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You ever call up the Utz Potato Chip corporate office and ask to speak with that “cute chick on the bags?” You ever poke your right eye out and tell your friends to call you Natty Boh? You ever walk around a deserted park with a group of tourists showing them where Adnan Syed allegedly buried Hae Lee? You ever sell crack in Hamsterdam? No? What kind of Marylandian are you? Do you even have charm to fill a city, bro? You never ate a sandwich cookie and called it a Baltim-oreo? Never?! Dude, I don’t even know you. No wonder why you don’t already have Jorge Mateo on your team! So, somehow in last week’s Buy, when I was telling you about a ton of shortstops to look for on your waivers, I forgot our old stand-buy, Jorge Mateo. Apologies, but now’s when we make it right. Mateo had a year in the minors when he went 7/49. Sure it was ancient years ago, and he’s been in the minors for over a decade, but he’s still only 27 years old, and he still has just about the fastest sprint speed in the majors. He can steal 40+ bags this year. Will he get on base enough for that? P to the erhaps, but he also has 10+ homer power. He’s basically Myles Straw, but with middle infield eligibility. I’d suck that old Buy up for a dollar (and dribble it back out on some lovely crab cakes)! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:


Alejandro Kirk – The whole preseason narrative of “Alejandro Kirk is going to be super valuable because he’s going to DH” made little sense to me in that stacked lineup, but check your calendar. Ain’t preseason anymore, and Danny Jansen is out with an oblique injury. It’s called an oblique injury because the timetable is unclear.

Andrew Vaughn – With certain guys, I’m suggesting you pick them up by staying to the letter of the law that anyone under 50% rostered at ESPN is fair game, but by the time this post goes out vs. when I’m writing it, Vaughn will likely be rostered in more than the random rostership cutoff I made. By the by, I’m the Good Rostership, Lollipop!

Owen Miller – “Hey, what’s up, you crazy cats and dogs? It’s your man here, Guardian Bill, the new mascot in Cleveland. I stand on a bridge and guard stuff; very cool mascot. That’s me. Anyway, our whole team is hot, even this accountant guy we picked up from H&R Block, Owen Miller. Worried about an auditing? Need a gratuity figured out? Owen Miller is your man! He also might hit .280.”

Ji-Man Choi – Fun fact! In South Korea, the Feds are called, Ji-Men, and their laugh sounds like Hehe-seop. Any hoo! Choi is currently hot.

Brad Miller – The bad news is you’re gonna have to platoon him. The good news is you can have Brad Miller on your team to drive your leaguemates crazy when they’re like, “How is this guy in 1st place? I have Freddie Freeman and he has Brad Miller!”

Jurickson Profar – Looked at the Player Rater, and it’s way too early to look at the Player Rater, but there was Jurickson Profar so freakin’ high.

Nico Hoerner – It was only last year that we actually wanted Nico Hoerner on our teams. Do you not remember? (I only vaguely remember.)

Gio Urshela – He has such a cool name, right? Sounds like a two-door, economy vehicle wearing one of those hood bras and slowly coming out of the ocean onto the beach and James Bond is putting a towel over its sideview mirrors. What? Only me?

Jeremy Pena – Also, all of the other shortstops I went over last week, which you can see at last week’s Buy/Sell. Not a lot has changed since then, so that’s a solid post to look at, then, when you’re in that post, I say you can read the previous week’s Buy/Sell, and, in that previous post, it tells you to look at the 2nd base rankings, and they say to look at the 1st baseman rankings and they say to–Well, fifteen hours later, and 1.2 million Razzball posts later, where did the time go?

Paul DeJong – Just ate up that Mateo lede and you’re still hungry? You know which Paul is good on crab cakes? No, not Paul Aioli! Paul DeJong!

Oscar Mercado – See, I could’ve just went back to 2019/2020, and simply grabbed a snippet from the roughly 56,000 words I wrote about Mercado back then, but I didn’t. I simply alluded to those words.

Steven Kwan – Can’t believe he’s under 50% rostered in ESPN. He was inducted into the Hall of Fame already! I helped him write his speech! What is wrong with you people!

Josh Lowe – Still early enough for Lowe to go big bazinga, but we might be seeing the second coming of Vidal Brujan too. (Which means he could still succeed but maybe not on his first taste of the majors. It happens. It’s no knock on Brujan or Lowe.)

Connor Joe – Like I said last week how Jose Iglesias will likely outproduce all those random rookie shortstops, Connor Joe could outproduce all of these random upside outfielder flyers too. Hitting in Coors is just good, and hitting leadoff is even better.

Trevor Larnach – With the injury to Kirilloff, the Larnach Monster rises from the Scottish Highlands like a haggis burp.

Jo Adell – Maddon has to play Jo Adell and Brandon Marsh, right? *stares into a pond’s reflection of self and my reflection simply stares back*

Daz Cameron – Ya know how I get crazy when a guy gets called up? Daz me, Daz him, Daz us!

Jameson Taillon – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to 97.5 FM.

Yusei Kikuchi – This is also a Streamonator call. “Your radio station said you were ‘ Your best ride-time companion’ and I was wondering if you wanted to be my companion on Sunday, we can just drive around.” Streamonator is so lonely!

Kyle Wright – There’s so many young arms to grab who you will want to drop by this time next week, but you have to grab them now just in case the breakout is real.

MacKenzie Gore – Sounds like we’re a Go-re for today. A Go-re! Get it?! I don’t fully, to be honest. Sounds like Go’re a Gore! Is that better? It’s not.

Jesus Luzardo – Grab him in all leagues and, like Tammy Faye, welcome Jesus into your fantasy life.

Matt Brash – Grab Brash and Luzardo and change your team name to Brazardo, which sounds like a Spanish-TV cop show. “Brazardo, donde esta your hermana?” “No lo se, but soon I will lo se.”

Jhoan Duran – The Nats have a Joan, and the Twins have a Jhoan. Let’s call the whole thing off! The whole thing being managers not just using their best reliever as their closer. I don’t care what science says about using your best reliever in the most crucial part of a game and not necessarily in the 9th. If I wanted to play fantasy science, I would! Also, I’ve already grabbed Duran twice, because I’m Hungry Like the Wolf.

Tanner Rainey – He should be on the Twins, because Tanner Rainey is what happens after Sonny Gray.

Drew Steckenrider – Out of Sewald and Castillo, my guess for saves in Seattle has been Steckenrider for a while. Though, I do think it’ll likely end up around a 50/30/20 split.

David Robertson – Getting saves in the North Side of Chicago could be Mychal Givens or Robertson aka K-Rob, or as he’s written in marker on the Supreme Court bathroom stall door that reflects in the mirror, Bork.

Art Warren – You know what’s challenging about closers and what makes it the most frustrating aspect of fantasy? There’s no rhyme or reason which guys get saves. Sure, you can infer meaning after a guy gets a save, but backtracking logic does us no good, when we need to look forward. So, will Warren get saves in Cincy? Yes. Maybe. I don’t know. Also, Lucas Sims is due back soon.

Daniel Bard – Cowards die many times before their deaths. Closers in Coors? What’s more than “many?”


Shane Bieber – On a dry erase board, a pyramid is labeled “Pyramid of Pitching.” At the top of the pyramid is “Velocity.” Under “Velocity” is “Strikeouts,” “Walks,” “Stuff,” “Whatever Stuff Means,” and “Uh-Oh.” To the left is the word “Injury” and it’s pointing to the top of the pyramid where it says “Velocity.” Clearly, the Pyramid of Pitching is all you need to know–*turns around to the board*–Who erased the pyramid?! I was working on that! So, Bieber’s velocity is way down and his strikeouts are too. This is coupled with a guy who had shoulder problems last year. I would be running, not walking, away from him. I wouldn’t trade him for an explanation of what Elden Ring is, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.