for a while, but looked at the 30-day Player Rater, and, well, Larry David meh face, he’s been okay. Moncada has been better than that LD meh face over the last week, so I would grab him. Will be interesting to see where Moncada’s drafted next year. Kidding. No, it won’t. Literally can’t think of a less interesting thing. He’ll be projected for 15/3/.240 and ranked around 300th overall and I will put up some deuces when you ask about him for a bounce back.

Gio Urshela – This guy’s stats school Moncada’s, must be why he abbreviates his name Gio U.

Oscar Gonzalez – So this is kinda irrelevant for this week — for this week: He’s hot, that’s all you need to know — but the irrelevant bit is Gonzalez doesn’t strike out much and hits for average, just as he’s done since 2015 in the minors, which makes it even more inconceivable — inconceivable! — that he wasn’t promoted until this year. He’s basically been a 20-homer, .280 hitter for the last eight years, but is a rookie because. Dot dot dot. Question mark. Ted Knight yelling, “Well?!”

Bryan De La Cruz – Abbreviating his name BDLC and that sounds like someone simultaneously getting a BLT and stroke.

Mark Mathias – Want one name of a guy who will be included in this Buy who by this time next year you won’t even recall if he was a baseball player or a guy you want to high school with? Look no further!

Yonathan Daza – Not to be confused with Yonny Daza, who is the star of the Venezuelan remake, Who’s the Jefe?

Jose Siri – Just gave you my Jose Siri fantasy. It was written while arguing with my iPhone.

Robbie Grossman – If you don’t pick up Grossman while singing Eazy E’s Dopeman, then we are not the same. Thankfully, because I ain’t trying to do a 23-year-bid, due to our DNA being the same.

Davis Martin – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Yankee Stadium to speak to Aaron Judge.

Reid Detmers – This is also a Streamonator call. “If the person who caught your 62nd homer doesn’t want to return it, I can rip their arm off while they grasp the baseball to return to you. All I want in return is friendship.”

Domingo Acevedo – Thinking about having my season come down to hoping the A’s have a save opportunity, then rooting for Acevedo. Kind of scenario the Fantasy Baseball Overlord thinks about as he laughs himself to sleep.

Pete Fairbanks – Ya know who Pete Fairbanks sounds like? A 1950s actor, who time traveled here, and to try to fit in he changed his name from Peter to Pete.

Jose Leclerc – Too bad the season is ending, it would’ve been fun to see who the Rangers randomly named their closer next month. “Matt Bush, it’s your turn to shine!” “Um, coach, I’m now on the Brewers.” “Can you commute, in case of a lead?”

Rafael Montero – Not only Montero, but think about James Karinchak, Adam Ottavino and anyone else who might be used in the final week for saves, so teams going to the playoffs can rest their closers. Kinda crazy James Karinchak isn’t just rostered everywhere with how good he’s been. *holds up bottle of shampoo* This Karinchak buy is brought to you by L’oreal, the shampoo most likely to bring an unnatural sheen to your hair.


Everyone – Stop looking for an “everyone” on your fantasy team. Everyone isn’t a person, it’s everyone. Keanu, “Whoa.” You can’t wait for some phantom hot streak that may or may not come. I’d drop everyone this final week-plus if they’re not performing. This is also a drop for all starting pitchers on any teams that have already made the playoffs and might only see a few innings in the next week. In general, I can’t imagine any playoff-bound starter getting more than five innings. When I see Justin Verlander only throwing, like, 70 pitches, I know we’re in uncharted territory for trying to rest starters. This uncharted territory on maps is named: Even-Dusty-Baker-Is-Pulling-Starters-After-70-Pitches-Land. It’s between the Arabian Sea and Halftheteamshavenocloseristan. There’s no time to wait! You need to do whatever it takes to win your league! Don’t be afraid of success! Be the hero you always dreamt yourself to be! Be a bright, shining star who is able to win a fantasy baseball league! Be the man you see when you look in the reflection of your computer screen while your fantasy team page is loading!