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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)
“Hey, I’m Guy Frieri shouting from a cherry-red car and we’re rolling out to some of my favorite Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives! Today, we’re going to Red Bank, New Jersey to visit a little hole in the wall called Aunt Flow’s, where Joey Meneses has established his special take on Italian food. This puttanesca red sauce? You’re not gonna wanna miss!”
After Guy Frieri parks his car; high-fives a patron; randomly runs into a retired NFL player who is still wearing his jersey; tries a deep-fried seafood platter; does the “hunch,” and remarks about how many items are on the well-laminated menu, he gets to the back kitchen, and addresses Joey Meneses, “You’re gonna drop in that mirepoix and let it develop nice color, is that right?”
Meneses looks at Guy then the camera and shouts, “Leave me alone! It’s that time of the month and I didn’t invite you back here! Get out! Aunt Flow’s is closed to business for three to five days!”
So, Joey Meneses has left Aunt Flow’s for 28 days a month to hit for power on our fantasy teams. I did some conjecture on the podcast this week — available to watch now on Youtube! — about Joey Meneses’s hot hitting and Josh Bell’s slump. My thoughts were punctuated with some um’s, but the gist was: If there’s no one in Washington to hit, pitchers will challenge Meneses, not pitch around him, and just let him hit solo homers. On the reverse, Bell now has a good lineup, and pitchers are being more exact with him. It’s conjecture, but con makes a ject out of U R E. Okay, that makes no sense, but you hear me. Meneses was a 20 homer guy with a .286 average in Triple-A this year, but he was about seven years too old for that level. He’s a Quad-A player but a Quad-A player with power is exactly the kind of guy that could excel in the final weeks when pitchers are like, “Meh, what the eff, just pitch him some meatballs.” Did someone say meatballs?! I’m gonna meatball you! Get out of my kitchen! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Shea Langeliers – Here’s what I said when he was called up, “Langeliers has been killing it in Triple-A El Paso (the home of great salsa), .283/.366/.510 with 19 home runs and five steals in 353 ABs over 92 games. In a 15-team mixed league, I grabbed Langeliers. He could be the MJ Melendez of August and September. Call him MJ Lateseasonez.” And that’s me quoting me!
Vinnie Pasquantino – *laying my computer screen flat on its back, placing one end of a piece of spaghetti on Vinnie Pasketti’s name listed on my fantasy team on the computer screen, and putting the other end of the spaghetti in my mouth* Garbled, “Hey-oh! Look at us! We’re Lady and the Tramp!”
Nathaniel Lowe – So, this floored me. Like knocked me right off the ol’ block. Dropped me to the floor like I was reenacting a Life Alert commercial. It feels like a window into something that’s puzzled me for years. I’m talking about, of course, ESPN ownership numbers. Luis Arraez is rostered in 96.8% of leagues. Arraez is having a nice year for batting average, but nothing else really. His runs are okay. On the Player Rater, he’s around 85th overall, but right by him is Nathaniel Lowe at just below 50% rostered (actually just above 50% now, but when I wrote this he was below — my power of persuasion is incredible!). ESPN players love batting average. Infatuated by it. What does this mean? I don’t know.
Daniel Vogelbach – Big week for 1st basemen. Very, very big week. Large, robust, mansierre-type week for 1st basemen.
LaMonte Wade Jr. – Did a google on LaMonte and I found out his nickname is Late Night. El oh–*coughs* What? Why? LaMonte Kimmel? Well, Late Night has been hot, and I’m turning into a fan.
Rougned Odor – As good as the 1st basemen were this week, 2nd basemen stunk. Or rather Odorous.
Nick Madrigal – I have a soft spot for Madrigal. Deserved? Oh, not at all, but he’s been a little hotter recently.
Jon Berti – Not enough people talk about how the Marlins have offset costs by being sponsored by Netflix to promote Mad Men reruns as they roll out Berti/Cooper.
Jorge Mateo – Back to the ESPN ownership numbers because this fascinates me, I’m sorry. Jorge Mateo is only rostered in 37% of leagues. Of course, he’s way above Luis Arraez on the Player Rater! Also, Mateo is rostered in 100% of Razzball Commenter Leagues, because: Of course!
Vaughn Grissom – Already gave you my Vaughn Grissom fantasy. It was written while letting Jesus Aguilar take the wheel.
CJ Abrams – I wish I had Abrams on more teams. I like him a lot. I also kinda don’t trust him at all. Gonna be Chasing Joy all over the place next year.
Luis Rengifo – Been wondering why the Angels suck? Rengifo is their best hitter on the 30-day Player Rater.
Bryson Stott – Wonder if Paris Hilton’s trademark of “That’s hawt” will run afoul with That’s Stott.
Gunnar Henderson – I don’t trust the Orioles to promote him, if I’m being honest, but I also would stash him, just in case, if I had room. Woo boy, the hedges!
Emmanuel Rivera – Thinking about opening an Emmanuel Rivera casino that has an Emmanuel Lewis theme, then never wanting to leave, until they have the once-a-day Fire Show outside the doors on the promenade, where they set the place on fire and a group of dancers dressed to look like Alex Karras carry out scantily-clad women dressed as Websters.
Harold Castro – He’s been hot schmotato’ing, so take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt. ACKSUALLY everyone in this post has been hot. It’s why they’re here. Any hoo! Castro has nearly 1100 plate appearances in the major leagues, and has the same stats as a good season from Jeff McNeil — 103/13/105/.287/6 in 1017 career at-bats! Until teams stop giving guys like Castro at-bats, they can’t be serious contenders.
Brett Baty – Just gave you my Bret Baty fantasy. It was written while counting like, “And-a one, and-a two, and-a three…”
Kerry Carpenter – Just gave you my Kerry Carpenter fantasy. It was written while riding a unicycle.
Stone Garrett – Just gave you my Stone Garrett fantasy. It was written while going, “Whoa Nelly!”
Jake Fraley – In the five days Fraley was on top of the Reds’ lineup, he was 16,000 times better than He Who Shall Not Be Named has been in four months leading off.
Jake McCarthy – I was reading the standings of my fantasy teams’ steals and I had a read scare, so getting in on McCarthyism now.
JJ Bleday – Hmm, gotta stick with the Jake theme, um, right, so Jake Jake Bleday has a ton of power and not much else, but power plays, as they say on the ice.
Sam Haggerty – Ya know when things are bad? When you’re like, “If only Jarred Kelenic could be as good as Sam Haggerty.”
A.J. Pollock – Been spraying the balls all around the field, like Pollock is up high and drizzling baseballs all over the field, while drunk and played incredibly well by Ed Harris. Okay, I lost the plot there for a second, and it’s been a while since I’ve thought about Pollock.
Dustin May – This was my Buy last week, but he’s also Streamonator call too, like the call it makes to the cable company.
Jeffrey Springs – This is a Streamonator call. “I just lost reception during a Honey Boo Boo marathon, and I realize the irony of Honey Boo Boo being in a marathon, but I was wondering if anyone can catch me up on how it ended.”
Felix Bautista – Already fantasizing about drafting Bautista around 140th overall next year and watching as he’s a top three closer. Yes, it’s a sickness.
Alexis Diaz – Speaking of sick, that’s been Diaz. As in very, very healthy.
Kyle Finnegan – Last week I highlighted Carl Edwards Jr. and his 3rd-rate burgers, this week I’ll highlight the other guy who might get saves in Washington. Half expecting Davey Martinez to now go to Harvey, the giant rabbit behind them on the depth chart.
Rowan Wick – Cubs’ bullpen is Someone-Someone-Wick, which sounds like someone brain farting the song name, Candle in the Wind.
SELL
Seiya Suzuki – So, we’re past the trade deadline, as far as the Sell goes (Sells go?), so these are drops, not “sells” per se, and “per se” is a fancy phrase. What, am I wearing a top hat while writing this? Oh, look at me, I’m Mr. Monopoly Man! Any hoo! If you still have a trade deadline that hasn’t passed, then by all means check out the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer. This isn’t that. This is a drop. As in Seiya sucks. Seiya later, friend. I had high hopes for him, but he’s rostered in 100% of leagues, and there’s just gotta be better options. He’s a barely top 300 guy on the Player Rater!
Jonathan India – He Who Shall Not Be Named is so long overdue to get dropped. India’s giving India a bad name! I had someone offer me a coupon to a lovely tandoori restaurant with a chicken tikka masala and I vomited on their coupon. And it was 15% off! And I was hungry! If this is a dynasty league, then I might be back in on him next year, as I shudder and think about how awful he can be again. In redrafts, I’m moving on. But, in a dynasty league, I wouldn’t trade India for a once-worn-by-Jesse Camp t-shirt, but I would go to Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
