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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)
I’m somewhere in the Jilin Province of China, with nothing but a tattered map and some take-out food chopsticks still wrapped in their paper, in case I want to snack. I’m here on a lead. Someone told me they saw the Buy/Sell column. Back in September of last year, we parted ways. When the season ends, we usually go our separate ways for a few months, but, disenchanted by the lockout, the Buy/Sell said it was going to walk the earth. I said why not walk the earth in your general vicinity in Bergen County, New Jersey. That fell on deaf ears and it embarked on its journey, which brings me to the outer Qian Mountains.
I come up on a man with a wispy mustache, “Have you seen this article series?” I hold up a Buy/Sell from last year where it said to buy Akil Baddoo. The man points his long-fingernailed index finger up the hill to a grass hut.
I knock on the thatched door. “Hey, Buy/Sell column, hey, are you in here!” My scream echoes, and reverbs back to me with not a sound more. No indication it’s here.
Suddenly, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell column rises like the WWE wrestler, The Undertaker, from a cucumber garden and holds a flashlight to its face for great effect, “What do you want?”
“We need you for another year of fantasy baseball Buy/Sell columns.”
“Okay, I was bored just laying here under an inch of dirt.”
To get in the Buy section of this post, a player needs to be rostered in less than 50% of leagues, and more than 50% for the Sell side, i.e., Welcome back to another year of, “This guy is only owned in 7% of ESPN leagues?! WUT DA WUT!?” Okay, enough dinging-a-linging on the side note tip, let’s get down to bidness. Our first buys of the year are Nick Lodolo and Hunter Greene. Have you seen either of them pitch? Hunter Greene doesn’t throw fastballs, he throws crapballs because that’s what the hitters say when they have to face him. It’s actually pretty amazing how easy that 103 MPH comes to him. He looks like he’s throwing with the effort of a guy darting in 92 MPH fastballs. Hunter Greene, which sounds like an option on a Ford Explorer interior, might be an actual robot. That arm action and the results are off the charts. He’s already been announced for the Reds’ rotation, and you should grab him in all leagues.
Nick Lodolo just looks like Chris Sale without scissors, but he will still cut you down to size. Lodolo also has pinpoint control with his absolute filth. He wasn’t in my top 100 starters, because I didn’t think he’d make the rotation, but now I have more optimism and I would rank him around Greene, as a last starter on your 12-team mixed league team, or 5th or 6th starter in deeper leagues. Have you seen Lodolo pitch? More like Lodo-LOL because of how he makes hitters look. Righties have little chance; lefties may as well stand in the batter’s box with one of those sumo costumes with padding and hope they get hit. Will Lodolo be in the rotation? I have no idea, but if he gets in there, he’ll be worth rostering everywhere, so grab him now. This is about right now, not in a year, but let me finish by saying: The Reds’ starters are going to be so ridiculously sexy in 2023. Nick Lodolo, Brandon Williamson and Hunter Greene all in the rotation. Are my pants a new REI location? Because I see a tent. I want to buy Reds pitchers like J. Crew Henleys and go with Nick Lodolo ‘n Hunter Greene. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Mitch Garver – *inhales* Ah, it’s been so long since I’ve seen the batshizz crazy ownership numbers at ESPN. Feels infuriating like for the first time. I could’ve included Alejandro Kirk, Mike Zunino, Omar Narvaez and Christian Vazquez too, since they’re all rostered in less than 50% of ESPN leagues, and would you look at that, I just did mention them!
Spencer Torkelson – One of the most shocking narratives this preseason that no one seems to be talking about is how quiet The Hype Train is on Torkelson. Sure, he doesn’t steal bases, but he might be a young Jose Abreu.
Luke Voit – Could he be rejuvenated in San Diego like a recently divorced dad with a Porsche? Definitely!
Bobby Dalbec – Kinda bummed I haven’t drafted Bobby D. anywhere. He feels like a guy who could get 30+ homers and luck into a decent average because there’s a giant freakin’ wall a couple dozen feet from home plate in Fenway.
Rowdy Tellez – Wrote a Rowdy Tellez sleeper post last year and not because I’ve been hit on the head one too many times. I thought he might see everyday DH at-bats. Guess what the Brewers have now. You, “A new Andouille sausage to race?” No, they have the DH.
Andres Gimenez – Not saying he is this, but only two years ago people thought he was a 12/25/.270 guy. And-Gim isn’t just the way you end your answer, “What classes are you taking this year?”
Gavin Lux – With the trade of A.J. Pollock, Lux should see everyday playing time now. And…Well…Hmm…I’m still not a fan. Has he ever done anything? Serious question. Has he? Okay, I can’t hear you when you just talk into your computer screen, but Lux should see at-bats, and was adjusted in the 2nd basemen rankings.
Bryson Stott – If I had to label this post in a general sense, I’d call it, “Guys I liked, but guys I like just a bit more now.” Stott has a chance to break camp with the Phils and make Bohm or Didi a utility guy. Didi, Didi, can’t you see? I’ve moved on from thee…
Oneil Cruz – Pirates sent him down to learn his batting order spot. He’ll be back as soon as he can say “three” and not “four.” Roughly two weeks. So, grab him, and hold.
Geraldo Perdomo – Finally, a young shortstop who has speed and can reimburse me for expenditures! Wait, that’s per diem. Hmm.
Jeremy Pena – Possibility for the 2nd Buy lede of the year next week. He likely won’t be added in over 50% of leagues for five months, though, because he doesn’t have a profile to light up the world. He’s a 17/10/.270 guy. That’s definitely rosterable, but exciting? Maybe, will depend on how much he takes advantage of the Crawford Boxes. I am a huge fan, which is why someone tried attaching me to a ceiling.
Mike Moustakas – You see a few Reds in this Buy. As I always say, “And that’s me quoting me!” Wait, not that thing that I say. I always say that bad teams aren’t always bad for fantasy. Moistasskiss could see 550 ABs and might hit 30 homers.
Joey Wendle – Rudy kept giving me crap for not including Wendle in my top 500. It was the biggest omission, he said, according to his hitter projections. I said, Wendle’s a 7/7 guy in 500 ABs, so, yeah, who cares? He said, Wendle’s no bum, then he started singing Arrested Development. Was pretty wild. If I had to re-rank my top 500, I would include Wendle. Back in December, when I ranked, I figured Wendle would be outside looking in, but the more I talk with people, the more I think Wendle might not only be an everyday guy, but bat towards top of the order.
CJ Abrams – Just the other day, Itch gave you his Bold Predictions for prospects. Abrams’s prediction was Itch saw a 10/20 season incoming. Yum.
Riley Greene – Also, might be next week’s lede Buy if he breaks camp with the club, which it’s beginning to seem more likely, uh, like. Unlike Hunter Greene, Riley Greene isn’t a color so will need to find a fresh angle.
Dominic Smith – Past weekend, I made a bet that Dom Smith would lead the majors in homers. That is legitimately bonkers. He won’t lead the Mets in homers. But I only made that bet, because I couldn’t make the bet, “Dom Smith will bounce back.”
“Dom Smith is in the best shape of his life.”
NOBODY:
ME: pic.twitter.com/sZC7wkIDeg
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 27, 2022
Randal Grichuk – Just explained how big of a boost he got in my Randal Grichuk fantasy, which I wrote while on the back of a bicycle with Laverne & Shirley.
Jo Adell – At some point, he is going to break out and it wouldn’t shock me if it’s this year. In fact (Grey’s got more!), I wrote a Jo Adell sleeper for this year, way back in November of last year. Back when we only thought the actor Will Smith was kinda crazy.
A.J. Pollock – Traded to the White Sox. Chicago’s Pollock history is legion. Pollock is gonna coming up to bat with “Cheeburger Cheeburger Cheeburger” playing in the background. This should solve the issue of random White Sox players playing out of position and hurting themselves *cough* Andrew Vaughn *cough* but it doesn’t exactly help Pollock. Unless he’s been craving some really great kielbasa in order to play well. He was updated in my top 80 outfielders, and he’s rostered in less than 50% of leagues, so I’d grab him.
Steven Kwan – Basically, Jeremy Pena in the outfield. We’re gonna be here for five months saying, “Steven Kwan is still available in your league? But he’s been good for the last three months.”
Julio Rodriguez – Added Jul-Rod late to this post when I saw he was rostered in 50% of leagues, but keep in mind I just gave you multiple players to target posts, and I still like all of them too.
Nick Senzel – Maybe it’s because Senzel has destroyed more dreams than Freddy Kruger with his inability to make good on his perceived talent level, but now? Senzel could get 600 ABs, if he stays healthy.
Patrick Sandoval – Soon we’ll have the Streamonator to peruse like a bunch of perusers, but for now we have guys I’ve liked for the last five months: Patrick Sandoval sleeper.
Steven Matz – A) A 76-year-old Yadier Molina made a 87-year-old Adam Wainwright good. B) Have you seen the lineups in the NL Central that Matz will be facing? C) There’s no C.
Jesus Luzardo – Has he finally made the jump from Hayzeus to Just Zeus? It’ll happen at some point, and young starters all take varying amounts of time. Now could be Luzardo’s time.
MacKenzie Gore – See what I said for Jesus, but make him more of a disciple and add in a Padre.
Matt Brash – Starting to look more and more likely he breaks camp with the Mariners, maybe as their 5th starter. He was a 13+ K/9 in the minors. So, that’s beautiful. He’s also a 4+ BB/9 guy. Therefore, the Mariners have both 2019 and present-day Robbie Ray on their staff. If you can remember all the way back to 2019, Robbie Ray was kinda unownable, so I’d be careful with Brash.
Josiah Gray – Streamonator isn’t quite ready for the season yet (prolly early next week), so, for now, we’re stuck just picking up pitchers who we’re going to want all season vs. stream. Uppercase yay!
Tony Gonsolin – After the Dodgers signed Tyler Anderson, I moved Gonsolin way down in my rankings, but Dave Roberts made the right call and said Gonsolin would be in the rotation, so I moved Gonsolin back up in my top 100 starters. I need to remember Dave Roberts wins free tacos playing 3D chess.
Robert Suarez – Was slow to adapt to the possibility that Bob Suarez would be the Padres’ closer, because I thought they’d sign someone. In retrospect, that was dumb. They gave Melancon 39 saves last year. A pitcher doesn’t need to be good to SAGNOF.
Anthony Bass – There’s no clear Marlins’ closer with Dylan Floro’s arm soreness. I heard that Lou Trivino might be traded to Miami, which would mean Domingo Acevedo is the closer in Oakland, but Bass might sleep with the fishes in a good way. It’s his people!
Jake McGee – Should’ve made a bigger deal of this in the preseason, but I ranked McGee above Doval in my top 500 starting in January, and was laughing very hard at the people drafting Camilo Doval absurdly early. Doval might get some saves, maybe even double digit, but, of course, McGee was going to get a majority of saves, if he was healthy, and serviceable. And for those of you saying McGee might not be serviceable, he had a 1.5 BB/9 and 2.72 ERA last year with 31 saves.
Spencer Patton – With the Rangers not wanting to put undue pressure on Joe Barlow as the closer, they might turn to Spencer Patton or Greg Holland. From Barlow to the bar is low.
Chris Stratton – How else can they manipulate Bednar’s eventual arbitration if they let him get saves? So, they said Stratton will get some saves. I’d guess most. Also, here’s the Bullpen Chart for all pens. It’s updated as news happens, including the Craig Kimbrel news. He moved way up in my top 500.
SELL
Cody Bellinger – Just a few days ago, Cody Bellinger announced he was in the middle of changing his swing while he was standing in a store called, “Swing Changes,” outside of Swing Changes, Arizona. It’s a lovely place. Lots of swing changes. As Yogi once said, “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.” Then he said, “Ay Boo-Boo.” It seems like Cody Bellinger has the yips, but for swinging a bat. He’s way too in his own head, and, if you’ve ever seen him, his head doesn’t seem like a place to be.
Jazz Chisholm – A first Sell dedicated to Jazz? Did I just get stuck in an elevator with Kenny G? Am I walking into Old Navy and screaming for them to shut off that gee-dee light jazz? Do I start a petition dot org to have the Utah Jazz change their name to the Utah Stockton’s Shorts? Maybe I do! So, I’m hearing not such good things on Chisholm, and Rudy lowered him way down in his auction rankings. Last year, my first Sell of the year was Keston Hiura, saying he would bottom out and end up in the minors. There’s a chance with Chisholm for more of the same. Don’t think it gets as bad as a trip to the minors to correct himself because the Marlins aren’t quite as win now (or ever). They might stick with Jazz through thick and thin, like a long ride in an elevator. But I’m hearing they’ll have no problem batting Chisholm towards the bottom of the lineup, which severely depletes his value. I wouldn’t sell Chisholm for a ticket to see Penn & Teller, if it was starring an understudy, Sean Penn, but I would explore options.
