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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)
This week, instead of going to the 7-day Player Rater, and just grabbing guys who have been hot, I’m going to let the computer pick. “Siri, being a computer, you’re smarter than me, so I don’t even have to say what I’m going to ask for, right? You must know.”
“I do know, Grey. There are fifteen Etsy sellers who make full-body pillows in the shape and spirit of Giancarlo Stanton. Would you like me to purchase one for you?”
“Uhh…Haha, no. Please grab me the top pickup in fantasy baseball, Siri.”
“At 2% rostered, Jose Siri is the top Siri in fantasy baseball.”
“Okay, Siri, great, but are you giving me Siri because he’s a Siri and you’re a Siri? I don’t need a Siri, per se.”
“Excuse me, but you are the one who asked me.”
“I’m asking you, Siri, but not for a Siri.”
“Have you tried Alexa?”
“Fine, Siri! Give me Jose Siri.”
“Are you sure? I could just give you that seller’s information about the full-body pillow.”
“Siri, are you playing games with me?”
“No, of course not. Though, Jose Siri would love to play games with you. He’s toolsy as all get-out. Capable of big-time power, speed and has been playing a lot for Kevin Cash. Of course, you can’t ever expect Kevin Cash to play a guy every day. Would you like me to find a way to replace Kevin Cash?”
“What? No! …But, if you were, how traceable is it?”
“There’s just one replacement in your area named Joe Maddon.”
“No! Let’s go back to full-body pillows. Just to, ya know, browse.” Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Cal Raleigh – *wearing a giant ten-gallon hat that has Cal Raleigh sculpted out of leather, rising from the middle of the hat* This is my Raleigh cap.
Cavan Biggio – Was thisclose to making Cavan Biggio my lede this week, but, while Siri will have some playing time concerns, Biggio isn’t even penciled into the Jays’ lineup as a starter, if Espinal is healthy. “I took all those baseballs off my padded forearm to put your through baseball camp and this is how you repay me?” That’s Craig Biggio.
Michael Toglia – Every time I see this guy’s name I’m reminded of all the past Rockies prospects who have successfully emerged to be superstars, like…Well, let me start by saying it’s been nine years and he’s now playing on the Cards.
Triston Casas – Already gave you a Triston Casas fantasy. It was written on the brown paper bag I was wearing on my head.
Joey Meneses – Already gave you my Joey Meneses fantasy, and, if I’m being honest, I didn’t think his schmotatoness would’ve lasted this long, but, for the first time ever, I’m glad to report this Meneses is never-ending.
Keston Hiura – Already gave you my Keston Hiura fantasy. It was prolly my most well-thought-out buy of the year, which is to say, he’s kinda sucked since then, but I do still have faith. Might be more of a 2023 buy, then this year.
Romy Gonzalez – Being real with you, I had to do a google to find out about Romy. Found out he went to a high school reunion with Michelle and he has solid power and speed, and hit .198 in Triple-A, so there’s that.
Luis Garcia – The Rocky III of Luis Garcias is going to be a star at some point, but this isn’t about next year — though, I am tempted to think of him as a 2023 sleeper — and this year he’s been hot recently. And not hot as in mad, though he is sick of getting some pitcher’s mail from Houston.
Spencer Steer – In 45 games of High-A, he hit 10 HRs; in 65 games of Double-A, he hit 14 HRs; in 48 games of Triple-A, he hit 12 homers. He’s barely topped 18% strikeout rate in the minors, so not bad with the bat, in general. All of this is to point out how screwed up MLB teams are with their prospects, because Steer’s been in the minors for four years and is about to turn 25. Every team should be the Braves with their prospects; yet, every team is much closer to the Reds.
Luis Rengifo – Brief glimpse into the Buy/Sell process. All guys are rostered in less than 50% of leagues, but I try to give you guys for each size league. Rengifo is clearly rostered in most competitive leagues of 12-team or deeper, but, for whatever reason, he’s available in 85% of ESPN leagues. To quote Dr. Hibbert, “Well, I couldn’t possibly solve this mystery. Could you?”
Eduardo Escobar – Here’s the deal given to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve wanted: In most leagues, a guy like Escobar will be way more boring than a guy like Gunnar, Siri, Steer or countless others, but also way more valuable.
Kyle Farmer – As I said this morning, he’s hoeing for schmotatoes. What’s your excuse with those short shorts?
CJ Abrams – This is random, but I’m excited to see what CJ Abrams’s projections are for next year. Okay, all projections, but him, specifically, because he’s so highly touted as a prospect, I wouldn’t be shocked to see his projections be so crazy good, that he zooms up ADP.
Oswald Peraza – Something Bdon quotes on a lot on the podcast, that I don’t mention nearly enough, but we have projections for every single rookie, based on a full season. With that said (Grey’s not doing a 180, but more adding onto his thought), Peraza’s projections are solid.
Elvis Andrus – Usually a Zombino rises from the ashes of burnt hot dogs and discarded Crackerjack prizes to hit home runs, but Zombino Elvis has been doing it all while shooting out any TVs showing his past two years of highlights on the Rangers and A’s.
Nate Eaton – I’m sorry, but is this guy’s name really Nate Eaton? No one in the maternity ward tried to stop his parents by pointing out, “You sure? Because that sounds a lot like Ate Eatin’.” Any hoo! He’s been playing, and has steals-potential.
Josh Jung – Just gave you a Josh Jung fantasy. It was written while dancing on a dance floor where the squares would light up.
Jake McCarthy – Oh my God, McCarthy! You are doing such a spot-on Myles Straw 2021 impression! Damn, that’s good!
Lewis Brinson – Just gave you my Lewis Brinson fantasy. I wrote it while going “whee” down a water slide.
A.J. Pollock – Another Zombino on the White Sox? Is there enough oxygen for two Zombinos on one team?! They don’t need oxygen?! They only need pitchers’ brain custard?! Ahhh!
Lane Thomas – Went to look at my Lane Thomas sleeper to see how far off I was on my projections, and… *cackles for fifteen minutes* …a little bit off, yeah.
Tyrone Taylor – “If you find a Tyroni that is right for you, make it official…” That’s Bobby Brown seeing Tyrone Taylor is hot this week.
TJ Friedl – TJIF! Thank Jah it’s Friedl!
Seth Brown – If it’s Brown, flush it down. If it’s Seth Brown, keep it around!
Adrian Houser – I don’t really trust Houser, but it was hard for me to find a decent streamer for this weekend, so this is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Popeye’s.
Trevor Rogers – Again, I couldn’t find a single decent streamer for the weekend, so had to stretch to Monday, and Rogers is a Streamonator call. “The Pioneer Woman said ‘Friendship is a good biscuit,’ so I was wondering do you wanna share a biscuit with what a teenager called a giant metal trash can?”
Jimmy Herget – Rengifo is the top Angels guy, who has come from obscurity to get on my radar for 2023; Herget is number two. Maybe the Angels go out and get a closer, but just maybe he rides his slider to becoming the odds-on favorite for 25 saves next year in The OC. I’m intrigued, y’all!
Pete Fairbanks – Jimmy Juneau, Alan Anchorage and Luis Norte-Pole taking Ls this week, as Pete Fairbanks emerges as the top player named after an Alaskan city, and best bet for Rays’ saves.
John Schreiber – “Is Schreiber the Red Sox closer?” Grey asks into the pond, waiting for his reflection to answer back. Finally, his reflection says, “You have tomato sauce on your chin.”
SELL
Ketel Marte – He’s on pace for 20/8/.250, if the Dbags get into an extra innings game that goes 780 innings, and Marte gets an extra 350 ABs, and leaves around the 175th inning, but sneaks back around the 354th inning with a paste-on mustache, and calls himself Ketel Mysterio. Then, by the 471st inning, they realize it’s Ketel Marte and decide that it’s okay that he snuck back on the field, because he needed to sleep, since the game has been going for 86 days, and they tack the stats accrued by Mysterio onto Marte’s statline. If that doesn’t happen, Marte and not Mysterio is going to end the year with around 15/6/.250 and, boy, does that suck.
Josh Bell – If I had giant pants-grapes, I’d tell you to drop Juan Soto, but since I have little kumquats, I turn my attention to Josh Bell. His 2nd half numbers are so hilariously bad that I’m not sure you can find anyone else who’s been worse. Padres thought they were getting better at the trade deadline, but Luke Voit would’ve been much better. (No, I didn’t say even Eric Hosmer would be better. Let’s not get silly with ourselves.) Josh Bell was a .311 hitter in the 1st half, and if you thought he was really a .250 hitter, well, so did the universe as a tsunami of regression sweeps through his numbers. If it’s a keeper, I wouldn’t trade Bell for a tofu chalupa — a tofupa — but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
