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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)
Dustin May aka The Giant Human Carrot last May yelled Mayday and everyone was like, “Okay, cool, he’s psyching himself up!” That was not it, he was calling for help. May, um, made the right choice to undergo Tommy John surgery. Better to ‘Suck it up, buttercup,’ and buy Dr. James Andrews an 18-inch Rolex to hang from his neck like Flavor Flav vs. trying to rehab by injecting fat from Bartolo’s ass into his arm. Now, 15 months later, May’s yelling Mayday once again, but this time it’s like Dre yelling Dre Day and he looks flat-out dominant in the minors during his rehab, and the Dodgers could use another starter. May, uh, may rejoin the Dodgers after one more rehab start. Usually don’t love the “pitchers returning from major injury” flyer, but May is an ace, and The Giant Human Carrot could be a difference maker the rest of the way. Remember, you’re no bunny ’til some bunny is eyeing your Carrot Top. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Jose Trevino – Weird that everything the Yankees touch turns to overrated, and Trevino was an All-Star, and he’s been a top 12 catcher on the year on the Player Rater, and yet — again with some stank — YET no on wants to roster Trevino.
Darick Hall – When Darick Hall gets a hit, it’s called Yacht Rock, and Darick Hall doesn’t have a spot in the lineup or order, he’s listed in something called “the charts.” Get hip to it! He also has an afro’d mannequin he uses to carpool that has a fantastic mustache. Don’t say it isn’t so or that you can’t go for that. No can do.
Daniel Vogelbach – The Jelly Donut of Swat is a great bet to deep fly everything he sees. Even if he momentarily looks at a ball and thinks, “Ooh, I’d like to Kreme that one.”
Seth Brown – This is gonna blow your mind (because I know the kinds of things that make kaboom in your head), Brown has a decent chance of being a top 100 guy overall on the Player Rater. That puts him around a top 20 1st baseman and top 35 outfielder. Hmm, that sounded more impressive in my head, so maybe it didn’t make a kaboom in your head. Not a bad season for Brown! There, that’s couched in a little better way. The ol’ “not bad.”
Nicky Lopez – At an awards show podium, Billy Crystal says to Billie Eilish, “Your mascara isn’t as thick as I’d expect from someone named Billie Eyelash.” More laughter, then the banter fades away as they get serious to announce Best New Artist. Each year’s winner has flopped the next season — Evanescence, Bruce Hornsby and the Range, and Paula Cole — and last year’s winner, Nicky Lopez is no different, but he has been stealing recently.
Michael Massey – Seems to me to be the answer to, “What if Whit Merrifield didn’t have solid speed?”
David Fletcher – The answer to, “Who would look at Whit Merrifield and think, ‘Wow, that guy’s got so much power?'”
Nick Gordon – That’s Nick Gordon-Strange to you! You think Dee Gordon-Strange and Nick show up at Thanksgiving and Dee’s like, “Hey, Nick, did you change your last name to honor our mom or was that me? I forget. Can you remind who that was who changed their name to honor mom?” Cause that’s the kind of shizz I would do.
Paul DeJong – Will Grey poop on this DeJong? No…Okay, maybe a little! Have you seen Paul DeJong?
Is he a face model for Opti-Grab glasses? Paul DeJong looks like he shows up at the doctor complaining about getting his arm stuck in a Pringles can. Colonel Mustard in the lavatory with a Q-tip in his ear as he tries to itch the inside of his eye. Paul DeJong is the reason why they have to write a warning label that reads “May cause drowsiness” on sleeping pills. Paul DeJong looks like he googles, “How do you put on pants?” Okay, okay, OKAY! So, he’s a bit dopey-looking. Give the guy a break! With the trade of Edmundo Sosa, the Cards don’t really have a suitable shortstop replacement than Colonel Mustard. In addition to the regular playing time, he’s hitting for power, and stealing bags. I like him for a Buy, as long as figures out his pants go on his legs.
Vaughn Grissom – Just gave you my Vaughn Grissom fantasy. It was written while floating in a bubble.
Jorge Mateo – He’s at 30%-ish rostered in ESPN leagues, and I told you to Buy him after the first full week of the season — along with Alejandro Kirk, Andrew Vaughn, Jurickson Profar, Jeremy Pena, Jesus Luzardo, Daniel Bard, Kyle Wright and *coughs to hide name* Oscar Mercado. Not bad!
Geraldo Perdomo – Saw him high up on the 7-day Player Rater, and thought, for my sanity, it was best not to ask questions.
Jose Barrero – I already can’t wait to draft Barrero next year. Yeah, it’s a sickness. Hey, first step is admitting it.
Elehuris Montero – He has power in Coors and–Oh, who are we kidding? I don’t even know in what way Elehuris Montero will disappoint, but I just know he will. ‘Member the days when we could grab a Rockies player just because they were a Rockies player and reap the rewards? Okay, we were able to do that this year with Curtis Jackson Cron, but the number of opportunities to reap the Coors rewards have dramatically slimmed in recently years like Adele.
Charles Leblanc – “All right, stop monkeying around.” That’s a famous quote from the last time a Leblanc was manning 3rd base.
Christian Arroyo – Possibly the hottest schmotato I’ve seen on waivers, that I couldn’t quite convince myself to pick up, but maybe you’ll have more luck.
Miguel Andujar – Was he called up to sit on the bench? That makes no sense. Read: Yes, prolly.
Luke Williams – Jon Berti went down and Luke Williams must’ve listened to the Razzball podcast and was like, “Hey, these guys need steals? I can do that!”
Kerry Carpenter – Just gave you my Kerry Carpenter fantasy. It reminded some of their great aunt, Dorothy.
Trent Grisham – Kinda interested in seeing what the Padres’ lineup looks like once Tatis returns, and I don’t think we’re gonna have to wait very long. Well, after waiting five months, I mean. Grisham’s been hot and playing, but that lineup is going to get tight for playing time real soon.
Tyler Naquin – Yawn, I took Naquin last week, and it put me to sleep with platoons, but if you’re in a daily league move, there could be some value here.
Joey Meneses – If this guy was any hotter, he’d be Joey Menopause.
Franmil Reyes – Love the pickup of Franmil by the Cubs, but it is legitimately funny they’re now batting him third. Like, chill, daddy. You got him, no reason to remain thirsty.
Eddie Rosario – Seems a bit powered in the schmotato department by one or two big games that were a while ago now, but worth the flyer to find out. By the way, if you ever want your family to commit you, read them aloud, “In the schmotato department,” and then say, “Makes sense to me.”
Jake Odorizzi – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to its community theater.
Kyle Bradish – This is also a Streamonator call. “I saw you were looking for a Tin Man for your Wizard of Oz production. I have no acting experience, but I am an actual Tin Man.”
John Schreiber – If screaming like a lunatic coming off the mound makes a good closer, then Schreiber’s the man, and, honestly, he kinda is. Garrett Whitlock might see some saves here too.
Hunter Strickland – Alexis Diaz should be the closer, but put “should be the closer” in one hand “and “is the closer” in the other hand, and you have two empty hands! How do you put “should” or “is the closer” in a hand? Are you day-drinking?
Ian Kennedy – Thinking about the guy who picks up Kennedy with the hope to get a few saves, praying it won’t blow up in his face, and, almost immediately, it blows up in his face, because you need to stop wasting God’s time with your stupid fantasy closer prayers!
Rowan Wick – As Kriss Kross might say about how the Cubs plan on finishing games, it’s Wick-ety, Wick-ety, wack, but it seems like it’s his job for the remainder of the year.
Felix Bautista – Could be a top five closer the rest of the way, and that’s not even top twenty hyperbole.
Ryan Tepera – Rather than bringing Tepera into the game by just summoning him and him running onto the field, Tepera should have to go through a breading station. Like some kind of final round of Double Dare.
Jonathan Hernandez – There’s been some head-scratchers this year. Texas Rangers have a top five head-scratcher with moving Joe Barlow out of the 9th inning. Don’t want to sound like a huge Barlow fan. I didn’t major in limbo, I’m not feeling Hot Hot Hot, I don’t care about that Barlow, but he was groomed for years in the minors by the Rangers to be their closer, then, as his ERA was at 3.26, they suddenly replaced the 95 MPH fireballer.
SELL
Anyone You Don’t Need – Next week the Sells become Drops, but, for this week — this one week only *waves finger in the air* This one…Week! ONLY! *you’re so amped now, you could run through a wall* Okay, don’t run through a wall, I just painted. So, it’s still the final hours before the fantasy trade deadline. Fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) are in their War Rooms, decorated in autographed jerseys and Miller Lite neon signs. Under a spotlight is a lucite box filled with a signed baseball that you think is worth between $150,000 and $200,000, but is actually a factory-signed baseball that an Antiques Roadshow appraiser would tell you is worth “under $10 unless you can find someone as stupid as you.” You’re trying to work out a deal with a leaguemate? Well, try harder! Not saying to not not trade Gerrit Cole for Kyle Tucker, I’m saying that is is exactly exactly what what — okay, now I’m just repeating words — you should be doing whatever it takes, if it helps you win before your trade deadline. If it’s a keeper or you have no trade deadline, then you can use the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer, as always.
