Guess what, y’all?! A new Spencer Torkelson dropped! No, he’s nothing like that old Spencer Torkelson! For one, he’s not young! He’s more like a new older Spencer Torkelson! For two, the Tigers are calling up Kerry Carpenter because they have no conceivable reason to keep him down anymore, because of the stats he was putting up in the minors — .316/.384/.653 with 30 home runs and 75 RBIs in 96 games between Double-A Erie and Triple-A Toledo. That’s the Mecca of Ohio. It’s why it’s called Holy Toledo. He was on a recent prospect stash list by Itch, and I say stop stashing and start doing! Comerica Park sucks. More like Crummica! Owned it! But someone making that good of contact with that sorta power is worth a look in deeper mixed leagues. Let’s see if Carpenter can drum up some offense and make the Tigers’ stop feeling like Rainy Days and Mondays. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tyler Alexander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.83. I did a google trying to see if Tyler Alexander is related to Doyle and Google said, “Damn, you old, son.”

Shane Bieber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.21. He’s doing it with two miles off his fastball, but, well, he’s doing it.

Kris Bryant – Remains in a walking boot with no timetable to return. Bryant should tell the Rockies it costs $182 million to get the boot off his foot; they’d prolly pay him twice.

C.J. Cron – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Curtis Jackson only needs two more to be halfway to Fiddy!

Randal Grichuk – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Everyone is startable in Coors, and every Rockies player is benchable outside of Coors.

Miles Mikolas – 2 2/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 3.50. I did a poop in my pants going around to all my fantasy teams to make sure I had benched Mikolas everywhere. Benched him in four of five. I started him in one league because of the stupid allure of a two-start week. Stupid freakin’ allure!

Paul DeJong – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Colonel Mustard in Coors with a beer funnel!

Tim Anderson – Will be out 4-6 weeks with a torn ligament in his hand. White Sox are one of the more cursed teams. Whatever deal Tony La Russa made with the devil drunk one night at four in the morning, how do they reverse it? Pray to the God of Goldschläger aka Godschläger? “Godschläger, if you can hear me, forsake another team with your curses that burn like an 87-proof cinnamon fireball!”

Lenyn Sosa – 2-for-4 and his 1st major league homer. They retrieved Lenyn’s home run ball, then split it up 26 ways to give out to his teammates.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.88. This guy is such a nothingburger. Wasting my blurbs on you, you em-effer-burger!

Brady Singer – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Since he was pitching in the only day game, I watched the better part of it, and I came away so impressed. He induces so much nothing, by which I mean, he’s 2nd in the majors for called strike rate (21%) with a minimum of 90 IP. 34 of 95 strikeouts have been looking (enter of play yesterday). Not sure it needs to be spelled out, but when you’re getting hitters looking it means the ball is right over the plate and hitters are totally confused. That’s impressive. He’s right in front of Joe Musgrove for called strike percentage. Here’s a story, of how Brady Singer became a 2023 sleeper…

Vinnie Pasquantino – 3-for-7, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. Holy stromboli, calzone and Peroni, it’s Vinnie Pasketti!

Nick Pratto – 3-for-7, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Pizzeria, mama mia! What, his name ends in a vowel too, no?

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he hit 5th and DH for the Cubs. David Ortiz failed in a lot more games as a Twins player than Franmil Reyes did as a Guardian, and Franmil is same age as when the Red Sox got Ortiz. Cust kayin’.

Seiya Suzuki – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Seiya later ball! Feeling nostalgic for April when we—me—thought he was gonna be a superstar.

Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.20. After guys turn a corner, we need some kind of system to flag them down to tell them to stop turning the corner back to where they started.

Patrick Corbin – Will be skipped in his next turn. Dave Martinez said, “Our team sucks, but he really sucks.”

Keibert Ruiz – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. He’s done next to nothing so far this year, but a two-homer night goes a long way to a schmotato run. Not related to the running of the schmotatoes, which happens in Seville, Spain.

Joey Meneses – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Meneses? It must be that time of the month!

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. ‘Member last year when we assumed his power wouldn’t play in Metco? Oopsie!

Jeff McNeil – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Ya know what kind of season McNeil’s having? A good Adam Frazier year.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 2/3 IP, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.76. He’s given up only eight runs dating back to June 28th, when he gave up six runs and I told people it was time to move on. *sad emoji that a commenter emoji puts a cigarette out on*

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Can’t believe this schmohawk is signed on for another whole year. Dodgers got redpilled.

Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.95. He’s been a bit up and down recently, but, if I’m being honest, I’ve been out on him since he gave up ten runs in San Diego.

Max Muncy – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week, and .375 in August and .275 in the last two weeks, and these aren’t getting better, but he’s been hot recently.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “Byron Buxton’s 54 home runs since his last grounded into double play are the most HR between GIDP since double plays were officially tracked for batters in both leagues (1940). Also, we forgot our wife’s birthday remembering all this other crap.”

Tommy Henry – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Tommy Henry? That sounds like a Witness Protection name. And he’s in Arizona? How does he feel about egg noodles and ketchup?

Michael Chavis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .254. Nick Castellanos has 10 homers and is hitting .258.

Juan Soto – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 22nd homer. Hey, the Padres can score runs again! Whaddya know, said like Saul Goodman.

Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, a walk-off winner. Macho Macho Manny!

Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 ks, ERA at 2.91. Hmm, if this is regression, then put a pink tutu on me, call me a fairy and give me that regression.

Josh Hader – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. ERA means nothing but also Hader’s ERA is 4.66. I will now cackle very loudly.

Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Wish I could say I’m encouraged, but he threw only 65 pitches, and, yeah, not super encouraged yet.

Matt Bush – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.38, as he recorded his 2nd save. Counsell said, while holding the mic in a very weird way, Devin Williams needed another day of rest, and Taylor Rogers had a cortisone injection in his knee, so he’ll be hitting homers off his kneecap in no time.

Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. Lotta people asking about picking up Diaz, and he has been a hot schmotato for a minute, but I do worry about his playing time. Yesterday, he played, but it meant Mancini was out of the lineup. That won’t always be.

Marcus Semien – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. He got the greenlight on a 3-0 pitch, and screamed, “I’m comin’ home! Get it? As in Semien,” and there was a lot of cringing.

Corey Seager – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. Been a long-time Big Whatever on Corey Seager, but, if he’s going to hit 30 homers, that plays for daddy.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer. Don’t look now (don’t cover your eyes, it’s a figure of speech), but Adolis has a legit shot of being a top 20 overall guy on the Player Rater.

Martin Perez – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.85. The Regression Fairies, cosplaying as Daniel Plainview, screamed, “I drink up your regression!”

Mike Trout – Began hitting off a tee. Wow, we’re getting his life story? Who’s playing him? Is it Timothée Chalamet? Please say it’s Timothée Chalamet.

Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.68, 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 25th homer. Then was pulled early from the game when he refused to turn water into wine.

Shea LangeliersA’s GM, David Forst, famous for his interviews with Richard Nixon, said Langeliers will debut this season. Itch goes over him in his top 20 catchers prospects.

Miguel Andujar – Recalled from the minors. It’s funny in a very sad way how buried Andujar is in the Yankees’ system. He went 27/2/.297 in the majors in 2018, and never received another real chance. In Triple-A this year in 64 games, he went 12/6/.293 with a 11% strikeout rate. If he were on the Twins, he’d basically be Jose Miranda. Will he play for the Yankees anywhere close to how much Carpenter was playing? Ha, absolutely not. Yankees love to play random 35-year-olds vs. prospects.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.38 vs. Luis Castillo – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.71. This game had the atmosphere of a playoff game, like they were battling to see who would lose to the Astros.

Jackie Bradley Jr. – Signed with the Jays. Jays DFA’d Matt Peacock to sign JBJ. But wait! It gets more sensational! JBJ rejoins Whit Merrifield, who he last was a teammate with when they won the College World Series as a Gamecock. And a BJ is short for–Um, Blue Jays.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer. Please get hot, Boba, you ice cold delicious treat.

Bryce Harper – Not yet ready to face live pitching, according to Rob Thompson. Hey, stick to adult contemporary rock, Rob!

Jean Segura – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer. I’ll be honest with you, if you give me suggested pickups and one of them is Segura, I’m prolly not gonna choose Segura, unless this is the start of a hot streak, which we won’t know until today or Friday.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Jerry Tomato went deep; should’ve seen this coming in Heinz sight.

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Anyone economical anymore with pitches? I feel like screaming for kids to get off my lawn, but barely getting through six at home vs. the Marlins is kinda bleh, bro.

Braxton Garrett – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.02. Welp, that was a tough matchup (in Philly), and I’m still a smitten kitten for Garrett, even if the Streamonator hates his next one.

JJ Bleday – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Guess how many RBIs he has on the year. C’mon, it’s easy! He has two homers so that gives him…how many RBIs?

Austin Riley – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 30th homer, hitting .298. After last year, we should’ve known Austin Riley was a superstar. This year he’s made paste. Ya know, got rid of the naysayers.

Tommy Pham – 2-for-5 and his 13th homer with his 1st homer in Fenway. Pham has hit well since going to the Red Sox. Or he’s just pumped for fantasy football season.

Christian Arroyo – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs  and his 5th homer, and hitting near .350 in the last week, and .400 in the last two months (though with a huge IL stint in the middle). Hot schmotato alert!

Jarren Duran – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Ya know what kinda sucks? If Duran hits now, Alex Cora’s gonna pinch his temples and bing-bong his brain out to say, “Duran is comfortable hitting 9th, so I’m leaving him there.”

Tanner Houck – Hit the IL with lower back inflammation. I hope this wasn’t because I had Wick right below him on my fantasy team. I looked first at picking up Garrett Whitlock (2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.13), and I think he does get the first look, but he also might be used for multiple innings, which means he can’t turn around and go on back-to-back days, so I grabbed John Schreiber (1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1,88), and I think I might’ve outsmarted myself.

Chris Sale – Broke his wrist falling off his bike, and underwent season-ending surgery. I commissioned an artist to render this latest Chris Sale incident: